So I have been living under a rock. I mean, I "knew" about the previous sex abuse scandal in the Catholic church, but I never took any time to learn any details about it. As recently as last month, I assured fellow Catholics that no one threatens to leave the country when scandal breaks out at the White House or among the police, because we know the country is built on something greater than the individuals that disappoint us. I didn't think it was any different with church membership. But you know what, that's a little like comparing apples and oranges. It's nowhere near as feasible for most people to migrate to a foreign country as it is for them to choose a different church to go to.
I also engaged in a little bit of "blame the victim" mentality, or rather, blame the victims' parents. I thought - where were the parents of the kids being abused? Why did they trust clergy to be alone with their children? I've never been an altar server, nor have I ever attended vacation bible school. I didn't meet many priests personally until recently. So this is foreign territory for me. But my daughter has now experienced her first vacation bible school. I remember writing in my first letter to her that I support whatever path she may follow in life, consecrated religious life included. I thought about the possibility of my son being a priest someday since before I had confirmation that I was pregnant with him. Today, I have to say that I would be very cautious about the idea, and I don't know that I'll actively encourage my kids to discern this possibility anymore.
And in a much more pressing, immediate scenario... Confession. We may need to seek out the old screened confessional booths again to maintain some level of security and safety. I love and trust our current pastor, but the sad truth is that these clerical criminals have tainted the reputation of all the clergy. Their victims and their victims' parents also trusted them. So my feelings of trust are no consolation anymore.
It is a sad day when I feel I have to take it upon myself to put into effect safety mechanisms to protect my family from the leaders of my church. It shouldn't be like that. The church is not supposed to be just another secular organization. Yet, I don't see how I can see it as anything other than anymore.
Jesus said to Peter in Matthew 16:18 "upon this rock I will build My church; and the gates of Hades will not overpower it." So I'm left with a few thoughts on this. One - I believe that Jesus meant to establish a church based on the leadership of Peter. Two - I believe Satan has been attacking Christ's church and this is a renewed effort. Three - I don't believe Jesus started an organization, so I don't think it is necessary to think of His Church in terms of a hierarchy. I believe it is more appropriate to think of the fellowship of all believers as Christ's church. I don't feel bound by loyalty to the Pope anymore. The Pope has failed me. He has failed his calling to lead his flock. But his failure does not negate the value of the church. I just have to reassess how I define "church".
But there's a much bigger obstacle to my "leaving" Catholicism. Ironically, it's an obstacle many converts to Catholicism struggle with before finally embracing the faith: the Eucharist. But there is no denying Christ's words in the 6th chapter of the gospel of John, verses 35-66. I'm finding myself on a mission of interpretation. Because let's be honest. If I were to not believe in the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, then I would see no reason to remain a Catholic.
The current scandal is merely forcing the issue because I'm having a hard time believing in anything - having faith in anything - coming from the same hierarchy that has shown itself to be completely unconcerned with its mission and calling. If they don't take their position seriously, how can we, the laity?
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