I am trying to pay more attention to my dreams as I begin to discern where Jesus is leading me.
The first dream, I was in our church's chapel. There was a children's rosary going on, they called it the alphabet rosary, and there were pastel-colored tokens all over that supposedly were supposed to help the kids understand the mysteries. At the altar was the monstrance, and behind it was a young man (?) and several others next to him. The youth directly behind the monstrance was wearing a wide, red blindfold. I walked up to him and untied the blindfold.
Red is my favorite color, but also the color of the Holy Spirit and love. The fact that I untied it leads me to believe that I have been blind to Jesus's true presence permeating everything everywhere, and not being held hostage in the tabernacles of Catholic churches. Also, the sense of clutter all around in an attempt to "help" the kids pray the rosary also strikes me as the various additions and elaborations the Catholic church has laid on top of Scriptures, presumably in an effort to clarify and explain the Word of God to the faithful.
The second dream, there was some sort of retreat or even going on. Lots of movement. People gathering for pictures, eating at the table, etc. There were three different people in the dream who were moving around on their hands because their legs were missing. One was a white lady, there was an Asian young man who presumably was the white lady's son, and later a Black man, that I though was a comedian. The Black man was climbing a rope ladder.
Also, I peaked into a church to see a couple getting married. The lady was wearing a dirty white gown and what looked like a red apron or sash. They were exchanging vows into microphones. She was trying to hang up her microphone when she was done, but there wasn't anywhere for her mic to go. She then lifted her dress inappropriately high as she tried to step over the high threshold, exposing the crotch area of her pantyhose.
The three people walking around without legs seem to be telling me these are people operating with only half of what they need. The different races seem to suggest the universality of the Catholic church. Scriptures make up only half of the Catholic faith - the other half is Tradition. It seems that these people represent the Catholic walk in Christ. They do have the Scriptures, but it only makes up half of their faith, and as a result, their walk is wobbly and slow, and unnecessarily difficult to get around.
Then, the bride stepping over the threshold (with her legs) again highlights the importance of legs in this dream. I couldn't see the legs of the three people, and I didn't want to see the top of the legs (the crotch) of the bride. I didn't want to see her stepping away. She tried to speak into the mic but when that frustrated her, she stepped out. In the stepping out, she revealed something unseemly. Is she revealing something problematic about herself, or about the situation she's leaving? Is the act of leaving highlighting the problems I'm realizing about the Catholic church?
It's hard to tell at this point if I want to stay in the Catholic church or if I want to leave, and therefore I don't know if I'm reading into the dreams based on my presuppositions. Would it be easier if I could resolve whatever this crisis of faith is and remain in the Catholic church? Yes. A lot easier. For one, we wouldn't have to look for another faith community, which would include deciding on a denominational affiliation (nondenominational is still a denomination in my book). For another thing, we could continue as planned with my daughter's sacramental preparation (and my son's three years later). Also, I wouldn't have to weigh every religious practice I'm used to and determine whether or not it is unbiblical or rather worse, anti-biblical. Finally, I wouldn't have to worry about convincing my husband to join me on this journey.
But there is something compelling me not to take the easy road this time. There is something tugging on my heart that tells me there really is ultimate Truth, and that I want to find it. Up until now, Truth has been evasive and unknowable as far as I can tell. The idea of non-Christians not being saved really troubles my inner sense of justice. What of the countless people who died before Jesus was born? Before His message could reach them? What about those who have only been exposed to watered down or misguided interpretations of the Gospel, making it completely unappealing? Can God really blame a person for rejecting what they really never knew? Because even hearing "of" Jesus doesn't mean they were really presented with the Gospel as it ought to be presented. And what about those who really were evangelized properly, but their background presents a psychological obstacle to accepting the premises of Christianity? And how much of this worry is just my inner codependent?
I believe in a merciful God. I believe that even at the moment of death (immediately after?) a person can repent. But is this belief what God has revealed in His Word? Should I really worry so much about other people? Of course I want their good, that's the basic command of the Christian. But it has been an impediment to my own faith. If I admit that without accepting Jesus's free gift on the cross, I am lost and remain in my sin, what about those I love who also haven't accepted Jesus? And so I shy away from admitting that this is what the Bible calls me to.
What if I just worry about my side of the street? "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15)
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