First Visit to Anglican Ordinariate

Wow.  I've been down this road before and I don't want to get ahead of myself (again), but wow.  This church seems to have everything we were looking for.

1. The priest faces ad orientum. (TLM, Eastern Orthodoxy)

2. Altar railing for receiving Communion while kneeling. (TLM)

3. Everything in English. (Novus Ordo)

4. Kneelers available and utilized in the pews. (TLM, Novus Ordo)

5. Communion by Intinction (Maronites, which was a super nice surprise!)

6. Incense. (TLM, Eastern Orthodox)

7. Bells. (TLM)

8. No sign of peace between the faithful. (TLM)

9. No passing of collection plate. (TLM, Eastern Orthodox)

10. The homily was 17 minutes long (it was available on YouTube later), and it was engaging and relatable.

11. Many women wore head coverings. (TLM, Holy Cross)

12. Tons of kids! (Holy Cross)

13. Interior of the church was colorful and joyful.  Walls painted pinkish, stained glass, stations of the cross.  I also saw several Eastern-style icons throughout.

14. There was a luncheon afterwards downstairs! (Holy Cross, Maronites)

15. Only one Mass for the congregation on Sunday - really helps solidify sense of community, along with the gathering afterwards. (Holy Cross, Maronites)

16. The priest, Fr. Albert, is married with children and introduced me to his wife, Abigail.

17. The Mass was an hour and a half, but the kids did not seem to notice and didn't mention length as a negative during our debriefing in the car on the way home.  (Holy Cross)

18. The bulletin provided included all the prayers and music, so I was able to not only understand bc it was in English, but also follow along and sing along!  It felt sooo good to be able to fully participate in the Mass again!

19. The kids had their own little bulletins and crayons they could take to the pews.  

20. There was a large TV set up downstairs where the Mass was shown for anyone needing to take rowdy kids.

21. The Gospel was read from the middle of the center aisle.

22. At the end, we faced a little Marian "shrine" to recite the Angelus prayer.

23. There was a lot of kneeling!  More than I remember from the Novus Ordo.

23.  I noticed via my peripheral vision that people were bowing and crossing themselves at various points.  Felt like they were more engaged with the Mass.  (Holy Cross)

24. This particular church is about 15 minutes closer to our house than our current Maronite one.

25.  We knew several people there already, apparently.  Small world!

26. The kids got to make an Advent wreath to take home as a table centerpiece.

27. Parishioners were friendly and approached us to talk.

28. Fr. Albert actually knows Fr. Joshua from Holy Cross, and mentioned that the two churches are like informal sister parishes!  It's as if God is telling me - you wanted Holy Cross but for Catholics; there you go! 

29. I have a new appreciation for organ music.  It turns out that I associate it with my formative years in Polish Catholic churches, and organ music is church music for me.  It doesn't have to be concert-quality, but the cantor and choir were actually quite good. And the provided music and lyrics meant I was able to join in singing, which I have missed so much at the Maronites, since so much of their service is in Arabic or Syriac with no phonetic cheat sheet.

30.  I teared up at one point during the singing, which is always a good sign that the Spirit dwells there.

31.  There was so much singing and chanting!  Even the readings were chanted (Holy Cross), which didn't bother me as much as it did at Holy Cross - perhaps because the bulletin had the readings printed and I could follow along. 

32. I already signed up to join them for their Advent mini-retreat on Saturday!

I have the same feeling I had when we first found Holy Cross, and then again when we first found the Maronites - I don't want to leave!  I worry that I won't find another church like this if we move to Georgia.  But I also have to remember that God is in control and is leading us to where we need to be.

While the kids aren't thrilled about changing churches again since they've come to appreciate the Maronites, they are both willing and found things they each liked about the Mass at the Ordinariate.  My son also said he'd be ok with receiving his First Communion there, which is a big plus, bc he was adamant he did not want to receive it at our old Novus Ordo church!

The funny thing is, God was saving our discovery of this church until I worked through some idolatry I had going due to my autistic black-or-white thinking.  I had associated the host with the Real Presence of Jesus, and the mere thought of the Eucharist at an Eastern Rite or Orthodox church made me doubt I could ever get on board with being spoon-fed Communion.  But then a talk with Maru helped me see that the external elements can change, but the reality of Jesus remains thanks to our faith.  Once I was ok with trying an Eastern Rite church, communion and all, God gave me a church where I didn't even need to change what I am used to, and not only that, I can continue to receive under both forms, AND on the knees the way I believe is proper and just.

The explanation on the bulletin said that we kneel to pray, sit for instruction, and stand to praise God.  I really like that delineation.  Something was very missing at the Maronites when we couldn't kneel.  Even the Orthodox, too, but their chanting was so incredibly beautiful and we stayed standing the entire time, that I never felt that I was being disrespectful by just sitting there.

At any rate, looks like we have a new church home.  We will attend the Maronites twice more, as the kids just signed up to do the Nativity play, but then we will be shifting gears, and I can't wait.  I'm grateful for the experience of worship with the Maronites, as it has helped me tremendously in my walk with Christ, but mainly because it helped me realize what is truly a priority for me and us as a family.

The Anglican Ordinariate is both reverent and joyful.  There's music and kneeling.  Communion is in both forms.  The altar servers are all male (there were like 9 boys and men serving at the altar today!), which is something else that I appreciate as I look forward to an all-male place for my son to plug in soon.

At any rate, God is good, all the time.  Alleluja, Amen.

Eucharist as Idol?

I've been wondering lately if I've turned the Eucharistic host into an idol.  When I was discerning conversion to the Orthodox Church, one of my stumbling blocks was the form of Communion - by spoon!  We attended an Eastern Rite Catholic church once where we opted out of receiving Communion (we also went to a TLM later that day, where we did receive Communion), even though we were technically eligible to receive. 

When we settled on the Maronite church, it seemed like it had the best of both worlds.  The Eucharist was in the familiar host form, dipped in the wine, but the liturgical prayers and hymns were more reverent than in the Roman Rite Novus Ordo Mass.  However, after three months of weekly attendance at the Maronite Divine Liturgy, I'm starting to get antsy yet again.  This time it's the kneeling.  I knew going in that the lack of kneeling would be a challenge.  I hoped the reverence of the liturgy would make up for it, but it hasn't.  Right now, I'm trying to mesh my personal need for kneeling with the reverence of the service by kneeling before and after receiving Communion even if no one else does.  I guess I associate kneeling with reverence, which is not an Eastern practice.  I also associate silence, traditional hymns, and bells with reverence, all of which are gone from the Roman Rite usually.  All that is left there is the kneeling.  It seems there is no secret sauce to be had anymore.

I guess God is calling me to stop focusing on my personal preferences and stop using religion as a balm for my personal comfort.  After all, that's not the point of Jesus's coming - to make me feel comfortable.

How I Came To Christ - No "Born Again" Experience Here!

My autistic spirituality may be a factor, and I will not be told/judged as having an "inauthentic" faith simply because it looks different than that of others.

Love is a decision and choice, not feeling --> relationship with Christ as "working out my salvation", what on the surface may appear to be "going through the motions" but differs from it by an internal intention and the openness to being changed in the process.  

I have seen people "going through the motions", doing the things that outwardly express their supposed faith, but when you dig a little below the surface, it quickly becomes evident that this is just superficial piety, nothing based on a repentant heart.  In my extended family, external religiosity is merely polite culture. 

The outwardly religious are just as likely as the outwardly atheists to ridicule me for wanting to fast beyond "no fish Fridays", participate in daily Mass, go on retreat, pray grace at every meal, etc.  So I know that to some who have been hurt by religionists, external expressions of religion may be associated with superficiality, but they are not automatically so!

I see these externals as ways that a truly spiritual heart would want to express itself and maybe even share its peace and joy with others.  Or alternately, these are ways by which the spiritual heart can go deeper into relationship with God - precisely through the physicality of the rituals.  I believe in an embodied faith.  I think it is ironic how so many supposed Christians - who believe that God Almighty became incarnate, that is, took on a physical body - would look down on physical expressions of said faith.  

The body is good and holy and a temple of the Holy Spirit.  It is right to adorn it with religious symbols such as a crucifix.  It is right to mark it with the sign of the cross.  It is right to utilize our senses to express our faith - be that through the sense of smell of incense, the sense of hearing of music, chant, bells..., the sense of touch via prayer beads, the sense of taste of Holy Communion, the vestibular sense of movement via metanoias, kneeling, prostrations, etc.  

We cannot look at the expression of a person's religion and judge them.  We can only look at the fruit that their religiosity is bearing in their lives.  Are they peaceful and joyful?  Are they merciful and compassionate? If so, what's the problem?  Clearly, their religious piety is helping them to be more virtuous and holy.  If not, then the problem isn't their piety but the disposition of their heart.  And that is true for the spiritual-but-not-religious as well.

Plenty of people claim to be spiritual but not religious and nonetheless the lack of religiosity does nothing to help them be more joyful or peaceful, merciful or compassionate.  On the other hand, other spiritual-but-not-religious-ers are plenty virtuous and holy, even if they don't subscribe to any particular religious tradition, or they do, but they don't participate in it regularly.

Only God knows their hearts.  Only God knows if they are meeting their obligations to God.  Practical and pragmatic alternatives being unbearable, I believe God meets us wherever we are and honors our turning to Him no matter what the reasons or details.

Having considered the secular, materialistic alternative to religiosity, I have decided that life would not be worth living with that worldview.  I refuse to succumb to it, even if in the end it turns out that it is factual.  Factual does not mean "true".  Truth is something that permeates existence and cannot be pinpointed with language.

While many would argue that my falling into Christianity isn't "valid", I disagree.  I believe that it is impossible to make a solid case for the superiority of the Christian religion with the number of in-house disagreements within Christianity.  How can Christians claim they've got it all figured out if they don't even think other Christians have it all figured out?  

But what I CAN get on board with is the spirit of the fundamentals of the faith, which I believe is based on the incarnation of the Divine, on the eternity of life, on the power of repentance and forgiveness, on the importance of mercy and compassion.  If a worldview somehow contributes to these principles, then I think it is doing the work of Christ, and it makes no difference if we use the label "Christian" for them or not.

(As an aside, the word "Christian" in Polish is actually literally translated as "The Baptised" - it's based on the act of baptism rather than on the name of the One who modeled baptism for us, namely Christ.  Christians even disagree on the meaning and importance of baptism, and certainly on the appropriate timing of it.  So with this in mind, some Christians may not be considered Christians in Polish.  But I digress...)

In a nutshell, I came to Christ by way of the process of elimination.  I tried on different worldviews, different religions, different spiritualities.  And while each had something to offer, not having found a perfect fit anywhere, I decided to do the practical thing and return to my roots.  I figured, if I'm not reinventing the wheel, trying to learn new prayers, new rituals, new ways of explaining life, then I can better concentrate on going deeper in the faith that already comes naturally to me.

I want to end this thought process on the following note:  I do not know of any mystics - in any religious tradition - that bicker about the need of people switching religions.  Rather, mystics urge us to go deeper, wherever we are.  And I believe firmly that if we go deep enough, regardless where we started, we will end up at the heart of all religion - union with God, theosis, salvation, nirvana, enlightenment, heaven, or at it's most basic: eternal peace and joy!

Beliefs, Rituals, Faith, Religion, Spirituality - oh My!

I firmly believe in a Creator God.  I believe *He is loving and powerful and omniscient.  I believe we live on in some way after death.  I believe this afterlife is different from our earthly life.  I don't know how, but I trust and believe it.  I base this belief on the observation of nature itself, including the entire cosmos!  Energy is neither created nor destroyed, so I believe "energy" is a scientific term for what religionists call God, but it is not a complete definition of God.  God IS energy (think Holy Spirit here), but energy is not an intelligent being.  Energy does not judge us for wrongdoing nor reward us for righteous living.  So God is more than just energy.

While many people argue that instead of God having created us in *His image, it is us who have created "a god" in our own image, I disagree.  I believe SOME people create a god in their own image, and this we'd call an idol.  This is a god that is limited in virtue and power and wisdom.  This is a vengeful god, a nit-picking god, a self-absorbed god.  This is nothing like the God of the Bible, the God of Christianity, the God I believe in.

Rather the God I believe in is the ideal to which all human beings aspire.  Because we cannot aspire to that which we do not know or have not experienced ourselves in some capacity, it leads me to believe that there is a touch of divinity left on our souls by our Creator, that causes us to look towards heaven and wonder.  That wonder is the spark necessary to form any spirituality, and often religion as well.  

I do recognize that spirituality and religion are two different approaches to God and all things heavenly, but they are not mutually exclusive.  Spirituality speaks to the mysterious, the emotive, the subtle, the inexplicable, the awe and peace and joy that we find in God.  Religion speaks to our desire for community, moral living, and traditions and rituals that help us mark milestones and express outwardly something of our inward faith.

Some people are only spiritual ("spiritual but not religious").  These are usually folks that have been burned by religion or religious authority figures, and they react to those experiences without being able to appreciate the positive aspects of religion. 

Other people are only religious.  These are generally the literalists, the extremists, the superficial list-checkers, the moralists - those who focus on the letter and not the spirit of the law that Jesus criticized.  They do what is supposed to be "good" but without allowing it to transform them from the inside.

But is such transformation really "necessary"?  Depends on what our goal is.  If an intentional life of peace and joy is the goal, then yes.  I do think living a spiritual life is more fulfilling than living a secular life.  But I do not thing that it is necessary to open the gates of heaven, for instance.  Though I do think we will have a better time "there" if we took time to prepare "here".

Then there's the definition of religion.  Is it the mere superficial doing of external rites, rituals, traditions?  Or is it also the belief in the meaning behind said actions?  If it's the latter, then I'm definitely religious - I find comfort in the liturgy, in repetition, in familiarity.  May be part of my personality, may be part of my autism.  But I like it and find meaning in it, but not necessarily the meaning the official magisterium of the church would like me to find.  

My spirituality isn't exactly Catholic Christian.  My religion is, but my spirituality is a hybrid.  The most important thing is how do I relate to God?  And this is the thing that cannot be pigeon-holed into any one set way.  What's more, it's not up for external validation, since no one else knows my heart the way God does.

* I use male pronouns because Jesus is male and He refers to the Source as "Abba/Father".  It's just a convenient way to keep God's superpersonhood in mind.  I cannot relate to God without gender.  Nowadays this point has really been driven home to me as people deny their biologically-based gender and reinvent grammar to try to fit with their need to be a nonconformist.  But I digress.  I've gone through periods when I referred to God with feminine pronouns, but since I am choosing to stay firmly within the Christian worldview, I find it more consistent to use the language that is familiar with other Christ-followers.  That said, it is understood that God is not "merely" male, nor is *He "merely" female.  God is "super" personal - that is, as a Trinity, God is not just "a" person like human beings.  But in order to relate to God, we must personify *Him to a degree based on our lived experience.