My senior year of high school, I thought about becoming a nun. I had just read a little book by now Saint Theresa of Kolkata (then and still today known to the world as Mother Theresa). I was young and naive with romanticism about travel, experiencing other cultures, and spending my days in silent contemplation. I had not real idea of what it meant to be a religious sister, much less a missionary abroad. I was certainly confusing that and the life of a contemplative hermit-style nun. Either way, it didn't take long for me to move on to other aspirations after I got discouraged from the idea by my family.
Their reasoning wasn't exactly based on the fact that I had no idea what I was talking about. Rather, it was based on the fact that they didn't want me to live a life of poverty. My grandmother, I remember, mentioned, that if I were a boy and expressed an interest in the priesthood, that'd be different. There were clearly stereotypes about what the various religious lifestyles entail.
In the end, I wasn't being called to the religious life, but I can't really say that I actually discerned this. Rather, in retrospect, after having actually learned more about what it takes to live out such a vocation, I see that God knew me better than I knew myself.
In a nutshell, if I'm being honest, what I wanted was to live free of charge on an eternal spiritual retreat. I have since learned that a) you can't enter a religious order with debt, b) they put you to work, and it may not be what you want to be doing, c) the hours of prayer and contemplation come at the price of sleep and free time; they are not in lieu of the full time work that is expected, and finally, d) that entering a religious order is a calling, not a decision.
This last one actually applies to married life as well, but sadly no one seems to discern if they are called to married life. They just sort of assume that they are, unless something nudges them to the contrary. And that's a shame. Alex and I recently became mentors to engaged couples wishing to be married in the Catholic church. Our first couple has been together for a decade, has lived together for most of that time, and have three kids together. It's probably a bit late in their circumstances to be discerning if married life is what they're being called to.
So with that in mind, I want to raise my kids to keep their options truly open. I don't want them to assume anything. We don't know yet to which vocation God will call them. We want them to stay open to all the possibilities, and this is reflected in our family standards regarding dating. I know first hand how easy it is to "fall in love" as a teenager and then be unable to imagine a life without the significant other. By then it's too late to start considering if God is even calling you to married life or not. I can't imagine having to break up with a steady boyfriend because "it's time to discern" a vocation. Instead, we will discuss the different vocations (religious life, single life, married life) as they're growing up, and allow group dating but no serious steady relationships before age 18.
I got off easy. I used to "blame" my family for discouraging me from pursuing a religious vocation, but now I realize that, had I actually discerned it seriously, I probably would have come to the same conclusion. But you see, then the realization would've been my own, and I would've owned it. I would have been able to know without a doubt that this is what God wants for my life. Instead, I sort of cowered with my metaphorical tail between my legs, playing the victim to my family's lack of support.
Last year at a retreat I met a woman who spoke of the mixed blessing it was to have a daughter join a religious order. Until that moment, I hadn't actually considered it from the parents' perspective. But it didn't change my determination to be sure I give equal opportunity to all the vocations for my kids. After all, married life - even single life - doesn't guarantee that my kids will live close by after they're grown. My daughter, at 4.75 years old, may swear up and down that she always wants to live with me, and I always tell her she's welcome to it, but I can't hold her to it. I may envision a happy multi-generational household like the one I grew up in in Poland, but it is not up to me.
I have grown a lot since considering religious life over twenty years ago. Chief among the maturation process is the understanding of discernment.
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