Ramblings

What would it look like for me to hold certain beliefs in the deep crevices of my being that don't align with the official teachings of the church to which I choose to belong?  I think this is the underlying question I have long tried to make sense of in my spiral revisiting of the various faith traditions in the world.

I am learning about natural law and principles, and conscience has come to my awareness.  Even the Catholic Church teaches that we are not to go against our own conscience.  While it also says we are responsible for forming our conscience in alignment with official church teachings, the only way I can see that holding water is to expect any Catholic of good will to educate herself on what the Church teaches and why.  And/but once this is done, what if my conscience still disagrees with what Catholics higher up in the hierarchy believe, those with the institutional power to announce that their revelations are straight from God while mine, as a common layperson, are subject to the influences of demonic forces (I may be exaggerating just a smidgen here)?

A person cannot be compelled to believe anything without clear evidence to support any given claim.  And in a lot of cases - most I would even venture to say - what constitutes "clear evidence" is subject to interpretation. 

Speaking of interpretation, I once heard this great Catholic reproof for Protestants: "every Protestant is his or her own Pope."  Today, I don't actually think this is something bad.  If the papacy is seen by Catholics as something positive, as a way of interpreting Scriptures, then to assign that title to individual Christians who opt to be their own pope is merely saying that a different fallible human being is interpreting Scriptures.

I will dive into the papal argument another time, but for today, what I'm trying to unpack is my initial question: what does it look like to live in line with one's own conscience while at the same time stay aligned with an official denomination?

Followingjesus.org gives some ideas. What are the possible points of contention of such an arrangement?  First and foremost, when we adamantly disagree with what is preached from the pulpit on a regular basis, this would likely not be a good arrangement.  If we cannot be open about our own lifestyle and expect full support from the fellowship of the church, this also wouldn't be a healthy set-up.  But what if both my conscience and my church teach me to turn inward and trust God?  What if they both tell me to discern the will of God in my life on an ongoing basis?  What if they both tell me to empty myself of all the vices and serve others?

Do the countless differences among the various denominations really matter?  It seems that trying to fit one's conscience into one's denomination or vice versa is the reason we have thousands of denominations and countless others who merely go through the motions.

That's the real sorrow of a disconnect, I think.  Not that so-called "Cafeteria Catholics" disagree with the church but that they often end up feeling lukewarm because what they do believe is overshadowed by what they don't. 

What if I learned to keep silent on issues that don't need to be aired out?  What if I don't have to always be right?  Is that part of it?  I want to belong to a group where what I believe is already considered true and correct?  Am I concerned about becoming a social parriah over dissent?  Or am I concerned about displeasing my God by holding untrue beliefs?  Because only the latter ought to give me pause.

I have explored enough faiths, both with and without Christianity to know that indeed each holds some kernel of truth as to ultimate reality.

Every time I read about the apologetics of a denomination, I see it their way.  At least part of what they claim.  This used to cause me a lot of flip-flopping, constantly wanting to change affiliation.  But now I see that none of these denominations is the verbatim will of God.  They're all just interpretations of His will.

I cannot believe that God intended for us to have so many religions and be so totally confused over who is right.... unless of course religion was never meant to be the conveyor of truth, but merely of spiritual practice and cultural tradition, in which case there is no arguing over which is better because they're all equal in His sight.

This must be what His view on the plurality of religion is.  It makes no sense to on the one hand allow multiple interpretations and at the same time condemn them all.  Because no single denomination is safe from condemnation by at least some other denominations.  Jesus wanted unity, and here we are, 2000 years later, bickering over who deserves to sit at His right and left, just like James and John in Mark 10:37.

Let's back up for a bit.  What is the spiritual/religious/faith life?  What does it consist of?

There's public worship.  For us that is the Mass.  It includes Scripture reading, singing, communal prayer, a teaching by the priest, reception of the Holy Eucharist, and often a collection. But it is also the optional public worship, like the Festival of Praise at our church once a month, or a group Rosary or Novena.

There's private worship.  This is prayer, meditation, contemplation, Scripture reading, singing and listening to Christian music. Being in nature. And anything else that brings us closer to God.

There's fellowship.  In our church, we have a monthly family dinner night at the parish.  There's often other workshops and classes available.  There's small groups and Bible studies.  There's Celebrate Recovery and other support groups. There's even a Facebook presence for the ladies of our parish.

There's service.  This can be done either in connection with the church, like the monthly Casserole dinner we make and bring back, or otherwise connecting with the homeless population through our SALT program, or the various other opportunities to share our treasure, talent, and/or time. There's serving our own parish community, as well as the community at large, both locally and globally. There's charitable donations and volunteering.

There's morality and virtues.  This is the way we live our everyday lives.  The decisions we make.  How we affect the lives of others.  How we grow in self-discipline and in how we view ourselves.

There's how we live out our faith through politics and the law.  This is an extension of the previous morality and virtues.

There's apologetics and evangelization.  This is how we defend and share our faith and hope in Jesus.

We can, and in fact are called to, serve others regardless of their belief system, if we are to treat all others as we want to be treated, regardless if we agree on matters of faith (or anything else for that matter).  Similarly we are to fellowship with others for the sake of spreading the Gospel, so we cannot cut ourselves away from those who don't already believe as we do.  The only aspect of religion that seems to truly necessitate uniformity would be public worship.  It would be chaos if everyone came with their own agenda to church, each standing up at will to share what was on their mind, some breaking into song, some perhaps into a dance, or otherwise everyone staying silent if no one had anything prepared.  Oh, wait, I just described an unprogrammed Quaker Meeting!

It would appear then that even there we don't "have" to be uniform.  We just like it that way.  We like to draw a line in the sand and say "this is where we begin and this is where others begin".  It makes us feel like we belong.  But is this what we're called to? To belong to a human-run institution?  To belong to a group of fellow humans according to agreed-upon values and beliefs?  Or are we called to belong directly to God?

Now, I am not suggesting we eschew organized religion altogether, or communal worship.  I am saying that I wish I could simply hear from within my church that even if we disagree, I am still loved by the Father and saved by the Son and strengthened by the spirit.  What I hear instead is the need to repent of my sins, meaning anything that veers away from the agreed-upon standard.  I hear from some Catholics that I'm wrong for going to New Order mass.  I hear from other Catholics that I am wrong for not wearing a headcovering in front of the blessed Sacrament.  Some Catholics tell me I'm wrong for having adopted embryos.  Others tell me I'm wrong for eating meat on Fridays.  There are Catholics that think too much adherence to tradition is scrupulous and not in line with Rome.  Then there are Catholics who think too much freedom of expression is disrespectful to the holy presence of God in the tabernacle.  Everyone seems to think they speak for God Himself. 

And this isn't just Catholics who have a Pope.  Protestants do it, based on their own interpretations of various verses.  Orthodox do it based on their own patriarch's teachings.  Groups that seem to have broken off even further away from mainstream Christianity, either by way of theology, as in the case of nontrinitarian Christians, or by way of lifestyle, as in the case of the Amish, also claim to have found the truth that was lacking in the mainstream.

It seems to be impossible to actually find truth among so many voices.  The only way I see around the problem is to transcend the differences all together and focus on natural law and principles.

Will My Soul Never Find Rest?

Believe it or not, my previous crisis of faith was actually very short-lived.  A week I think.  Everything went back to normal, growing in my relationship with Christ... or God? Now, if you're a to-the-core Trinitarian Christian, you won't understand why the previous sentence. But this actually snuck up on me out of nowhere, it seems.  I had actually just posted the following on my Facebook page regarding why I believe in the Trinity:

Why I believe in the Christian God: 
if God is beyond all human understanding, 
if God is not merely "made in the image of man" (as many nonbelievers would claim), 
if we cannot "see God and live" (see Exodus 33:20), 
then it's too simplistic to think God is a mere being like us, only omnipotent and omnicient.
No, the mystery of the holy Trinity is mind boggling enough to tell me it's closer to the reality than any other interpretation of God. 
My inability to understand is no measure of an idea's truth. 
There's plenty I don't understand about the natural world, why should it be any different about the supernatural spiritual realm?
And what DO I understand about the Trinity?
That God transcends individuality and is Father AND Son AND Holy Spirit.
That for God to "be love" as so many unaffiliated people like to say, He must be a relationship, not an individual, for love is self-sacrificing and never focused on the self.
And just as Jesus said in John 15:13, "there is no greater love than to give up one's life for a friend", which He did. 
The immortal God couldn't have given up His life for us had He not first been incarnated as one of us, voluntarily and temporarily limiting Himself for our sake.
THIS is why I am a Christian. Not based on blind faith or habit but based on sheer reasoning. 

And yet, not more than a week later, I suddenly have an almost overwhelming sense of guilt over calling Jesus God.  I think, "am I an idolater?" I wonder, "am I keeping to the First Commandment?" And interestingly, for the first time in my spiritual journey, I want to know the truth.  This is huge, because it means that I assume the truth can be known.  In the past, I've only looked for a good fit between my personal values and beliefs and those of various religions.

I find myself praying before reading Scriptures for the Lord to open the eyes of my heart and to allow me to get to know Him better.  In my personal prayer time, I've talked to God directly, unencumbered by thoughts of what "the powers that be" would have me believe about how I ought to address my Maker.

I know that I most likely will not leave the Catholic church because I do not expect to find a church community that is any better of a match for me than the one I'm already comfortable and familiar with. Yet I still feel an urgency to figure out my beliefs for the sake of integrity when it comes to teaching "the faith" to my children.

Not too long ago, during a Bible lesson with my 5 year old, we were reviewing the meaning of the Sabbath and when I said that God created everything, my daughter said, "I thought Jesus created everything?" Now I was stumped.  I know that we say that God the Father created everything "through" Jesus the Logos or Word, before His incarnation, but we also talk about Jesus being our salvation, and the first point in our family mission statement (yes, we have one!) is that "we aspire to be a Christ-centered family".  To be honest, I'm actually quite confused by the whole thing.

I had the same issues with Catholic devotion to Mary.  Once I left Paganism and had a layover in quasi-evangelical Protestantism, I no longer felt the same desire to honor Mary as I did when I actually ascribed a lot more meaning to her than was appropriate from a Catholic Christian standpoint. My spiritual director tried to help me past this.  I went through the motions of a Marian consecration and everything.  But sorry, no relationship with Mary has developed.  I'm too busy trying to focus on following Jesus.  And now, I'm at the same standstill. 

The single most important commandment, arguably, is to love God.  I need to know somewhat Who this God is in order to love Him.  What if ascribing divinity or even Godhood itself to Jesus, even if He is the Messiah, is actually contrary to loving God by placing my entire spiritual focus on  - at best, an incarnation, and at worst, a mere mortal?  If Jesus is not God, I can love Jesus to the moon and back and I still won't be fulfilling the first commandment to love God.  Of course, if Jesus is God, then indeed I am loving God by loving Jesus.  But how to know which is true?

It would appear to me that something as fundamental as knowing Who God is shouldn't be shrouded in so much mystery.  It should be blatantly obvious, at least if God expects everyone to actually come to know and love Him.  If a person needs to read Scriptures, turn to a priest, keep track of various devotions and ordinances, in order to please God, then this automatically eliminates the majority of people on the planet, first of all, and second of all, creates havoc and chaos among those who know to do this but disagree on how!  Yet we know God is not a God of confusion but of peace! At least that is my fundamental understanding.

I thought I found what I was looking for the other day when I started reading (again) about Christian Deism.  It really resonated with me - the God of nature, available for everyone to experience directly just by observing nature and being still enough to feel Him resonate inside our hearts and minds.  Christian Deists, as opposed to traditional deists, do believe God continues to be interested in our lives, and they do pray.  They don't, however, expect miracles.  One miracle in particular they don't believe in is the Resurrection of Jesus.

And this is where I had to stop.  I realized that I do think I believe in His Resurrection.  I also believe in His Real Presence in the Eucharist.  Please note neither of these beliefs necessitates that I believe Jesus is God.  God can do anything, including resurrect Jesus, and including allow Him to stay present to us in the form of Holy Communion.  It would seem then that the easiest thing for me to do would be to just sit tight and keep quiet about my Arian heresy.

At the moment, I don't see another viable solution.  I enjoy and understand and benefit from Catholic worship and community.  I agree with the majority of Catholic social teaching.  And I don't see any reasonable alternatives as far as church homes.  Perhaps I just ease away from talking about the Trinity and focus on what I DO believe that IS in line with Catholic teaching, both for my own sake and that of my kids.  We can still be a Christ-centered family, since His ethics and example are superb.  We can still "want the atmosphere of our home to be built on the fruits of the holy spirit" (the third point of our family mission statement), although I think I may stop capitalizing both words, rather thinking of it (not "him") as the holy spirit of God.

Really, this is scupulosity in one direction, as opposed to in the typical direction... well, not really.  Scupulosity is the extreme desire for virtuous decisions, and that's my motivation as well, so I guess this is an example of my scrupulously trying to adhere to the first commandment... This is quite an insightful eureka, actually, if I say so myself... let me go think on that some more!


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