I am not only deconstructing my faith anymore; I'm officially deconverting. It's as if a fog has gently been lifting from having surrounded me all my life. Whenever I wanted to convert to yet another religion, it was when I felt the fog start to lift and desperately clung to anything resembling it - smog, clouds, steam. But for whatever reason, this time it was different. This time, my faith simply and gently... passed away. I knew that what I believed wasn't "true" as in "factual", but I still felt that I could reasonably believe it on a symbolic level. The faith was still useful to me as a metaphor. But as time went on, I realized that actually, while it may have been a good transition, it wasn't a place I could permanently reside. Faith of any level still entailed church attendance and thereby association with a community of believers with whom I did not agree about the ultimate reality of things, nor the resulting set of values that emerge from certain religious beliefs. Faith meant reciting certain prayers that I felt were not only untrue, but now unhelpful and distracting at best and downright counterproductive at worst. Most telling of all was that faith was giving my children explanations that I no longer believed in myself. And that is where I had to draw the line. I could not - would not - lie to my children.
And so now I'm left with the empty shell of religious observance minus religious faith, and I'm trying to figure out a way to rid myself of the unnecessary remnants. My husband, bless his heart, has always followed me into whatever church I wanted our family to attend, even though he never fully embraced any organized religious world view. He simply held his private beliefs and felt no need for external validation by a community of like-minded believers. He just liked the fellowship. And now I'm trying to pull him out altogether and I don't know how to proceed.
What's more, after spending the first decade of parenting doing all I could to help my children embrace our Catholic religion, specifically going on a two year journey of church shopping for the most reverent Mass experience in order to surround them with people who "took their faith seriously", I now find myself no longer taking our faith seriously. I go through the motions because it's familiar, and there are certainly parts I enjoy. But I feel the need to dechurch a bit, shake off the internalized guilt-inducing sense of "Sunday obligation".
I know that moving to the UK in a few months will provide a natural transition, so perhaps all I have to do is wait it out. The Universe has been gracious like this to me before.
We finally found a reverent, beautiful church that allowed my son to receive Communion without having to wait for an arbitrary age... and New Year's Eve 2023 he impromptu began serving at the altar and hasn't looked back. He loves it! And we have enjoyed seeing him bond with other alter servers, most of whom are grown men, in an all-boys type environment. But the flip side of that is.... now that we're in a church that embraces my son without discriminating against him by age.... we're also in a church that discriminates against my daughter on account of her sex/gender. Not when it comes to reception of Communion, but still.
In spite of the reverence and beauty and small community, my daughter is no more a believer than she was at the onset. And now I've joined her. She believes certain things - like the existence of God, without details about that, and has theories about life after death, but nothing that requires church or organized religion. But my son seems to be hooked! He's recently asked if, when we return from the UK, we can return to this church. Of course, a lot can change in 3 years, I hope.
I've spoken to my husband about finding a Sunday alternative in the UK where we can go as a family and enjoy community with others, some singing, some sort of ritual (my son likes "holding things" and "processions") and making a contribution to the gathering/community (my daughter liked helping to make the Prosphora bread that was then used for Communion during Sunday services). We alreayd know we won't be going to another Byzentine church in the UK as the nearest one is 4 hours away. So for now we're letting my son enjoy his time serving at the altar while he can.
Maybe the whole thing will die a natural death after all through this move. Maybe we'll find Sunday family nature hikes to be much more replenishing for our souls and our family. Maybe we'll plug into some other communities, built around common interests and/or values instead of presumed common beliefs. That is my wish for us on this next leg of our journey.
