Trying to Say Goodbye

Since we have to wait three years before taking my Dad's ashes to have him buried with his mother in Poland, even though it's going to be one month the day after tomorrow since he was called home by the Lord, I feel a need to formally say goodbye.

I saw, even lifted, his urn yesterday and said a little prayer at his urn, though it was a strange circumstance, seeing as it was in my mom's house and not at church or a cemetery. 

But tonight, we go to Mass which is being offered for him.  It coincides with my sister's birthday, my maternal grandparents' wedding anniversary, and of course the feast of the Assumption of Mary.  The gracious people at our church reached out to me after I posted a prayer request after his passing.  They included him in the prayer of the faithful the very next Sunday, and they suggested offering tonight's Mass for the repose of his soul.  

What a contrast to what I would've expected growing up in Polish Catholicism.  There, one goes to the church and makes a donation, and in return, a Mass is offered for your loved one.  Here, not a word has been said about financial compensation.  

I noticed tonight that Oscar was also wearing a black shirt.  I've been doing laundry a bit more frequently because I've only been wearing my black tops for nearly a month now.  The standard Polish tradition is to stay in mourning - and in black - for a full year for someone as close as one's parent.  But we are not in Poland, and even my mom has not abided by this merely human tradition.  Mourning is something very personal, carried in one's heart, not on one's sleeve.  

And so I think with tonight's Mass, I'm going to call it my final goodbye, at least state-side, before his formal funeral in Poland in 3 years.  I'm surprised that I miss him, even though it was so hard to connect with him these past 23 years.  I'm surprised that I feel bad for missing him, because not too long ago, I actually prayed that God would take my Dad to stop his deteriorating health and the resulting growing burden on my Mom.  

There wasn't much there in terms of a relationship, but still he clearly held a big part in my life and heart.  It's thanks to him that I live in the US, and therefore it's thanks to him that I met Oscar, and therefore it's thanks to him that I have my two wonderful children.  I wish I could've been closer to him.  

I'm glad that we were on good terms 23 years ago, right before his accident.  I had joined the Army the year prior, making him very proud of me.  And I'm glad that I told him thank you for all he's done for me about a year and a half ago, when he and my mom were at our house for Wigilia. And I'm glad that just this year, I started saying "I love you" to him, and sometimes he'd say it back to me.  

Therefore, I have no regrets.  I did what I could with what I had to work with.  Now, the only left for me to do to continue to honor my father is to pray for him, and be there when he is laid to rest with his beloved Mom.