In my retreat in daily life a la Ignatius of Loyola, I am currently studying his Principle and Foundation, which summarizes the point of a Christian's life. The bottom line is this: we are created to praise, reverence, and serve God, and everything that exists can either help us to do so or hinder us from doing so. Therefore, we are to be discerning about how we use the things and opportunities in our lives, so that we are continuously moving closer to God, and not turning away from God.
I have begun baby steps in the direction of listening to God's small, still voice this year by answering His call to speak publicly on several occasions about different ways God has worked in my life. Recently, I went through a bit of a faith confusion, thinking that God was calling me out of my Catholic denomination and into a different Christian denomination. Ultimately, I realized what I had previously come to know, but this time I understand it a bit better: all of Christianity is Christ's church. There is only the one Christianity. Church is not a building nor a denomination. However, the different denominations - just like different parishes within denominations - differ in what of the Gospel they focus on. None of it is wrong per se; just one focus resonates more with me than another focus.
And so, I am learning to shed my dependence on denominational affiliation as the guidepost for how to follow Jesus, and use my denominational tradition - much like St. Ignatius states in his Principle and Foundation - to the extent that it brings me closer to God, but not if it starts to interfere with my relationship with God.
Now, I know some Catholics would argue that there is nothing about Catholicism that isn't of God, but I would beg to differ and point to various events in history, both from long ago and even recently, that prove otherwise. Catholicism is not merely a set of dogma. Just like God is not merely the Commandment-Giver. For me, for instance, Eucharistic Adoration became a hindrance to my faith. I tend to be quite literal, and while I know the church does teach the Real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, for me it crossed a line into idolatry.
How? Well, I began to be unable to sense or appreciate God's omnipresence anywhere but in the physical vicinity of a tabernacle. I became confused as I would pass first the chapel and then the main sanctuary in my church, since "Jesus was in two places" there. There were times I felt guilty for wanting to "be still and know that [He is] God" in the little garden outside my church, thinking I ought to be inside the adoration chapel instead. And with my feminist neo-pagan background, it was very difficult to find the right place for Mary in my spiritual life. I longed for Jesus and wanted nothing to take any of my attention or time away from Him. Yes, I know that Mary always points us to Jesus, but I just didn't see the reason for the extra step.
Anyway, I decided to stay. Again. But I am now aware of the dangers of trying to be "a good Catholic". Instead, I am striving to follow Jesus, and not looking to any human being or human institution to define for me what that should look like.
Which brings me to the topic of service. The other thing I realized from my recent trial of faith was that I was being called to "do more". Rather than blaming my church (parish or denomination) for lack of service opportunities, I realized service was entirely my obligation as a follower of Jesus.
I realized that God put on my heart certain issues for a reason, and that there was going to be an element of stretching me past my comfort level. I need to stay open to opportunities to serve God's people. I had a strong interest in the LGBTQ community, but after a recent event I attended, I see this is mostly a matter of the church staying out of secular law and letting civil rights be handled by all the people, not just people in our church. The other issue of course is the judgment that is so common from many Christians quick to point out the speck in their gay or trans neighbor's eye, while ignoring the log drenched in the sweat, tears, and blood of victims of ruthless capitalism that is found in their own eye.
So I can speak out and act according to my conscience in spite of opposition from other Catholics, without letting myself be bullied out of the Catholic church where they'd rather not have to deal with uncomfortable, challenging issues.
Which only means I'm staying Catholic. It does not answer the question - how do I serve God?
My idea of service goes to the saints of social activism, the heroes of missionary work, the role models of perfect selflessness. Perhaps it should, but it also is limiting and debilitating.
As a mother to two young children, I know my first priority is to them. I am not outsourcing their care or education. But I also know that I cannot make their entire upbringing about them, because that is precisely how I will raise adults who believe the world revolves around them. Instead, I want to make sure that when they are grown, they will in turn feel the drive that I feel to serve others as well, and that this desire to follow Jesus by serving others will spread and multiply.
And so this is what I'm trying to figure out as we contemplate making the move into the countryside. We want to find a couple of acres of cleared land near a friendly small town, and learn various skills of self-sufficiency. I see many benefits to making such a transition. Physical and mental health. Stronger values. Useful life skills. An even more close-knit family unit. Drawing closer to God through the beauty of God's creation. Becoming part of a small community where we can learn all about interdependence.
But what about service? Of course, we aren't talking about living isolated in the wilderness; we hope to have neighbors, albeit a nice long stretch of land away from us on either side. But the other thing that comes to mind as I think about small towns in the United States is a lack of ethnic diversity, which up to this point has always been very important to us and still is. What comes with a lack of ethnic diversity is also no immigrants, and with no immigrants, no need for ESL classes or translation services. I'm trying to think - what do small towns generally need, and how can we meet those needs? Well, there's always a need for healthcare, but we are not equipped for this. There's a need for security and policing, but that's not us either. There's education of the children, but we don't do well with other people's kids. There's mechanical and technical services needed, but again, that's not us.
And how would we "plug in" to the causes that are near and dear to us? Immigration, LGBTQ, the environment. It's true, I actually don't know much of anything about small town living. I do know there tends to be a close-knit sense of community, but that comes at a price of homogeneity. If I want people from all different walks of life, then I need the city, not the country. If I want a drive into town to feel like a trip to an international airport, then I need the city, not the country. If I want to hear different languages spoken, see different religions practiced, and different lifestyles all trying to get along, then I need the city, not the country. And yet, I don't want the city life.
What are my gifts that could actually be useful in a small town? What can I teach or write about? What can I plan and organize? How can my talents not lay dormant as we retreat to country living?
The internet comes to mind. I can write online and by way of doing so, "teach". I can vote. I can give to charitable organizations that address the needs of people far away from my future small town home, while I focus my time and talents on local needs. What if God wants me to help small town white people? I know that sounds silly, but I pride myself on rooting for the underdog and in the United States, white people - what with white privilege and everything - are anything but "the underdog." Perhaps the key is actually my pride. Maybe it's time to set aside my pride and go where I am called. Maybe I need to stop letting the secular rhetoric dictate what issues I'm passionate about. Because to God, all people are equally important. Even the privileged ones.
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