Humility, a virtue

I recently went through a phase, as Alex would call it (in fact, he DID call it that), where I became nearly obsessed with modesty.  I wanted to respect my body as God’s temple, and I spent a good deal of time researching what others had to say on the subject of modesty.  

Finally, I read something that helped me get back down to earth.  Someone pointed out that modesty is actually about one’s attitude and intention, and not one’s outward appearance.  She pointed out that one can be wearing a burlap bag and seductively gaze at a married man, hence being completely immodest.  Then of course there are those who pride themselves on their modest apparel, which immediately disqualifies them from being considered modest.  I didn’t want to become one of those people.

In the end, I realized that I became what in Catholicism is called scrupulous: so fixated on a single issue that I failed to see the bigger picture, and in the process forgot that my actions are to be honoring God, not perfecting me.  On one hand, I’m already perfect in the sense that I am a child of God, and if this is the way God made me, then this is good enough for me.  On the other hand, I will never be perfect this side of heaven, because I continue to live in a sinful world.   Jesus Christ is the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2), so nothing I do will take His place.  The decision to dress modestly is to glorify God by respecting our bodies, His temples, not to brag about our holiness. 

Yet, there are people who insist that it is not only possible to make oneself perfect;  they also believe that they are being successful at it.  There are several problems with this attitude.  1) Our standards of holiness and God’s standards are very different, so the likelihood of us truly being saints as God intends for us to be is not great.  Besides, saints do not go around believing that they are saints.  A constant acknowledgement of room for improvement is one of the markings of a true saint. 2) Even if we truly are doing all the charitable and sacrificial and merciful things that God asks of us, to think that we are able to do so out of our own strength, without God’s help, is a fallacy that fails to recognize who God is and who we are. 3) When we focus on how great we are, we inevitably fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others, who by necessity must fall short of our accomplishments to make us feel worthy of our holiness.

First of all, it takes more than being “good enough” or “better than others” to please God.  St. Paul wrote in James 1:26-27:  ^“If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless. Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.”   Some people do indeed take interest in the wellbeing of others, and therefore, they may think that this gives them the right to take pride in their religiosity based on this verse.  However, they are fooling themselves.

They may think that their accomplishments – whatever those may be – are thanks to their own hard work and good attitude, but they never think twice about where that desire, ability to discern between right and wrong, and the virtues to withstand societal pressure and do the right thing anyway come from.  Surely they don’t think that they are the source of all good things in their lives?  We are reminded by St. Paul in James 1:17: “Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.”

Even our very faith in God and what He’s revealed to us is a grace – a free gift – not something that we ourselves have earned.  “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God” (Ephesians 2:8).  If we are able to be kind to our neighbors; generous with our time, talents, or treasures; or willing to sacrifice for the sake of another, we ought to praise God for that ability!  Jesus said in Matthew 19:26 that “with God all things are possible”.  It is God who enables us to accomplish great things, and it is God who has the final say regarding how and when all of our hard work will be rewarded.

If we think that our goodness is our own doing, then it is a logical next step to look at others whom we deem not as holy as us, and blame them for their shortcomings.  The moment this thought enters our minds, we commit a sin against the virtue of charity, for we judge our neighbor unjustly.   Jesus teaches us in Matthew 7:1-5, “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

I know some very kind people who have a chance to truly be saints if they would just have a slight attitude adjustment.  If we see someone like this, a would-be saint, then I believe it would be a great act of mercy pleasing to God for us to help this person on their way to holiness.  One way we can do this is by removing their urge to meet the inherent human need for appreciation and acknowledgment by self-praise.  The only way we can do this is to recognize their good works in order for them to feel worthy.  

Now, in the end, this person would do well to refocus their energy away from themselves and towards the Lord, their creator, sustainer, savior, and the source of all their virtues.  Only then will the person truly feel worthy, when having recognized that their good deeds are not meant to bring glory to them but to God, they can rest in the knowledge that no matter their success, God loves them.

I still try to dress modestly, but it does not consume my life the way it did when I first started thinking about it.  I’ve accepted that I will inevitably fall short of God’s hopes for me, and that the quickest way to pick myself up again is to simply extend my hand to Jesus, Who is always ready to pick me up and dust me off and set me on the right path again.  The goal in my life is no longer to try to be good. Jesus Himself even said in Luke 18:19,“Why do you call Me good? No one is good except God alone.”  My goal is to seek to please God, and the way I can do that is by fixing my gaze on Christ and comparing myself only to His example. Needless to say, I have a very, very long way to go.

Phillipians 2:3-11

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; ⁴ do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. ⁵ Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, ⁶ who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷ but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. ⁸ Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. ⁹ For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, ¹⁰ so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, ¹¹ and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Here's a litany of humility for anyone wanting to pray for the grace of a meek and humble hear like that of Jesus.

"Peace I leave with you" (Jn 14:27)

This year’s DC Green Festival served as a reminder of all the things I used to be so passionate about before becoming  complacent again in the face of overwhelming problems that I couldn’t fix single-handedly, and because I have the luxury of ignoring the problems as I retreat into the ignorant way of life that most people find comfort in. 

Alex and I haven’t been in a couple of years, but this years, since we are on our church’s Green Team, and since we’re the ones who brought the festival to the attention of the rest of the committee members, we attended both days of the Green Festival.  

We planned which talks we’d attend in advance, sometimes sitting in on talks together, other times going our separate ways to cover multiple topics.  We enjoyed some vegetarian cuisine at the food court, stopped by multiple vendor tables for free samples, literature, and to gather ideas – both for what our church is trying to do and for our personal education.  Three other Green Team chairs also attended, all for the first time.  

There was much that I learned, still more I was reminded of, and a not too shabby amount I felt justified for having been following for years.  But the flip side of being informed is feeling responsible to act.  I say “flip side” because responsible action isn’t always as easy as it should be. 

For instance, a talk that really moved me was by Medea Benjamin, cofounder of Code Pink and Global Exchange who, immediately after her talk, was getting on a plane with a delegation and flying to Pakistan.  She enlightened me on the dangers of military drones when in the wrong hands.  The part that really stayed with me was how the majority of Americans apparently find no problem with the US using remote-controlled drones to kill thousands across the ocean… because American pilots for these drones are sitting in the safety of a virtual cockpit and going home to their families after a day of killing.  

She also pointed out that we are essentially instigating retaliation attacks by refusing to remove our military presence from other people’s national borders.  The American government finds no problem with crossing borders uninvited in the name of our brand of democracy, but feels violated when others return evil for evil, as happened on 9/11, for instance.  

Most Americans think that the so-called war on terror began on September 11, 2001, I think.  After all, that’s the day when OUR borders were penetrated and OUR people were killed in cold blood.  Therefore, we had the right to fight back, right?  Except that few people seem to want to listen to our enemy’s explanation for WHY they attacked us in the first place.  If we take the time to listen, we see that our ongoing presence within THEIR borders, interfering with THEIR way of life, has not been well received.  

Now don’t get me wrong – I do believe that as a powerful nation, when we become aware of human rights abuses anywhere in the world, by virtue of us having the ability to help, we are obligated to help.  But HOW we help is where I think the problem begins.  I don’t have the answers.  I’m only pointing out what I’m observing.

Which brings me to my final point regarding war, peace, and the founding fathers’ Judeo-Christian values that so many Americans constantly refer to whenever they feel threatened by the mainly Muslim Middle East culture in any way.  We are quick to defend OUR freedom of religion, OUR  faith values, OUR rights… but what about what Jesus taught about turning the other cheek? (Matthew 5:39) What about what Jesus taught about forgiveness?  (John 20:23, Matthew 6:14-15) What about what Jesus taught about praying for our enemies and being merciful to those who persecute us?  (Luke 6:28) THAT suddenly gets blasted for being “un-American”.  We can’t have it both ways.  We can’t claim to be a “Christian nation” without fully ascribing to all Christian values.  Forgiveness, mercy, and compassion are pretty much the crux of Jesus’s teaching, life, ministry.  Without these, we cannot call ourselves His followers.

So I am left with a conundrum.  What can I, as an individual citizen, do in the way of peace?  So often I’ve read Scripture about how important peace is to God, and so often I’ve made the connection between how there cannot be peace on earth when there is so little peace in the hearts and minds of most people.  People who are at peace do not start wars.  But also, people not in power do not start wars either.  Therefore, it is imperative for our leaders, the ones who have the power to wage war, to be at peace with themselves.  Again, though, I wonder – how can *I* be of service to the Lord in this regard?

I must remain open to God’s inspiration and willing to abide by His will, though I do not yet know what that is, other than having this realization and posting it here.

Luke 23:34

Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.

Life's not fair. Thank God!

I think God truly enjoys it when revelations dawn on us in light of our own, personal experience.  It’s the best way to learn – by internalizing something into your very core.  As long as there’s a good reason for something, we are more likely to accept it, embrace it even.  Before she died, my best friend Rachel and I were kicking around the idea of writing a book together entitled “Thank God Life Isn’t Fair”.  On some as-yet unexamined level, we both knew that there was more to life than just what meets the eye when it comes to the struggles in our lives.

People who, after struggling with infertility, end up adopting their children often point out that they had to have gone through infertility in order for God to lead them to the children that were destined to be theirs.  Many adoptive parents don’t realize that they are being called to adopt until after the gift – yes, I said gift – of infertility.  They recognize that it was thanks to infertility that their hearts were turned on to adoption.

Alex and I are not yet at the end of our journey.  We don’t yet have the benefit of hindsight to reflect on and acknowledge the benefits of our having struggled with infertility for all these years.  However, even in the midst of it, thanks to careful discernment, we are starting to realize some of the possible benefits of our struggle.

For instance, the circumstances of our diagnosis have led us to truly consider Alex’s health, realizing that his hypothyroidism may be at the root of the various other health concerns he’s been dealing with.  Especially when it comes to weight, it is so easy to dismiss someone as not being dedicated enough because they’re not active enough, or because they eat too much of the wrong foods.  It’s funny how these are preconceived judgments people make without even bothering to know what really goes on in a person’s diet and exercise routine, especially when there appears to be no such thing as a single, fool-proof “diet” or “lifestyle change” that works equally well for everyone.  

We’ve tried the blood type diet.  A friend of ours insists on a raw food diet.  Everyone seems to think calorie counting is the way to go.  But what I’ve found in my research is that the cause of your overweight is the key to figuring out how to lose the pounds, and what may work for one person will not necessarily work for another person.

With that in mind, we are learning that Alex’s hypothyroidism is preventing him from losing weight NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES.  He has spent the past 4 months working with a personal trainer 3 times per week, in addition to a weekly yoga class or time on a treadmill.  He has been watching his meal portions, eating breakfast, and avoiding junk food.  Yet four months later, he has yet to lose any weight.  It must be so frustrating to be working so hard and still have to deal with naysayers who blame him for his bad health.

Yesterday we got our anticipated copy of The Hypothyroid Diet by Dr. Kevin Dobrzynski, and we are learning things there about nutrition and how the body works that none of the countless doctors we’ve seen over the years, for general purposes and for infertility, have thought to teach us.  And I, for one, have a lot of hope that we may start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Had we been blessed with a child right when we decided that we were ready, we wouldn’t have had the time nor the motivation to keep digging, and Alex’s health would’ve continued to deteriorate.  Hypothyroidism can lead to diabetes, which can lead to blindness and coma, and eventually even death.  This condition is no joke.  Yet without anyone telling us that it was so serious, we never would’ve thought to address it beyond Alex popping the prescribed pills in spite of not seeing his symptoms improve years into his treatment.

So there you have it: one of several benefits of what on the surface seemed like nature’s cruel joke.  Infertility isn't fair.... but if it's thanks to infertility that we will be able to save Alex's life by addressing his hypothyroidism, then that's nothing short of God's grace at work.  Thank you, Lord, for giving us infertility and for preventing us from adopting all of these years, because thanks to this constant nagging longing in our hearts for a child, we have finally been able to address one of Your holy temples - Alex's body - with the care and attention that it, and You, deserve.

Romans 8:28

God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

 

On hold from pursuing parenthood

Yesterday, Alex and I were reflecting on the possible meaning of our being "on hold" right now.  We got our initial infertility diagnosis over four and a half years ago, January 2nd, 2008, to be exact, after two years of charting and trying to conceive naturally.  Since that time, we pursued private domestic adoption with 4 birthmothers changing their minds; we inquired about over 50 waiting kids in foster care to no avail; we fostered a little girl we affectionately called VV for 10 months, hoping to adopt her but having that dream crushed; we spent a full year pursuing international adoption from my native Poland before we decided to cut our losses and withdraw from the program (more on that later); and we adopted 4 embryos and gave them a chance to continue to live full lives.  

The latest of these, our "Fantastic Four" (as there were 4 embryos in the batch that we adopted), were the last active attempt we made in our pursuit of parenthood.  I will share the details of our journey, but for the time being, suffice it to say that after over 4 years of "trying", we are "on hold" - ie, not trying.  We - ok, more me than Alex, who's always gone with the flow - so, I am learning to enjoy living life complete for the time being as two.  It has been very refreshing to simply enjoy life, enjoy my husband, enjoy the many other blessings in our lives.

We have been on hold now for four months.  Twenty more months to go.  You see, I was in prayer after our second loss in May when I was drawn to 2 Kings 11.  It’s a strange link, I think, but as I read about Athaliah, Queen of Judah, I couldn’t help but notice certain numbers and ideas jumping out at me.

If you’re not familiar with this biblical narrative, when Athaliah’s son Ahaziah died, she took it upon herself to kill off all the royal offspring so she could rule, but Jehosheba, the daughter of King Joram and sister of Ahaziah, managed to hide Ahaziah’s son, Joash.  I’m not very clear on the whys of the situation (I’m no biblical scholar), so just bare with me.  Six years passed while Athaliah ruled the land. In the 7^th year, the true heir, Joash, was revealed.  Athaliah did not take well to this news and started making a ruckus, at which point she was escorted outside the city gates and killed. 

In spite of the fact that I don’t fully grasp the biblical significance of this chapter (I never said this was a bible study!), here is what resonated with me and my current situation at the time:  Athaliah was actively pursuing her own will, forcing the true king to be hidden for 6 years.  In my life, for 6 years we pursued parenthood on our own terms, assuming to know God’s will without ever consulting Him.  We insisted on ruling in our lives. During this time, the rightful heir, the One who ought to be ruling in our hearts, Christ, was waiting quietly in the background. The fact that the name of this book is “Kings” also reaffirms for me that I have not been allowing Christ to reign in my life.  

In the 7^th year, the true king was revealed, and instead of accepting this, Athaliah insisted on her way and was killed for it. Here, I see it as a warning that we are in the 7^th year since we actively started trying to conceive (read: trying to have it our way), and if we don’t back off and allow God’s will to be revealed to us unobstructed by our own plans, this will not bode well for us.

There were other numbers that jumped out at me, in addition to the 6 years that Athaliah ruled coinciding with the 6 years we had been trying to become parents our way.  Right before this chapter, in the 36^th verse of 2 Kings 10, we learn that the previous king, Jehu, reigned in Israel for 28 years – the age that I was when we actively started trying to conceive.  Also, the numbers in the very reference – 2 Kings 11 – spoke to me.  In two years, Alex and I would be celebrating our 11^th wedding anniversary.  This is where I got the burden on my heart that we needed to lay low for 2 years, until our 11^th anniversary, which is in May, the same month when I had this revelation. 

Since we’ve been on hold, in only 4 short months, we’ve come to acknowledge that Alex’s hypothyroidism isn’t being well controlled by his medications, and that it may very well be the cause not only of various general symptoms such as fatigue or heart burn, but also his sleep apnea (which his C-pap machine apparently won’t cure), and… possibly even the azoospermia that got us on this roller-coaster journey to parenthood to begin with!  

Now, the idea that there may still be a sliver of hope for us to conceive a mutually biological child may have been the initial motivation to turn our attention in the right direction, but in all honesty, we are motivated to help Alex get healthy no matter what effect this may or may not have on the azoospermia.  As it stands, it may cure it.  Not enough research has been done to definitively say one way or another, so we’re looking at our life as a sort of amateur research study to this end.  There’s been studies that show a link between obesity and azoospermia (in fact, 80% of morbidly obese men have azoospermia), and I’ve recently learned that hypothyroid also has been linked with sperm production and quality issues.  Therefore, we truly don’t know what the future holds, but we are committed, for 2 years, to not actively pursuing any route to parenthood other than the one that comes with being married. ;-)

Amazing things happen when we allow God to fulfill His will in our lives, but it is too soon for us to tell what His plan for us is just yet.  Still, we are growing closer to Him and to each other as we wait impatiently for the green light arrow pointing us in the right direction.  I fully have faith that God will still bless us with a child, but I just don’t know when or how He will do so.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. 

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Cross references:

1. Proverbs 3:5 : Ps 37:3, 5; Prov 22:19
2. Proverbs 3:5 : Prov 23:4; Jer 9:23
3. Proverbs 3:6 : 1 Chr 28:9; Prov 16:3; Phil 4:6; James 1:5
4. Proverbs 3:6 : Is 45:13; Jer 10:23