A Few Random Thoughts: I'm Pregnant, Moving, Reclaiming My Faith

So I am pregnant.  It was interesting that one of the first thoughts I had after learning that the embryo implanted was that this is my third pregnancy.  Up until recently, I kept thinking, do I count my very first, chemical pregnancy?  After all, it was only a week, and had I not been doing fertility treatments, I wouldn't have even thought anything of it, just a very heavy, slightly late period.  And what about the other time when the embryos just didn't implant?  Some people consider pregnancy to start with conception, at least natural pregnancy.  I once had an argument with a lady who claimed a petri dish was pregnant with IVF-conceived kids, until they were transferred into their mother's womb.  I did a lot of eye rolling during that argument. Just because I was aware of there having been a couple of embryos in my womb for 10 days before learning that they didn't implant doesn't mean I was pregnant with them.  Yes, I lost those embryos, but I lost an embryo this last cycle too, in the thawing process.  I was no more pregnant with this one than with the others.  I guess I think of pregnancy as a give-and-take. The kid's got to show an interest and effort in sticking around!

At any rate, I am remaining tentative as I wait for next week's ultrasound to confirm that all is going according to plan.  I've already shared the news with a few close folks, much sooner than I did with our daughter.  I think I'm just more resigned to the alternative, and I feel bad about that.  I desperately wanted each of the first three FETs to work because it meant the difference between being a mom and not being a mom.  This time, I'm a mom no matter what, and I'm not looking forward to doing the whole childbirth and newborn thing again.  But what I am looking forward to is our entire lives after these next two years.  When my kids can bond and grow close and share something neither I nor their dad can give them, and that's a genetic relative and someone who knows what it's like to not know one's genetic ancestors.

I keep feeling bad about not being as excited about this new baby, but if I'm being honest, I didn't bond with Maya either, until a while after birth.  But once I did, oh boy!  She's the center of my universe!  So I know it'll be the same with the new guy.  Of course, I also realize that no child, no person ought to be the center of my universe.  That only if I center my life on God will I experience an authentically rewarding life.  And I'm working on that.

As I become reacquainted with my faith again, I continue to be amazed at how God used this second baby to turn me back to Him.  I still have thoughts of doubt, but I remind myself that my faith isn't cut and dry.  I don't believe verbatim what my religion teaches.  I believe there is truth to be found in it, but I believe it requires discernment.

On a related thought, I've also thought about how I've been guilty of exoticising groups I don't belong to, both cultural and religious.  I'm trying to look at my own religious heritage with fresh eyes, and not as if only other religions can hold my attention.

We close on our house this week.  We start moving this week.  By the end of next month, my parents may already be moving in with us.  Life will never be the same again.  But then again, that's how you know you're living.  Life is not about standing in place, but about change.  That's why it's so important to try to live in the moment.  Appreciate each moment as it comes, but don't place too much importance on it, because it, too, shall eventually pass.  Only God remains the same.  Only the promises we have in Christ.  And I say Christ not from an exclusionary perspective, as in non-Christians don't have access to these promises. That's just the way I am choosing to make sense of the world around me.

What's an Embryo and is it a Person?

I don't think "pre-embryos" are people for the same reason I don't think cake mix is the same as cake. There's all the ingredients, there's potential, but the fact that you still need a proper environment to develop, and that you can freeze embryos but not people (and expect them to survive), means there's a distinct difference between the seed and the seedling.

It needs to actually be clarified that fertility circles misuse the term embryo. Truth be told, I actually do believe real embryos are the tiniest beginning of people. But only when embryo is used correctly to refer to post implantation. Pre implantation, we have a fertilized egg, a morula, finally a blastocyst, depending on number of times cell division has taken place. Mere cell division doesn't turn a fertilized egg into a baby. For that, you need the womb. Only when planted in the lush uterine wall of a woman does a seed stand the chance to grow into a seedling.

Furthermore, the fact that before implantation, a blastocyst can split into two separate blastocysts, possibly resulting in the implantation of both and resulting in identical twins, this should tell us personhood doesn't begin until we are certain only one individual will result. Not only that, but two blasts can also fuse into one, forming a person known as a chamera, or an individual with two sets of DNA. This should prove that a singular unique DNA doesn't equal an individual, as is commonly thought.

This has little implication for the pro-life movement when it comes to abortion, since many women don't seek abortion until they miss their period, which means implantation has already taken place and - according to the above reasoning - there is a tiny baby at stake.  

But this reasoning does have implications for contraception-as-an-abortificant that is cited as one reason against contraception by the Catholic church.  Birth control pills can indeed prevent a fertilized egg from implanting, but if we were to accept implantation as the point of personhood, this should have no bearing. 

This reasoning also has implications for in-vitro fertilization.  Many people who complete their fertility treatment and are left with pre-embryos they do not plan on transferring in hopes of another baby are faced with a dilemma, at least those who believe that life begins at conception.  They don't want to keep the pre-embryos for themselves, either by transferring them or paying storage indefinitely.  But they don't want to destroy them or donate them to science either, since this would be synonymous with murder for those who believe a fertilized egg is a human person.  The third alternative is to allow the pre-embryos to be "adopted" into another family who will transfer them and hope to grow and raise their own baby. Sounds like the perfect solution, right?

Yes and no.  See, while pre-embryos are in the pre-implantation stage, it's one thing.  But once they are implanted and develop into a true embryo and later fetus, there is no going back - there won't be two out of one or one out of two.  However many implantations took place, that's how many babies are growing. And if those babies have DNA from a family other than the one they are being born into and raised by, then issues of identity and medical history and general access to the child's genetic relatives and ethnic heritage become issues.  These are not things that can easily be figured out after the fact, and yet many people don't think about the potential future child's sense of self when choosing fertility treatment options.  I'm not saying third party reproduction should or shouldn't happen.  I'm saying that when it does, the potential child's best interest needs to be paramount, both from the perspective of the donors (that they be willing to be known, at least when child turns 18), and from the parents (that they be open with child about their background and willing to support contact with genetic family).  

I don't expect us to all come to an agreement on when human personhood begins any time soon.  People make rationalizations for killing each other at all stages of growth and development, way past the in-the-womb stage, so there will always be those who simply don't care about the experiences of the in-utero fetus.

A side note, I used to cringe at the term "fetus", as I thought it belittled the humanity of the unborn baby. But I realize now that it's merely a stage of development, just like newborn, infant, toddler.... Interestingly, when I was at a store with my newborn daughter, a teenage girl approached us and with a squealing voice announced, "what a little fetus!"  I was horrified, but in retrospect I see that she clearly wasn't saying that my daughter wasn't a human being!  She was saying that she was so small she could easily still fit in the womb, which was true, as she was born weighing less than 6 pounds!

The Other Two-Week Wait

Ignorance is bliss, yet wisdom comes from experience.  The million dollar question is - would you rather be wise or happy?  I have come to the conclusion that this is the question that Adam and Eve answered incorrectly when they opted to try to know more than they needed to.  But in my case, it's not exactly my "fault" that I know what I know.  The experience of a previous pregnancy loss, however early on, plus the knowledge of what can happen based on all of my online buddies' experiences, keeps my pregnancy bliss at bay.


People who have never had to struggle to get pregnant find it hard to understand why I can't just rejoice, why I have to be so pessimistic.  But I think I'm being realistic.  In reality, the statistics say that not every embryo conceived is born.  There isn't a magical point at which the risk is turned off.  Rather, it's a gradual change over time, with the greatest risk of miscarriage passing with the first trimester.  This is why women are advised to wait until the end of their first trimester before announcing their pregnancy, since at that point their risk of miscarriage drops to below 2%.



In the case of women who used artificial reproductive technology, there are additional questions forming a whirlwind in our minds as we anxiously await that first ultrasound. The first milestone to pass once a pregnancy is confirmed is to eliminate the possibility of a chemical pregnancy.  This is where an embryo burrows itself into the uterine lining but then calls it a day.  The initial hcg level in the blood may be lower than expected or it may be normal.  The second beta blood draw will show that the hcg level has dropped or is not doubling according to plan.

Other times, the embryo burrows and grows just fine, but the location of implantation is such that the baby is unable to grow, develop, and be born.  This is an ectopic pregnancy, or one where the embryo implants in the fallopian tube (most commonly), or anywhere else outside the uterus (on the ovary, in the cervix, or even in a cesarian scar).  The likelihood of bringing a baby to term is almost entirely impossible.  I believe the few instances of it happening have either been due to an initial misdiagnosis or the location of implantation being less than ideal but still such that the baby was able to grow within the womb (as opposed to trying to grow in a fallopian tube).

There are also instances of a blighted ovum, where the blastocyst implants and the placenta grows and secretes the hcg needed to signal the existence of a pregnancy, but upon ultrasound viewing, it becomes evident that there is no embryo inside.Only an ultrasound can establish a) that there is indeed an embryo growing, and b) where the baby is growing.

This is the second milestone that I am currently waiting for.  In a little over a week, I will be able to rest a lot easier knowing that all is well.  Until then, I simply know too much to relax.

Why We're Not Telling Yet, Either Way

There seems to be no pleasing a "PUPO" woman.  (For the uninitiated, "PUPO" stands for "pregnant until/unless proven otherwise", and refers to the two week wait between an embryo transfer [so you know you have a baby in there] to blood test confirmation of pregnancy [when you know if the baby implanted]).

It is hard to try to keep my mind on things other than the elephant in the room, ie. the desire to know whether or not this is going to work, whether or not I'm going to STAY pregnant. So on the one hand, I do find it somewhat hurtful when those close to me, those who know about my condition, do not inquire about my state of mind.  It's a huge deal, and I'd like to see that others think so too!

On the other hand, the incessant inquiries of people wanting to know how things went, especially when we are not ready to reveal the news even if we know it (we do not, yet, by the way) puts me in a very difficult situation.  I don't want to get in the habit of lying, and I feel rude and/or as if I'm giving something away if I say "I don't want to say yet".  But in all honesty, I DON'T want to say anything as soon as we find out the results of our test.

If it's negative, then I'll need time to grieve and process this loss before I'll be ready to talk about it, so I simply won't want to have that conversation with anyone yet.

If it's positive, as I've learned, we are not out of the woods yet, and I don't want to start celebrating by telling everyone I know only to have to untell them if it turns out to be another bust.  Instead, I'd much rather wait until I feel more confident knowing that the baby is likely to stick around before I start sharing.

At the same time, I can't say that I don't want to share too soon "if" it's positive, bc that just means that if I'm not sharing, I'm giving the answer already.  Otherwise, I would've shared the news!

So there's no winning.  The best solution is to limit the number of people who know that you even cycled in the first place.  If no one knows you did anything, they won't ask, and you won't have to figure out how to respond.