I was once reprimanded for using the term “childfree”
instead of “childless” to refer to my situation in life. Apparently, among certain conservative Catholics, there was way too much emphasis
on the positive aspects of life without the responsibility of parenting in the
former term. Instead, I was expected to
suffer in silence, focusing on my poor, miserable lot in life by using the
latter term. (Do note the sarcasm.)
I mockingly apologized for wanting to find the silver lining
in circumstances that, well, to be honest, really suck, but I still don’t know which term, if
either, is really the neutral definition of my role in life.
I recently came across a study of childfree-by-choice folks,
where I observed this peculiar question being addressed: “How does a woman
define herself outside of motherhood?”
Indeed, how?
It’s funny that for the 24 years before I got married, I was
quite happy with my self-identity, though it had nothing to do with
motherhood. Even during the three years after
getting married, before we decided to start trying to start a family, I was
content having added the role of “Alex’s wife” to my repertoire but nothing
having to do with parenthood.
Yet now that I’ve gotten it into my head that I want to be a
mom, now that I’ve analyzed
pregnancy and parenting magazines as part of my dissertation research, now that I have a list of
baby names ready to go, now that I’ve managed to plan such aspects of my future
family life as wanting to homeschool and the best ways to raise my kids to be
trilingual, now that I’ve fostered a little girl for nearly a year, now that
I’ve bought and subsequently sold or donated tons of baby gear, now that I’m facing the very real possibility that after all of
that, I may never be a mother anyway, NOW I can’t seem to remember who I was before
I started thinking of becoming a mom.
Two intriguing decisions surfaced for me recently that are helping
me embrace the future, come what may.
First, after some research and discussion, I realized that if my only
chance of having a child was to use a sperm donor, I would rather not have a
child at all; I would rather it be just Alex and me than to risk regret and
social stigma. I say this with no judgment and all
honesty; I would not pursue a child at
all costs. This would be where I draw the
line. It feels great to know that this
is a decision I am consciously making, choosing a life without children over
one possible alternative. This shows me
that there is something more important to me than motherhood, and that’s a
great place for a childless woman to be!
Second, realizing that even if my dream of parenting does
come true, children grow up and move out, and I will inevitably be right where
I am now, wondering about my place in life. So I made up my mind that I have to
make another dream come true, a
dream that has remained unspoken for a long time, without any concrete plans in
place to make it happen, yet something I have long felt would be fulfilling for
me: writing a book. Now, this is not an either/or scenario, but
the awareness of a dream other than having children, a dream that I have a lot
more control over, is encouraging and empowering.
Meanwhile, I remain…. on a
bad day – childless, on a good day – childfree. Every day, for now, complete as a family of two.
Amen! Complete as a family-of-two. Estoy de acuerd contigo. He estado en esa situación antes. Dios nos bendice como familia-de-dos y tras esto definitivamente hay un llamado divino, porque nuestro Dios no hace las cosas chuecas o a medias.
ReplyDeleteUn abrazo!!