What is church for?

What is church for?

If for worship of God..... how about nature instead?

If for self-education.... how about documentaries, books, field trips, and community lectures instead? 

If for value-building.... how about social justice pursuits and charitable giving?

If for community.... how about seeking out people with shared values and common interests?  What are those?

I, for one, value global citizenship and environmental stewardship, as well as home education and individual liberty.  I enjoy music, especially singing, but also dancing, drumming, and poetic martial art movement (aka QiGong and Taiji).  I enjoy Eastern spirituality/philosophy as well as Pagan nature/magic.  I love to read and watch documentaries, as well as go on silent or guided retreats in nature.  I enjoy people watching and good food (especially chocolate).  I like to think and write.  I enjoy learning mindfullness through meditation and learning a new skill, like sign language or playing an instrument or painting or knitting or baking.  I want to BE in the world, and be aware of being in the world.  

My faith died a natural death

I am not only deconstructing my faith anymore; I'm officially deconverting.  It's as if a fog has gently been lifting from having surrounded me all my life.  Whenever I wanted to convert to yet another religion, it was when I felt the fog start to lift and desperately clung to anything resembling it - smog, clouds, steam.  But for whatever reason, this time it was different.  This time, my faith simply and gently... passed away.  I knew that what I believed wasn't "true" as in "factual", but I still felt that I could reasonably believe it on a symbolic level.  The faith was still useful to me as a metaphor.  But as time went on, I realized that actually, while it may have been a good transition, it wasn't a place I could permanently reside.  Faith of any level still entailed church attendance and thereby association with a community of believers with whom I did not agree about the ultimate reality of things, nor the resulting set of values that emerge from certain religious beliefs.  Faith meant reciting certain prayers that I felt were not only untrue, but now unhelpful and distracting at best and downright counterproductive at worst.  Most telling of all was that faith was giving my children explanations that I no longer believed in myself.  And that is where I had to draw the line.  I could not - would not - lie to my children.

And so now I'm left with the empty shell of religious observance minus religious faith, and I'm trying to figure out a way to rid myself of the unnecessary remnants.  My husband, bless his heart, has always followed me into whatever church I wanted our family to attend, even though he never fully embraced any organized religious world view.  He simply held his private beliefs and felt no need for external validation by a community of like-minded believers.  He just liked the fellowship.  And now I'm trying to pull him out altogether and I don't know how to proceed.

What's more, after spending the first decade of parenting doing all I could to help my children embrace our Catholic religion, specifically going on a two year journey of church shopping for the most reverent Mass experience in order to surround them with people who "took their faith seriously", I now find myself no longer taking our faith seriously.  I go through the motions because it's familiar, and there are certainly parts I enjoy.  But I feel the need to dechurch a bit, shake off the internalized guilt-inducing sense of "Sunday obligation".  

I know that moving to the UK in a few months will provide a natural transition, so perhaps all I have to do is wait it out.  The Universe has been gracious like this to me before. 

We finally found a reverent, beautiful church that allowed my son to receive Communion without having to wait for an arbitrary age... and New Year's Eve 2023 he impromptu began serving at the altar and hasn't looked back.  He loves it!  And we have enjoyed seeing him bond with other alter servers, most of whom are grown men, in an all-boys type environment.  But the flip side of that is.... now that we're in a church that embraces my son without discriminating against him by age.... we're also in a church that discriminates against my daughter on account of her sex/gender.  Not when it comes to reception of Communion, but still.  

In spite of the reverence and beauty and small community, my daughter is no more a believer than she was at the onset.  And now I've joined her.  She believes certain things - like the existence of God, without details about that, and has theories about life after death, but nothing that requires church or organized religion.  But my son seems to be hooked!  He's recently asked if, when we return from the UK, we can return to this church. Of course, a lot can change in 3 years, I hope.

I've spoken to my husband about finding a Sunday alternative in the UK where we can go as a family and enjoy community with others, some singing, some sort of ritual (my son likes "holding things" and "processions") and making a contribution to the gathering/community (my daughter liked helping to make the Prosphora bread that was then used for Communion during Sunday services).  We alreayd know we won't be going to another Byzentine church in the UK as the nearest one is 4 hours away.  So for now we're letting my son enjoy his time serving at the altar while he can.  

Maybe the whole thing will die a natural death after all through this move.  Maybe we'll find Sunday family nature hikes to be much more replenishing for our souls and our family.  Maybe we'll plug into some other communities, built around common interests and/or values instead of presumed common beliefs. That is my wish for us on this next leg of our journey.

Previous Reasons for my Faith

Always be ready to give an account for the reason of your faith.

I doubted off and on many times, for many years. I tried to uncover the truth on my own. I leaned on my own understanding. It led me to propositions that would end in confusion, contradiction, and despair.

I realized that many of those who question the Gospel likewise are not persuaded by scientific facts or reality (abortion, binary gender), so there's no reason to use their tactics in approaching truth, as they have been proven to be faulty.

Others who doubt the faith nonetheless do not live by any alternative that would be convincing to it's efficacy: they lack inner peace & joy; they're anxious about many things. What good would it do me to follow in their footsteps? We could wallow together in misery, but why if there's a better way?

I decided that I - and everyone for that matter - want to be happy. So I began to reflect on what brings lasting happiness. It's not material goods. It's not prestige. It's not control or power. It's not even perfect health and creature comforts. All these things come and go.

But when I considered the approach provided by the gospel of Jesus, it all fell into place. God made me for a specific purpose: to know, love, and serve Him, *so that* I can spend eternity in heaven with Him. In other words, God's purpose for my life is my lasting happiness!

The way to this happiness is through discerning and abiding by natural laws and principles that are outlined in the Bible, specifically in the Gospels (especially the Beatitudes and the entire Sermon on the Mount) and Proverbs and the 10 Commandments. These have been tried and true. Those who do not follow these do not experience lasting joy and peace.

I also discovered that faith is both a grace and a choice. If I consciously choose to believe and ignore the temptations of the world (to trust my own intellect, for instance), then God will reward me with a strengthened and ongoing faith. Therefore I choose to believe in the Nicene Creed. Since I say this is a choice, no appeal to my pride will shake my faith because it isn't based on my own understanding. It is based on grace and will.

Having a certain faith has proven to be especially grounding and centering as our society - both culture and politics - has continued to deteriorate into utter chaos. In this environment, if one doesn't stand for something - something solid and everlasting - then one will fall for anything, and any number of things.

I thank God for my autistic brain, which does not allow me to tolerate nonsense. Things must make sense to me for me to accept them, and in a Catholic-Christian world-view, they do. The world makes sense. The chaos makes sense. The desires of my heart make sense. The trials we face make sense. And if all these things line up, I'd be a fool to refuse to extend this sense-making to the belief in eternal life, salvation, and heaven with God.

I believe because it makes me happy. I believe because the alternative is utter despair. I believe because I choose to believe, and in turn, God blesses me with faith. I believe because it makes better sense than not believing. Amen.