I've been struggling with the discussion of embryo donation/adoption lately. Before our daughter was born, I was very open about our journey and what avenues we were considering in our pursuit to parenthood. But now that she's here, it's her story too, and I'm afraid of giving too much away without her consent.
I know too many ignorant people who do not censor their thoughts before they speak. Case in point. Last night we were getting our check at a restaurant when the waitress, looking at Maya, asked, "Who does she look like?" Awkward pause... "She doesn't look like either of you!"
Hmm, I chickened out and took the chance to focus on my daughter not spilling her drink so that I wouldn't have to address the waitress. Alex, luckily, responded with a vague truth that seemed to satisfy our rude inquirer, "She's got a little mix in her."
Apparently, as Maya gets older, she is growing more into her Filipino looks. To be honest, we both assumed that we could bank on her being mistaken for Hispanic and therefore, since Alex is Latino, not have to face these sort of questions. We've been getting comments about her beauty since the beginning, and I've had two different men ask me - when Alex wasn't with us - if she were "mine". Alex generally sailed by on their daddy-and-me escapades, until just this month.
Apparently, he recently got his first comment questioning where Maya gets her looks from. There was a guess that I - his wife - may be Chinese. He got the exact same comment from someone else just the day before the restaurant situation. So if even he's getting these comments now, we have to be proactively prepared to respond in a way that lets our daughter know 1) that she absolutely belongs in our family regardless of resemblance, and 2) what an appropriate response to such a nosy question would be if she ever gets asked something like this directly.
The other piece of the puzzle is that we do want to celebrate her British and Filipino ancestry. We want her to be proud of it, though to be honest, I don't know what that means. What does it mean to be proud of a group that you belong to? To be proud of the accomplishments of those who share your DNA? Your ethnicity? Your cultural history? Why is that something to be proud of? I'm not saying it's not, I'm just wondering what makes this phenomenon relevant in a person's life.
Regardless, we can no longer ignore that Maya's ethnicity is not Polish-Latina. Don't get me wrong - she absolutely still is Polish, by virtue of having a Polish mother who speaks Polish to her, and she absolutely still is Latina, by virtue of having a Latino father who speaks Spanish to her. Furthermore, she is American - that which unites the three of us. But to think that this last identity would take precedence over race, ethnicity, or culture is a bit naive.
Several months ago, Alex and I agreed that if the topic of conversation naturally presented an opportunity to share Maya's unique beginnings, we would matter-of-factly share. I had the chance to do just that with a new friend whose husband is Filipino. It made more sense for me to share this information with her than to go out of my way to hide it, since I was asking all sorts of questions about Filipino culture!
But there are other friends, both old and new, who don't yet know. Not because we're hiding it, but because we don't think of how she came to be in our family anymore. I don't want anyone to ever question how "real" our relationships to each other are. I don't know what I would do if someone said something like "does she know her 'real' parents". Would I cry? Would I curse? Would I start yelling or even lash out with a backhanded slap to the back of the accuser's head? I honestly don't think I could just calmly correct the person.
Quick aside. I was recently asked if I "just stay home" with my daughter. I tried to make light of the phrasing. As in, yeah, I don't really do anything much. But it didn't catch on and the person asked if I did anything before having Maya. I took the bait and responded that I taught ESL, and the moment was gone after that. But the implication was heavy and is still with me, though I don't think what I do is easy at all (hence the word "just").
Based on my lack of a witty yet polite reaction to the "just staying home" conversation, or the "she doesn't look like either of you" exchange, I can't say that I would know what the best way to respond would be to a "real parent/own child" interaction.
I think the best defense is offense, as counter intuitive as that may sound. I should probably test the waters one person at a time, until I am very comfortable sharing just enough but not too much information, so that I am prepared for the inevitable stranger comments and questions.
By the way, here's what I've come up with regarding any future comments about our family's resemblance to each other:
1. Yeah, I don't look like my mom either.
2. Really? You don't think? Everyone else says she's a spitting image of her dad!
3. No, she looks like herself.
4. I know, aren't genetics a fascinating phenomenon?
5.Well, she's all ours! I gave birth to her myself, naturally at home, even.
6. Why do you ask? What makes you say that?
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Hoping for Faith
In the Discovering Christ series I'm attending, CS Lewis's famous quote was brought up, where he says that Jesus can only be "a liar, a lunatic, or Lord", and that He is only worth following if we deem Him Lord. I actually disagree with this dichotomy. I think there is no reason to discount a person's teachings based solely on his or her personal character.
Both Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. are deemed as heroes in their respective civil rights movements, yet both are purported to have been abusive or neglectful to their own wives. Should people have refused to follow their leadership regarding civil rights because of their personal shortcomings? And what about the political scandals of government officials whose personal lives may indeed be a hot mess, yet who have their head on straight when it comes to public policy that's in the best interest of the people?
So I don't think that people are merely being patronizing when they do not believe Jesus to be Lord. Even if they actually took that step of saying they do think Jesus was mentally unstable, or lied for some reason about the kingdom of God, this in no way negates the value of His teaching - namely, forgiveness, mercy, justice...
Another possibility is that Jesus actually taught one thing, but He was misunderstood, either initially or after the Gospels were written down. Personally, I don't see how Jesus could be considered a liar or "a lunatic", if in addition to teaching, he also performed miracles of healing, exorcisms, mass feedings, control over forces of nature, and defied death - both that of others and his own.
The question becomes - did He indeed actually do these things? Because if He did, it makes no sense to ignore the miracles and split hairs over the teachings. And if He did not, then we do not necessarily have to throw out the proverbial baby with the bath water - his teachings, be they actually his or not, resonate with many, and have been proven to change lives. There's no reason not to acknowledge and appreciate that.
Now, what does ride on giving the "right" answer to Jesus's question, "Who do you say that I am?" (Matthew 16:15, Mark 8:29, Luke 9:20) is not whether or not we do as He command us, as God expects of us. Rather, what we believe about Jesus will affect our personal satisfaction with our lives. If we are following a prophet, sage, guru, the teaching is what takes priority. We model our lives on his example, to the best of our abilities, and hope for the best. This may or may not be sufficient for any given person to live a meaningful life.
But if we believe that we are following no mere mortal, but God Incarnate Himself, we are instantly humbled first and foremost, second we are made cognizant of God's incredible love for us that He should suffer in our place, and therefore, our entire lives are filled with the joy and peace that only Christ can bring. At least, that is my understanding. That is where I hope to get to in my faith journey.
These last couple of words are important to me: faith journey. Up until now, I have always thought of myself as a spiritual seeker, on a spiritual journey. But today, what naturally came across instead was not a spiritual journey but a faith journey. I am in the religion I want to be in. I have left twice now, and I have returned twice. I know that happiness is not attainable for me outside of Catholicism. I am no longer interested in questioning and doubting the basic teachings of Christianity, as though proving them wrong would somehow improve my quality of life. If I turn out to be wrong about the nature of God and all that follows according to Catholic tradition, so be it. At least I pursued a life worth living. But if I end up being right, there's no comparison to the joy I will feel at the leap of faith I had to make to get there!
So now I'm on a faith journey. I'm seeking to grow closer to Jesus, that aspect of God - if you will - that is most relatable to me as a human being. I'm only interested in delving deeper into the Catholic tradition, Catholic interpretation, Catholic spirituality. This does not mean I no longer find other paths valuable, but I cannot have a foot on each path and expect to find any real meaning in any of them. Multiple roads may lead to the same destination, but in order to actually arrive at one's destination, one must first choose a single road. No, I want to focus from now on on what Catholicism has to offer, as I know there is a lifetime's worth of beauty and truth to be discovered.
The intellectual side of me shall focus on the years between the time of Jesus and the acceptance of the current canon of Scripture. In other words, the early church. May this intellectual pursuit allow my mind to be opened to bridge the gap between faith and hope for faith. Amen.
Both Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. are deemed as heroes in their respective civil rights movements, yet both are purported to have been abusive or neglectful to their own wives. Should people have refused to follow their leadership regarding civil rights because of their personal shortcomings? And what about the political scandals of government officials whose personal lives may indeed be a hot mess, yet who have their head on straight when it comes to public policy that's in the best interest of the people?
So I don't think that people are merely being patronizing when they do not believe Jesus to be Lord. Even if they actually took that step of saying they do think Jesus was mentally unstable, or lied for some reason about the kingdom of God, this in no way negates the value of His teaching - namely, forgiveness, mercy, justice...
Another possibility is that Jesus actually taught one thing, but He was misunderstood, either initially or after the Gospels were written down. Personally, I don't see how Jesus could be considered a liar or "a lunatic", if in addition to teaching, he also performed miracles of healing, exorcisms, mass feedings, control over forces of nature, and defied death - both that of others and his own.
The question becomes - did He indeed actually do these things? Because if He did, it makes no sense to ignore the miracles and split hairs over the teachings. And if He did not, then we do not necessarily have to throw out the proverbial baby with the bath water - his teachings, be they actually his or not, resonate with many, and have been proven to change lives. There's no reason not to acknowledge and appreciate that.
Now, what does ride on giving the "right" answer to Jesus's question, "Who do you say that I am?" (Matthew 16:15, Mark 8:29, Luke 9:20) is not whether or not we do as He command us, as God expects of us. Rather, what we believe about Jesus will affect our personal satisfaction with our lives. If we are following a prophet, sage, guru, the teaching is what takes priority. We model our lives on his example, to the best of our abilities, and hope for the best. This may or may not be sufficient for any given person to live a meaningful life.
But if we believe that we are following no mere mortal, but God Incarnate Himself, we are instantly humbled first and foremost, second we are made cognizant of God's incredible love for us that He should suffer in our place, and therefore, our entire lives are filled with the joy and peace that only Christ can bring. At least, that is my understanding. That is where I hope to get to in my faith journey.
These last couple of words are important to me: faith journey. Up until now, I have always thought of myself as a spiritual seeker, on a spiritual journey. But today, what naturally came across instead was not a spiritual journey but a faith journey. I am in the religion I want to be in. I have left twice now, and I have returned twice. I know that happiness is not attainable for me outside of Catholicism. I am no longer interested in questioning and doubting the basic teachings of Christianity, as though proving them wrong would somehow improve my quality of life. If I turn out to be wrong about the nature of God and all that follows according to Catholic tradition, so be it. At least I pursued a life worth living. But if I end up being right, there's no comparison to the joy I will feel at the leap of faith I had to make to get there!
So now I'm on a faith journey. I'm seeking to grow closer to Jesus, that aspect of God - if you will - that is most relatable to me as a human being. I'm only interested in delving deeper into the Catholic tradition, Catholic interpretation, Catholic spirituality. This does not mean I no longer find other paths valuable, but I cannot have a foot on each path and expect to find any real meaning in any of them. Multiple roads may lead to the same destination, but in order to actually arrive at one's destination, one must first choose a single road. No, I want to focus from now on on what Catholicism has to offer, as I know there is a lifetime's worth of beauty and truth to be discovered.
The intellectual side of me shall focus on the years between the time of Jesus and the acceptance of the current canon of Scripture. In other words, the early church. May this intellectual pursuit allow my mind to be opened to bridge the gap between faith and hope for faith. Amen.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Lectio Divina Gospel of Mark
I have recently (about 2 months ago) decided to become religious again. I didn't believe, but I wanted to, which was an improvement from not wanting to believe before that. I tasted life without religion and decided it wasn't for me. I had no interest in a secular, even deistic, view of the world. I wanted to ground my life in something greater than myself. Yet I find it hard to literally believe everything taught in Christianity.
One of the problems is that there are as many takes on who Jesus was/is and what He meant through His teaching as there are denominations, and in trying to make sense of them all, I abandoned the one interpretation I was most familiar with. Even as I didn't believe in Christianity anymore/yet, I knew that if I were to consider myself a Christian again, I had previously determined that Catholicism makes the most sense.
This last year or so, I was looking for spiritual truth outside of Christianity all together, which led me down a path of chaos and despair. I finally decided that I wasn't interested in being considered intellectual enough by secularists, modern enough by materialists, or even religious enough by traditionalists. I just wanted to be happy, and I knew that I couldn't find happiness outside of Catholicism. So that's where I was when I returned to the Church mid-August. I began receiving the Eucharist again, "as a sign of hope and a promise", per my retreat confessor's advice.
I'm still iffy on the creed, and that's really what I've been trying to come to grips with when I reread "Rediscovering Catholicism". I began to follow the spiritual practices suggested in the book. Some have been coming easier than others, but I'm committed to applying them all in my life in the hopes of drawing closer to God once again.
One of them was to start reading the Bible daily, which is how I began my Lectio Divina journey. And indeed, God has been meeting me where I'm at. The message that is unfolding through the verses and phrases that are jumping out at me is geared specifically towards helping me understand who Jesus is. Without this basic core, I cannot expect to grow in Catholic spirituality.
I started with the shortest gospel, Mark. I read once, stopping to consult the footnote explanations on the bottom of each page. I read a second time all the way through. When reading the third time, I wait for a certain verse to stir something inside me, and these are the verses noted below. Before each reading, I pray for God to open the eyes of my heart, to speak to me through the Scriptures. I noticed that within each verse, there were words or phrases that further resonated with me. These are in red.
About halfway through the gospel, I started to see a pattern from the red phrases. A message directed at me, meeting me right where I am on my faith journey, began to unravel. Soon after I noticed this, I started to feel drawn to go back and read another chapter, even as I'm reading some other spiritual reading or think I'll skip that day. I actually eagerly open the Bible and wait to see what the Lord has to say to me today. It's quite exhilarating. I've taken out all the red phrases and listed them below to show the message I feel I am getting from the Lord.
Mark 1:17
Jesus said, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men."
Mark 2:5
When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, "child, your sins are forgiven."
Mark 3:21
When His relatives heard of this they set out to seize [Jesus], for they said "He is out of His mind."
Mark 4:22
"For there is nothing hidden except to be made visible; nothing is secret except to come to light."
Mark 5:41
[Jesus] took the child by the hand and said to her [...] "Little girl, I say to you, arise!"
Mark 6:42
They all ate and were satisfied.
Mark 7:14
[Jesus] summoned the crowd again and said to them, "Hear me, all of you, and understand."
Mark 8:29
"But who do you say that I am?"
Mark 9:7
Then a cloud came, casting a shadow over them; then from the cloud came a voice, "This is my beloved Son. Listen to Him."
Mark 10:36
"What do you wish me to do for you?"
Mark 11:25
"When you stand to pray, forgive anyone against whom you have a grievance, so that your heavenly Father may in turn forgive you your transgressions."
Mark 12:14
"Teacher, we know that you are a truthful man and that you are not concerned with anyone's opinion. You [...] teach the way of God in accordance with the truth."
Mark 13:5
"See that no one deceives you."
Mark 14:27
Then Jesus said to them, "all of you will have your faith shaken."
Mark 15:39
When the centurion who stood facing Him saw how He breathed His last, he said, "Truly this man was the Son of God."
Mark 16:14
[Jesus] appeared to them and rebuked them for their unbelief and hardness of heart because they had not believed those who saw Him after he had been raised.
Follow me.
Your sins are forgiven.
He is out of his mind.
There is nothing hidden except to be made visible
Little girl, I say to you, arise!
All ate and were satisfied
Hear me, all of you, and understand.
Who do you say that I am?
This is my beloved Son. Listen to Him.
What do you wish me to do for you?
When you stand to pray, forgive
You teach the way of God in accordance with the truth.
See that no one deceives you.
All of you will have your faith shaken.
Truly this man was the Son of God.
[Jesus] rebuked them for their unbelief and hardness of heart.
Included here is a synopsis of the realizations I'm making from these phrases.
Sin is stagnation - no progress, caused by lack of faith. Jesus reaches out to us, urges us to leave our sinful habits behind, and to open ourselves to greater possibilities. This requires movement on our part. God is a mystery longing to be known. Discovering this about God brings peace. God wants to give me mercy, peace, understanding, and lead me to greatness - all I need to do to claim His grace is to have faith.
Peace and understanding lead to greatness. But sin stops peace and understanding and interferes with greatness. Therefore to live a great life, we must first receive God's mercy. We do this through faith. Peace comes from understanding that God is a mystery longing to be known. We must take a leap of faith to know God. True greatness is impossible without faith. Is Jesus "out of his mind" for revealing and offering this "secret" to happiness? Or is He the incarnation of God?
The above two paragraphs were written after some content analysis up to Mark 8:29. Amazingly, the next day, what stood out for me in my reading was the answer to the question posed the day before. "But who do you say that I am?" (Mark 8:29) --> "This is my beloved Son. Listen to Him." (Mark 9:7) Furthermore, the day after that, I hear from Jesus, asking me "What do you wish me to do for you?" (Mark 10:36). My response was unexpected. I knew as I was writing the verse that I wanted to give him an answer. I assumed that my answer would be "understanding". Yet when I turned to him in prayer, my mind instead directed me to Mark 2:5, and I asked for forgiveness. I named various habitual sins, and I asked to be freed from them. Amazing still was that the following day, the verse that stood out for me seemed to be a response to my request from the night before. Mark 11:25 tells me that I can be forgiven only if I forgive others. It blew my mind that I was essentially having a conversation with God through Lectio Divina.
Tonight I start a seven week series at my church called "Discovering Christ" which I am now even more excited about than when I first registered, because I believe that I will once and for all learn who Jesus is, who He can be in my life, and go from there.
UPDATE:
I have completed reading the Gospel of Mark. Amazingly, as I told Alex, I feel as though this experience has been a conversation between my Maker and me. Towards the end, I couldn't limit myself to just one chapter a day, and so I went ahead with the remainder of the gospel. I see that the underlying theme is the identity of Jesus and what He can do for me - precisely what the Discovering Christ series aims to establish. Wednesday's session dealt with the meaning of life as the starting point.
I'm comforted by these last few pearls that jumped out at me. Mark 13:5 came in handy today in the library, as I scanned the bookshelf of religion in search of some additional spiritual reading and found more books questioning faith than reaffirming it. In my head, I heard Jesus instruct me: "See that no one deceives you." Then this afternoon, I was comforted with Mark 14:27, "all of you will have your faith shaken." Yet the apostles went on to do great things for the Lord, which gives me hope for myself as well. Mark 15:39 reminds me of what I am starting to believe but I'm not sure what exactly this means to me, "Truly this man was the Son of God." And just as I questioned the previous verse, the last one given me was Jesus rebuking me for my "unbelief and hardness of heart". I'm excited. I believe that I can believe once again!
One of the problems is that there are as many takes on who Jesus was/is and what He meant through His teaching as there are denominations, and in trying to make sense of them all, I abandoned the one interpretation I was most familiar with. Even as I didn't believe in Christianity anymore/yet, I knew that if I were to consider myself a Christian again, I had previously determined that Catholicism makes the most sense.
This last year or so, I was looking for spiritual truth outside of Christianity all together, which led me down a path of chaos and despair. I finally decided that I wasn't interested in being considered intellectual enough by secularists, modern enough by materialists, or even religious enough by traditionalists. I just wanted to be happy, and I knew that I couldn't find happiness outside of Catholicism. So that's where I was when I returned to the Church mid-August. I began receiving the Eucharist again, "as a sign of hope and a promise", per my retreat confessor's advice.
I'm still iffy on the creed, and that's really what I've been trying to come to grips with when I reread "Rediscovering Catholicism". I began to follow the spiritual practices suggested in the book. Some have been coming easier than others, but I'm committed to applying them all in my life in the hopes of drawing closer to God once again.
One of them was to start reading the Bible daily, which is how I began my Lectio Divina journey. And indeed, God has been meeting me where I'm at. The message that is unfolding through the verses and phrases that are jumping out at me is geared specifically towards helping me understand who Jesus is. Without this basic core, I cannot expect to grow in Catholic spirituality.
I started with the shortest gospel, Mark. I read once, stopping to consult the footnote explanations on the bottom of each page. I read a second time all the way through. When reading the third time, I wait for a certain verse to stir something inside me, and these are the verses noted below. Before each reading, I pray for God to open the eyes of my heart, to speak to me through the Scriptures. I noticed that within each verse, there were words or phrases that further resonated with me. These are in red.
About halfway through the gospel, I started to see a pattern from the red phrases. A message directed at me, meeting me right where I am on my faith journey, began to unravel. Soon after I noticed this, I started to feel drawn to go back and read another chapter, even as I'm reading some other spiritual reading or think I'll skip that day. I actually eagerly open the Bible and wait to see what the Lord has to say to me today. It's quite exhilarating. I've taken out all the red phrases and listed them below to show the message I feel I am getting from the Lord.
Mark 1:17
Jesus said, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men."
Mark 2:5
When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, "child, your sins are forgiven."
Mark 3:21
When His relatives heard of this they set out to seize [Jesus], for they said "He is out of His mind."
Mark 4:22
"For there is nothing hidden except to be made visible; nothing is secret except to come to light."
Mark 5:41
[Jesus] took the child by the hand and said to her [...] "Little girl, I say to you, arise!"
Mark 6:42
They all ate and were satisfied.
Mark 7:14
[Jesus] summoned the crowd again and said to them, "Hear me, all of you, and understand."
Mark 8:29
"But who do you say that I am?"
Mark 9:7
Then a cloud came, casting a shadow over them; then from the cloud came a voice, "This is my beloved Son. Listen to Him."
Mark 10:36
"What do you wish me to do for you?"
Mark 11:25
"When you stand to pray, forgive anyone against whom you have a grievance, so that your heavenly Father may in turn forgive you your transgressions."
Mark 12:14
"Teacher, we know that you are a truthful man and that you are not concerned with anyone's opinion. You [...] teach the way of God in accordance with the truth."
Mark 13:5
"See that no one deceives you."
Mark 14:27
Then Jesus said to them, "all of you will have your faith shaken."
Mark 15:39
When the centurion who stood facing Him saw how He breathed His last, he said, "Truly this man was the Son of God."
Mark 16:14
[Jesus] appeared to them and rebuked them for their unbelief and hardness of heart because they had not believed those who saw Him after he had been raised.
Follow me.
Your sins are forgiven.
He is out of his mind.
There is nothing hidden except to be made visible
Little girl, I say to you, arise!
All ate and were satisfied
Hear me, all of you, and understand.
Who do you say that I am?
This is my beloved Son. Listen to Him.
What do you wish me to do for you?
When you stand to pray, forgive
You teach the way of God in accordance with the truth.
See that no one deceives you.
All of you will have your faith shaken.
Truly this man was the Son of God.
[Jesus] rebuked them for their unbelief and hardness of heart.
Included here is a synopsis of the realizations I'm making from these phrases.
Sin is stagnation - no progress, caused by lack of faith. Jesus reaches out to us, urges us to leave our sinful habits behind, and to open ourselves to greater possibilities. This requires movement on our part. God is a mystery longing to be known. Discovering this about God brings peace. God wants to give me mercy, peace, understanding, and lead me to greatness - all I need to do to claim His grace is to have faith.
Peace and understanding lead to greatness. But sin stops peace and understanding and interferes with greatness. Therefore to live a great life, we must first receive God's mercy. We do this through faith. Peace comes from understanding that God is a mystery longing to be known. We must take a leap of faith to know God. True greatness is impossible without faith. Is Jesus "out of his mind" for revealing and offering this "secret" to happiness? Or is He the incarnation of God?
The above two paragraphs were written after some content analysis up to Mark 8:29. Amazingly, the next day, what stood out for me in my reading was the answer to the question posed the day before. "But who do you say that I am?" (Mark 8:29) --> "This is my beloved Son. Listen to Him." (Mark 9:7) Furthermore, the day after that, I hear from Jesus, asking me "What do you wish me to do for you?" (Mark 10:36). My response was unexpected. I knew as I was writing the verse that I wanted to give him an answer. I assumed that my answer would be "understanding". Yet when I turned to him in prayer, my mind instead directed me to Mark 2:5, and I asked for forgiveness. I named various habitual sins, and I asked to be freed from them. Amazing still was that the following day, the verse that stood out for me seemed to be a response to my request from the night before. Mark 11:25 tells me that I can be forgiven only if I forgive others. It blew my mind that I was essentially having a conversation with God through Lectio Divina.
Tonight I start a seven week series at my church called "Discovering Christ" which I am now even more excited about than when I first registered, because I believe that I will once and for all learn who Jesus is, who He can be in my life, and go from there.
UPDATE:
I have completed reading the Gospel of Mark. Amazingly, as I told Alex, I feel as though this experience has been a conversation between my Maker and me. Towards the end, I couldn't limit myself to just one chapter a day, and so I went ahead with the remainder of the gospel. I see that the underlying theme is the identity of Jesus and what He can do for me - precisely what the Discovering Christ series aims to establish. Wednesday's session dealt with the meaning of life as the starting point.
I'm comforted by these last few pearls that jumped out at me. Mark 13:5 came in handy today in the library, as I scanned the bookshelf of religion in search of some additional spiritual reading and found more books questioning faith than reaffirming it. In my head, I heard Jesus instruct me: "See that no one deceives you." Then this afternoon, I was comforted with Mark 14:27, "all of you will have your faith shaken." Yet the apostles went on to do great things for the Lord, which gives me hope for myself as well. Mark 15:39 reminds me of what I am starting to believe but I'm not sure what exactly this means to me, "Truly this man was the Son of God." And just as I questioned the previous verse, the last one given me was Jesus rebuking me for my "unbelief and hardness of heart". I'm excited. I believe that I can believe once again!
Thursday, September 3, 2015
A Run-Down of the Religions I've Considered Over the Years
I thought I'd gather my thoughts here about why I ended up abandoning the pursuit of conversion to the various faith traditions that have fascinated me over the years, some of which I pursued longer and more intensely than others, in the hopes that when the next inevitable religious doubt overcomes me, I remember that the grass is the same everywhere I go, and to just stay put and wait it out in my own Catholic church.
In no particular order, below are the religions I've considered making my own at one point or another.
Paganism
I was an active solitary Pagan for a year, an inactive Pagan for another year, before I finally called it quits. I had my own personal Book of Shadows that I did, and I celebrated monthly on the full moon as well as the two solstices and two equinoxes. I participated in several community events for Pagans, as well. Ultimately, I ended up abandoning this faith expression as it lacked community, tradition, and felt a bit too fairy-tale for me. I liked the feminine divine aspect, as well as respect for nature.
Quakerism
For about five years, off and on, I attended five different meetinghouses for various lengths of time. I never shared a spoken ministry during meeting. For several months, I was in touch with a spiritual advisor who was a member of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers). I finally decided against joining because I wasn't getting the regular educational and encouraging aspects I had been used to from a homily based on scripture readings. I also missed the ritual and music. I did appreciate the four main testimonies of peace, equality, integrity, and simplicity. And I loved the silence, though it lacked balance with more vocal and lively worship.
Reform Judaism
I attended an educational workshop and a Hannukkah celebration open to the community at large, as well as a Yom Kippur celebration at Georgetown University. I also visited a synagogue when I checked out a sale they had going on. I decided against becoming a Reform Jew because it rubbed me the wrong way that there was a mandatory financial obligation that went with membership. I also felt like an outsider when surrounded by other Jews. It felt more like cultural appropriation than conversion. I had originally considered Reform Judaism because it did not require circumcision or keeping kosher, though because of this (in part), most other Jews don't consider Reform Jews Jewish anyway. Also, Judaism as a whole seemed to have a straightforward theology - one God - which I liked.
Islam
I've attended Friday prayer services at several mosques with friends. I've also been to Muslim weddings. One of my good long-time friends is Muslim, and I've also gotten the benefit of staying in her home and seeing first hand what a Muslim home life could be. I read and watched a lot of videos about Islam during my two-month stay in Germany. As with Judaism, I liked the simplicity of their theology - one God, Allah. I also liked the modesty and humility that came with the practice of wearing the hijab. However, I could not get on board with infant circumcision, animal sacrifice as part of Eid celebrations, and the halal dietary restrictions.
Buddhism
This was the first non-Catholic religion that I ever studied or considered. I've practiced yoga and meditation off and on over the years, and I've visited two Buddhist temples. The theory of reincarnation resonated with me. Zen buddhism was the particular form of Buddhism that I was most interested in due to its simplicity. However, the complete lack of a belief in God just didn't cut it for me. The one thing I never questioned was that there must be a Creator of the universe. It seemed impossible to join a Buddhist community and maintain a Buddhist practice when these did not center on the worship of my Maker.
Taoism
Honestly, Taoism was a quick, one week stop for me. Everything seemed perfect .... as long as I was buying into the idea that there's such a thing as philosophical Taoism. Then I came across an academic website explaining why such an idea is a mere Western appropriation of the religion of the Tao. I couldn't label myself with something that was made up by westerners and had a very different meaning for Chinese Taoists. What I do love about Taoism is that there's a balance to everything. However, while God is sort of implied, there isn't a lot of emphasis on Him. It felt like a disjointed effort of trying to reinvent the wheel.
Unitarian Universalism
I attended several UU services, and I never really felt like there was anything there for me. On paper, it seemed like a possible good match, but in real life, it was more of an organization of do-gooders than a spiritual home.
Protestantism
Well, I became a Christian, attended various denomination churches, then brought that Christianity back into Catholicism. I got caught up in the frenzy of Jesus loves me. The services were energetic, and I started to believe that I felt the Holy Spirit moving among us. But what never jived well with me was the idea that God would allow anyone to suffer eternal damnation for a belief. I have always believed that what we do in our life matters more than what we believe, and I could never shake this enough to truly embrace the Protestant version of Christianity.
Orthodox Christianity
There was a bit of wishing for the olden days of Catholicism when I became interested in Orthodoxy. I felt that the Orthodox churches did a better job of maintaining the ancient mysticism and ritual and sacredness of Mass than did Catholicism. However, I guess I just never felt a strong enough pull to make the jump. When I actually believed Christianity, the Catholic apologetics for the papacy just seemed to make sense.
Mormonism
I welcomed visits from Mormon missionaries for a couple of months. Visited the local Mormon church. Watched some videos on Mormonism. I liked the way they seemed committed to their faith, the tight-knit community they seemed to have. But the theology always felt far-fetched, and a prohibition of alcohol was a turn-off for me. Not because I drink regularly or anything, but just because I hate being categorically told no to something that I do not see as an inherent threat. My interest was short-lived, though I waited a bit to see if it would come back before completely bowing out of missionary visits.
Amish
Speaking of tight-knit communities, I was a little obsessed with the Amish for a time. I had read that there have been a handful of outsiders converting to the faith, but I really knew it was never going to happen since I was already married and being Amish is not something one spouse can be while the other does something else. The back-to-basics lifestyle really appealed to me. Being closer to the land, something I am not but wish I were. Modesty, working with one's hands. But after seeing several documentaries on the Amish, I thought it was too much harshness and not enough love. Discipline is very strict, and the worship services seem quite dry and uninspiring.
Hinduism
I never considered Hinduism a valid option until I read that Julia Roberts had converted to Hinduism. I learned that yoga originated with Hinduism and not Buddhism, and again, reincarnation made sense to me. However, the theology just seemed too foreign for me. Even when I tried to look at the different gods allegorically, as I was advised to do, there was too big of a learning curve, and I guess I wasn't motivated enough to pursue it.
Spiritual Independence
Pretty much this is what I really wanted - an anything goes way of life. But when it came down to it, I didn't really want anything to go. I want standards, boundaries, traditions, rituals, community, structure, tried and true practices.
Deism
I toyed with the idea of labeling myself a Deist, and finally did embrace the label, over the course of the most recent year. The theology is so simple - God exists, just look around you! But the problem was that it stopped there. It's not a religion, it's a theology. A very basic, minimalist theology. There's no community or spiritual practice that goes with it. I am still waiting, about two months later, to be accepted into an online deist community. I have chosen to see that delay as a sign from God to give it up and come back home to Catholicism.
Catholicism
Well, I've left it and rejoined it a couple of times now. I left due to my core belief in religious relativism, which I know is a big no-no within Catholicism. Ultimately, I do not believe that there is a universal religious truth. I believe that what is, is going to be experienced differently by different people depending on their circumstances, and that these differences are what leads to the varying religious interpretations of the world. I believe that God is unknowable, so to claim you've got Him figured out is just plain arrogant. And yet, I've searched for alternatives for 20 years now, and I keep coming back to the Catholic tradition. Essentially, what it comes down to is that Catholicism is a tradition for me. It's a spiritual practice. A set of comforting rituals and wise teachings, some of which I disagree with. It's a wealth of beautiful reaching out to God in the form of music and art, and to our fellow human beings in the form of Catholic-run hospitals and schools. Catholicism has a lot to offer, no less than any of the other traditions I visited over the years. But it has one thing more - I have a birthright familiarity with it. It may not be what staunch Catholics want to hear as the reason for me being Catholic (namely, that it'll just have to do), but I've been told by several priests and nuns over the years - God will meet me where I am. So here I am.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Guess Who's Back?
Back again. Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back.... na na na na.... Ok, I couldn't resist quoting an Eminem song, but that's what came to mind when I thought about what to title today's post.
I'm just glad that this blog is subtitled "musings and observations of the spiritual seeker kind", which implies that I am on an ever-changing spiritual journey and the goal of this blog is not to arrive at any specific destination. That's my disclaimer, because I feel sort of annoyed myself about my back and forth to and fro with various faith traditions and interpretations. But without further ado...
I went to an overnight women's retreat as a last ditch effort to see if there was anything salvageable in Catholicism for me. Alas, there is! While I was very aware of how much I differed in my theology and certain social justice issues with the more outspoken Catholics there, I realized that our worldview wasn't all that different. Or at least, that I liked the Catholic worldview and missed being a part of it. I think the turning point for me was when I decided that I wanted to believe. I didn't believe, but I wanted to. And a verse came to mind, "I believe, Lord, help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24). As I listened to the talks with an open mind and heart, I was moved to apply this verse to my life in the form of a prayer.
My deist view of God told me nothing past the creation. And I realized that I might as well be an atheist with a god like that. No, I needed my God to care about me, and I started to remember times in my life where I felt His care personally. I also was able to apply some of the different understandings of god I've learned from eastern traditions, which helped to remind me that God is beyond human understanding, and I'm not dealing with a literal explanation of who God is. Rather, I'm dealing with one way of making sense of something that can never be fully grasped. This gave me permission to look at religion in a new light.
Religion is not contrary to science - at least that's not how I wish to utilize it. Religion is supplemental to science. Deism had science, and I was left feeling disappointed. I'm glad it works for others, but it didn't work for me. That's the other thing, I'm holding fast to my relativist view that there are many ways to God and Truth, and my desire to be religious again, to be Catholic again, is not because I believe it is the one and only way. It's just the one and only way that seems to resonate with my heart.
I now see trinitarianism as an attempt to bridge the gap between strict monotheism and pantheism. On one hand, we have a god who is a cross between a genie and Santa Clause, separate from all that exists, which right away feels inaccurate to me. This is the first time that I'm questioning my own desire for God to be singular, because that would be simple. I used to believe Jews and Muslims had it right precisely because their idea of God didn't muddle the water. But alas! God is NOT simple! God is far more complex than we can ever begin to imagine! My wanting God to be a certain way doesn't make it so!
On the other hand, pantheism is essentially worship of nature. I certainly appreciate the sentiments of the eco movement and finding God's fingerprints in nature, but to say that nature IS God? This also doesn't feel correct to me, because we know existence has a source, something sort of outside of itself.
I think this is what trinitarianism tries to accomplish. On one hand, God is our source, the giver of our life and the moral code by which we are to live in order to be happy. On the other hand, God and all of His creation, us included, are not completely separate. I imagine it's like a pregnant woman. The child in her womb is certainly its own being, and after birth, will grow and develop and learn and separate from mom.... but during pregnancy, mother and child are essentially one-yet-not-one. She came first, but now where she goes, the child goes too. She nourishes the child, and the child does nothing on his own apart from her. My God, why don't more people refer to God as a Mother! This analogy makes so much sense. We are God's children, and we live in a perpetual pregnancy of sorts - separate yet nonetheless united to our Mother-God.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is likewise another analogy. What it tries to convey about who we are and who God is - that we are created by Him yet remain a part of Him - that is the point. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life refusing to benefit from the wisdom of the truth that this analogy wants to communicate to me because I am stuck on the literal interpretation?
I haven't exactly figured out yet how to make my way back to feeling Catholic without the literalness weighing me down, but my confessor at the retreat was so kind, so understanding, and stated that I should receive Holy Communion "as a sign of hope and a promise". I told him what I did and didn't believe in, and this was his advice to me. I have taken it, and this past Sunday I received the Eucharist for the first time in several months (I haven't been counting.).
I'm looking forward to participating in various groups at the church and studying and praying.... because at the end of the day, there is no award for having figured out the truth. There's only the reward of having lived a fulfilling and joyful life, which for me, must include the spiritual and religious aspect.
So, guess who's back? Me. I'm Catholic once again. A revert for the second time, though this time taking a slow and measured approach. A revert nonetheless. Amen.
I'm just glad that this blog is subtitled "musings and observations of the spiritual seeker kind", which implies that I am on an ever-changing spiritual journey and the goal of this blog is not to arrive at any specific destination. That's my disclaimer, because I feel sort of annoyed myself about my back and forth to and fro with various faith traditions and interpretations. But without further ado...
I went to an overnight women's retreat as a last ditch effort to see if there was anything salvageable in Catholicism for me. Alas, there is! While I was very aware of how much I differed in my theology and certain social justice issues with the more outspoken Catholics there, I realized that our worldview wasn't all that different. Or at least, that I liked the Catholic worldview and missed being a part of it. I think the turning point for me was when I decided that I wanted to believe. I didn't believe, but I wanted to. And a verse came to mind, "I believe, Lord, help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24). As I listened to the talks with an open mind and heart, I was moved to apply this verse to my life in the form of a prayer.
My deist view of God told me nothing past the creation. And I realized that I might as well be an atheist with a god like that. No, I needed my God to care about me, and I started to remember times in my life where I felt His care personally. I also was able to apply some of the different understandings of god I've learned from eastern traditions, which helped to remind me that God is beyond human understanding, and I'm not dealing with a literal explanation of who God is. Rather, I'm dealing with one way of making sense of something that can never be fully grasped. This gave me permission to look at religion in a new light.
Religion is not contrary to science - at least that's not how I wish to utilize it. Religion is supplemental to science. Deism had science, and I was left feeling disappointed. I'm glad it works for others, but it didn't work for me. That's the other thing, I'm holding fast to my relativist view that there are many ways to God and Truth, and my desire to be religious again, to be Catholic again, is not because I believe it is the one and only way. It's just the one and only way that seems to resonate with my heart.
I now see trinitarianism as an attempt to bridge the gap between strict monotheism and pantheism. On one hand, we have a god who is a cross between a genie and Santa Clause, separate from all that exists, which right away feels inaccurate to me. This is the first time that I'm questioning my own desire for God to be singular, because that would be simple. I used to believe Jews and Muslims had it right precisely because their idea of God didn't muddle the water. But alas! God is NOT simple! God is far more complex than we can ever begin to imagine! My wanting God to be a certain way doesn't make it so!
On the other hand, pantheism is essentially worship of nature. I certainly appreciate the sentiments of the eco movement and finding God's fingerprints in nature, but to say that nature IS God? This also doesn't feel correct to me, because we know existence has a source, something sort of outside of itself.
I think this is what trinitarianism tries to accomplish. On one hand, God is our source, the giver of our life and the moral code by which we are to live in order to be happy. On the other hand, God and all of His creation, us included, are not completely separate. I imagine it's like a pregnant woman. The child in her womb is certainly its own being, and after birth, will grow and develop and learn and separate from mom.... but during pregnancy, mother and child are essentially one-yet-not-one. She came first, but now where she goes, the child goes too. She nourishes the child, and the child does nothing on his own apart from her. My God, why don't more people refer to God as a Mother! This analogy makes so much sense. We are God's children, and we live in a perpetual pregnancy of sorts - separate yet nonetheless united to our Mother-God.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is likewise another analogy. What it tries to convey about who we are and who God is - that we are created by Him yet remain a part of Him - that is the point. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life refusing to benefit from the wisdom of the truth that this analogy wants to communicate to me because I am stuck on the literal interpretation?
I haven't exactly figured out yet how to make my way back to feeling Catholic without the literalness weighing me down, but my confessor at the retreat was so kind, so understanding, and stated that I should receive Holy Communion "as a sign of hope and a promise". I told him what I did and didn't believe in, and this was his advice to me. I have taken it, and this past Sunday I received the Eucharist for the first time in several months (I haven't been counting.).
I'm looking forward to participating in various groups at the church and studying and praying.... because at the end of the day, there is no award for having figured out the truth. There's only the reward of having lived a fulfilling and joyful life, which for me, must include the spiritual and religious aspect.
So, guess who's back? Me. I'm Catholic once again. A revert for the second time, though this time taking a slow and measured approach. A revert nonetheless. Amen.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Deepening My Spirituality (Instead of Trying to Define It)
I received a request for prayer from a friend yesterday. I waited until today to respond. The reason? My immediate reaction was, "should I tell him I'm a Deist, and thus no longer pray the way he would expect from a fellow Catholic?' But today I was moved to respond, "I'm holding [your request] in the light," the way Quakers lift up prayer requests. It felt right to respond in this way. If he comes back asking for why I used such terminology, I can get into the details then. If he says it sounds like I'm Quaker, I'll say "thanks."
I will be attending an overnight Catholic women's retreat soon. I love retreats, although generally I opt for silent Ignatian retreats, which allow plenty of alone time and time in nature. Not sure this will compare. I'm concerned that I will face my "former Catholicism" head on during this retreat. I already know I will not be participating in their sacrament of reconciliation, and I'll be leaving to come home before their ending Mass begins. I hope I won't have to share much and can just listen for nuggets of God's speaking to me through others, and then reflect alone as much as possible. If asked, I can honestly say that I attend such-and-such Catholic church, because I do. Though it does not mean I am Catholic anymore.
I think one of the most difficult things about this transition is being critically aware of the wording associated with holidays, spirituality, and God. I can no longer just mouth what I'm used to mouthing if it holds no truth to me. And I need to give myself time to come into my own as a Deist (does deist need to be capitalized?!) so that as my daughter grows, I'll be better prepared to navigate her "religious upbringing" with my husband.
The more I think about being a Deist, the more I wonder why I hadn't embraced the term much sooner, as soon as I learned about it. I think I know. It had a lot to do with my need for external validation. But I live in such a pluralistic society that I see now that no matter what one person may validate for me, someone else may very well counter. In other words, I can't please everyone. Nor is that my job.
I hope that as a Deist, I'll be able to go back to celebrating Christmas and Easter without worrying about the Christian overtones... I was really on the fence this past year with both holidays, as I didn't know how to find meaning in them. I think I may revisit some Pagan practices, actually. I spent two years as a Pagan - one actively practicing and the second just sort of waiting for the next phase in my spiritual development. During that time, I came to appreciate nature more, and it was one of the things that attracted me to the religion. That and the feminine divine, but now I see God as a transcendent being, non-person, gender-less, so I don't need a reactionary Deity to counter my patriarchal upbringing's Father God.
The more I think about what it means to me to be a Deist, the more I think, "it's just so simple. So uncomplicated. So pure and minimalist." I'm looking outside my window and catch a glimpse of leaves swaying in the breeze, and I realize that I'm having a "spiritual moment". Here's my religion. I just attended a brief religious service, having merely glanced outside. I look beyond the trees and sit still enough to notice the barely moving clouds in the bright blue sky, and I think, "there's God." And I see the sunshine on my windowsill, and think, "here, too." :)
I love to read. I recently realized that reading "counts" as a hobby (!). And what does Deism encourage? Reading, study, learning. That is one of the main ways to get to know God. (The other is observing nature.) I'm glad I'm done looking, and can now spend my time on deepening my spirituality instead of on trying to define it.
I will be attending an overnight Catholic women's retreat soon. I love retreats, although generally I opt for silent Ignatian retreats, which allow plenty of alone time and time in nature. Not sure this will compare. I'm concerned that I will face my "former Catholicism" head on during this retreat. I already know I will not be participating in their sacrament of reconciliation, and I'll be leaving to come home before their ending Mass begins. I hope I won't have to share much and can just listen for nuggets of God's speaking to me through others, and then reflect alone as much as possible. If asked, I can honestly say that I attend such-and-such Catholic church, because I do. Though it does not mean I am Catholic anymore.
I think one of the most difficult things about this transition is being critically aware of the wording associated with holidays, spirituality, and God. I can no longer just mouth what I'm used to mouthing if it holds no truth to me. And I need to give myself time to come into my own as a Deist (does deist need to be capitalized?!) so that as my daughter grows, I'll be better prepared to navigate her "religious upbringing" with my husband.
The more I think about being a Deist, the more I wonder why I hadn't embraced the term much sooner, as soon as I learned about it. I think I know. It had a lot to do with my need for external validation. But I live in such a pluralistic society that I see now that no matter what one person may validate for me, someone else may very well counter. In other words, I can't please everyone. Nor is that my job.
I hope that as a Deist, I'll be able to go back to celebrating Christmas and Easter without worrying about the Christian overtones... I was really on the fence this past year with both holidays, as I didn't know how to find meaning in them. I think I may revisit some Pagan practices, actually. I spent two years as a Pagan - one actively practicing and the second just sort of waiting for the next phase in my spiritual development. During that time, I came to appreciate nature more, and it was one of the things that attracted me to the religion. That and the feminine divine, but now I see God as a transcendent being, non-person, gender-less, so I don't need a reactionary Deity to counter my patriarchal upbringing's Father God.
The more I think about what it means to me to be a Deist, the more I think, "it's just so simple. So uncomplicated. So pure and minimalist." I'm looking outside my window and catch a glimpse of leaves swaying in the breeze, and I realize that I'm having a "spiritual moment". Here's my religion. I just attended a brief religious service, having merely glanced outside. I look beyond the trees and sit still enough to notice the barely moving clouds in the bright blue sky, and I think, "there's God." And I see the sunshine on my windowsill, and think, "here, too." :)
I love to read. I recently realized that reading "counts" as a hobby (!). And what does Deism encourage? Reading, study, learning. That is one of the main ways to get to know God. (The other is observing nature.) I'm glad I'm done looking, and can now spend my time on deepening my spirituality instead of on trying to define it.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Us and Them Implied in Religious Affiliation
I've been giving some more thought to the idea of officially becoming a Quaker, and I think I am right to resist. While I certainly feel at home with Quaker theology, terminology, practice, and social teaching, "joining" the Religious Society of Friends would create a false dichotomy in my view of the world. The fact that there is a formal membership process means there is a divide between those who are convinced of the truth, as seen by Quakers, and those who either are not convinced, have not been exposed to it, or simply do not wish to make that final jump into membership for whatever reason.
Knowing myself, I would allow the Quaker label to carry the heavy lifting for me. I would expect - to some degree - to ride on the coattails of Quakers who have gone before me. I would outsource the heavy lifting of wrestling with ultimate questions such as the meaning of my life to what has already been said about it by other Quakers, just because I assume that we would be in agreement.
When I thought philosophical Taoism was a valid option for me, one of the very things that appealed to me was that it wasn't about membership, but rather a simple realization that one was already a Taoist. Except that this is a Western interpretation of an ancient Chinese religion, a watering down of a tradition that is not part of my European heritage.
Certainly, both Taoism and Quakerism can inform my moral judgment and approach to daily living. But resisting the urge to take on one or the other as a religious affiliation means that I can continue to benefit from the wisdom of both... and the many other traditions in the world.
I think it is my white privilege showing through when I feel I should be able to associate myself with a tradition based on partial commonality that it and I share. I think this even applies to the label of Catholic. I had previously discussed how Catholicism is a birthright religious tradition for me as a Pole. I think that's a fancy way of calling myself a Cultural Catholic, and even if I stand by this being a good enough reason to continue to affiliate myself with the religious tradition of my upbringing, is it being authentic to myself?
If I say, "I am Catholic", what does that bring up in the minds of other people and does it matter to me? Some may assume that I believe certain things about the nature of God and humanity, when in fact I don't. Some may expect me to hold certain political opinions when in fact I do not. Some may think I am riddled with the classic Catholic guilt (something I am actually trying to heal from), or follow certain practices such as abstaining from meat on Fridays (a pre-Vatican II tradition).
If I say, "I am Catholic", observant Catholics will assume that I am one of them and be mortified to find out I am not. Cultural Catholics and non-Catholics may go either way - take me for an observant Catholic or only apply surface definitions to me. No matter whom I'd be talking to, calling myself a Catholic would be sidestepping a bigger question.
If my personal religion calls for me to stand for something, and I am not ashamed to stand for this, then shouldn't my label be representative of that belief, even if it is little known to others?
Maybe that is why I have gone back and forth about calling myself a Deist. I don't expect most people to actually know what that means. Therefore, if I actually label myself a Deist, I expect follow-up questions: "What does that mean? What do you believe? How does being a Deist inform your approach to life?" And maybe I haven't quite worked out all the details there, so I don't want to set myself up to announce to someone that I am a Deist and, when asked what that entails, give them an awkward stare and stutter something about not having figured it out yet.
Surely a Deist who doesn't really know what it means to be a Deist isn't going to be a good representation of Deism. And even though no formal membership is required to call oneself a Deist, I do feel an obligation not to drag a philosophical outlook on life through the mud due to my own ignorance.
Ok, so how would I answer the follow up questions above about being a Deist?
What does that mean?
Deism is a natural religion, meaning that it is based on reason and observation of nature. It simply states that through observing nature and using our reasoning abilities, everyone can determine that God exists. There is no need for revelation to a prophet, sacred scriptures, or blind faith to convince people that God exists. I know God exists because I see his handiwork everywhere in nature.
What do you believe?
I believe that God created the entire known universe, all of nature, including human beings. I also believe that who we are at our core essence is immortal, though I cannot know any more details beyond that. I am comfortable knowing that I come from the Eternal Creator, and that I continue on in some form after my physical death.
How does being a Deist inform your approach to life?
For starters, I believe that God's design in nature is perfect and doesn't need human interpretation or projection of ideas. I don't believe there is a need to judge everything as being "either/or", since everything has its counterpart in nature. This includes issues of morality. I do not believe in abstract categories of good and evil actions. I believe the same action in different circumstances can be either good or bad. Therefore, I do not believe in judging others. (Do I fall short of this? Of course!) My aim is to be like the forces of nature - to go with the flow, be flexible, don't dwell on the past or worry about the future, enjoy the journey, learn to adapt from my surroundings.
I suppose there can be a plethora of further follow up questions, more specific and ones based on presuppositions of the inquirer's own religious assumptions, but I cannot sit at home behind closed doors until I figure out the perfect answer to every foreseeable question. And to be honest, not many people have asked me these questions - ok, no one has ever asked me these questions. Maybe because so far I have hidden behind the label of "Catholic" and allowed people to draw their own conclusions. People assume they know what it means for me to be Catholic, or at least what they think it SHOULD mean, and so there is no need for these questions. But once I come out as a Deist, I have to be prepared to face these questions. And it's OK.
I'm blessed to live in a society where there is freedom of religion. Perhaps the time has come for me to embrace my label, accept what I have known for over a year now, and take my own advice and not worry about the details. If others want to call me Catholic still, fine - cultural, lapsed, or otherwise. Heretic, even? Ok. My ultimate authority comes from the author of the universe, the author of life itself. My source of authority transcends human authority, human revelation, human organization, human interpretation, human limitation. I have no reason to fear mere mortals. All that is at stake is my ego, something that is a temporary illusion anyway, and not my true self.
What remains to be determined - if indeed it actually needs to be determined - is if there should be some sort of announcement that follows to let my circle of friends know where I stand, so there's no awkward assumptions based on past beliefs and practices that I need to correct as they come up. Or, perhaps I should just move on, and address any such awkwardness as it comes. It may be best for me to no longer hide from the truth of my personal religion. To stand up and face my life, not as a fake Catholic but as a real Deist.
Knowing myself, I would allow the Quaker label to carry the heavy lifting for me. I would expect - to some degree - to ride on the coattails of Quakers who have gone before me. I would outsource the heavy lifting of wrestling with ultimate questions such as the meaning of my life to what has already been said about it by other Quakers, just because I assume that we would be in agreement.
When I thought philosophical Taoism was a valid option for me, one of the very things that appealed to me was that it wasn't about membership, but rather a simple realization that one was already a Taoist. Except that this is a Western interpretation of an ancient Chinese religion, a watering down of a tradition that is not part of my European heritage.
Certainly, both Taoism and Quakerism can inform my moral judgment and approach to daily living. But resisting the urge to take on one or the other as a religious affiliation means that I can continue to benefit from the wisdom of both... and the many other traditions in the world.
I think it is my white privilege showing through when I feel I should be able to associate myself with a tradition based on partial commonality that it and I share. I think this even applies to the label of Catholic. I had previously discussed how Catholicism is a birthright religious tradition for me as a Pole. I think that's a fancy way of calling myself a Cultural Catholic, and even if I stand by this being a good enough reason to continue to affiliate myself with the religious tradition of my upbringing, is it being authentic to myself?
If I say, "I am Catholic", what does that bring up in the minds of other people and does it matter to me? Some may assume that I believe certain things about the nature of God and humanity, when in fact I don't. Some may expect me to hold certain political opinions when in fact I do not. Some may think I am riddled with the classic Catholic guilt (something I am actually trying to heal from), or follow certain practices such as abstaining from meat on Fridays (a pre-Vatican II tradition).
If I say, "I am Catholic", observant Catholics will assume that I am one of them and be mortified to find out I am not. Cultural Catholics and non-Catholics may go either way - take me for an observant Catholic or only apply surface definitions to me. No matter whom I'd be talking to, calling myself a Catholic would be sidestepping a bigger question.
If my personal religion calls for me to stand for something, and I am not ashamed to stand for this, then shouldn't my label be representative of that belief, even if it is little known to others?
Maybe that is why I have gone back and forth about calling myself a Deist. I don't expect most people to actually know what that means. Therefore, if I actually label myself a Deist, I expect follow-up questions: "What does that mean? What do you believe? How does being a Deist inform your approach to life?" And maybe I haven't quite worked out all the details there, so I don't want to set myself up to announce to someone that I am a Deist and, when asked what that entails, give them an awkward stare and stutter something about not having figured it out yet.
Surely a Deist who doesn't really know what it means to be a Deist isn't going to be a good representation of Deism. And even though no formal membership is required to call oneself a Deist, I do feel an obligation not to drag a philosophical outlook on life through the mud due to my own ignorance.
Ok, so how would I answer the follow up questions above about being a Deist?
What does that mean?
Deism is a natural religion, meaning that it is based on reason and observation of nature. It simply states that through observing nature and using our reasoning abilities, everyone can determine that God exists. There is no need for revelation to a prophet, sacred scriptures, or blind faith to convince people that God exists. I know God exists because I see his handiwork everywhere in nature.
What do you believe?
I believe that God created the entire known universe, all of nature, including human beings. I also believe that who we are at our core essence is immortal, though I cannot know any more details beyond that. I am comfortable knowing that I come from the Eternal Creator, and that I continue on in some form after my physical death.
How does being a Deist inform your approach to life?
For starters, I believe that God's design in nature is perfect and doesn't need human interpretation or projection of ideas. I don't believe there is a need to judge everything as being "either/or", since everything has its counterpart in nature. This includes issues of morality. I do not believe in abstract categories of good and evil actions. I believe the same action in different circumstances can be either good or bad. Therefore, I do not believe in judging others. (Do I fall short of this? Of course!) My aim is to be like the forces of nature - to go with the flow, be flexible, don't dwell on the past or worry about the future, enjoy the journey, learn to adapt from my surroundings.
I suppose there can be a plethora of further follow up questions, more specific and ones based on presuppositions of the inquirer's own religious assumptions, but I cannot sit at home behind closed doors until I figure out the perfect answer to every foreseeable question. And to be honest, not many people have asked me these questions - ok, no one has ever asked me these questions. Maybe because so far I have hidden behind the label of "Catholic" and allowed people to draw their own conclusions. People assume they know what it means for me to be Catholic, or at least what they think it SHOULD mean, and so there is no need for these questions. But once I come out as a Deist, I have to be prepared to face these questions. And it's OK.
I'm blessed to live in a society where there is freedom of religion. Perhaps the time has come for me to embrace my label, accept what I have known for over a year now, and take my own advice and not worry about the details. If others want to call me Catholic still, fine - cultural, lapsed, or otherwise. Heretic, even? Ok. My ultimate authority comes from the author of the universe, the author of life itself. My source of authority transcends human authority, human revelation, human organization, human interpretation, human limitation. I have no reason to fear mere mortals. All that is at stake is my ego, something that is a temporary illusion anyway, and not my true self.
What remains to be determined - if indeed it actually needs to be determined - is if there should be some sort of announcement that follows to let my circle of friends know where I stand, so there's no awkward assumptions based on past beliefs and practices that I need to correct as they come up. Or, perhaps I should just move on, and address any such awkwardness as it comes. It may be best for me to no longer hide from the truth of my personal religion. To stand up and face my life, not as a fake Catholic but as a real Deist.
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