Authentic Life

From Oprah, to Dr. Phil, to the myriad of self-help books and motivational speakers, clearly people are searching not just for spiritual truth, but for that je ne sais quoi that would bring meaning to one's life.  That life's purpose may or may not be tied to one's religious convictions, but it's a well in need of filling in many people's lives.

I'm no exception.  I dare say, however, that I'm a lot closer to fulfilling that longing than many, at least in the Western world.  Now, to say that I'm closer simply means that I have a vague idea of what it would take for me to be fully at peace and content with my life, not that I've already arrived at such a state of mind.

For starters, I realize that it's a state of mind.  Happiness is something I have to make up my mind to be.  I have some ideas as to where I see myself in 5-10 years, but while I'm working on that plan, I have to be satisfied with good enough for the time being.

Here's how the following are playing into my leading a fulfilling life.

DEISM

I recently embraced the fact that when it comes to my spiritual-religious beliefs, I'm a deist.  I believe in a creator-God, and I believe in some form of life after death.  I am content with this minimal level of knowledge and belief.  It gives me great pleasure and satisfaction to think of worship as anything that involves being in awe of God's great masterpieces, both in nature and via human ingenuity (which comes from God, imho).  I no longer worry about doing things to please religious "authority" figures, or even others who walk around holier-than-thou.  I do the best I can, and when I stumble, I pick myself up and drive on.  I no longer feel the incessant need to try to figure out the inner workings of the universe, and it's soooo freeing!

MINIMALISM

I see this as a work in progress, but boy have we gotten to a point where I'm really starting to see the potential, which is only motivating me to keep it going.  I've pared down my wardrobe, donated hundreds of books, and have had an ongoing plastic bin that we keep filling with various items from around the house that we decide are not essential to our joy.  With every trip to Goodwill (and recently even a few items sold on Craigslist!), I can actually feel my home environment expanding to bring to the surface further items that need not be collecting dust any longer.  I hope to be in a place of maintenance by the time we get settled in our new home, which we expect to be sometime in the next year.

ATTACHMENT PARENTING

It has given me great pleasure and fulfillment to focus so intensely on my relationship with my daughter over the past year and some change.  Now that she's a toddler, it's a bit challenging to juggle her continued need - and my continued desire - to keep our attachment to each other strong and secure, and to help her along the way of independence, as is my role as her mother.  We are moving ever so slowly towards gentle discipline (as in instructing and guiding, NOT punishment), while still enjoying the AP basics of breastfeeding, cosleeping, and baby-wearing.

HOMESCHOOLING

We technically have several more years of parenting before we add homeschooling to our official repertoire of responsibilities, but since I take a long time to adjust to anything, I'm liking the idea of slowly introducing aspects of preschool activities into our daily routine.  I'm researching age-appropriate developmental milestones and how to best encourage them, and I'm trying out different ways to give Maya the opportunity to explore the world around her in new and interesting ways.  My biggest challenge will be to establish some sort of regular contact with other children, but that is on my horizon, along with daily (at least every other day!) time in the great outdoors.

GREEN LIVING

I feel as though we've fallen off the wagon a little in our time living in an apartment, but that's mainly because we aren't currently composting.  We still always have more recycling than trash to take out, and we always consider reusing what we already have before purchasing something new.  This also works well with our minimalist aspirations.  But more than that, I absolutely love line-drying our laundry, as it brings back lovely memories of my own childhood and gives Maya a way to help me out, even at such a young age of 13 months!  Next on my agenda is completely eliminating store-bought cleaning supplies and focusing on baking soda, vinegar, and whatever other natural ingredients I can use to make my own concoctions.  I'm not there yet.  What's even more urgent is starting to grow some of our own edibles.  I've never had a green thumb, and as much as I hate to waste (both money, time, and stuff), I don't like to take risks with growing something I'm afraid will only end up in the garbage.  But it's on my list.

RECONNECTING WITH HUBBY

Our marriage has taken a back seat since the birth of Maya.  Yet to Alex's credit, he has never once held it against me or complained about coming second in my life.  He understands that this is a phase of life, and that he had 15 years of just me-and-him time, and once Maya is a little more independent and will enjoy spending time alone or with friends, we'll have our time back.  It takes a real secure man to be able to put his own needs on hold while his daughter is getting her needs met.  This is only a testament to my good taste ;)  But seriously, when I look to the future, I see us together, as Alex said on our first date at the Post Exchange, "Just you and me, babe, on top of the world!"  Only now we'll also have our little Maya the bee to bring smiles to our faces.

So, how do I envision this authentic life that I'm working towards?

For starters, we need to move.  We need to live somewhere where the cost of living is drastically lower, and the pace of life is much slower.  While we are blessed that Alex no longer has to work more than the usual 40 hour week in order to support our lifestyle, it is still not ideal.  And that's what I'm talking about here - the ideal.  I feel best after a nice weekend spent just the three of us, and truly, what I want for us is to be able to bring that level of closeness and togetherness to at least 50% of our weekly life.  Perhaps an online business or if I ever get around to selling my books (and writing more), or better yet, passive income in the form of real estate.  There is no reason that only those who are currently rich should be the only ones to enjoy the time that affords them with their loved ones and pursuing their passions.  But the truth is that it takes money to make money, and so we find ourselves in that stage of the planning.

For the longest time, we've talked about "early retirement", but that was only because we couldn't imagine working at our jobs forever.  But what if the activities for which we get paid aren't drudgery at all?  Then there's no reason to stop and "retire"!  So with that definition in mind, we have just over 10 years to get all of our ducks in a row and get to a place where we can be living the life we've dreamed of.

That life includes travel, or perhaps just living abroad where we feel we're on vacation!  A Mediterranean climate is a must for that to happen!  This is why homeschooling is a no-brainer for us.  Well, it's one of the reasons.  We are not going to be slaves to the school system's schedule for living our lives.  There's only that pesky question of income sufficient to support our lifestyle (which by no means is to be extravagant.  We don't want a big house - we actually are having a real hard time finding something as small as we'd prefer!  We don't care about the latest electronic gadgets (well, maybe Alex a little, but even he is reasonable in that department).  And while I know I mentioned travel as an ideal, I also realize that this takes money, which is why I suggested settling in a vacation-like destination.  (No, not Florida, btw!)

That authentic life that I envision involves lots of nature, but still close to civilization.  A moderate climate with four seasons is fine, but a year-round summer would be ok too if it didn't involve excessive humidity.  Being able to not only have wonderful, breathtaking views, both from our windows and just from a short distance down the street, but also being able to actually be in that nature, to feel a part of it, to touch the natural world without taking anything but photographs and leaving nothing but footprints!  Listening to the silence, or the waves crashing against the shore, or the wind in the branches, birds singing.  A life conducive to meditation would be ideal for me.

For Alex, a social life would be ideal.  The ability to have shops and bars and restaurants just a short drive - if not walk! - from home.  Being able to enjoy the nightlife - not in the form of late-night drunken fests, but by watching a town come alive when the sun goes down.  You meet different people at different times of the day, and we like to keep it diverse!

To be honest, as I'm writing this, Andalucia, Spain comes to mind.  We only visited there once, for our honeymoon a decade ago, and yet.... either Spain or a place just like it!

The ideal way we envision getting to our dream is by first establishing passive income from a rental property, which would ease our worries over finding work at our destination right away.  To get there, we must first be completely in the black in our finances.  We still have my student loans to pay off, and we're about to take on paying for Alex's going back to college.  The latter is a must to open up opportunities for him to be able to find work similar to what he's doing now but outside the government.  So while he's in school, we won't be able to pay off my loans completely.

We were hoping to get into a mortgage with a monthly payment that is several hundred dollars per month less than what we're paying in rent at our apartment, but alas, this isn't looking as promising as we had hoped.  The homes that are newly renovated, or even just simply move-in ready, tend to be in really crappy neighborhoods - dirty, with shady characters loitering on the streets, bars in people's windows also tell me crime is a concern.  On the other hand, the good neighborhoods are full of homes that need a lot of work - read money - before they can really be considered livable.  And I watch House Hunters - we are not being too picky.  We don't care about the color of the paint on the walls or if the kitchen appliances are outdated.  We do care about water damage or lead paint though!

That is, if we strictly stick to the budget we set out for ourselves, which would allow us $300+ monthly savings, leading to a quick (6-7 years) pay off of my student loans.  But as I said, alas, it is not meant to be.  We have to make a lateral move if we are going to get the ball rolling on that rental property.  It makes no sense to be throwing money away by renting if we could be working - albeit slowly - towards paying down a mortgage.

In the meantime, we will be able to truly make our surroundings our own.  I miss the color walls we had in our house.  I hate the popcorn ceiling AND WALLS that we have now!  And while I absolutely love our one-level living and specifically the layout here, it's a pain to go for a walk down the stairs with a stroller (so I almost always wear Maya in a carrier, but there have been times when my back wouldn't allow it, or we were walking to the farmer's market and I needed the stroller to do the heavy lifting of the groceries).  Even when driving for groceries, carrying them and Maya at the same time up a flight of stairs is getting old.  Yet would I really want to live in a ground-level unit, where there's so much traffic from cars parking and people walking that I'd never be able to have my window shades open? No privacy and I wouldn't feel very safe either.

And so, our journey must start even under less than ideal circumstances.  We are working to pay off all of our debt (like I said, we only have my student loans at this time, and we'll be adding a mortgage), so that we can begin to live in a way that will feel like living, not just surviving from day to day.  And - this is very important - as our parents enabled for us by the sacrifices they made, so too we must continue to pass on economic wisdom to Maya to make sure she doesn't make the mistakes we made in our early adulthood by incurring unnecessary debt.  (I consider most of my student loans as unnecessary debt as well.  But that's another topic.)

I'm looking forward to this change.  I think it will be in the right direction.

Staying at Home to Parent Full-Time

Let me cut straight to the chase.  The number one reason I wanted to stay home with Maya was because, after 10 years of marriage and our long struggle to become parents, I couldn't imagine doing all of that, going through all we went through, so that I could be a part-time mom.  I understand that this isn't a choice for some people, but when we looked at our circumstances, it did make financial sense in addition to my desire to give my all to my baby, 24/7.  The idea that I should continue to work outside the home so that I could then turn around and give my entire income to child care providers who would be raising my daughter while I was working, well, it just sounded ludicrous.  I wanted to be a mom.  I did not want a child for the sake of having an accessory.  I'm sorry, but I see too much of that everywhere I turn.  People having kids just because that's what you "do" at a certain age or stage in your life, or worse, in an attempt to make yourself feel grown-up (for teen moms) or to try to coerce a man (the baby's daddy) to stay with you.

Ok, so I actually wanted - and still do - to spend my time with Maya.  I have chosen to put my other interests aside to make room for Maya in my life.  I strongly disagree with the parenting advice that states that we ought to try to make the baby fit into our life, since the baby is the newcomer.  Um, that's like saying to newlyweds that they need to get their spouse to fit into their bachelor/ette life. No, when you get married, your life changes.  It's supposed to.  And when you become a parent, your life changes, and it's supposed to.  If your career is more important than family life, then don't have kids.  It's that simple.  Nowadays, this is a valid choice.  If you're not going to give parenting your all, then don't do it half-ass.  Your child deserves better.

Now, I'm not saying that I am the perfect mother, because that's insane. It's impossible to do everything right all the time.  However, I am saying that my priority at this point in my life is my daughter and not myself.  To that end, I am doing everything in my power, to the best of my abilities, to give her the best start in life.  That's not to say that other parents don't have the same mindset while going about it completely differently.  Again, everyone's circumstances are different.  But for me, staying home full time is how I'm trying to provide the best start in life for my daughter.

For one thing, attachment is the foundation of all of her future relationships.  During her critical infant and toddler years, she needs to develop a secure attachment to her primary caretakers (her dad and me), so that she can learn to trust, and so that she can learn what a healthy relationship is all about.  She cannot have a strong attachment to someone who doesn't spend significant time with her.
Also, we are raising Maya in a multilingual household.  Especially with Polish, it would be very difficult for her to have sufficient exposure to the language if she didn't hear it from me all day long.

Finally, there are various values that Alex and I hope to pass on to her that we know are not shared by the mainstream.  It would be very difficult to find child care providers who were equally passionate about the environment, for a start.  I know of none that would be willing to cloth diaper or practice elimination communication with her.

And so, with Maya's best interest in mind, Alex and I decided for me to stay home full time while we moved across the state line and downsized our townhome to a one bedroom with den apartment.  This way, Alex's commute time is drastically cut, and he is able to spend significant time with Maya every day after work.  He also changed positions so that he wouldn't be required to travel regularly the way he used to.  This choice came at a price.  We are not near our families.  It's a big hassle to go see them, and they rarely if ever come to see us.  Still, with all due respect, it was more important for Maya to have her parents available than to see her extended family on a regular basis.  I wish she'd have been able to get the benefit of both, but our circumstances did not allow that.

After over a year of staying home full time with Maya, the fog of postpartum anxiety finally having lifted, I'm starting to see our arrangement in a more balanced way.  In other words, there are pros and cons.  Just the same, it doesn't change my mind about us having made the best decision for our family.  It does, however, prompt me to consider ways to address the cons so that they don't interfere with the overall pros.  But that's for another time.

Smaller Spaces

We recently sold our house and downsized to an apartment within minutes of Alex's work. We are now on one level, as opposed to three in the house. This is  proving to be easier for us, as before it was a bit of a hassle navigating back and forth between the kitchen, front door, laundry area, and the upstairs bedrooms. The first couple of months after our daughter was born, we realized that we were only using the upstairs as our living space. There was no need for all the other square footage. If we could just get the kitchen and laundry on the same level as the bedrooms, we would be set. And so we are. But in addition, we're finding the more intimate space, well, more intimate.

We tend to want to put things back where they belong right after use, where before we could just find more space to move to, and things tended to pile up. It's also been easier to clean up, especially the bathroom, which is now the only one we have, so there's no excuse of cleaning "only the guest bathroom". 

Of course there have been a few sacrifices. While I can't complain about laundry access, our washer is tiny compared to what I'm used to. What used to be a single load is now two or three. But even this isn't all bad. I used to bemoan the "wasted" wash cycle on our whites or Maya's cloth diapers, but now they are just the right size for a single load.

And since we are in an apartment on the second floor, taking the dogs out is a proper chore. We can't just let them out in the fenced back yard anymore. So we, especially Alex, are finally forced to walk them, thus getting some built in exercise. What's more, we are facing the community dog park, so not only does it not have to be a planned monthly trip in the car, we can take them to socialize with other dogs when we see someone there. Alex enjoys this excuse to get to know our neighbors.

Too much stuff.

Time to dig ourselves out.

Alex with our dogs at dog park.

 Some people may question our choice to forgo home ownership. I have to admit that I, too, have entertained the thought of losing some sort of sense of subconscious superiority. But we have walked to a restaurant for lunch, and then stopped to get some groceries on the way home. Alex has come home for lunch to get an extra baby fix with Maya. And he regularly gets more sleep and uses less gas during the week. Our quality of life is better in this smaller space. We like to  think this is a Franciscan attitude, simplicity and all. 

Perhaps that has been the biggest obstacle for us...finding a new church home. To be fair, after experiencing the community of St. Francis, the bar for any new church has been set pretty high. But we are open to where God wants us to be, even if it is easier for one of us (Alex) than for the other (me). As long as we have each other, though, we will reap the full benefits of downsizing and moving, soon.

Maya being welcomed into our faith community by Fr. Kevin, at our old church.