What Makes You an American?

What makes someone an American?  Is it merely American citizenship?  Or is that just a technicality?  What makes anyone associate themselves with a given nation?  I think a given country's culture is what makes that country unique.  This includes history, geography, traditions, food, clothing, religion, music, values, language.

I was born in Poland to Polish citizens.  I'm ethnically Polish (albeit about 75%, per my dna test results!)  I speak Polish and I'm Catholic (which highly correlates with Polishness). On the surface, this makes me Polish.  To boost, I hold dual citizenship, so my European Union passport likewise identifies me as Polish.

But over the years, I've struggled to put my finger on why this simplistic formula just wasn't working for me anymore.  I'm an immigrant, and as such, I'm essentially a cultural transplant.  I started my life on one trajectory, but at age 8, the trajectory of my life changed drastically.  Sadly, it was a much bigger cultural shock than my parents could've prepared me for.  They assumed a Polish-born, Polish-speaking daughter of two Polish-born, Polish-speaking parents would grow up to be - what else? - a Pole (Polka).

Whenever I did anything "Polish", I would be praised for it, in particular by my maternal grandmother.  My letters to her would always be praised, albeit with a grade attached: "You only made X grammatical mistakes, your Polish is still very good!" (Gee, thanks for judging and editing my letters instead of just reading them for pleasure, and for making me feel as though every letter "home" was a test of my Polishness.)

I hate to say it, but even though my parents adopted the United States as their new countr by virtue of moving our little family here (it was just me and my parents when I immigrated here), they never embraced it to the exclusion of our country of origin.  Unbeknownst to them, their Polish daughter was quickly becoming an American teenager, something no expat parent could possibly be prapared for.  I grasped at proverbial straws wherever I could, trying to make sense of the world I was living in, the world I was coming of age in.  My parents weren't able to prepare me for American adulthood - how could they?  They weren't American adults themselves.  Even my dad, who did become a naturalized citizen when I was 14, still only knew what he learned from colleagues and television about American culture and values.

I grew up trying desperately to please my Polish parents/family while at the same time making sense of the often contradictory values I was met with in my American school and among my American peers.  I had no Polish community to fit into, as we settled in an area without a Polish presence.  Now I know that community is crucial.  Humans are social beings.  We must feel that we belong.  One way or another, we will make it so that we feel we are a part of a community, any community.  This is why kids join gangs.  This is why people join cults.  Less extreme, this is why there are cliques, and why sports fans can be each other's mortal enemies.

So where did I belong?  We attended church, but that's just what it was - attendance.  It was not participation.  There was no fellowship.  I never made any friends through our church.  It was in and out, Sunday obligation fulfilled.

My parents worked very hard, so they were very busy.  My younger siblings were born 15 months apart when I was still a "tween", my dad worked overtime or two jobs in addition to a crazy commute, and once my siblings were in school, he and my mom started an alteration business for extra income.

I get that they were concerned about providing for us kids the economic opportunities they didn't think we could've had in Poland.  I cannot know how founded this concern is, because I only know life here.  But money was a big deal.  Making it, saving it, being very selective when it came time to spending it.  The assumption was made that the ticket to a happy life is a certain socio-economic status, and the higher one's formal education, the better one's chances at said status.

I'm a pretty literal person.  I set my sights on something and I'm not easily swayed to reconsider.  And so, having heard from my family that education is crucial, and since I was a pretty good student and - as an introvert - enjoyed studying, I took it upon myself to pursue a doctoral degree as my life's mission.  All because I simply assumed that having a PhD would mean employers would seek me out and offer me work.  It took many years of higher education - five years on top of my Master's Degree - to finally come to terms with the reality.  The truth was, there was nothing magical about a doctoral degree.  There was no guarantee of employment upon defending a dissertation, and even my own college professors were making no more annually than my dad, who did not have a college degree of any kind.

I withdrew from my doctoral program after many sleepless nights, lots of tears, and facing a total loss of identity.  Up until that point, I was the good little Polish daughter who would be "Dr. Karolina".  In fact, when we visited my grandmother and godmother in Poland shortly before I made the decision to quit my PhD program, I received gifts and congratulatory cards on account of the degree I didn't even have!  It was just assumed that I would follow this trajectory.  That was a lot of pressure, because what did I have to fall back on?  Absolutely nothing.

Being done with higher education after 11 years of post-secondary schooling was the beginning of the end of my primary association with the nationality of my birth.  By then, I had changed my name to my mother's because it was typically Polish.  When we became parents several years later, there was never any question I would speak Polish to my kids, but even choosing a baby name included considering if Polish-speakers could spell and pronounce it.  I was going to raise Polish kids.

And then, I started parenting.  And while I do speak Polish to my kids, when it was time to name our second, I was already disillusioned enough with the Polish aspect of my identity to not let that determine what we would name our son.

What was holding me back before?  On some level, I was still trying to please my Polish parents and relatives.  I was still trying to prove that I was Polish enough.  I was still trying to live up to an impossible standard.  I could no more claim 100% Polish identity than I could claim any other nationality.  Except American.  At one point in recent years, I thought I had figured it out.  I wasn't 50/50, I was 100% Polish AND 100% American.  But now I see that this was merely wishful thinking.  The truth is, I AM 100% American.  By virtue of my citizenship.  By virtue of my English fluency.  By virtue of my having served in the US Army.  By virtue of my understanding and appreciation of various (though not all - still learning!) American traditions and passtimes.

But I am no longer any more Polish than other Polish-Americans.  I used to differentiate between Polish-Americans and Polish expats like myself.  I followed my relatives' cues in judging myself to be more Polish than them. I no longer deem my language ability as some sort of secret handshake that gives me the priviledge of Polish idetity.  Nationality is circumstantial.  There is no reason to boast of one's national identity.  No nationality is any better than any other one.  I thought I believed this when I would call myself a global citizen, but really, before I was more like a nomad with no home base.  NOW I can truly call myself a global citizen.  An American, first, but with international ties and interests.

  What makes YOU an American?

How Parenting Has Affected My Faith

I am happy to be returning to this blog with the annoncement that I am, once again, "fully Catholic". That's not to say that there's really such a thing as a "partial Catholic", just that I FEEL Catholic, and that I am actively living a Catholic life, however imperfect, striving for virtue and faith.

It has been a long journey, over two years.  Being given several months of clarity to reflect on what went wrong before being launched into the postpartum period again next month, I've been able to determine what went wrong.  Why did I lose my faith?  What can I do differently this time around?

You see, I pretty much blame postpartum depression/anxiety on my loss of faith.  So as I prepare to give birth to baby #2 next month, I worried that any progress I may have made in the interim may be compromised yet again in the postpartum period.

Prior to the birth of Maya, Alex and I were very involved in our church community, had an active prayer life at home, and had overcome several trials of faith.  Our prayers had been answered with the blessing of our daughter, and it killed me to be feeling anything but eternal gratitude to God.

Here's what I believe contributed to my postpartum depression/anxiety and the resulting loss of faith.

1. Breastfeeding challenges. Within a week of birth, I suffered nipple damage that resulted in a breast infection (mastisis), breast absceses that needed to be drained twice, and a yeast infection, all of which contributed to my limited milk supply and the heart-wrenching decision to supplement with formula.  It took a full two months to resolve our breastfeeding challenges, thanks in huge part to a godsend of a lactation consultant, Angela, and the fact that Maya had a chance to grow a bit, thus resolving the low palate issue that caused the initial nipple damage.

2. Loss of familiar surroundings. Almost as soon as the breastfeeding issues were resolved, we sold our house and moved to be closer to Alex's work.  While this was the best decision for our family without any doubt, it did bring about severe stress.  For one, the house we spent a decade together, the house where I had just given birth to our daughter, was gone.

3. Loss of a support network. We moved out of state, away from what limited support network I would've otherwise had.  I didn't know anyone, friend or relative, and was very isolated home alone with a newborn.  As much as I've wanted and enjoyed being home with our daughter, in retrospect I see that I really needed some sort of social outlet to help normalize the situation.

4.  Neglect of healthy lifestyle.  We resorted to convenience foods, low on the nutritional scale, and certainly didn't think beyond getting sleep whenever possible.  There was no thought of exercise, or hydration, or a social life outside the home, or personal development, or couple-time.  There was only being "on" with full-on care of our baby, or desperately catching some sleep whenever possible.  In my case in particular, sleep is a big necessity.  My body requires 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep to feel fully refreshed.  Needless to say I was not getting any meaningful stretch of uninterrupted sleep, much less the amount my body needs.

The above put me into survival mode.  I was just going from day to day, trying to make sure our daughter was safe, fed, clean, repeat.  I had completely ignored all other aspects of myself, my identity, my life. I avoided leaving the house, including to church, for the first month or so, finally venturing out for Christmas Vigil mass, because I didn't want germs around my precious baby.  So even before we moved, I had distanced myself from the church community that meant so much to me.  Somehow, prayer also got lost in the shuffle.  There's no other way to describe it: I was in survival mode.

I had ridiculously high expectations of myself and what it meant to me to finally be given the opportunity to parent, to be a mother.  That's why our breastfeeding challenges were such a deep blow to me.  I couldn't even articulate the disapointment I felt over having to introduce a bottle on day 6 of Mayas life, of having to feed her factory-produced formula that I couldn't vouch for myself.

This muggy mental state that resulted, primarily from sleep deprivation but also from unrecognized stress factors (the move, social isolation, and already feeling like a failure in motherhood) contributed to the onset of my postpartum depression and anxiety.  It either didn't kick in until after 6 weeks post-partum, or I didn't realize it was already underway until then.  Afterall, I did go to my 2 week and 6 week postpartum visits with my midwife, and they do screen for depression, yet it wasn't flagged at those times.  By the time my 6 month postpartum visit came around, I had been to hell and back mentally.

For four months straight, isolated and sleep deprived, I suffered from horrible visual images of worst-case scenarios popping into my mind throughout the day.  There didn't seem to be any discernible trigger.  If one of our dogs caught my attention, my mind went straight to my baby being attacked by the dog.  If I wanted to go sit out on our balcony with baby on my lap, my mind went straight to accidentally tripping and dropping baby over the banister.  I know parents worry, but this wasn't worry, this was as if I was having flash-backs of horrible things that actually happened.  I imagine post-traumatic stress disorder works in a similar way.  There's no reason for the thoughts, they just creep in and take over any sense of logic.  I stopped watching crime shows with Alex at this time, and the news, thinking that perhaps the violence there is what subconsciously triggers violent thoughts for me.  It's now been over two and a half years since I've been censoring what I view.  (And if you knew me, you'd know how much I enjoyed watching shows like Elementary or NCIS with Alex.)

Presumably because my mind was constantly occupied with violent visuals or subconscious fears of another vision episode catching me off guard, I just went about my daily life on auto-pilot.  Around four months post-partum, I started being able to incorporate housework into my daily life.  I took tons of photos and videos of my precious daugher.  I was very keenly aware of the miracle she was in multiple ways.  My entire life revolved around doing everything I possibly could to give her the best start in life.  I jumped into attachment parenting with both feet first, and only in retrospect have I realized that I completely ignored one of the principles of AP: balance.  I did not seek to balance my daughter's needs with mine at all.

Most of our parenting decisions I continue to stand by, even though outsiders may think they contributed to my sense of overwhelm.  However, I definitely went overboard with a few, and this is where hope enters in.  Having recognized that I did not do Maya any favors by neglecting my own mental health, I intend to be vigilent and proactive about my own mental state with her baby brother.

First of all, I do not have to worry about moving or social isolation this time around, which already gives me a sense of ease.  We are settled into our new house and I've made friends locally.  As for breastfeeding, I cannot predict if we'll also struggle or not, but I know now to immediately seek out a lactation consultant if need be, and we know of one through our church.  We have develped a bit of a sense of community at our new church, and my faith has returned to a good working place. I know that there are a few things I have to keep at the forefront of my mind in order to avoid slipping back into mental chaos.

Daily prayer.
Weekly Mass attendance.
Monthly Confession.
Regular visits with friends (most likely playdates)
Regular alone time while kids enjoy daddy-and-me time (we started this with Maya)
Daily exercise: family walk or yoga while the kids play or dancing with the kids
Weekly one-on-one connection with each child (while Maya is having daddy-and-me time, baby brother is having mommy-and-me time, and vice versa)
Every few months, Alex and I need to find a way to connect just the two of us.  (We don't require frequent date nights, as the past three years have proven.  We are happy to take Maya with us when we go out to eat, and that is always a nice treat with no need to worry about childcare.  Also, car trips usually allow for adult conversations, though lately our little jibber-jabber has been struggling with giving us our own conversation time.)
Annual spiritual retreat.  I don't know if we'll be ready when baby brother is only 8 or 9 months old, as the annual women's retreat through our church is in August.  It will all depend on his sleep and nursing.

Which actually brings me to the Balance aspect of attachment parenting, and how I hope it will contribute to a saner post-partum period and baby/toddler years.  I did not hold anything back when it came to breastfeeding and cosleeping. What's more, I took it upon myself to practice elimination communication, which was great during the daytime, and Alex and I both agree that it was worth the effort (Maya has been diaper-free since 18 months, completely out of pull ups for backup on outings since 2.5, mostly bc we finally got up the courage to trust her.)

I was able to reestablish exclusive breastfeeding for three months before solids entered the picture with Maya, and I wanted to make up for the formula I had to feed her in the first three months of her life.  I still intend to breastfeed on cue, however - especially if we are spared the trauma we went through with Maya - I now know that you can, indeed mix breast with bottle without any dire consequences (something I feared the first time around but was forced to find out was unwarranted), and so perhaps we can have some night feedings done by daddy with pumped milk, and if so, I may very well be able to attend next year's spiritual retreat.

Sleep.  Sweet sleep. I simply cannot provide the same environment to my second baby as I did to my first, as that would involve neglecting my older child.  I cannot be of any use to either of them sleep-deprived, and so I will be more strict in this sense.  I do not adhere to crying it out.  I do not believe in "sleep training" per se.  However, I do now recognize that just because a baby cries doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong.  I simply did not want to hear my daughter cry, and that was a mistake. With my son, I will take a different approach.

For starters, since we saw how successful it was for us to watch our daughter for signs of needing to use the potty, and how that enabled us to keep from teaching her to go in the diaper, then why can't we apply the same approach to sleep?  Basically, we will watch him for signs of sleepiness, and place him in his bassinet to fall asleep there.  I won't make it a habit of letting him fall asleep at the breast every time, even though I know it's only natural that he'll get drowsy nursing.  I won't just drop him off and leave the room, either.  But I want him to learn that sleep is something that he can do on his own, if still in the viscinity of loved ones.  I don't see why I didn't do this with Maya.  I kept a meticulous log of the times she ate, slept, eliminated!  I could've easily looked back to see when I should be encouraging sleep by placing her down instead of letting her get used to falling asleep in our arms, especially at my breast.  I will be keeping a log with baby brother too, so after the first week or two, I will look back to see if a rough "schedule" could be drafted for his sleep times.  (I do shutter at the word "schedule" on one hand, but on the other hand, I know that limits allow freedom, both for me and the kids, so I just need to view it as something we do in moderation, but that we do do.)

And as for elimination communication, we will definitely do it again, but I will definitely not deprive myself of further sleep in order to be putting him on the potty in the middle of the night when he's still peeing multiple times at night!  (I did this with Maya, and had to take a break at 10 months to save my sanity.  Lo and behold, when I returned to it a few months later, I noticed she was able to hold her urine all night, and she actually started staying dry at night before daytime dryness.)  So we will defintiely take him to the potty during the day when at home, but we will definitely not stress about him wearing diapers on outings, and I won't be getting up at night to put him on the potty for the first year. If I'm up anyway, to nurse him or change a diaper, then of course might as well sit him on the potty.  But I need to stop waking up at every little sound and movement my cosleeping baby makes!  If he pees in his diaper at night, so be it.  The trade off is a happier, better rested mama.  I'm sorry, but my Eco-Idol needs to go.  I do now think that sanity is worth a diaper in the landfill (since I'd want disposables at night to minimize discomfort and thus wake-ups; cloth during the day for sure!  I'm not planning on worrying about accidents left and right either by letting him go diaper-free before his skills have been tested.)

So with those three parenting adjustments, the different set of circumstances in our living situation, and my conscious decision to maintain a balance in my own well-being, I hope to keep post-partum depression/anxiety at bay, and by extension, keep my faith growing and going in the right direction.

This post started out being about the state of my faith, but I think the practical analysis will prove to be more helpful in its application.  Bottom line, I do not want to lose my faith again.  I am choosing to remain Catholic.  I am choosing to believe in the fundementals of Catholicism.  I am choosing to focus on those areas of Catholic faith and spirituality that nurture my desire for holiness and virtue.  I am choosing to ignore those areas of faith that create in me any sense of doubt, skepticism, or temptation to "use my intellect or reason".

God exists.  God created me.  God loves me.  Death is a mere transition to a more complete state of being with God.  These things I know and believe with every fiber of my being, and these are the things I want to nurture from a uniquely Catholic perspective, because why not?  Catholicism is my heritage, it's a beautiful religion, and it makes no difference that others may find exactly the same thing in another tradition.  To each their own.  Catholicism is for me.

A Religious Rock and a Spiritual Hard Place

In my search for "the perfect place of worship", I've come to realize that I cannot make peace between my desire for a racially diverse community and, well, all the other things that are important to me.  Racial diversity among religions tends to be the result of a long-standing tradition with missionary work.  

Seventh Day Adventists, Muslims, and Jehovah's Witnesses top the chart of most diverse religions in the US, each having a significant demographic of at least three different heritages (white, Black, Latino; white, Black, Asian; and white, Black, Latino, respectively). Catholicism ranks just a bit below these, right around the general adult US population, but mostly divided between whites and Latinos. As can be expected, the actual demographics of any particular congregation will be determined by the overall diversity of the region of the country. 

And the faiths I find most resonant with my personal belief-system - Quakers and Unitarian Universalists - rank quite low on the diversity scale, both being overwhelmingly white. (The site above doesn't list Quakers, but from other research and my personal experience, I have found this to be true.)

In no particular order, here is a list of characteristics that I would love to find in a spiritual home community.

Racial and ethnic diversity

LGBTQ rights and feminism

Environmentalism

Pro-Life post-implantation

Inclusivity of Freethinkers

Access to religious service while traveling and geographically local

Meaningful ritual

A Sense of community, especially via small groups

Children's program for religious education

Uplifting music

Beautiful art and architecture

Inspiring sermons

Social justice, including racial justice

Bottom line, the spiritual home I envision and have been searching for simply does not exist. Therefore, I must prioritize the above and choose accordingly.  Nothing is standing in the way of me attending more than one place of worship on a regular basis.  In fact, I already know that this will happen because I have a birthright to Catholicism and a vested interest in Catholicism for the sake of maintaining a cultural link to my daughter's Filipino heritage. That said, my personal spirituality is no longer being nourished in the Catholic church, so I must look elsewhere.

Below is how I would divide the aspects of a religious community that I am looking for.

CATHOLIC

+ Due to universal missions, racial and ethnic diversity is greater than in many other religions.

+ For the same reason, I can count on finding a Catholic mass being celebrated pretty much wherever I travel.  Including local to where I live.

+ The ritual is meaningful for me due to my upbringing.

+? In older churches in particular, beautiful art and architecture are part of the landscape.

+? As for social justice, there is some of that in the Church's stance on immigration, and definitely in terms of poverty, but lacking in terms of the racial component.

? The music and sermons are hit-and-miss, dependent on individual churches, much like the art and architecture.  I've been to some very inspiring churches and some very abysmal ones.

? The Franciscan tradition does take an active interest in environmental issues, but there isn't nearly enough support or interest in these issues church-wide.  I've only ever been to one church that bothered to recycle, and it was a Franciscan parish that was also getting certified by GreenFaith.

? And while I have long agreed with the Pro-Life stance of the Catholic church when it comes to abortion, even the death penalty, I disagree with the way it has been expanded to include restrictions on birth control and fertility treatments.

NON-CATHOLIC

I realize this will need to be specific to the religious community I am considering.  Liberal Quakers and Unitarian Universalists are on my horizon currently.  I've attended services in both traditions, but what will make a difference is the specific places of worship that are local to me.

At least these four tend to be a given in both traditions:

+ LBBTQ rights and feminism

+ Environmentalism

+ Inclusivity of Freethinkers

+ Social justice, including racial justice

Very likely are also these three points:

+? A Sense of community, especially via small groups

+? Children's program for religious education

+? Geographically local

The rest of these will need to be analyzed on a case-by-case basis

Uplifting music.  I've only been to one unprogrammed (liberal) Quaker meeting where they had music, and it can hardly be said to be "uplifting".  I have better chances of hearing inspiring music at my own Catholic church.  Unprogrammed meetings do not tend to include music, period.

Beautiful art and architecture.  Part of the value-system of Quakerism is simplicity, and so generally speaking, the meethinghouses are not meant to inspire and uplift but to be humble and non-distracting.

Inspiring sermons.  Again, unprogrammed Quaker meetings do not have prepared sermons.  There may be spoken testimony by anyone present.... or there may not be.  In that sense, it's a very individual-based worship service.

Overall, what I remember liking about Quaker faith were the values and beliefs as well as social justice outreach - all things that I can easily carry with me into the UU church.  But three things I definitely have a better chance finding inside the UU church are sermons, music, and art/architecture. Perhaps the music won't be gregorian chant or gospel music - two of my favorite styles of religious music.  And the art and architecture found in old Catholic and Orthodox churches would be hard to find elsewhere.  But at least I can hope to glean some insights relevant to my spiritual walk from the sermons, since I know they won't be based on the assumption of original sin.

And the aspects of UU churches that I remember not really jiving with me were the service not being particularly meaningful because of lack of the ritual familiar to me, as well as no objection to abortion.  What it is coming down to is a matter of prioritizing.  So here goes.

Most important in a potential spiritual community for me:

1. A Sense of community, especially via small groups (the ability to get to know a manageable group of like-minded individuals where I can express my spiritual beliefs and gain insights without fear of judgment or the expectation of conformity)

2. LGBTQ rights and feminism (I need to qualify that by feminism I do not mean what has become of modern feminists, where essentially women think they should be able to get away with abortion on demand in the name of "equal rights" [um, because men do have access to abortion-on-demand??], or where women who chose to dress modestly or stay home with their children in lieu of a career are seen as enemies of the movement.  As for LGBTQ, for a long time now I have been a sympathizer with LGBTQ rights to equal treatment under the law, and nothing short of that is acceptable to me, no matter the archaic scriptural reasoning.)

3. Environmentalism.  (I've been accused of being un-Christian, back when I identified as Christian, for my concern and focus on green issues.  I kid you not.  Disgusting to think that God cares more about the afterlife than the life we are living right now.)

4. Social Justice, including racial justice. (After getting hung up on the racial/ethnic diversity aspect, I now realize that who the members are is one thing, but providing meaningful support to those of all backgrounds, even those who are not members of one's church, is another.  [Yes, a diverse demographic would be better able to provide racial mirrors for my daughter.  But that's why I intend to continue with Catholic Filipino mass. My commitment to helping her build a healthy self-identity cannot be outsourced to an activity we do once a month though, and once a week would be no better. From the Filipino mass, I need to branch out into the various events and make meaningful friendships for the sake of my daughter.]  Equally important is to actually work towards peace and justice in the world.)

5. Inclusivity of Freethinkers.  (This is essentially the reason my spirituality cannot be contained by the Catholic identity.)

6. Inspiring sermons.  (While I like to think that I think for myself, I also enjoy learning from others whose experiences and knowledge surpass my own.)

7. Children's program for religious education. (How I want to raise my daughter in terms of spirituality is never far from my mind.  While I think she will most likely go through the typical Catholic rites of passage of First Communion/Confession, I also want her to have access to non-Catholic/Christian beliefs in order to make an educated decision for herself when she grows up.)

8. Meaningful ritual. (I realize that this will involve some compromise on my part, having to be open-minded to a new normal.  What used to resonate with me about the mystery of the Eucharist within the Catholic mass no longer does so, except in a more intellectual manner.  So I need to be open to totally new rituals that express what I actually do believe and want to stand for.)

9. Uplifting music.  (I can always hope.  And if I don't find this, there's always the internet and concerts for me to find music as a part of my personal spiritual practice.  I don't need to always expect to be entertained by wonderful music when I gather for worship.)

10. Beautiful art and architecture.  (While I do think there is value in helping us lift our thoughts to things greater than us via various art expressions, the lack of such expressions should not be reason for me to stay away.  I've found just as much inspiration out in nature as I have in expensively adorned churches.)

11. Racial and ethnic diversity.  (So this is what prompted me to write this post.  My conclusion is that I cannot reasonably expect my local place of worship to look like a chapel at an international airport, as much as I would love that.  I need to have enough dimensions to my life, enough connections, that between the various activities and friends I have the diversity I desire, both for myself and especially for my daughter.)

12. Pro-Life post-implantation.  (There is a whole pro-life movement that is not affiliated with any particular religion.  If I felt truly dedicated to the cause, I could always join in its efforts.  The fact that I have only sporadically been involved with the March for Life and 40 Days for Life shows that I can hardly call myself dedicated, nor can I blame my religious community for my lack of deeper involvement.)

13. Access to religious service while traveling and geographically local.  (So I can reasonably get to the closest UU church from where I live without much of a commute, and when I travel, I can always attend Catholic mass and benefit from the various other aspects of spiritual inspiration that I find more so among Catholic churches anyway, like the architecture and art.)

The next step is to attend my local UU church.  Attend a few times.  Attend with an open mind. Attend not so that I can see if the label "UU" fits me, but attend to see if I see myself contributing to - and benefiting from - the spiritual community available there.  This is actually much different from my previous attempts at "finding a spiritual home", which were always based on a search for an apt label for myself.  I think my current labels would remain the same - cultural/birthright Catholic, Deist, Spiritually Independent.  If I do find a sense of community in the UU church, I'd only be adding to this list of labels, not replacing any of them.  My spirituality is my own responsibility, not the church where I attend.  Hopefully this attitude will serve me well on my journey.

Authentic Life

From Oprah, to Dr. Phil, to the myriad of self-help books and motivational speakers, clearly people are searching not just for spiritual truth, but for that je ne sais quoi that would bring meaning to one's life.  That life's purpose may or may not be tied to one's religious convictions, but it's a well in need of filling in many people's lives.

I'm no exception.  I dare say, however, that I'm a lot closer to fulfilling that longing than many, at least in the Western world.  Now, to say that I'm closer simply means that I have a vague idea of what it would take for me to be fully at peace and content with my life, not that I've already arrived at such a state of mind.

For starters, I realize that it's a state of mind.  Happiness is something I have to make up my mind to be.  I have some ideas as to where I see myself in 5-10 years, but while I'm working on that plan, I have to be satisfied with good enough for the time being.

Here's how the following are playing into my leading a fulfilling life.

DEISM

I recently embraced the fact that when it comes to my spiritual-religious beliefs, I'm a deist.  I believe in a creator-God, and I believe in some form of life after death.  I am content with this minimal level of knowledge and belief.  It gives me great pleasure and satisfaction to think of worship as anything that involves being in awe of God's great masterpieces, both in nature and via human ingenuity (which comes from God, imho).  I no longer worry about doing things to please religious "authority" figures, or even others who walk around holier-than-thou.  I do the best I can, and when I stumble, I pick myself up and drive on.  I no longer feel the incessant need to try to figure out the inner workings of the universe, and it's soooo freeing!

MINIMALISM

I see this as a work in progress, but boy have we gotten to a point where I'm really starting to see the potential, which is only motivating me to keep it going.  I've pared down my wardrobe, donated hundreds of books, and have had an ongoing plastic bin that we keep filling with various items from around the house that we decide are not essential to our joy.  With every trip to Goodwill (and recently even a few items sold on Craigslist!), I can actually feel my home environment expanding to bring to the surface further items that need not be collecting dust any longer.  I hope to be in a place of maintenance by the time we get settled in our new home, which we expect to be sometime in the next year.

ATTACHMENT PARENTING

It has given me great pleasure and fulfillment to focus so intensely on my relationship with my daughter over the past year and some change.  Now that she's a toddler, it's a bit challenging to juggle her continued need - and my continued desire - to keep our attachment to each other strong and secure, and to help her along the way of independence, as is my role as her mother.  We are moving ever so slowly towards gentle discipline (as in instructing and guiding, NOT punishment), while still enjoying the AP basics of breastfeeding, cosleeping, and baby-wearing.

HOMESCHOOLING

We technically have several more years of parenting before we add homeschooling to our official repertoire of responsibilities, but since I take a long time to adjust to anything, I'm liking the idea of slowly introducing aspects of preschool activities into our daily routine.  I'm researching age-appropriate developmental milestones and how to best encourage them, and I'm trying out different ways to give Maya the opportunity to explore the world around her in new and interesting ways.  My biggest challenge will be to establish some sort of regular contact with other children, but that is on my horizon, along with daily (at least every other day!) time in the great outdoors.

GREEN LIVING

I feel as though we've fallen off the wagon a little in our time living in an apartment, but that's mainly because we aren't currently composting.  We still always have more recycling than trash to take out, and we always consider reusing what we already have before purchasing something new.  This also works well with our minimalist aspirations.  But more than that, I absolutely love line-drying our laundry, as it brings back lovely memories of my own childhood and gives Maya a way to help me out, even at such a young age of 13 months!  Next on my agenda is completely eliminating store-bought cleaning supplies and focusing on baking soda, vinegar, and whatever other natural ingredients I can use to make my own concoctions.  I'm not there yet.  What's even more urgent is starting to grow some of our own edibles.  I've never had a green thumb, and as much as I hate to waste (both money, time, and stuff), I don't like to take risks with growing something I'm afraid will only end up in the garbage.  But it's on my list.

RECONNECTING WITH HUBBY

Our marriage has taken a back seat since the birth of Maya.  Yet to Alex's credit, he has never once held it against me or complained about coming second in my life.  He understands that this is a phase of life, and that he had 15 years of just me-and-him time, and once Maya is a little more independent and will enjoy spending time alone or with friends, we'll have our time back.  It takes a real secure man to be able to put his own needs on hold while his daughter is getting her needs met.  This is only a testament to my good taste ;)  But seriously, when I look to the future, I see us together, as Alex said on our first date at the Post Exchange, "Just you and me, babe, on top of the world!"  Only now we'll also have our little Maya the bee to bring smiles to our faces.

So, how do I envision this authentic life that I'm working towards?

For starters, we need to move.  We need to live somewhere where the cost of living is drastically lower, and the pace of life is much slower.  While we are blessed that Alex no longer has to work more than the usual 40 hour week in order to support our lifestyle, it is still not ideal.  And that's what I'm talking about here - the ideal.  I feel best after a nice weekend spent just the three of us, and truly, what I want for us is to be able to bring that level of closeness and togetherness to at least 50% of our weekly life.  Perhaps an online business or if I ever get around to selling my books (and writing more), or better yet, passive income in the form of real estate.  There is no reason that only those who are currently rich should be the only ones to enjoy the time that affords them with their loved ones and pursuing their passions.  But the truth is that it takes money to make money, and so we find ourselves in that stage of the planning.

For the longest time, we've talked about "early retirement", but that was only because we couldn't imagine working at our jobs forever.  But what if the activities for which we get paid aren't drudgery at all?  Then there's no reason to stop and "retire"!  So with that definition in mind, we have just over 10 years to get all of our ducks in a row and get to a place where we can be living the life we've dreamed of.

That life includes travel, or perhaps just living abroad where we feel we're on vacation!  A Mediterranean climate is a must for that to happen!  This is why homeschooling is a no-brainer for us.  Well, it's one of the reasons.  We are not going to be slaves to the school system's schedule for living our lives.  There's only that pesky question of income sufficient to support our lifestyle (which by no means is to be extravagant.  We don't want a big house - we actually are having a real hard time finding something as small as we'd prefer!  We don't care about the latest electronic gadgets (well, maybe Alex a little, but even he is reasonable in that department).  And while I know I mentioned travel as an ideal, I also realize that this takes money, which is why I suggested settling in a vacation-like destination.  (No, not Florida, btw!)

That authentic life that I envision involves lots of nature, but still close to civilization.  A moderate climate with four seasons is fine, but a year-round summer would be ok too if it didn't involve excessive humidity.  Being able to not only have wonderful, breathtaking views, both from our windows and just from a short distance down the street, but also being able to actually be in that nature, to feel a part of it, to touch the natural world without taking anything but photographs and leaving nothing but footprints!  Listening to the silence, or the waves crashing against the shore, or the wind in the branches, birds singing.  A life conducive to meditation would be ideal for me.

For Alex, a social life would be ideal.  The ability to have shops and bars and restaurants just a short drive - if not walk! - from home.  Being able to enjoy the nightlife - not in the form of late-night drunken fests, but by watching a town come alive when the sun goes down.  You meet different people at different times of the day, and we like to keep it diverse!

To be honest, as I'm writing this, Andalucia, Spain comes to mind.  We only visited there once, for our honeymoon a decade ago, and yet.... either Spain or a place just like it!

The ideal way we envision getting to our dream is by first establishing passive income from a rental property, which would ease our worries over finding work at our destination right away.  To get there, we must first be completely in the black in our finances.  We still have my student loans to pay off, and we're about to take on paying for Alex's going back to college.  The latter is a must to open up opportunities for him to be able to find work similar to what he's doing now but outside the government.  So while he's in school, we won't be able to pay off my loans completely.

We were hoping to get into a mortgage with a monthly payment that is several hundred dollars per month less than what we're paying in rent at our apartment, but alas, this isn't looking as promising as we had hoped.  The homes that are newly renovated, or even just simply move-in ready, tend to be in really crappy neighborhoods - dirty, with shady characters loitering on the streets, bars in people's windows also tell me crime is a concern.  On the other hand, the good neighborhoods are full of homes that need a lot of work - read money - before they can really be considered livable.  And I watch House Hunters - we are not being too picky.  We don't care about the color of the paint on the walls or if the kitchen appliances are outdated.  We do care about water damage or lead paint though!

That is, if we strictly stick to the budget we set out for ourselves, which would allow us $300+ monthly savings, leading to a quick (6-7 years) pay off of my student loans.  But as I said, alas, it is not meant to be.  We have to make a lateral move if we are going to get the ball rolling on that rental property.  It makes no sense to be throwing money away by renting if we could be working - albeit slowly - towards paying down a mortgage.

In the meantime, we will be able to truly make our surroundings our own.  I miss the color walls we had in our house.  I hate the popcorn ceiling AND WALLS that we have now!  And while I absolutely love our one-level living and specifically the layout here, it's a pain to go for a walk down the stairs with a stroller (so I almost always wear Maya in a carrier, but there have been times when my back wouldn't allow it, or we were walking to the farmer's market and I needed the stroller to do the heavy lifting of the groceries).  Even when driving for groceries, carrying them and Maya at the same time up a flight of stairs is getting old.  Yet would I really want to live in a ground-level unit, where there's so much traffic from cars parking and people walking that I'd never be able to have my window shades open? No privacy and I wouldn't feel very safe either.

And so, our journey must start even under less than ideal circumstances.  We are working to pay off all of our debt (like I said, we only have my student loans at this time, and we'll be adding a mortgage), so that we can begin to live in a way that will feel like living, not just surviving from day to day.  And - this is very important - as our parents enabled for us by the sacrifices they made, so too we must continue to pass on economic wisdom to Maya to make sure she doesn't make the mistakes we made in our early adulthood by incurring unnecessary debt.  (I consider most of my student loans as unnecessary debt as well.  But that's another topic.)

I'm looking forward to this change.  I think it will be in the right direction.

Staying at Home to Parent Full-Time

Let me cut straight to the chase.  The number one reason I wanted to stay home with Maya was because, after 10 years of marriage and our long struggle to become parents, I couldn't imagine doing all of that, going through all we went through, so that I could be a part-time mom.  I understand that this isn't a choice for some people, but when we looked at our circumstances, it did make financial sense in addition to my desire to give my all to my baby, 24/7.  The idea that I should continue to work outside the home so that I could then turn around and give my entire income to child care providers who would be raising my daughter while I was working, well, it just sounded ludicrous.  I wanted to be a mom.  I did not want a child for the sake of having an accessory.  I'm sorry, but I see too much of that everywhere I turn.  People having kids just because that's what you "do" at a certain age or stage in your life, or worse, in an attempt to make yourself feel grown-up (for teen moms) or to try to coerce a man (the baby's daddy) to stay with you.

Ok, so I actually wanted - and still do - to spend my time with Maya.  I have chosen to put my other interests aside to make room for Maya in my life.  I strongly disagree with the parenting advice that states that we ought to try to make the baby fit into our life, since the baby is the newcomer.  Um, that's like saying to newlyweds that they need to get their spouse to fit into their bachelor/ette life. No, when you get married, your life changes.  It's supposed to.  And when you become a parent, your life changes, and it's supposed to.  If your career is more important than family life, then don't have kids.  It's that simple.  Nowadays, this is a valid choice.  If you're not going to give parenting your all, then don't do it half-ass.  Your child deserves better.

Now, I'm not saying that I am the perfect mother, because that's insane. It's impossible to do everything right all the time.  However, I am saying that my priority at this point in my life is my daughter and not myself.  To that end, I am doing everything in my power, to the best of my abilities, to give her the best start in life.  That's not to say that other parents don't have the same mindset while going about it completely differently.  Again, everyone's circumstances are different.  But for me, staying home full time is how I'm trying to provide the best start in life for my daughter.

For one thing, attachment is the foundation of all of her future relationships.  During her critical infant and toddler years, she needs to develop a secure attachment to her primary caretakers (her dad and me), so that she can learn to trust, and so that she can learn what a healthy relationship is all about.  She cannot have a strong attachment to someone who doesn't spend significant time with her.
Also, we are raising Maya in a multilingual household.  Especially with Polish, it would be very difficult for her to have sufficient exposure to the language if she didn't hear it from me all day long.

Finally, there are various values that Alex and I hope to pass on to her that we know are not shared by the mainstream.  It would be very difficult to find child care providers who were equally passionate about the environment, for a start.  I know of none that would be willing to cloth diaper or practice elimination communication with her.

And so, with Maya's best interest in mind, Alex and I decided for me to stay home full time while we moved across the state line and downsized our townhome to a one bedroom with den apartment.  This way, Alex's commute time is drastically cut, and he is able to spend significant time with Maya every day after work.  He also changed positions so that he wouldn't be required to travel regularly the way he used to.  This choice came at a price.  We are not near our families.  It's a big hassle to go see them, and they rarely if ever come to see us.  Still, with all due respect, it was more important for Maya to have her parents available than to see her extended family on a regular basis.  I wish she'd have been able to get the benefit of both, but our circumstances did not allow that.

After over a year of staying home full time with Maya, the fog of postpartum anxiety finally having lifted, I'm starting to see our arrangement in a more balanced way.  In other words, there are pros and cons.  Just the same, it doesn't change my mind about us having made the best decision for our family.  It does, however, prompt me to consider ways to address the cons so that they don't interfere with the overall pros.  But that's for another time.

Worship for Nonreligious Theists

In my last post, I only briefly mentioned the need to worship God.  It may seem obvious to many religious folks that a belief in God necessitates His (Her) worship, but this is not always the case.  Satanists "believe" in God, but they certainly do not worship Him.
 
Deists believe in a creator God who, after creating the universe, has sat back and let everything run its course without any further involvement from Him.  Deists tend not to speculate on an afterlife, and their moral code is not dictated from the top down, so there is no dogma that ushers them towards any particular form of worship, or any worship at all.

Buddhism, as it turns out, is not exactly atheistic.  The Buddha actually didn't teach anything about God's existence one way or the other.  Rather, he was concerned with the issue of suffering and how we as individuals, through our own agency, can eliminate suffering in our lives.  With the focus being on the nature of self, there wasn't much room left for worship.  That's not to say that there aren't folk understandings of Buddhism where indeed followers worship a god or gods, but this generally seems to be a merging of Buddhism with other faiths.

 
Which brings me to why I believe that worship ought to have a prominent place in my spiritual life as a Theist.  Perhaps I'm carrying over a bit from Christianity, but I do see God as a parental figure.  Just as we normally assume that our human parents deserve honor (be that because of the Catholic 4th/Protestant 5th Commandment taken from the book of Exodus, or a more secular sense of respect for one's elders), so too does our Heavenly Parent deserve honor for having brought us into being.

So what exactly is worship?  I like this definition: "extravagant respect or admiration for or devotion to an object of esteem".   Let's examine this further.  

Respect is "a feeling of admiring someone or something that is good, valuable, important, serious, etc, and should be treated in an appropriate way".  It's the opposite of the common adolescent attitude of "I don't care".  In essence, respect is caring for and about something/someone that one has deemed important enough to be cared for/about. Admiration is synonymous to respect.

Extravagant generally means "more than is usual, necessary, or proper".  Certainly, this is a subjective judgment call. Towards the end of my ESL teaching career, I was also working as an ESL coordinator assistant of sorts.  We frequently had last minute class cancellations, causing undue stress and financial worries to the instructors, who never knew just how much income they could count on.  My last semester working was no exception.  When one of my colleagues lost several of her classes, I immediately offered for her to teach one of the classes that had been assigned to me.  I saw nothing out of the ordinary about it, especially since I had the administrative work to fall back on. Yet my supervisor made a point to praise my decision as "very collegial".  The instructor likewise was quite grateful.  It would seem that my simple act of sharing (think back to Kindergarten!) was seen as extravagant - more than usual or necessary.

Having said that, can one really have "too much" respect for God Almighty?!  I think not, so I'll take it to mean indeed "more than is usual", but certainly not "more than is necessary or proper".

Devotion means a strong love and loyalty and the use on one's time, money, energy, and skills for a particular purpose.  Within the realm of religion, it refers to private acts of worship, those done aside from the "regular corporate worship of a congregation".  So it is the things we do out of our own inclination, regardless if others join us in doing them, that we hope show our respect and admiration for the object of our devotion.

And finally, esteem - respect, affection, high regard.  And so, the object of esteem is simply that to which we direct our devotion, respect, and admiration.

Let us recap.  We have an object of esteem - God.  We hold God in high regard, seriously considering Him important, valuable, good. We dedicate whatever we have - time, effort, money, skill - to express our respect for Him.  And we do so more than we show respect for anything else that we find worthy of our attention.

Now that we have a working definition of what worship ought to look like, the next step will be to itemize possible expressions of worshiping God outside of the traditions of any single religion.  One possibility would be to simply mix and match - utilize the devotions found in various world religions to make up our private spiritual practice.  This in fact is what many Spiritual Independents do. (I should note that my taking on the label of "Theist", or more specifically "nonreligious Catholic Theist" is merely a more specific understanding of the bigger label I had previously taken on, namely that of a Spiritual Independent.)

Another possibility is to look outside of religious traditions all together, into the wider, secular world, and see how else I might worship God.  How do I show respect or admiration for my parents?  For my spouse?  For my daughter?  For my elders?  For morally sound authority figures?  For the planet, even?  What do I do so that not only they know that I admire and respect them, but that others also see this?  How do I spend my time, money, effort, skill?  Again, this is something many Spiritual Independents incorporate into their private spiritual practice.

What comes to mind for me includes attachment parenting, minimalism, environmental stewardship, and inter-cultural open-mindedness. How do I live these expressions such that they are clearly directed towards an appreciation and uplifting of God in my life?

Homeschooling Myself

A faith/philosophy post is a bit overdue.  I was taking a walk outside today.  There is an artificially made lake on my campus.  As I paced back and forth, peering into the water, looking up at the sky, allowing the various sights and sounds to attract my attention, I made a few observations. 

As I stopped to turn around at the edge of the lake, where the water mingles with the sand that yields to a wooded area, I thought about how nature is made up of transitions.  After all, where exactly does the lake end and the land begin?  If I say that the lake starts at the first sign of water, even if that water doesn’t so much as come up to my ankles, then how is this different from a puddle elsewhere on otherwise dry land?  But if I say that the same spot is strictly dry land, then how do I account for the tiny fish swimming around to the very edge and back?  Puddles don’t host fish.  

I’ve had a similar thought process lately when it comes to the beginning of human life debate that is ongoing in our society.  Some people say we become a human person at the moment of conception, yet how is this possible if we know that a human embryo can split into two identical twins?  Likewise, two separately fertilized eggs can merge into a single embryo around the time of implantation, resulting in a chimera – one person with two sets of DNA.  

Others say that birth is the magic moment when we begin to be alive.  But how do we account for premature babies?  And what about the fact that a fetus has been shown to experience pain and react to sensory stimulation?  Furthermore, epigenetics tells us that we are affected by what we experience while in the womb.  If we didn’t have our life “turn on” until the moment of birth, there would be no evidence of living in utero.  

Perhaps when it comes to deciding where the actual boundaries of a lake are, it matters little.  But when it comes to deciding when life – especially human life – begins and ends, it matters a lot.  However, I don’t think we need to know the answer to this question to proceed ethically and morally.  When in doubt, erring on the side of caution seems to be the most reasonable way to go.

But returning to my observations from this afternoon…

I was entertained by observing creatures in their natural (or somewhat natural) environment.  I watched a school of fish stop when I stopped, and face me as if expecting me to drop some crumbs for them to feed on.  I noticed a dragonfly hovering in one spot, and was reminded of how our human invention of a helicopter is simply a man-made reproduction of something already existent in nature.  I saw a spider walking on water, and recalled how amazed people were to see Jesus do likewise, yet here we have a different creature made by God to imitate Christ in this one physical way.  

I thought of how our modern society robs us of such natural entertainment and education.  How much can we learn by merely observing nature!  So much more than a mere textbook can teach us.  Yet we deprive ourselves of access to God’s natural school and play ground, and then try to compensate with virtual renditions of the real thing.

Honestly, this post is really about homeschooling.  Homeschooling myself.  Twenty years of formal education (right up until all doctoral requirements were met minus the dissertation) has done little in the way of better preparing me for life.  And if education doesn’t prepare a student for life, then what’s the point?  

Expecting a baby is giving me a renewed hope of learning about God’s beautiful world by parenting and educating my child.  I am so blessed to have this opportunity!

Green, Frugal, Simple for Baby

Reading the parenting magazines and listening to all the hype, you'd really believe that it costs thousands and thousands of dollars to raise a child.  But I'm looking forward to attachment parenting and frugal green living, followed later by Waldorf-inspired homeschooling. 

Baby's got to eat.  Well, God thought of that when He gave me boobies!  Barring any complications, we plan to arrange our lifestyle such that I can exclusively breastfeed baby until s/he no longer requires breast milk.  For the few times I may be away from baby when s/he's hungry, I'm partial to using a baby syringe as a nipple replacement, instead of bottles.  We'll need that for medication anyway, and it's free at most pharmacies.

Baby's gonna pee and poo.  We do want to keep that content off the furniture and clothing, so we are diapering.... with cloth diapers.  One time expense, and a much greener and more comfortable option for baby, plus helps encourage potty training since baby learns not to enjoy that moist butt feel as a toddler.  We opted for simple prefolds with white velcro covers.

Baby's gotta get around.  Since we do live in an area where we utilize a car often, a car seat is a must.  What is not a must is three or four different car seats and boosters as the child grows.  We're opting for a convertible car seat that can be set up rear-facing with the appropriate inserts to keep baby from flopping all over the place, and eventually to serve as a booster chair.  When not driving, a baby carrier will be our first choice of transportation.  It keeps baby and parent close together, plus baby gets to see what's going on at a higher level than in a stroller.  Having said that, we do have a stroller we bought years ago second-hand that converts from a bassinet style to a sitting position, which also lets you move the handlebar so you can either be facing baby or you can both be looking in the same direction. 

Baby's got to wear clothes.  At least in public!  We're fans of unisex clothes for the first few months for several reasons.  First of all, we are not finding out the sex of the baby.  Second, I don't like color-coding kids, and if we knew we were having a girl, for instance, many of our loved ones would shower us with frilly pink princess themed stuff, which makes me want to gag!  But most importantly, babies grow.  Very fast.  Any item of clothing in the first 12 months of life or so will only be worn a handful of times anyway.  With unisex items for this stage, should we be blessed with baby #2, there won't be a reason not to reuse the same stuff.  Speaking of hand-me-downs, if you've got baby clothes you want me to take off your hands, let me know!  I am anything BUT a hand-me-down snob.  I love hand-me-downs.  We practically dressed our foster daughter in the hand-me-downs of a nice lady I met online who didn't need her kids' clothes anymore.

Baby's got to be clean.  Wet washcloth baths in the very beginning and baths on a towel in the tub later on sound like a plan to me.  I watched my siblings bathed this way, and I don't see any reason to purchase items to complicate a simple process.  Baby can also use the same towels we use (obviously clean), so no need to designate one with a hoodie that can't be used once baby is too big.

Baby's got to be healthy.  So there are a few items that I think need to be in our first-aid kit.  A thermometer, baby syringe, nose aspirator.  This category is hardly a bank-breaker.

Baby's got to have fun and get some exercise!  First of all, toys for babies are like bicycles for fish.  Completely pointless, though the fish owner may get a kick looking at the fish and toys in the tank together.  Since I'm focusing on the very early time period right now, I won't go into toys that I do think are advisable for toddlers and beyond.  But babies?  They play with their toes, your finger, a sock.  Just be creative.  They don't care if it's made by Disney.

Most importantly, baby needs mom and dad.  And no store in the universe can compensate for one-on-one time with the parentals!

Hugging God's trees

Have you ever been so passionate about something you wanted to share it with others every chance you got?  Have you ever been so convinced about a cause that you were sure everyone would share your excitement if they only knew what was at stake?  And have you ever been accused of being judgmental when you point out room for improvement or controlling when you insist on doing it right? If so, then maybe you can teach me:  How do I spread the green spirit without isolating myself from my friends?

         Why is it OK if we neglect or abuse her only a little bit, or only sometimes?  Why is it OK to make fun of those of us that try to do the right thing, try to take care of Her, try to teach others how to take care of Her?  ("Tree-hugger" is generally not uttered with respect.) Why does standing up for my principles have to mean that I’m a bad friend?

Maybe I could use a lesson in diplomacy.  But maybe some of my friends could use a lesson in thinking-outside-the-box.  One thing’s for sure.  There’s no reason to refuse to recycle.

Or use cloth grocery bags.

Or replace lightbulbs with CFLs.

Or turn off the light in rooms you’re not using.

Or turn off the water when brushing your teeth.

Or use things more than once whenever possible.

Or put on a sweater instead of turning up the heat.

Or keep windows covered instead of blasting the A/C.

Or use both sides of a sheet of paper whenever you can.

Or simply listen to other people’s ideas about how to contribute to the solution, instead of being part of the problem.

If I didn’t think this was important enough, I wouldn’t risk upsetting my friends or coming off as a nag.  But I do think our planet is important enough to be taken care of, not just by tree-huggers (whatever that means), but by all of its inhabitants.  Respect where you live – is that really too much to ask?

Ok, now that I've gotten that off my chest, allow me to contextualize it perhaps a bit more productively.  Alex and I have recently become involved with the Green Team at our parish.  Our priest has registered our parish for a 2 year certification program, at the end of which we are to be "green certified" - the first Catholic church in our state to do so!  This has given me great satisfaction to have my long-held passion for the environment recognized as something important enough for a church to do as an effort to serve God's will.  

On January 1, 1990, our beloved Blessed Pope John Paul II wrote in honor of World Day of Peace "Peace with God the Creator, peace with all of creation. And exactly 20 years later, on January 1, 2010, Pope Benedict XVI wrote "If you want to cultivate peace, protect creation."

The Bible is loud and clear on glorifying God through His magnificent creation, our Mother Earth:  Psalm 104:24-25, Isaiah 43:20-21, Job 12:7-10.  Specifically, God reminds us that our planet is on loan to us, and we are to be good stewards of its resources: Leviticus 25:23-24 says [T]he land is Mine; for you are but aliens and sojourners with Me.  Thus for ever piece of your property, you are to provide for the redemption of the land. 

In Ezekiel 34:18, God admonishes humanity for mistreatment of His planet: Is it too slight a thing for you that you should feed in the good pasture, that you must tread down with your feet the rest of your pastures?  Or that you should drink of the clear waters, that you must foul the rest with your feet?  

In Isaiah 24:4-6, likewise:  The earth mourns and withers, the world fades and withers, the exalted of the people of the earth fade away. The earth is also polluted by its inhabitants, for they transgressed laws, violated statutes, broke the everlasting covenant.  Therefore, a curse devours the earth, and those who live in it are held guilty.

God is clear in His disappointment at our treatment of the environment in Jeremiah 2:7: I brought you into the fruitful land to eat its fruit and its good things.  But you came and defiled My land, and My inheritance you made an abomination. 

But I think the strongest admonition, the clearest sign that "God is green", comes to us in verse 18 of Revelation 11:  And the nations were enraged, and Your wrath came, and the time came for the dead to be judged, and the time to reward Your bond-servants the prophets and the saints and those who fear Your name, the small and the great, and to destroy those who destroy the earth.  Ouch.  God threatens to destroy those who destroy the earth.  It can't get any simpler to understand that this.  And so, with this, I feel justified for being "green" when no one else in my immediate circle of friends was, for going with my gut that waste of natural resources and destruction of ecosystems is a sin! They call me "tree-hugger", and so I am blessed:

Matthew 5:11   

Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.