Getting Ready to Start Living (lol)

I want to believe.  Why? Because if I believe, then I'm done searching and can finally rest.  Once at rest, I can live from a place of wholeness to simply be the person I was created to be.  Nothing to do, nothing to change, no one to impress, simple being.  This is why I feel so at rest in nature.  Forest bathing really helps me feel close to God.  I observe other organisms simply being, doing what they were made to do, not striving to be something else, not trying to impress each other (except of course the mating rituals of various animals, which I can see as plain fun ;) ). 

Having come from an enmeshed family system where I was taught that I was OK and accepted because I toed the line of the system's values, I internalized a lack of faith in my own intuition in a sense.  I've vehemently fought against that, but the idea still has a hold on me nonetheless.  I want to be free from the assumption that I require external validation in order to have permission to fully live into my own potential.  I want to move full speed ahead with my ideas without always looking over my shoulder in hopes of that thumbs up that reassures me I'm headed in the right direction. 

I know I cannot look to my family for this, so I have transferred that responsibility to a religious world-view.  Maybe my relatives don't always approve, but if my religion says that God approves, that's much more important anyway and gives me the guts to act on my intuition.

So what would I do if I didn't hesitate so much?  If I didn't second guess myself so much?  What would life be like if I had self-confidence and self-acceptance?

For one thing, I would pay my family's bills.  I would know what goes into running the household, and I would know how to make sure the utilities stay on.

For another thing, I would engage meaningfully with my local community.  I would interact with other humans rather than shying away from them for fear of being pushed around or taken advantage of.

For a third thing, I would feel like a role model to my children in action, not just via lectures.

I would live out my values: 

I would be aware of local politics and know how to engage meaningfully without feeling like I must work counter to my natural temperament.

I would keep a truly minimalist household. I would not see clutter around me and I would know where all of my possessions are. I would never have to think about what to wear.

I would incorporate more and more eco options for everyday items, and compost more and more - in other words, live as close as I can to "the earth" without becoming a homesteader. I would grow at least some of my daily food. I would enjoy nourishing and delicious food with my loved ones.

I would spend regular and significant time in nature, in quiet solitude. I would walk barefoot and camp under the stars.  I would know how to forage for food and start a camp fire as well as how to keep wild animals at bay and stay safe in all weather. I would visit zoos and aquariums and just set up shop and observe animals doing what they do.

I would have several playlists ready for various emotions and peruse them regularly. And I would sing regularly. And drum. And dance.

I would spend time with the people that matter most to me.

I would work on a craft where I can see the fruit of my labor, like knitting or embroidery or cross-stitch or baking.

I would do something regularly to help others - specifically, I would like to mentor homeschooling parents and be a spiritual director.

I would watch interesting documentaries about topics that interest me and places I want to travel to virtually.

I would have income that I could then give to those who need it more than me.

I would read classic literature and biographies of inspirational people.

I would laugh like no one's looking, but near and with others, because I know laughter is contagious.

I would meditate daily, practice QiGong, Taiji, and/or yoga daily.

I would get regular massages.

As I think over these values, I ask myself: right, when am I going to start living?  Am I waiting for permission to start living?  Am I using lack of belonging as an excuse to procrastinate living out these values? I don't want to belong more than I want to be free.  I already belong - to the human race, to our planet Earth, to God. I already belong.  No one can actually take these belongings away from me.  Only I can forget about them, but I can pick them right up at any moment.  No ritual needed. No label.  No diagnosis. No external validation.