I'm almost embarrassed to have to admit that only a few weeks after I thought I was done with my latest faith seeking journey, turns out I was wrong. I have to trust that God is using my innate spiritual curiosity to further hone in on what the meaning of my life ought to be and where I ought to worship and serve Him.
After much deliberating, I realize that I am looking for the following four aspects in a faith community:
1. praise, worship, and reverence for God during weekly communal prayer
2. acceptance of free thinking without shaming, guilt-tripping, or fear-tactics
3. focus on study of both Scripture and the world at large
4. encouragement of personal virtue
In my current Catholic faith community, I feel only the first and fourth of the above are present. Whenever I or even Jesuit Catholic thinkers express an interpretation just off-center from orthodoxy, the more conservative Catholics start with the shaming, guilt-tripping, or (less so) fear tactics. Free thinkers are shamed for daring to think anything other than what has been accepted as orthodox Christian belief and practice for millenia. I had a hard time even bringing myself to realizing on a conscious level my doubts about who Jesus is thought to be because of guilt-tripping present among Christians who say, if Jesus died an unfair death on the cross and it wasn't to save our souls, then he died in vain, and how dare I even suggest such a thing? But what about all the other innocent people who have died over the course of time? Should each of them also be granted a divine following because otherwise they died in vain? I don't think anyone's death or suffering is in vain. God is all-powerful and can bring something good out of the worst of circumstances, even if we cannot perceive it. And while this isn't as prevalent in my Catholic parish, there are plenty of Protestant and Catholic believers who dangle damnation in hell over anyone who dares to question the gospel about Jesus Christ. (Notice I said "about" and not "of". Few Christians are actually interested in the radical self-giving that Jesus proposed.) Catholic: yes - 1 & 4; no - 2 & 3
In my years of spiritual seeking I've come across many different alternatives. The ones that most resonated with me included Deism, Quakers, Unitarian Universalists, and Reform Judaism.
Deism seems very simple and to the point on the surface - it strokes the ego of anyone who prides themself on their intellect (myself being among them). But when it comes down to it, there are two huge black holes in the Deist system. At least for me. 1) God is distant and uninterested in human affairs. I disagree with this whole-heartedly. I believe that God not only created me, but that He loves me and has a plan for my life and is willing to guide me along my path. 2) Even if that wasn't a deal-breaker, there is no communal worship of God by Deists. I have found that I need that sense of belonging. I cannot go rogue and just do my own thing. This is the reason I'm constantly searching. I cannot do like my husband or mom, neither of who actually believes most of the official Catholic teachings, yet they are happy as clams to go to Mass every week and aren't bothered by the disconnect between their actual beliefs and what they are assumed and expected to believe. I need greater integrity than that. Deism: yes - 2 & (sort of) 3; no - 1 & 4
Quakers are likewise nice and simple. Too simple, in fact. Their communal worship is more like a group meditation. There is no praise and worship of God, no official education taking place, nothing other than fellowship with an occasional insight from one of the gathered Friends. In spite of their very good track record in social justice, and the simplicity of their main testimonies of peace, equality, simplicity, community, and environmentalism, Quakers lack two important qualities of communal worship that I crave: 1) an educational component, ideally from Scriptures, applying God's wisdom to everyday life, and 2) a joint praising and worshipping of God in song, music, communal prayer recitations.Quakers: yes - 2 & (sort of )4; no - 1 & 3
Unitarian Universalists sound good on paper. There's a communal worship program with music and Scriptures (at least most of the time, from what I understand). But because they are open to any and all walks of life, there isn't a clear standard of personal piety nor even the general direction of belief. It's a hodgepodge of people who want to be accepted for who they are and don't mind it if others in their group don't actually believe or value the same things they do. I actually do believe in certain standards and I don't mind being held accountable to them. I just don't want to be held accountable in areas I never assented to. UU: yes - 1, 2, & (sort of)3; no - 4
What remains is Reform Judaism. I am very specific here about the flavor of Judaism, because there is a huge difference between the opposite extremes (I'm thinking here of say, Reconstructionist Judaism, which focuses on Jewish culture without God! versus Orthodox Judaism, which is very literal in their upholding of the Torah laws. Neither of these works for me.) Reform Judaism sounds like it focuses on all the right things: serious study of Scripture, with an openness to different interpretations and applications (for instance, circumcision and kosher dietary laws are not required). And because there is a clear, uniformly agreed-upon idea of Who G-d is, there is also a somewhat systematic notion of what this G-d expects of us in terms of personal virtue and social justice and charity. And while I have only ever been to one Jewish religious service and don't have a firm remembrance of it (plus, it was on a college campus, so it was surely a mix of Jewish flavors), from what I've gathered, weekly gathering for communal prayer involves praise and worship of God. Reform Judaism: yes - 1, 2, 3, & 4... I think. I'm going to be interested in confirming this one way or the other. At least knowing what specifically I'm looking for will help me to know if I've found it or not.
But wait! You may say. Reform Judaism is sort of leaving out a pretty important feature, is it not? Where is Jesus in Reform Judaism?
This is the #2 thought process I alluded to above that I couldn't even bring myself to admit that just because there is a creed that I recite every week with other Catholics doesn't actually mean I believe it. The truth is, I wanted to believe what the Catholic church taught about Jesus. I wanted to be as happy as a clam just going along with the whole kit and kaboodle of pre-packaged religious beliefs and practices that I was used to and comfortable with. But one tiny objection kept eating away at me. I wasn't being fully honest with myself or others. I wasn't actually bringing my integral whole self to the altar at Mass. I was checking my doubts, questions, and interpretations at the door, thereby never being fully present in the presence of God. I wasn't fooling God, of course. And I think this is why He has continued to tweak at my heart, hoping that I've learned enough about myself (and Him, and unscrupulous people who would use religion to gain control over others) to start thinking clearly about what He wants from me.
I know, this only points to a disconnect with the Catholic church, not with Christianity as a whole. But the alternatives are Orthodoxy, Mainline Protestants, and Fundamentalists. I have never ascribed to the Fundamentalist idea that God will judge us based on belief but not actions. I believe in a very different God. A loving, merciful God. Orthodoxy was on my short list most recently, when I actually thought that perhaps there was a Christian denomination that was "closest to the truth" (something I had previously believed was impossible to know), but it fell apart when I noticed the discrepancies in the Orthodox teachings on divorce and marriage, as well as celibacy for bishops but not priests, among some others. Realizing the imperfection of Orthodox Christianity, I realized I had no reason to make a lateral move from one imperfect church to another, swapping out one set of problems for another set. Mainline Protestants were vaguely on my short list as well, especially Episcopalians and Evangelical Lutherans, but using my now streamlined number system of what I'm looking for in a religious home community, I would label them accordingly: ECLA & Episcopalians: Yes - 1 & 3; no - 2 & 4. The Orthodox Christians: yes - 1, 3, 4; no - 2. Fundamentalists: yes - 1 & 3; no - 2 & 4.
This still doesn't answer the question: what about Jesus? I love Jesus. I love that He loves me. I love that He died on the cross rather than go back on what He believed to be right and true and good. I love His teachings. I love His example of a virtuous life and a courageous standing up to social injustice. I'm not sure if elevating him to the status of God is actually beneficial to my faith experience.
First of all, I believe in universal salvation. I don't think I have to be Christian to "go to heaven". I once reasoned that nonetheless, it was Jesus who "opened the gates of heaven" for all to be able to now enter, believer or not, when beforehand the gate was simply closed. But the idea of God accepting the innocent suffering of one person for the guilty sin of others doesn't sit right with me, actually. Of course, if Jesus is "the unique Son of God", then it's not a matter of God the Father sending Jesus to die on the cross as it is Jesus willingly volunteering to go. But that still leaves the Father allowing such a thing. He is God, is He not? Surely there could've been another way to get people to do the right thing? Oh, wait. The problem is that even Jesus's death and resurrection (more on that later) didn't lead to all Christian believers always doing the right thing. And curiously, lots of non-Christians are perfectly capable of selfless acts of justice and mercy.
Truth is, there are a lot of presuppositions that one must first accept as a given before even getting to the point of claiming Jesus as Savior. What if, humor me here for a minute, the story of Adam and Eve is not at all about our eternal separation from God. What if, rather, it's an allegorical story of what every human being experiences and why. Namely, we don't trust God to provide all that we want, so we try to do it ourselves, which leads us to experience separation from God. The consequence is the difficult life separate from God, but the mercy of God is in the exile from Eden - we do not eat of the fruit of the tree of life, and so we eventually die and pass into eternal existence back with God. The consequence is that we have to put up with imperfection in this life. In this scenario, there is no need for a sacrificial offering.
Perhaps I can learn more about this from studying Judaism, since Christian theology and Catholic liturgy is largely based on Jewish foundations. Maybe after gaining a better perspective from "within" Judaism, I'll be better able to commit to a continued life as a Catholic Christian? I'm not saying it's not possible. I actually hope something like this will happen because I'm truly tired of the spiritual seeking. But regardless, this is the path I must trod in order to follow God's prompting.
I am daring to trust that God Almighty - whether He is Jesus or not - will forgive my questioning and doubting, and instead appreciate my desire to draw ever closer to Him, with no preconceived notions of how that ought to look. Codependent no more ;)
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