Friday, November 16, 2012

Much needed girl talk

Yesterday I had a nice, long heart-to-heart talk with my best friend.  In a lot of ways, it was like it’s always been.  I poured my heart out to her, and she listened attentively, embracing me when I couldn’t find the words to fully express what I was feeling.  I told her how much I missed her, and how I know that the only reason I’m sad is because I miss her; I know that she’s no longer in pain, that’s she’s finally completely at peace.

We reminisced a bit about the good ole days.  How she was the one who ushered me into my “adult American” life.  There were almost as many smiles as tears, and quite a few bursts of laughter as well.  I bragged to her about how, in case she didn’t notice, I didn’t crack under pressure at her funeral like I did exactly 7 years earlier, at her wedding.  (Yes, her funeral was held on her wedding anniversary.)  I wanted to remind her of what I said during my wedding toast to her and her husband, but truth be known, even I don’t remember, and no one else understood me through my blubbering muffled by tears of joy!  But this time, I told her, I made up for that embarrassment.  This time, I only had to pause once to catch my tears, and the rest of the time I spoke relatively well.  Her mom even used the word “eloquently”.

It was mostly a conversation between two old friends, but I did have to give a shout-out here and there to the Lord.  I thanked Him for sending Rachel into my life and keeping her there for 17 years – exactly half of my life.  I reminded Rachel of what she told me when we lost our first two babies just under a year ago – “that’s worse than not having them at all”.  But I told her that I disagreed.  I told her that if I could erase the pain I feel over losing her by never having met her, I wouldn’t do it, because she meant so much to me.

We talked about the crazy adventures we had together, and I thanked her for all the times she was there for me with her wisdom, advice, and understanding.  I apologized for not being as good a friend to her as she was to me, but in my defense (and I told her this), I’m not an angel like she was.  I really think she was here as an angel, and many people who experienced her love would agree.

At any rate, we made a promise to each other.  I asked Rachel to be a mother to my four little angels in heaven, to mother them and show them how to be good little guardian angels for other babies in need of celestial guides.  I also asked her to continue to be an available source of wisdom to me, just as she was when on Earth, just like she was last night.  And finally, I asked her to pray for me to the Lord Our God.  I was very aware of her role in the Communion of Saints last night.  It put a huge smile on my face to know I have a friend rooting for me up there!

In return, I promised that I would keep her memory alive, follow her example of following Jesus, and write our book.  This last one has been hard to promise, and I did hesitate before putting it out there.  But in the end, I realized that writing the book is not the same as publishing or marketing it.  It just needs to be written; what happens after that is in God’s hands, and maybe then she can take over.

At any rate, I also couldn’t help but notice that it had been exactly 5 months since our last nice long talk, the day before she died.  I wondered if this time frame had any special meaning, but I could hear her scolding me for trying to read into things too much, so I let it go.  All I know is that I don’t feel as alone as I have been feeling lately.  I really needed this pow-wow.  Good talk, chica!  Good talk :-)

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