Autistic Spirituality

 How does my autism affect my spirituality and religiosity?

1. The clear boundaries of the Catholic (and now Orthodox) liturgical service help orient me in a time and place reserved for a sense of worship.  

2. However, my sense of justice does not let me rest knowing that there are things the church I "belong" to teaches that are contrary to what I consider right and just.  (women in leadership, LGBTQ, pro-life)

3. Also, my sense of integrity keeps nagging at me when I try to participate in a church with which I know I do not fully agree even on matters of basic theology.

What is the solution?  Where focus goes, energy flows.  I can keep focusing on how I can't find what I'm looking for, because I keep hoping I can find all I'm looking for in a single place of worship.  Or I can focus on the needs that ARE being met in various avenues.

1. Saturday Vespers at Holy Cross Orthodox church (and for the time being, the Intro to Orthodoxy class and reading the book).  Whatever is beautiful is of God, and this liturgical service is beautiful.  It's colorful murals and vestments, candle-lit, acapella chanting, incense, bells, standing for attention, bowing and crossing self for an embodied sense of participation, feeling comfortable wearing a prayer shawl.

2. Joining a Meditation Sangha to establish a daily ritual of meditation, of going inward to really get in touch with that of God that my soul is a part of, realizing the true nature of who "I" am, and therefore being able to prioritize what matters and visualize what is important to me.

3. Tai Chi - daily practice and monthly class at Full Circle with Shifu Mike.

4. Daily meditation incorporated with Yoga poses.

5. Daily reading of Scripture and Tao Te Ching, journaling

6. Quarterly Overnight Retreats

7. Church with the family where Oscar wants to go.

The Good News is that God is Good All the Time (And to Everyone!)

What is the good news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ?  I have asked this of my Christian friends over and over throughout the years, and their answers have never satisfied me.

First, it seems I have to buy into the idea of some version of total depravity, or even a less extreme world-view that is marred by an acceptance of "original sin".  Once I "realize" that I am just a worthless wretch deserving of hell, THEN here comes the supposed Good News - there's a way out!  Just put your faith in Jesus, and now you no longer have to dwell in your sinfulness.

Except that I have never accepted that I am anything less than a child of God, fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image.  Do I sin?  Yes.  Do I feel guilty when I do sin?  Yes.  Do I dwell on it?  Not really.  Because when I have "tried to be more religious", I have ended up scrupulous about every little thing and focuses all my attention on how I am failing as a human being, leaving myself no room to actually envision a future where I am serving God.  To serve God, one must first see oneself as worthy of such a high calling! 

But let's say that I acquiesce and "admit" to being nothing but a sinner in need of God's mercy and forgiveness (which I do need, of course, but that is not "all" that I am).  The next hurdle of the supposed Gospel was that in spite of being a sinful nobody, not worthy of eternal happiness in the presence of my Maker, God has agreed to accept Jesus's innocent suffering on the cross in place for what would've "rightfully" been my consequence for my sins.  Do I really want to spend eternity with a God who would even entertain the idea of a scapegoat?  Where is the justice in that?  I thought God was just?  Where is the love in that?  I thought God is love?

Even framing the idea of salvation as retaliatory (I know there's a better phrase for this but it escapes me; the idea that we can only be saved if God's wrath is appeased.) from the perspective of the "willingness" of Jesus to "offer" Himself on our behalf, rather than for the Father to "demand" that He do so... is still not the image of an unconditionally loving Creator-God.

Finally, even if I could get past these first two hurdles, the last remains: I cannot possibly bask in the knowledge of being "saved" by a "loving God" if other people are not.  I believe in universal salvation.  I believe God does not create people with whom God does not intend to spend eternity.

Ok, so I've covered what I do not think the good news is.  So what is it?  Universal salvation - that sounds like good news.  But salvation from what?

Comparisons and judgment and guilt. Religion and the bondage of the uphill battle of trying to merit paradise.  When  Eve and Adam ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, sin was born.  The Tao Te Ching says that when morality enters the picture, people start sinning, though that's not the terminology they use.

At any rate, God is good.  All the time!