I feel more spiritually fed, more enveloped by God's holy presence, just by attending and participating in the Divine Liturgy of the Orthodox church than I do when receiving the Eucharist at the Catholic church.
I used to have a very Eucharistic spirituality. But then I think the physical Eucharist became an idol for me. I forgot how it represents the reality of God being ever present everywhere, not merely in the physical monstrance, tabernacle, or host/chalice. And so distanced myself from the whole Eucharistic Adoration spiritual practice.
In Orthodoxy, Holy Communion is more akin to a verb than a noun. It is something we DO together as a community. Jesus said, "take and eat, this is my body", not "take and decorate and then hang out with me in the chapel".
I know that I'm done with Catholicism. I'm about 99% certain, because I like to stay humble and recognize that I truly never know ;) But unless I find an Eastern Rite Catholic parish that is a) within driving distance of us, b) the same calibre of beauty and joy as Holy Cross, and c) that includes a community, ideally of homeschoolers with well-behaved children.... I don't really see any reason to hold onto my Catholic identity anymore.
I will always cherish the spiritual strides that I made thanks to the RCC. I have my memories of when being Catholic was meaningful and fulfilling. But alas, I think it's time to break up. I want to follow Jesus, and I know Jesus meets us where we are, and I no longer think I am vested in Catholicism. Jesus is meeting me on this crossroads and leading me to a new home, a new expression of the ancient faith.
So what is my hesitation? That I'll have to actually take my faith seriously? That I won't be able to just cruise under the label of Catholic while maintaining my own personal spirituality? That there are still loose ends with my son's awaiting his First Communion at the Catholic church?
I can just start worshipping at Holy Cross on a regular basis. I can see how that goes. I can either opt out of the sacraments of confession and communion altogether, or I can continue to receive them periodically in the Catholic church for the time being, prior to officially becoming a catecheumen. I think I will do that. Jesus is irresistible. He will lead me without a doubt, if I allow myself to stay open to the next baby step.
I have to allow for a grieving process. I have to grieve the disappointment of having to let go of what I couldn't make work in the Catholic church. I have to grieve the changes that took place in the last 4 decades within the church, that have drastically altered my faith experience within. I have to grieve the certainty with which I lived my Catholic identity.
I want to be there for my son though. I want us to have joint faith experiences. Like when we go to Confession together, or kneel next to each other for Holy Communion. I'm having to grieve that it just isn't the way I envisioned it to be. Following Christ is more complicated than that. It's more nuanced than that.
