What if Daoism is my treatment plan?

 I have wondered for years about the possibility that I may be "on the autism spectrum".  Finally, this year, I got evaluated and instead of ASD, I was given GAD (generalized anxiety), mild OCD (purely obsessive), and Avoidant Personality Disorder (which I guess explains my preference for not initiating social interactions).  I thought that was that, and that I would be happy knowing that there is, indeed, a psychological explanation for my "weirdness".  

Six months later, and I'm starting to doubt that my eval was the final word.  I'm reminded of how adult females are often misdiagnosed because we present with different symptoms than do our male counterparts or those whose symptoms were obvious enough to have been diagnosed at a young age.

So now I sort of feel like I'm starting to go down the rabbit hole again.  And I realize that this has happened before in another area of my life: religious seeking. I would convince myself that I found "the truth" and that I would convert, only to find some point of contention and abandon the idea. 

Trying to be objective and assess the situation from the perspective of the diagnoses I have been given (assuming they are correct), I wonder if this is my OCD kicking in. It could be argued that the incessant second-guessing and research is the compulsion, while the sense of not having found an identity place to land on is the obsession.  This certainly would explain the situation.  But whether it does or not, the bigger question is: so what?

So what if my current state of unrest (again) is my OCD acting out?  So what if it's not the OCD, but rather my inner autistic insisting on being recognized?  To be perfectly honest, if I were to be diagnosed as autistic, I would undoubtedly have found an identity landing place, a community of people with similar experiences of the world.  What religion could never do for me, the autistic community could.  

Interestingly, the autistic community itself is generally much more accepting of self-diagnosis than I am.  I feel like an intruder, especially considering that I do not have as severe struggles as some on the spectrum.  It's like I'm not "autistic enough".  But an official diagnosis wouldn't change the fact that I still can "pass" as neurotypical.  That feels very ablist to say, but not sure how else to express the sentiment.

Basically, when I search for "the true religion" or "the perfect homeschooling philosophy" or "the correct mental health diagnosis", I'm looking for something or someone outside of myself to tell me that I'm on the right track.  But Daoism would have me say, "so what" that someone else approves or disapproves?  Their opinion does not actually make me right or wrong.  What needs attention in all of this is my obsession with external validation.  And Daoism's concepts of WuWei and Yin Yang address that.

If it turns out that I have been autistic all along, so what?  I won't be taking medication.  I won't be filing for any special accomodations.  Perhaps I could bring this knowledge to the therapist's office, assuming I find a therapist that would know what to do with such a diagnosis.  So far none have.

If it turns out that I am not actually autistic, then so what?  It doesn't take away the way I experience the world.  It doesn't make me less sensitive or perceptive.  It doesn't fix my social anxieties.  It doesn't help with my executive function issues. Those are all still there.

I guess I feel like I can't have those issues unless autism is the reason.  Then I feel ok to have them.  But isn't a diagnosis just a medical label?  And aren't labels often used as excuses?  I do want to be able to just be in the world without needing to qualify why I am the way I am.  And yet, seeking an autism diagnosis does just that - it asks for a way to qualify why I am the way I am.  

Catholic religion, Zen Taoist Spirituality

 I like to say I'm religious.   Perhaps I've mistakenly confounded religion and spirituality.  I like to say I'm spiritual as well.  Until recently, I assumed that spirituality necessarily had to come out of religion.  So since I identify as Catholic by virtue of having been raised with this faith tradition; being most familiar with its rituals, terminology, and practices; and continuting to attend weekly Mass, I assumed that my spirituality must therefore likewise "be Catholic".  And there's nothing wrong with Catholic spirituality, except that it wasn't resonating with me and I couldn't figure out why.  

I recently heard something along these lines for a definition of religion: "The rules someone created for their spirituality, passed on to others who forgoe their own experiences or feel compelled to force them into the descriptions and explanations of the originators of said religion."  Ok, I added everything to the right of the comma.  But I think that's a really good conceptualization of what religion is, exactly.  And as such, it finally allowed me to separate the two in my own life.  I can be religiously Catholic but spiritually... something else entirely.

What I mean by this is that there are aspects of religion that I want to maintain, and there are aspects of spirituality that I'm ready to embrace without them being pre-approved by my religious community.

For instance, I like going to church on Sundays.  I like dressing up, sitting in a beautiful church with a group of other people who presumably also want to a) worship God, b) learn how to be better versions of themselves, or c) both.  I like to sing praise and worship songs, and especially when these are well done and inspiring.  I like to flow with the familiar gestures, postures, and prescriptive prayers, feeling myself a part of a greater body of believers, even if we don't exactly believe the exact same things.  What we do have in common is that we believe in "a higher power", eternal life, and the call to do the next right thing.  That's going to have to be enough for me.  

I like to sit back and hear the Scriptures read and then explained and applied to daily life.  It's like a little workshop, and I am an educational nerd - learning is fun for me, what can I say?  

I like the opportunities to humble myself physically, quiety myself, and take stock of my life and where I need to improve and what I get to be grateful for.  Communion has taken on a different and frankly better meaning for me once I allowed God to no longer be limited to occupying physical space solely within the consecrated host, generally housed in the tabernacle.  Instead of getting that once-per-week chance to "feel God's presence" when receiving holy communion, I now know that I can be in God's presence anywhere, any time I meditate, contemplate (especially nature!), or practice mindfulness. 

Rather, receiving holy communion now is a reminder that I am one out of many in the human family.  My fellow church-goers receive communion just like me.  And communion is a reminder of God's presence, so as I watch others receive (which I do tend to enjoy and it really touches my heart when I see people express reverence before receiving), I remember how God is present in each individual that I see go through the line.  And then we are sent forth at the end of Mass, with the goal to carry this presence of God to others in our lives.

The symbolism is absolutely fantastic.  The only part of Mass that gives me pause is the communal recitation of the Nicene Creed.  But I am willing to overlook it (and figuratively sit it out) to gain the rest of the blessings of the Mass.  

If I'm in a good church, I have religious art to help me think about Jesus, my role model.  When I consider the Stations of the Cross, again I think of the symbolism of each station and how it can apply to my life.  Even just gazing on the crucifix tells me: "this is the price of authenticity: death to the ego". We must die to self in order to live into eternity.

While I'm on religious art, the better images of Mary allow me to think of the maternal aspect of God.  It's not the literal intention of the Madonna.  She's to represent the Church, not God, but I am trying to recover from filial loyalty to the Church.  Instead, I much prefer to think of God as my Mother.  I do not compound Mary with God-the-Father.  I do not believe she is a goddess.  She is merely a symbol of the feminine aspect of God, that's all.

These are the aspects of my religion that I am happy with and have found deeper meaning in and would like to maintain.  (Symbolism extends to holy days as well, by the way.)

But in the last few years, as I attempted to go all in with my faith (and temporarily succeeded), I "got involved" in various church ministries that were meant to build up my faith.  Except that now that I don't believe, I can't seriously continue to sit through small groups or Bible Studies where it is impossible to pretend that I believe what they do, if the goal of such groups is to grow in holiness/authenticity (I like to think the two aspects cannot be separated).  So this is the first step I need to take "away" from my religion and "towards" my spirituality.

I enjoy small groups.  I like getting to know similarly-minded people in a safe environment.  But my Catholic small groups are no longer made up of similarly-minided people because my mind has differentiated itself from the groupthink that is required.  So perhaps I need a meditation group of some sort.  I would like to stick with a spiritually-minded group, because I do want to keep contact with people other than mere secularists/materialsts/atheists.  I feel like an entire realm of my existence and experience is disregarded by such people.  I don't wish to compel them to see the world my way, but I prefer not to spend much time being exposed to their skepticism. 

Another area of spirituality, a rather huge one, actually, is one that I have neglected.  Private practice.  I need to "do spirituality" on my own, every day, and I will notice a) a closer relationship with God, and b) a lessened need to spend extra time in religious circles.

I want to practice:

1. Lectio Divina

2. Nature contemplation

3. Mindfulness in daily tasks

4. Yoga, Tai Chi, QiGong

5. Breathing/Sitting Meditation, chanting

6. Music! Classical and praise and worship and world genres!

7. Poetry writing, journaling

8. Retreats (especially silent! Perhaps self-guided?)

9. Zen practices like Ikebana (Japanese flower arranging), Zen garden, martial art, tea ceremony...

10. Self-improvement education (documentaries, videos, books, etc.)

Even though I've mentioned Zen, I lean much more heavily towards Taoism than Buddhism.  But that's for another day.