Birthright Catholicism Reconstruction

Two and a half months ago, it dawned on my husband and me that our 12yo daughter was struggling with restrictive eating.  Long story short, this experience has tested me as a mother like nothing else has.  I have been unable to use my neurodivergence as an excuse for opting out of this.  If I didn't help my daughter, she would not be helped.  It was as simple as that.  It was a lot to carry, and in spite of the incredible help from ChatGPT (yes, I'm unapologetic about this resource in my tool box) and the fact that my husband can work while I can stay home and homeschool my daughter (Let the record show that she attended a private all girls' school for one term, where she developed the eating disorder.), it was still a lot.  Like I said, long story short, because this is not a post about parenting a child with an eating disorder.  That may come later.  This is a post about a mental crisis that brought me to the edge of a nervous breakdown.

I literally looked up the definition of a nervous breakdown to see if that was what I was experiencing.  It would seem that this would be too strong of an assessment, but why push my luck, right?  It didn't take me long to reflect on the fact that, in the past, when I was faced with a crisis, I felt many things, but never hopelessness or despair.  Now, I wasn't sure I could make it to the other side of the current crisis. The only difference?  In the past, I had a faith world view to hold me up.

So of course I did what anyone accustomed to consulting with ChatGPT does - I asked it to put on the role of contemplative Catholic spiritual director in its response.  I know that it adjusts its tone and responses to whatever I put in.  I've had nearly a year of practice with that.  Now, what I wanted more than anything was to have religious faith again.  Only I couldn't do it.  I couldn't unsee all the deconstruction videos I've watched these past few years that proved to me that the God of the Bible is not one I'm interested in praying to.  

I started thinking about archetypes.  I thought (and not for the first time, mind you, but the first time since having deconverted and deconstructed enough to have some better perspective) that the point of religion need not be factual or intellectual.  Why couldn't I retain my birthright Catholicism as a resource?  Why did it have to be all or nothing - orthodoxy or secularism?  If my daughter's illness has shown me anything, it's the danger of extremist thinking. I've recognized my thought patterns in a lot of her anxieties, and it scared me.  How was I going to talk her down from the proverbial edge if I couldn't let go of my own obsessive thoughts and intrusive compulsions?

How do I reengage with Catholicism on my own terms?  This was what I wanted ChatGPT to help me with.  As I read over the suggestions, of course I've heard it all before.  Especially from my husband, who has never worried much about external validation.  But I was never able to really hear it before. But desperate times call for desperate measures.  And at this point, I was desperate for consolation and hope.  I needed to feel held through this.  I needed to know it was in the hands of a loving Creator who had insights I wasn't yet privvy to.

Contrary to some of the absurd notions of an omnipotent God being the only one "worthy of worship", I actually don't believe God is all-powerful, nor do I believe that makes God any less Divine.  Frankly, God has never actually been "all-powerful".  How many times have I heard the answer to the question, "why does God allow X or Y to happen", and that answer said, "humanity's free will"?  Therefore, God is not free, so that we may be.  I'm going to save the discussion of human free will for another day, because it's irrelevant here.  My only point is that I don't care if God is omnipotent.  I only care that God be omnibenevolent and omniscient.  

And before we get too far, is such a God worthy of worship?  Well, let's pause on the word "worship" for a minute. If by worship we mean "reverence and adoration", then what does omnipotence have to do with it?  I revere and adore nature and my family, and they aren't all-powerful.  But if by "worship" we mean "grovel", which - let's be honest, a lot of Christian and Biblical prayer is just that - then I'll pass.  Groveling at the feet of God neither makes me feel closer or more loved by God, nor is it something I can imagine God even desiring.  Because if God did desire groveling, then God wouldn't be omnibenevolent but rather narcissistic. 

Then I thought about all the indigenous spiritualities and how people have related to the Divine in those world views.  Their gods and goddesses weren't all-powerful, either.  Powerful, yes, but just powerful enough.  More importantly, they were accessible.  Relatable.  In a word - helpful.  The image of an all-powerful war-lord whose good graces I get to stay in so long as I hold to the right belief is utter nonsense.  On that, I categorically agree with the influencers who have shared their deconstruction journeys online.  

But I've never actually believed in such a God.  Really, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have to change very little about what I believe or value in order to reengage with Catholicism as a spiritual practice.  The only thing I have to do is let go of my reliance on external validation, my obsession with "getting it right" (aka religious OCD or scrupulosity) in the form of orthodoxy.  I can do all the same things I did before, believe the same way I've always believed, but the only difference is that I no longer have to feel guilty for any of it!  

And so my reconstruction journey commences.  I won't say "reconversion" because I am not being convinced of anything about the faith.  I believe and disbelieve all the same aspects of the faith, for the most part.  The main change is in the role of the Catholic church in my life: that of advisor, and not dictator.  I no longer accept dogma of any kind.  I'm happy to reference what the church teaches, but I do not exchange it for my own conscience.  Most things in life are too nuanced to have definitive answers. 

How I pray for my daughter to come to this same conclusion in her recovery from restrictive eating and related obsessions and compulsions.  How I pray for her panic attacks to cease and that she find something - or someone - to put her trust in so the fears gripping her may loosen.  And now, having decided to reengage with the Catholicism of my upbringing, I may have the vocabulary and the models needed to do just that myself.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."  These words are gold, because I don't understand this illness not one iota.  It's completely absurd, unreasonable, and infuriating.  There is nothing for me to do but place it at the feet of God and trust that God will know what to do.

Reconstruction Threshold

I have been away from the church for a year and a half now.  In that time, I've attended church a handful of times, but otherwise did not engage in anything resembling "faith-based living".  I've delved deeper into Daoism, meditation (I'm on a 100+ day streak of daily meditating!), and more recently my indigenous Pagan roots.

It occurred to me that as a European, my ancestors also had an indigenous spirituality that was stolen from us by the Christian church when it colonized us, so to speak, about a thousand years ago.  Various aspects of that ancient faith were adopted and "baptised" by the church and handed down as Catholic traditions, while a few others stayed on as mere myth in cultural fables.  But since I do not live in the country of my birth, I have no way of tapping into what seems to be a fringe reigniting of our ancient faith, rodziwiara. 

As I dabbled in "alternative spirituality" via the yoga center I attend for qigong and yoga, I was introduced to a book that was presented as a "bible" of sorts to women's spirituality.  After hearing a podcast episode on it from the "Breaking Down Patriarchy" podcast, I finally decided to get it.  Reading it was tough.  It's all about archetypes, which to me equals "fiction", and I've never been much of a fan of reading fiction.  But since I made the investment, I pressed on reading it.  I'm still in the thick of it, but slowly the ideas started seeping into my psyche.  

The book - Women Who Run with The Wolves - goes through various stories passed down the generations in various cultures and explains the psychological archetypes in them.  One in particular grabbed my attention: Baba Jaga!  Here's a "witch" I grew up reading about and strangely being attracted to (I had a toy Baba Jaga as a child, and I still have a bigger one, hanging on a broom, in my "altar area").  Turns out she was a Slavic Goddess that got deformed by Christianity to represent all things undesirable, and in the process lost her power.

At any rate, point being that I was slowly opened up to how archetypes work.  In the mean time, I started utilizing ChatGPT very regularly for various inner working type projects, and I started plugging in my dreams for analysis.  Again, I was being gifted archetypal explanations and I finally started making the connection - truth does not need to be fact!

Slowly, I started to wonder how one might reinterpret Christian symbolism through the lens of archetypes.  Was it even possible for someone like me, with such rigid black-or-white thinking, to "do religion" in a way that doesn't steal my agency, authenticity, or autonomy?

Soon, I received my answer through a crisis that brought me to my knees.

How to live Independently: Generic

 Living independently involves managing various aspects of daily life and ensuring self-sufficiency. Here’s a comprehensive guide to essential skills and knowledge you should acquire:

### **1. Financial Management**

- **Budgeting:** Create and stick to a budget, track income and expenses, and plan for savings.

- **Banking:** Understand how to use bank accounts, online banking, and manage transactions.

- **Credit Management:** Know how to build and maintain good credit, manage debt, and understand credit reports.

- **Taxes:** Learn the basics of filing taxes, understanding deductions, and using tax software or professional services.

### **2. Home Management**

- **Cooking:** Develop basic cooking skills, meal planning, and grocery shopping.

- **Cleaning:** Learn how to clean different areas of your home, including routine and deep cleaning.

- **Maintenance:** Basic home repairs, such as fixing leaky faucets, changing light bulbs, and handling minor plumbing issues.

- **Organization:** Keep your living space tidy and organized, managing storage and decluttering.

### **3. Health and Wellness**

- **Personal Care:** Establish routines for personal hygiene, grooming, and health maintenance.

- **Healthcare:** Understand how to access medical services, schedule appointments, and manage health insurance.

- **First Aid:** Basic first aid knowledge and how to handle common emergencies.

- **Nutrition and Exercise:** Plan balanced meals and incorporate regular physical activity into your routine.

### **4. Transportation**

- **Driving:** Obtain a driver’s license, understand vehicle maintenance, and navigate routes.

- **Public Transportation:** Learn how to use local transit systems, including buses, trains, and ride-sharing services.

### **5. Legal and Administrative Tasks**

- **Understanding Contracts:** Know how to read and comprehend leases, service agreements, and other contracts.

- **Emergency Preparedness:** Have a plan for emergencies, including contact information, and know how to handle various situations (natural disasters, power outages, etc.).

### **6. Personal Safety and Security**

- **Home Security:** Understand basic home security measures, such as locking doors, using alarm systems, and safeguarding personal information.

- **Online Safety:** Practice safe online behavior, including using strong passwords and recognizing phishing scams.

### **7. Social and Community Engagement**

- **Networking:** Build and maintain relationships with friends, neighbors, and community members.

- **Local Resources:** Familiarize yourself with community services, support networks, and local organizations.

### **8. Life Skills**

- **Time Management:** Develop skills for planning and managing your time effectively.

- **Problem-Solving:** Learn how to approach and resolve various challenges that arise in daily life.

- **Self-Care and Stress Management:** Techniques for managing stress, maintaining mental health, and practicing self-care.

### **9. Cooking and Nutrition**

- **Meal Preparation:** Basic cooking skills, including meal planning, grocery shopping, and understanding nutrition.

- **Food Storage:** Proper storage techniques to avoid spoilage and waste.

### **10. Communication Skills**

- **Effective Communication:** Develop skills for clear and assertive communication, both verbally and in writing.

- **Conflict Resolution:** Techniques for handling disagreements and resolving conflicts in a constructive manner.

Mastering these areas will help you navigate the responsibilities of living independently, giving you the confidence and capability to manage your own household and make informed decisions.

Midlife Crisis?

I recently read about how the term "adulting" is a way to infantilize women.  Then I read a book called "Discovering the Inner Mother" which talked about how we internalize patriarchal values and how these cause us to limit ourselves. This comes on top of the ongoing anxiety I have about my hubby's health and the fear I have surrounding what I would do if God forbit he weren't there to take care of all the things (bringing in income, arranging for bills to be paid, interacting with people for these purposes).  Oh, and there's the international move abroad that we're counting down the days to.

I shared my concerns in several online groups.  One, for neurodivergent homeschoolers, really got me and a lot of insights for futher thought came through.  The first one is this: autism really is a disability.  The reasons I'm doing relatively well in life is because I have various accomodations in place in the form of my husband being in charge of them.  This leaves me the time and mental space to focus on my contributions to the family, which center on educating our children at home.

Perhaps the first thing I have to do is to accept that my normal will not look like the normal of a neurotypical, independent, empowered, 40-something woman whose personality stands in stark opposition to patriarchal expectations.  I will never be that woman.  It's not that I need to try harder.  I simply don't have the capabilities to juggle the number of tasks needed to successfully make it happen all on my own.

I should be grateful, not wallowing in self-pity.  My husband gets me.  He supports me.  He understands me (as much as is possible for an allistic guy to do so).  

Autism is an invisible disability, which is what makes it so darn difficult.  People don't see it, so they don't know to make allowances for what they expect of me.  And then I internalize those unrealistic expectations onto myself and feel badly for who I am.

Here's my plan of action to get out of this rut.

1. Figure out the worth of my contributions to the family and request an "allowance".

2. Use this "allowance" to pay the bills.  Perhaps it makes more sense to set up automatic bill pay, in which case I need to be sure to gather the info I need to do this and then do it.  I cannot let my husband just sign us up for all the bills at our UK destination.  I need to go through doing it myself so I know I can do it again in the future as needed.

3. Look for a marketing person I can partner with who would market my books without me going broke.  I have to be willing to take an initial loss, something I'm comfortable with, say $100, to give a person a chance.  Then a different person if need be.  Reassess strategies if that still isn't working.

4. Make journaling a regular part of my life.  List things I'm grateful for, things I've accomplished each day/week, and one small goal that I'm working towards.

5. Start making videos of my various thoughts, and separating them into more manageable sections, and publishing these in sections to keep the videos short enough to garner interest.  Think how I like to view my videos - they don't need to be fancy visuals, just engaging content.  And shorter is better, as I rarely click on much longer videos, but often end up clicking on multiple videos in a row.

6. Decide once and for all what the meal plan will be.  What are the healthy parameters of our eating habits?  We CANNOT DO ALL THE THINGS!  

7. Meditate.

8. Listen to music/sing/dance.

9. Be in nature (meditate, journal, hike...)

10. Make a list of books to read about autistic women and read them.

Deconversion - check; Deconstruction - in progress

I have been detoxing from my scrupulous religiosity for a good many months now.  

The first thing that happened is I gave myself permission to miss Sunday Mass.  This was big bc I had an almost compulsion to work around that weekly ritual.  Now, having missed a few Sundays, I am able to still attend without it feeling like a must.  My husband and son really still like going, and since it's been a family tradition for us all these years, and we haven't found a replacement yet, I still go.  My son in particular enjoys serving at the altar, and since we have a move coming up where he won't be able to continue serving at the new location, I want to give him the opportunity while we still can.  

The shift in thinking from "Sunday obligation" to "family tradition" has allowed me to still get some spiritual benefit from the liturgy.  I'm not sitting there angry at having to be there, or at having to listen to preaching I disagree with.  Technically I'm not sitting much anyway since we attend an Eastern Rite Catholic church ;) .  Rather, I focus on what I find enjoyable - the beautiful interior, the ability to sing/chant 90 % of the liturgy, watch my son doing something he takes great pride in, and this lets me turn a blind eye to any message that might come across as problematic for my deconverted sense of truth and justice.

Perhaps tied for first place was also my prayer life.  I stopped praying.  It wasn't that difficult.  At the height of my most recent religiosity, I recited the Modeh Ani (Jewish morning prayer) in Hebrew and English upon opening my eyes in the morning.  I recited prescribed prayers in front of our prayer corner, with icon veneration and metanoias (venerations).  For a time, I covered my head with a scarf as well.  Slowly, the practice dwindled to an evening family prayer where we just cuddled together in the dark and prayed.  This is the practice that needed tweaking once I made the conscious decision that I have deconverted.  I had to stop dragging my family through my spiritual quest, as I had been doing and they had graciously come along for the ride.  Besides, gathering together right before bed was a good practice.  It's just that what was said and done during it had to get tweaked.  

We kept a couple of rote prayers we cycle through as a way of continuity, and we sing a favorite hymn or just the Our Father together.  But the focus of this time together has shifted to non-spiritual things.  We go through and say what we are grateful for (which may or may not be seen as spiritual).  Then we say something we like about each other, including ourselves.  This started as a way of strengthening sibling bonds between my oft quarreling kiddos.  We then mention something we're working on ourselves that may need some accountability and/or what we need from each other in the coming days, as a way of encouraging open communication and humility.  

But otherwise, my so-called prayer-life has been getting replaced by a meditation practice.  In the past week or two, I've crossed into prayer during one of them - I do miss having a personal God to talk to, Whom I believe to have my back no matter what.  I hope to eventually land there, but for now, it's still marred by a very religiously dogmatic lens that I don't want to reintroduce into my spiritual life.

Probably the most freeing change as a result of my deconversion has been the process of revisiting my worldview as a whole, and reassessing my politics and ethics without reference to "what the church says".  I have returned to a more liberal political viewpoint, and I had to face head-on the single issue that always prevented me from truly and fully embracing leftist ideology: abortion.  Roe v Wade was just recently overturned, while I was very much still religious and unapologetically Pro-Life.  It was that day that I told my children about abortion.  I had been dreading the topic, but I felt elated when it was overturned.  I wanted to explain to them why I supported some candidates and not others, when the only reason was really their stance on abortion.  But now that I was revisiting the issue, I realized that it's way more complicated than I was led to believe, way more nuanced, and there really isn't a single clear solution to the problem, aside from universal voluntary abstinence which apparently is a no-go for a lot of people who are much more vested in their sexuality than I am.

I remember giving a talk at a women's retreat where I shared that feminism had become a type of religion for me.... Or was it environmentalism?  Either way, I was criticizing myself back then for letting something "other than God" replace my sense of direction in life.  My lifestyle and actions were seen as worshipping ideals other than God, but really, this was only true if "God" were defined as the war-lord of the Hebrew Bible and not the Universal Source and Destiny of Taoism.  To worship the God of Nature - the only God that it makes sense to worship - means to do many of the environmental actions encouraged by "the left".  Starting with not being wasteful.  Valuing natural resources and the contributions of all species to life on our planet.  Dismissing materialistic and convenience-based practices in favor of ones that build life up.  Really, I was becoming more "pro-life" by expanding my acceptance of ALL life, all lives, not just those from a narrow set of issues supported or opposed by the church (abortion, embryonic stem cell research, artificial reproductive technology, capital punishment, euthenasia...).  There were issues of life that never got touched with a ten-foot pole by adamant pro-lifers - the exceedingly high suicide rates among trans and gay youth, the plight of children neglected and abused by religious extremists, sexual harassment and abuse and rape of young women.  Immigration was an issue that was embraced by the Catholic church, but not by Evangelicals, who have warped into the American Nationalist Christianity of MAGA Trumpism.  

At any rate, I realized that if there ever was a disconnect between my religion and my conscience, the problem was not my conscience!  Even though that is precisely what is taught in catechism - that we have to "form" our conscience.  That we don't know what's right or wrong unless we are taught it from an authority wearing vestments at the altar.  Talk about gaslighting!  I am so done with being gaslit from my codependent upbringing in a family of an undifferentiated mass!  I'm supposed to doubt the still, small voice inside of me (in spite of what the Bible says (1 Kings 19:11-13) in favor of trusting external authority?  Based on what evidence?  Their lived experiences were somehow more trustworthy than my own?  Ahh, and there's that pesky word - evidence. 

I realized that I was becoming more scientifically minded.  I wanted to study formal logic and critical thinking.  I wanted to use reason.  And while I do recognize that reason is not actually a perfect guiding light, it beats brainwashing every day of the week.  I kept coming back to this word: nuance.  

Neither religions - any of them - nor the strictly secular, atheistic resources I started to dabble in were actually correct.  Everything in life and in the world is nuanced.  Nothing is actually black or white.  Imagine the blow that had on my autistic brain!

So my deconversion is now complete, but my deconstruction is ongoing.  I no longer believe in the literal dogmas of Christianity - none of their variety, nor the competing monotheistic options of Islam or Judaism.  Now begins the exciting part of figuring out what I DO believe then, and what that means for my spiritual practices, how I share these things with my children, how I make moral choices in life, and the inner dialogue that I carry with me.  See, I was once diagnosed with mild OCD, which may or may not be a valid diagnosis, but it points to the scrupulosity with which I tried my best for decades to "be a good person".  I measured myself using artificial metrics that no one could live up to (Virgin Mother, anyone?).  Was there any wonder that I constantly second-guessed myself?  That I deferred to others even against my better judgment?  That I had a hard time establishing healthy boundaries with my mom?  Religion not only didn't help with my mental health, it made it worse.  Now that I'm free of it, I can start to rebuild my life on what is truly good, beautiful, and well, true.  

 

What is church for?

What is church for?

If for worship of God..... how about nature instead?

If for self-education.... how about documentaries, books, field trips, and community lectures instead? 

If for value-building.... how about social justice pursuits and charitable giving?

If for community.... how about seeking out people with shared values and common interests?  What are those?

I, for one, value global citizenship and environmental stewardship, as well as home education and individual liberty.  I enjoy music, especially singing, but also dancing, drumming, and poetic martial art movement (aka QiGong and Taiji).  I enjoy Eastern spirituality/philosophy as well as Pagan nature/magic.  I love to read and watch documentaries, as well as go on silent or guided retreats in nature.  I enjoy people watching and good food (especially chocolate).  I like to think and write.  I enjoy learning mindfullness through meditation and learning a new skill, like sign language or playing an instrument or painting or knitting or baking.  I want to BE in the world, and be aware of being in the world.  

My faith died a natural death

I am not only deconstructing my faith anymore; I'm officially deconverting.  It's as if a fog has gently been lifting from having surrounded me all my life.  Whenever I wanted to convert to yet another religion, it was when I felt the fog start to lift and desperately clung to anything resembling it - smog, clouds, steam.  But for whatever reason, this time it was different.  This time, my faith simply and gently... passed away.  I knew that what I believed wasn't "true" as in "factual", but I still felt that I could reasonably believe it on a symbolic level.  The faith was still useful to me as a metaphor.  But as time went on, I realized that actually, while it may have been a good transition, it wasn't a place I could permanently reside.  Faith of any level still entailed church attendance and thereby association with a community of believers with whom I did not agree about the ultimate reality of things, nor the resulting set of values that emerge from certain religious beliefs.  Faith meant reciting certain prayers that I felt were not only untrue, but now unhelpful and distracting at best and downright counterproductive at worst.  Most telling of all was that faith was giving my children explanations that I no longer believed in myself.  And that is where I had to draw the line.  I could not - would not - lie to my children.

And so now I'm left with the empty shell of religious observance minus religious faith, and I'm trying to figure out a way to rid myself of the unnecessary remnants.  My husband, bless his heart, has always followed me into whatever church I wanted our family to attend, even though he never fully embraced any organized religious world view.  He simply held his private beliefs and felt no need for external validation by a community of like-minded believers.  He just liked the fellowship.  And now I'm trying to pull him out altogether and I don't know how to proceed.

What's more, after spending the first decade of parenting doing all I could to help my children embrace our Catholic religion, specifically going on a two year journey of church shopping for the most reverent Mass experience in order to surround them with people who "took their faith seriously", I now find myself no longer taking our faith seriously.  I go through the motions because it's familiar, and there are certainly parts I enjoy.  But I feel the need to dechurch a bit, shake off the internalized guilt-inducing sense of "Sunday obligation".  

I know that moving to the UK in a few months will provide a natural transition, so perhaps all I have to do is wait it out.  The Universe has been gracious like this to me before. 

We finally found a reverent, beautiful church that allowed my son to receive Communion without having to wait for an arbitrary age... and New Year's Eve 2023 he impromptu began serving at the altar and hasn't looked back.  He loves it!  And we have enjoyed seeing him bond with other alter servers, most of whom are grown men, in an all-boys type environment.  But the flip side of that is.... now that we're in a church that embraces my son without discriminating against him by age.... we're also in a church that discriminates against my daughter on account of her sex/gender.  Not when it comes to reception of Communion, but still.  

In spite of the reverence and beauty and small community, my daughter is no more a believer than she was at the onset.  And now I've joined her.  She believes certain things - like the existence of God, without details about that, and has theories about life after death, but nothing that requires church or organized religion.  But my son seems to be hooked!  He's recently asked if, when we return from the UK, we can return to this church. Of course, a lot can change in 3 years, I hope.

I've spoken to my husband about finding a Sunday alternative in the UK where we can go as a family and enjoy community with others, some singing, some sort of ritual (my son likes "holding things" and "processions") and making a contribution to the gathering/community (my daughter liked helping to make the Prosphora bread that was then used for Communion during Sunday services).  We alreayd know we won't be going to another Byzentine church in the UK as the nearest one is 4 hours away.  So for now we're letting my son enjoy his time serving at the altar while he can.  

Maybe the whole thing will die a natural death after all through this move.  Maybe we'll find Sunday family nature hikes to be much more replenishing for our souls and our family.  Maybe we'll plug into some other communities, built around common interests and/or values instead of presumed common beliefs. That is my wish for us on this next leg of our journey.