(This is the fourth installment in our detailed journey. Start here, or go to Part 2 or Part 3)
The two babies that might have been. |
We were licensed as foster parents in July, the same month
that the match with Becky fell through.
We waited patiently, so I thought, for two months before I got
antsy. I found out that we didn’t have
to limit ourselves to our own county for fostering, and that a neighboring
county was in need of foster parents. It sounded too good to be true. We went to their orientation and filled out
paperwork requesting that they transfer our license.
One week later, we got a call from our own county regarding
the possibility of a foster placement.
(Coincidence? I think not.) We were actually given two choices.
One was a sibling set of a one year-old sister and 6 month old brother,
whose parents were expected to lose their parental rights. The other was a 6 month old Latina whose fate was uncertain. None of the previous children we were matched
with before had ever been Hispanic, and this was one of my #1 priorities at the
time. Even though it was a risk, I felt
that again this was a sign, and we opted to foster VV.
It was a long weekend, waiting to hear back from the social
worker to see if another family, also given this same choice, had picked “our”
VV. Maybe I didn’t think fostering all
the way through. I was concerned about
having two kids at once, even though they were likely to be available for
adoption soon. I just wanted a baby in
my home. I didn’t think about the
future, or the fact that this baby may not stay with us.
We picked up our little cherub from an emergency foster care
placement where she had been for about a week.
The first thing we did was drive by my parents’ house to show her
off. It was as if she was ours from the
first moment we saw her. Then we brought
her home and basked in the glory of a baby in the home.
Our first weekend with VV. Alex is holding her up as she explores sand! |
Social worker visits and case meetings ensued. We met VV’s parents and paternal grandmother
at the first meeting. Mom was 16, dad
was 20. They had been married for 2 years. The reason VV was removed sounded like a big
misunderstanding to our ears.
Miscommunication followed by a vindictive phone call. So we braced
ourselves for a nice little babysitting gig and nothing more. But VV would end up staying with us for 10
months.
We thought we had completely moved on to another phase of
our journey when we started fostering in September, so it came as a total
surprise when I got an email from my brother’s girlfriend in mid-December of
2009. She was pregnant, and they wanted
us to adopt the baby. Has there ever
been a bigger sign? Why else would all
the other leads fall through if not so that we could adopt our own nephew? It was the perfect match!
I confirmed with my brother about their intentions, and we
arranged to meet to discuss their reasons and their options. In trying to guard my heart, I suggested that
Alex and I could be the little guy’s legal guardians while they figured out how
to handle the situation. But they were
adamant that adoption was the way to go.
In fact, she gave me a boppy pillow as a gift. We went to prenatal yoga together. Our nephew was due to be born in April.
My mom I think got the most unique announcement to a
firstborn grandchild. My brother and I
met with her at her house. We sat her
down on the sofa, and I proceeded to give her a present, a newborn dress
(ultrasounds suspected a girl) with the tag saying “dla Babci” ("for Grandmother"). As my mom looked at the dress to try to
figure out what was going on, I proceeded to tell her that it looked like Alex
and I were finally going to be parents…. that we were adopting a baby, and that
the baby’s father was my brother. I
think this arrangement was meant to smooth over the announcement that my
brother was unexpectedly expecting a baby with the joyous news of our
long-awaited parenthood.
In February, we met with our attorney to have an adoption
plan drawn up for the hospital. We’ve
never gotten this far before with a lead!
This was it! Except that it wasn’t.
A week after we spent $800 on attorney fees, I got a text message from
my brother saying that his girlfriend had changed her mind. No apology, no further explanation. I was crushed.
I couldn’t just forget about this birthmother like I did the
others. This baby was going to be in my
family no matter what. He would always
be a reminder of our crushed hope, or so I thought. My faith journey had brought me to Christ by
now, and though I was still weak in it, I’m sure it helped me through. In fact, when my brother left for boot camp
and my parents moved, Alex and I took our newborn nephew and his mother into our home.
I'm welcoming home baby Andrew. |
She had been living with my parents for a year, but my
parents were downsizing and she wasn’t able to join my brother until he
graduated boot camp. We were in the
hospital for our nephew Andrew’s birth, along with our foster daughter. That whole time in my life seems like a
blur. I wonder how I could’ve survived
the intense emotions of welcoming a nephew while at the same time trying to
shake the loss of a son.
Just a couple of months earlier, Alex and I met with an
adoption counselor to discuss some of my conflicting emotions. At that meeting, I remember hearing the
counselor rephrase my concerns like this: “On one hand, you may be adopting two
children – your nephew and your foster daughter. That’s so exciting! On the other hand, since neither is a
guarantee, you could lose both children.”
I remember hearing this and dismissing it. There’s no way God would allow us to lose
both children. One or the other, if not both, but we
will be parents this year!
Perhaps God orchestrated the heartaches in such a way that
they would manage to bounce tiny bits of joy off each other. From April to July, we had two children in
our home, neither of them ours. But we
heard the pitter-patter of little feet and we smelled the sweet scent of an
infant. I babysat Andrew only
reluctantly during those months. It was
very hard for me to make sense of our relationship. Having lost hope of being his mother, how
could I settle for being just an aunt?
It wouldn’t be until a year later that I finally fell in love with my
nephew for who he is.
Over the months, it began to be more and more clear that VV
was going to be reunited with one of her parents. At first, we thought it’d be with her
dad. He was very active in meeting with
us, visiting with her, while her mom made no such effort. But then there started to be resistance from
him and his mother when it came time to show proof of child-friendly living
arrangements, sufficient income, and the like.
For a moment, we thought VV’s goal may be changed to adoption (by us,
who else?), since mom showed no interest and dad was resistant, while neither
grandmother was available or willing to do what needed to be done to get VV
back. But then mom began to get more and
more involved.
Once we saw that mom was making a solid effort, jumping
through all the hoops to regain custody of her daughter, in spite of our own
desire to parent her daughter, we knew we had to make the transition back as
easy as possible for everyone involved, especially VV, who was 16 months old
when she left our home.
(Part Five to be continued...)
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