Why is it so difficult for me to remember God's goodness over the years? Why do I so quickly forget that He has always come through for me? Why do I ever doubt that indeed everything will be ok?
Ever since two of my summer classes were cancelled, I've bemoaned the financial burden this created in our budget plan. I've frantically grasped at various job opportunities, only to have my enthusiasm met with silence. I started to really doubt my own worth as a contributing member of society. After all, if I can't get an interview for a job for which I'm clearly perfect, in spite of having a solid resume and a professional cover letter, then I just don't know what else I can do.
I've entertained the idea of becoming a stay-at-home wife. I thought, this is an actual "thing" that some women do. But as I looked into it, I realized that this may be fine and dandy for financially well-off couples, but not for us. After all, my brilliant intellectual pride resulted in a $50K student loan debt that I do not dare to push off on my husband. I may be new to the biblical ideals of marriage and the duties of wives and husbands, but my conscience tells me that this is MY debt, and unless there is something serious barring my being able to pay it off myself, it remains MY responsibility.
So there I was, realizing that while I may have inadvertently fallen into the role of stay-at-home wife, it was not a place I could remain or feel proud of, a place where I could honestly say that I was serving God's purpose for me. Yet at the same time, I was seemingly unable to get a job. I mean it. I applied for fancy jobs that required my background, education, experience. But I also applied for service jobs that I could've gotten when I was in high school. Absolutely nothing panned out.
Then, to make matters worse, our roommate announced that she was moving out, giving us essentially no notice and no cash for this month's groceries. Interestingly, this forced us to get creative, as we had literally just completed our budget for the month. We had been meaning to sell a few items that have been cluttering up the house, and this was finally the last straw. We went on craigslist and found that there was someone who bought just the item we were looking to sell. A few quick emails shot back and forth, and the next day, the chair-for-cash exchange was made. We were able to get gas, and the rest remains for 2 weeks worth of groceries. Immediately, Alex quoted part of Genesis 22:8, "God will provide."
So now I think I know why I've had to go through this time of frustration and angst. First, I needed to be made aware that "Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God" (Matthew 4:4). Also, Jesus calmed our anxieties by saying: “For this reason, I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?" (Matthew 6:25-26). Essentially, this sort of worry is a sin, as it is symptomatic of a lack of trust in God.
Second, I needed to actually experience the role of housewife to realize that there is a lot more I could be doing around the house to make it a more homey environment. In my attempt to try to reason an acceptance of being a stay-at-home wife, I calculated that it takes about 8-10 hours per week to do all the necessary chores, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. That's it. Knowing this, I see that in the other four workdays, I must have something productive to show for my time as well.
Third, I had to be reminded, again, of God's timing. And here I get to the point. The fall semester is getting organized, and lo and behold, it looks like I will be busy once again come September. Enrollment will likely be up for the fall, so less chances of class cancellation, and my schedule filled up rather quickly. Not only that, but I've also gotten asked to come in for a few days of testing this month. And then, just when I already felt satisfied that our finances would be ok afterall, I get an email from my boss, offering me a part time job at the office, working around my teaching schedule! "Praise the Lord, for He is good!" (Psalm 135:3a) Praise the Lord, indeed!
[Jesus] said to them, “Why are you afraid, you men of little faith?” Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it became perfectly calm.