I have wondered for years about the possibility that I may be "on the autism spectrum". Finally, this year, I got evaluated and instead of ASD, I was given GAD (generalized anxiety), mild OCD (purely obsessive), and Avoidant Personality Disorder (which I guess explains my preference for not initiating social interactions). I thought that was that, and that I would be happy knowing that there is, indeed, a psychological explanation for my "weirdness".
Six months later, and I'm starting to doubt that my eval was the final word. I'm reminded of how adult females are often misdiagnosed because we present with different symptoms than do our male counterparts or those whose symptoms were obvious enough to have been diagnosed at a young age.
So now I sort of feel like I'm starting to go down the rabbit hole again. And I realize that this has happened before in another area of my life: religious seeking. I would convince myself that I found "the truth" and that I would convert, only to find some point of contention and abandon the idea.
Trying to be objective and assess the situation from the perspective of the diagnoses I have been given (assuming they are correct), I wonder if this is my OCD kicking in. It could be argued that the incessant second-guessing and research is the compulsion, while the sense of not having found an identity place to land on is the obsession. This certainly would explain the situation. But whether it does or not, the bigger question is: so what?
So what if my current state of unrest (again) is my OCD acting out? So what if it's not the OCD, but rather my inner autistic insisting on being recognized? To be perfectly honest, if I were to be diagnosed as autistic, I would undoubtedly have found an identity landing place, a community of people with similar experiences of the world. What religion could never do for me, the autistic community could.
Interestingly, the autistic community itself is generally much more accepting of self-diagnosis than I am. I feel like an intruder, especially considering that I do not have as severe struggles as some on the spectrum. It's like I'm not "autistic enough". But an official diagnosis wouldn't change the fact that I still can "pass" as neurotypical. That feels very ablist to say, but not sure how else to express the sentiment.
Basically, when I search for "the true religion" or "the perfect homeschooling philosophy" or "the correct mental health diagnosis", I'm looking for something or someone outside of myself to tell me that I'm on the right track. But Daoism would have me say, "so what" that someone else approves or disapproves? Their opinion does not actually make me right or wrong. What needs attention in all of this is my obsession with external validation. And Daoism's concepts of WuWei and Yin Yang address that.
If it turns out that I have been autistic all along, so what? I won't be taking medication. I won't be filing for any special accomodations. Perhaps I could bring this knowledge to the therapist's office, assuming I find a therapist that would know what to do with such a diagnosis. So far none have.
If it turns out that I am not actually autistic, then so what? It doesn't take away the way I experience the world. It doesn't make me less sensitive or perceptive. It doesn't fix my social anxieties. It doesn't help with my executive function issues. Those are all still there.
I guess I feel like I can't have those issues unless autism is the reason. Then I feel ok to have them. But isn't a diagnosis just a medical label? And aren't labels often used as excuses? I do want to be able to just be in the world without needing to qualify why I am the way I am. And yet, seeking an autism diagnosis does just that - it asks for a way to qualify why I am the way I am.
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