In a previous post, I outlined the reasons why I decided against affiliating myself with various world religions/world-views. I am reconsidering one angle after months of deconstructing and considering what it's like to live life according to the secular map, which I am finding uninspiring.
The first thing that had to happen on my deconstruction journey was that I had to give myself permission to question everything without fear of wrath from God. Once I did, I was able to be honest about which beliefs I... well, believed or at least wanted to believe even if the evidence, strictly speaking, was lacking.
The second thing I did was give myself permission to take what I like and leave the rest. I had to acknowledge that there is no such thing as a panacea religion, and that if being religiously affiliated was important to me, I would have to take it with a grain of salt. The only question that remained was which grains to take and which were not worth the hassle.
The third thing I did was try on different world views. In other words, I followed the thought experiment process of seeing how I would feel in a life where I believed in different scenarios. The most prevalent of these recently has been the secular world-view, even if spiritualized by Buddhist or Daoist philosophy.
Then I had to consider what sort of life I wanted to live. Did I want to take Neo's red pill at all costs? Or was leading a joyful, peaceful, content life more important than any supposedly "objective reality"? I decided that no one, not even scientists or atheistic philosophers have a monopoly on what is TRULY true in the end. I began to consider that maybe there are multiple truths that manifest based on the believer's state of mind? Light and matter are simultaneously both waves and particles, and this is hard-core science!
I miss "being" religious, "doing" spiritual things, orienting my life towards an omnicient and omnipresent and omnibenevolent Creator-Source. I realized there was an element of not wanting to be "duped" by religionists. I wanted to stake my life on something I had no doubt in, and traditional Christianity was wanting in many ways.
But then I remembered that I had recently decided to "stay" Catholic even if I no longer believed in the teachings or principles, if for no other reason than that I grew up with it and so it was familiar and thus comforting, if largely uninspiring. If I could make such compromises towards the default of "staying Catholic", perhaps there was a chance I could do likewise towards something only slightly outside of my comfort zone and yet hugely beautiful and inspiring. I assumed I would not be allowed to convert to Orthodoxy if I did not literally believe in the Christian message the way tradition teaches it. I still don't know the answer to that. But I've decided to find out, at least. I've decided to come at it not from the perspective of a "cafeteria Catholic" but rather from a "Chrisitan mystic" perspective. After all, how I view the Christian themes is not exactly unique to me.
Maybe if I put myself out there, Fr. Joshua will be able to appreciate where I'm coming from, between being autistic and desiring a much deeper and more mystical interpretation of the faith that literal understandings only stand in the way of for me. I do believe in the historical Jesus, so that's got to count for something!
There was one question that hadn't been addressed during my previous Intro to Orthodoxy classes (probably in part bc I wasn't able to attend all of them), and that was the issue of why worship Christ? But you know what, with the benefit of my deconstruction journey, which included reinterpreting not only "who" God is, but even "what" God actually is, and seeing the Trinity as a Christian koan, I see the light at the end of that conundrum. I no longer have a knee-jerk reaction of "but- but- that's idolatry!" to the idea of worshipping Christ.
First of all, because I'm vaguely and slowly starting to recognize that I wouldn't be worshipping the historical Jesus but the Christ which Jesus embodied.
And second of all, because I have realized that to "worship" is to reverence, to stand in awe, to give due reverence, and simultaneously to humble onselef by comparison. And I can't argue with that goal. Death of the ego is a universal goal of spirituality and religion, I believe.
What's more, I realize that it may be completely impossible to worship "God" but not Christ, as that would entail separating the two and viewing "God" as "a god" - a mere deity as in ancient Greco-Roman mythology, where "god" is somehow separate and away from me. Rather, I believe as Christianity teaches that in God we live and breathe and have our being - that God permeates our very beeing. How can we "bow down" (what I envision as worship, even if only symbolically) if not in front of something that is not already inside of us? Christ the Logos, by becoming incarnate, allowed Himself to be separated from the rest of humanity in His individuality and historicity, specifically so that we could hang onto this technicality and bow down before God without needing to separate ourselves from God first.
Before continuing, I'd like to revisit some of my previous conflicts with both of these spiritual traditions.
Taoism
a. no belief in personified God. (Turns out there really IS a "God-shaped hole" in my heart!)
b. no clear moral boundaries. (While I certainly appreciate the need to consider context and nuance and I recognize now that most things actually aren't black or white, it is helpful to have moral guardrails if only as a starting point, to help ease decision fatigue.)
c. lack of gathering in my area. (For an introverted autistic, who knew this would actually be something I crave?!)
d. definitely good points but incomplete for my needs.
Eastern Orthodoxy
a. no female priests. (I personally do not want to be a priest, and I do appreciate that the sexes are different and have complimentary roles. I understand that this world-view cannot readily translate in the secular world anymore, but there's no reason that my faith tradition has to be fully reflected in the world at large, nor that it should be.)
b. no LGBTQ inclusion, something I believe Jesus would not approve (their exclusion). (See above. If forced to choose, I would not abandon my loved ones by not attending a same-sex wedding, though I know this would be expected of a "good Orthodox Christian". This would be a matter of discernment and conscience for me, and I'd have to be OK with being at odds with the official teaching of my church in order to gain the other overwhelming benefits.)
c. requirement to stay away from other places of worship. For an omnist universalist, this was a deal-breaker. (It need not be. My priest will not GPS track me. If my conscience allows me to visit other places of worship, why not? Though to be honest, few non-Orthodox places even feel like "worship spaces" in the first place. That's actually WHY I am intrigued by the Orthodox church. Still, I know I will have to formally cease my ties with the Catholic church before converting. This means I must wait until after Antonio's First Communion in 2 years.)
d. their communion is actually not very hygienic, I do not like the idea of using a shared spoon, or being spoon-fed in the first place - Jesus did not use a spoon at the Last Supper. (This is not an entirely fair assessment. The community as a whole is not "not hygienic". The shared spoon practice is a bit off-putting, but then so is drinking from a shared cup in the Catholic tradition, which I generally avoided before COVID anyway. Still, maybe this sense of discomfort is here for a reason, to teach me something about humility, being literally spoon-fed God's truth in a very embodied way. It's a different way of doing it that used to be accomplished in the Catholic church via reception on the tongue, while kneeling at the altar railing. But it's only different - not worse or better. And the trade-off is that REAL Bread is used to represent the REAL Body of Christ, and there is no separation of bread and wine (or body and blood) like is customary in the Catholic Communion.
All in all, my politics and my religion are not one and the same thing, and that is something else that I have to contend with. My religious values and beliefs certainly inform my politics, but they do not dictate them, even now. Perhaps it is absolutely what the proverbial doctor ordered to keep separation of church and state? My universalism frees me from the Protestant evangelicalism that has tainted my view of faith and so I can return to a more private understanding of the purpose of religion in my life.
I want to be Orthodox because I want an embodied faith. I want to worship God with my whole being. I want to be in spaces that feel holy, drinking in the Holy Spirit's presence. I want to belong to a group of others who likewise appreciate such spiritual beauty, and to belong, one must by necessity conform at least to some degree. I must decrease; He must increase. I must let go of some of my intellectualizing and instead embrace the sheer joy and love and peace of the ride. Because ultimately, that is all anyone wants anyway: love, joy, and peace.
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