Who am I? My codependent upbringing handed me an identity that I never questioned. Until now. I'm an American Catholic wife and mother. But what does that mean to me on a daily basis? This is what I will attempt to uncover.
To me, "American" means the sky's the limit. Yes, there are cultural traditions, but I do not feel compelled to be bound by them. Since the United States is not a monolithic society, there are at least four types (if you will) of cultures that are part and parcel of the history of US culture. First of all, that of the various Native American tribes, which sadly remains mostly in the names of various places, both natural and man-made, and very little else. Second, that of the African American slaves, which have had a significant impact on modern-day American culture, starting with music and food, and more recently (relatively speaking), media and sports. Third, that of the original European settlers, which brought with it the language and religious traditions, as well as various socio-political norms that our country is based on. Fourth, that of the vast diversity of more recent immigrants from literally around the world. I cannot possibly fit into a single paragraph the myriad of ways that cultures vastly different from each other have mixed and mingled to form the modern day norms of the United States. Essentially, though, what resulted is a wide range of "normal", with a strong emphasis on the choices of the individual to pick and choose what resonates with them and run with it.
"Catholic" literally means "universal", which is actually a lovely segway from national to religious identity. It's a way of being a Christ-follower, which is what being Catholic means to me; that I aspire to center my life on Christ. I believe the Catholic Church has the closest interpretation of Jesus's message available to us, and I love many things about it: the authority with which it teaches on matters of faith and morals; the traditions of beautiful art and music; the social outreach it is known for (hospitals and schools in particular). I also love the way the Church allows me to approach my Lord in a way I was never able to do in any other worship environment (and over the years I've tried plenty). First and foremost, I am reminded on at least a weekly basis that God loves me so much, that He has come down first in the Incarnation and person of Jesus, and now in the Holy Eucharist. I can not only "taste and see that the Lord is good" (Psalm 34:8) when I receive Him in Holy Communion, but I can also "keep watch with [Him]" (Matthew 26:40) in Adoration.
I am a wife. I am not just "a wife", but "the wife of Oscar". Being a wife is something that by definition ties a person to another, hence we are "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24, 1 Corinthians 6:16). We are of one mind. We make plans together, we share our joys and sorrows together, we raise our children together, we offer each other unconditional friendship and companionship. My #1 go-to person is my husband, and vice-versa. There is no one I feel closer to than him. Without a doubt, he is one of the best gifts God has bestowed on me. So for me to be a wife means to be a life partner to Oscar, with all that this entails.
I am also a mother. This role, too, is by necessity tied to the specific children God has allowed us to raise for His glory. And that precisely is my job as a mother - to raise little saints. To be a saint means to be happy with God forever - who wouldn't want that for one's children, or oneself for that matter? It's quite the undertaking, motherhood. I believe it is my job - our job - to educate our children, to protect them, to prepare them for life, to share the gospel with them, to help them reach their potential in any way I can. I do not buy into the modern-day secular belief that pretty much all of these tasks can be delegated to others. In my mind, doing so leaves the parent with the role of "supervisor", supervising the job that others are doing in regard to their children. Some situations necessitate such an arrangement, and I certainly don't judge those who opt for it. But it is not what I am called to. To me, being a mother *entails* staying home with them and homeschooling them. I wouldn't feel like a mother without these factors in place.
But how do I incorporate these four roles into my daily identity? I believe that God has arranged the circumstances of my life so that I may best attain my potential through homemaking, at least in this current phase of my life. Previously, He had tasked me with teaching English to immigrants and international visa students (I'm not aware of any of my students having had refugee or asylee status). And I can never be certain where He will lead me in the future. But right now - and that's all we can ever truly know and embrace - I am a homemaker. I am tasked with making a home for my family. I am painfully aware of the lack of homes being made, well, homes, in many American households. Rather, the home is taken for granted as merely a place to hang one's hat. With adages such as "home is where your heart is", it is easy to think that "home" simply means "comfort". And while I agree that one's home should most definitely be the place members of the household feel most comfortable, it is so much more than that. It is a place of togetherness, of ongoing learning, of building the smallest segment of society. It is where proper adult roles are learned, and where daily tasks are taught to the next generation. It is where a family becomes more than simply a group of people bound together by blood or by law, but rather a place where a family develops its own family culture and becomes a unit unto itself. None of this happens by happenstance. Someone must be charged with orchestrating the smooth running of the household, ensuring that these various goals are being actively pursued.
The first few times I heard "creative" job descriptions for stay-at-home moms (such as "domestic engineer" or "household CEO"), I chuckled. But it wasn't because I thought it was funny; it was because I felt shamed for not getting a paycheck for what I do. I in no way believed that these creative phrases were meant to value the role of at-home parents. Rather, I felt it was meant as a way to juxtapose terminology one associates with the "working world" with the domestic sphere, as if to prove the utter silliness of there being any true worth in the work done by homemakers. And even though I never doubted that raising one's children full-time was, well, a full-time job, I did reserve some of the same aversion to stay-at-home wives without children at home. Actually, if I'm being honest, I even held a dislike towards stay-at-home moms of older kids who attended school. What do they do all day? - I would ask.
And this is the crux of the situation. I had no concept of what went into "making a home". I mean, I knew there was childcare for those with kids, and some general cooking and cleaning that goes into keeping house. But I viewed it from the perspective of a child. I was given chores as a child. So I didn't see these same tasks, when done by an adult in charge, as anything more. Not only that, but I didn't consider the various chores that simply weren't being done altogether, or at least not nearly as frequently as they ought to be in order to keep a truly welcoming and cozy home for the family.
Now I see so many opportunities in this new role as homemaker. I already mentioned that my husband and I opted to educate our children at home, so "childcare" remains permanently something that we do on a daily basis. And instead of having to manage the feedback of teachers and coaches from afar, trying to inc
There's cooking, too, but as someone who has struggled with a lack of talent for cooking, I can tell you there's a world of difference between, say, ordering food or buying microwaveable meals, and cooking from scratch or even making one's own [hummus, guacamole, jam, bread...] and harvesting ingredients from one's own garden! While both extremes feed the family, there is certainly more time, work, effort, and planning that goes into the latter, and generally more money going into the former. In addition, I'm discovering that meal-planning not only helps to keep a steady variety of food, but it allows for the application of nutritional knowledge to maximize health and vitality, not just satiety.
And as far as cleaning goes... I now have a vision of what I want my family's surroundings to look like. Organized, not cluttered. Bright and airy. Clean. So the chores that go into cleaning the house serve a higher purpose now. I aim for a certain end result. I haven't yet attained it, but at least I have a vision I'm aiming for. And there are so many chores that I don't remember doing, which doesn't mean they weren't being done... plus there are maintenance issues that also escaped my notice as a child. When I first became a mom, I timed myself one week to see just how long it took me to do all the chores I was doing at the time. My efforts amounted to roughly 8 hours - for the week. So based on what I was doing in maintaining a two bedroom apartment, I seemed to have confirmed that being a "housewife" with no kids to keep you occupied was not a full-time endeavor. But now I see that I was simply doing the bare minimum. To truly embrace the role of homemaker, there is always something that can be improved upon, that will keep one busy all week long.
I admit it - in a sense, I am trying to harness my own version of a June Cleaver. I want the feel of something of eras gone by in my home. Of course, I know better than to apply a blanket statement to the effect of "good old days", because I know for everything I wish was still the same as "back then" (and when exactly, that varies), there are things I'm grateful we have moved past. But the American in me gives me the freedom to pick and choose what resonates with me from various eras, and those are the things I'm hoping to embrace in my home.
I am learning to make our house a home. I am learning to be a homemaker. For the sake of my children and husband, but also for my own sake of feeling like my own home is a microcosm of society, I am embracing the role of homemaker. Not some lofty-sounding domestic engineer or CEO of my family - these roles imply professionalism that seems too distant and cold for my taste. But simply - home-maker, maker-of-a-home. What can be more important than making a home for my family, so that they have a literal home base to which they can return from their adventures into the world, a home base where they learn how to treat other people, a home base that serves as a domestic church. This last one is a new concept for me as well, but I'll save that for another time.
Showing posts with label stay at home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stay at home. Show all posts
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Sunday, October 18, 2015
We Should Be Coming Out of the EA Closet Soon
I've been struggling with the discussion of embryo donation/adoption lately. Before our daughter was born, I was very open about our journey and what avenues we were considering in our pursuit to parenthood. But now that she's here, it's her story too, and I'm afraid of giving too much away without her consent.
I know too many ignorant people who do not censor their thoughts before they speak. Case in point. Last night we were getting our check at a restaurant when the waitress, looking at Maya, asked, "Who does she look like?" Awkward pause... "She doesn't look like either of you!"
Hmm, I chickened out and took the chance to focus on my daughter not spilling her drink so that I wouldn't have to address the waitress. Alex, luckily, responded with a vague truth that seemed to satisfy our rude inquirer, "She's got a little mix in her."
Apparently, as Maya gets older, she is growing more into her Filipino looks. To be honest, we both assumed that we could bank on her being mistaken for Hispanic and therefore, since Alex is Latino, not have to face these sort of questions. We've been getting comments about her beauty since the beginning, and I've had two different men ask me - when Alex wasn't with us - if she were "mine". Alex generally sailed by on their daddy-and-me escapades, until just this month.
Apparently, he recently got his first comment questioning where Maya gets her looks from. There was a guess that I - his wife - may be Chinese. He got the exact same comment from someone else just the day before the restaurant situation. So if even he's getting these comments now, we have to be proactively prepared to respond in a way that lets our daughter know 1) that she absolutely belongs in our family regardless of resemblance, and 2) what an appropriate response to such a nosy question would be if she ever gets asked something like this directly.
The other piece of the puzzle is that we do want to celebrate her British and Filipino ancestry. We want her to be proud of it, though to be honest, I don't know what that means. What does it mean to be proud of a group that you belong to? To be proud of the accomplishments of those who share your DNA? Your ethnicity? Your cultural history? Why is that something to be proud of? I'm not saying it's not, I'm just wondering what makes this phenomenon relevant in a person's life.
Regardless, we can no longer ignore that Maya's ethnicity is not Polish-Latina. Don't get me wrong - she absolutely still is Polish, by virtue of having a Polish mother who speaks Polish to her, and she absolutely still is Latina, by virtue of having a Latino father who speaks Spanish to her. Furthermore, she is American - that which unites the three of us. But to think that this last identity would take precedence over race, ethnicity, or culture is a bit naive.
Several months ago, Alex and I agreed that if the topic of conversation naturally presented an opportunity to share Maya's unique beginnings, we would matter-of-factly share. I had the chance to do just that with a new friend whose husband is Filipino. It made more sense for me to share this information with her than to go out of my way to hide it, since I was asking all sorts of questions about Filipino culture!
But there are other friends, both old and new, who don't yet know. Not because we're hiding it, but because we don't think of how she came to be in our family anymore. I don't want anyone to ever question how "real" our relationships to each other are. I don't know what I would do if someone said something like "does she know her 'real' parents". Would I cry? Would I curse? Would I start yelling or even lash out with a backhanded slap to the back of the accuser's head? I honestly don't think I could just calmly correct the person.
Quick aside. I was recently asked if I "just stay home" with my daughter. I tried to make light of the phrasing. As in, yeah, I don't really do anything much. But it didn't catch on and the person asked if I did anything before having Maya. I took the bait and responded that I taught ESL, and the moment was gone after that. But the implication was heavy and is still with me, though I don't think what I do is easy at all (hence the word "just").
Based on my lack of a witty yet polite reaction to the "just staying home" conversation, or the "she doesn't look like either of you" exchange, I can't say that I would know what the best way to respond would be to a "real parent/own child" interaction.
I think the best defense is offense, as counter intuitive as that may sound. I should probably test the waters one person at a time, until I am very comfortable sharing just enough but not too much information, so that I am prepared for the inevitable stranger comments and questions.
By the way, here's what I've come up with regarding any future comments about our family's resemblance to each other:
1. Yeah, I don't look like my mom either.
2. Really? You don't think? Everyone else says she's a spitting image of her dad!
3. No, she looks like herself.
4. I know, aren't genetics a fascinating phenomenon?
5.Well, she's all ours! I gave birth to her myself, naturally at home, even.
6. Why do you ask? What makes you say that?
I know too many ignorant people who do not censor their thoughts before they speak. Case in point. Last night we were getting our check at a restaurant when the waitress, looking at Maya, asked, "Who does she look like?" Awkward pause... "She doesn't look like either of you!"
Hmm, I chickened out and took the chance to focus on my daughter not spilling her drink so that I wouldn't have to address the waitress. Alex, luckily, responded with a vague truth that seemed to satisfy our rude inquirer, "She's got a little mix in her."
Apparently, as Maya gets older, she is growing more into her Filipino looks. To be honest, we both assumed that we could bank on her being mistaken for Hispanic and therefore, since Alex is Latino, not have to face these sort of questions. We've been getting comments about her beauty since the beginning, and I've had two different men ask me - when Alex wasn't with us - if she were "mine". Alex generally sailed by on their daddy-and-me escapades, until just this month.
Apparently, he recently got his first comment questioning where Maya gets her looks from. There was a guess that I - his wife - may be Chinese. He got the exact same comment from someone else just the day before the restaurant situation. So if even he's getting these comments now, we have to be proactively prepared to respond in a way that lets our daughter know 1) that she absolutely belongs in our family regardless of resemblance, and 2) what an appropriate response to such a nosy question would be if she ever gets asked something like this directly.
The other piece of the puzzle is that we do want to celebrate her British and Filipino ancestry. We want her to be proud of it, though to be honest, I don't know what that means. What does it mean to be proud of a group that you belong to? To be proud of the accomplishments of those who share your DNA? Your ethnicity? Your cultural history? Why is that something to be proud of? I'm not saying it's not, I'm just wondering what makes this phenomenon relevant in a person's life.
Regardless, we can no longer ignore that Maya's ethnicity is not Polish-Latina. Don't get me wrong - she absolutely still is Polish, by virtue of having a Polish mother who speaks Polish to her, and she absolutely still is Latina, by virtue of having a Latino father who speaks Spanish to her. Furthermore, she is American - that which unites the three of us. But to think that this last identity would take precedence over race, ethnicity, or culture is a bit naive.
Several months ago, Alex and I agreed that if the topic of conversation naturally presented an opportunity to share Maya's unique beginnings, we would matter-of-factly share. I had the chance to do just that with a new friend whose husband is Filipino. It made more sense for me to share this information with her than to go out of my way to hide it, since I was asking all sorts of questions about Filipino culture!
But there are other friends, both old and new, who don't yet know. Not because we're hiding it, but because we don't think of how she came to be in our family anymore. I don't want anyone to ever question how "real" our relationships to each other are. I don't know what I would do if someone said something like "does she know her 'real' parents". Would I cry? Would I curse? Would I start yelling or even lash out with a backhanded slap to the back of the accuser's head? I honestly don't think I could just calmly correct the person.
Quick aside. I was recently asked if I "just stay home" with my daughter. I tried to make light of the phrasing. As in, yeah, I don't really do anything much. But it didn't catch on and the person asked if I did anything before having Maya. I took the bait and responded that I taught ESL, and the moment was gone after that. But the implication was heavy and is still with me, though I don't think what I do is easy at all (hence the word "just").
Based on my lack of a witty yet polite reaction to the "just staying home" conversation, or the "she doesn't look like either of you" exchange, I can't say that I would know what the best way to respond would be to a "real parent/own child" interaction.
I think the best defense is offense, as counter intuitive as that may sound. I should probably test the waters one person at a time, until I am very comfortable sharing just enough but not too much information, so that I am prepared for the inevitable stranger comments and questions.
By the way, here's what I've come up with regarding any future comments about our family's resemblance to each other:
1. Yeah, I don't look like my mom either.
2. Really? You don't think? Everyone else says she's a spitting image of her dad!
3. No, she looks like herself.
4. I know, aren't genetics a fascinating phenomenon?
5.Well, she's all ours! I gave birth to her myself, naturally at home, even.
6. Why do you ask? What makes you say that?
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Authentic Life
From Oprah, to Dr. Phil, to the myriad of self-help books and motivational speakers, clearly people are searching not just for spiritual truth, but for that je ne sais quoi that would bring meaning to one's life. That life's purpose may or may not be tied to one's religious convictions, but it's a well in need of filling in many people's lives.
I'm no exception. I dare say, however, that I'm a lot closer to fulfilling that longing than many, at least in the Western world. Now, to say that I'm closer simply means that I have a vague idea of what it would take for me to be fully at peace and content with my life, not that I've already arrived at such a state of mind.
For starters, I realize that it's a state of mind. Happiness is something I have to make up my mind to be. I have some ideas as to where I see myself in 5-10 years, but while I'm working on that plan, I have to be satisfied with good enough for the time being.
Here's how the following are playing into my leading a fulfilling life.
DEISM
I recently embraced the fact that when it comes to my spiritual-religious beliefs, I'm a deist. I believe in a creator-God, and I believe in some form of life after death. I am content with this minimal level of knowledge and belief. It gives me great pleasure and satisfaction to think of worship as anything that involves being in awe of God's great masterpieces, both in nature and via human ingenuity (which comes from God, imho). I no longer worry about doing things to please religious "authority" figures, or even others who walk around holier-than-thou. I do the best I can, and when I stumble, I pick myself up and drive on. I no longer feel the incessant need to try to figure out the inner workings of the universe, and it's soooo freeing!
MINIMALISM
I see this as a work in progress, but boy have we gotten to a point where I'm really starting to see the potential, which is only motivating me to keep it going. I've pared down my wardrobe, donated hundreds of books, and have had an ongoing plastic bin that we keep filling with various items from around the house that we decide are not essential to our joy. With every trip to Goodwill (and recently even a few items sold on Craigslist!), I can actually feel my home environment expanding to bring to the surface further items that need not be collecting dust any longer. I hope to be in a place of maintenance by the time we get settled in our new home, which we expect to be sometime in the next year.
ATTACHMENT PARENTING
It has given me great pleasure and fulfillment to focus so intensely on my relationship with my daughter over the past year and some change. Now that she's a toddler, it's a bit challenging to juggle her continued need - and my continued desire - to keep our attachment to each other strong and secure, and to help her along the way of independence, as is my role as her mother. We are moving ever so slowly towards gentle discipline (as in instructing and guiding, NOT punishment), while still enjoying the AP basics of breastfeeding, cosleeping, and baby-wearing.
HOMESCHOOLING
We technically have several more years of parenting before we add homeschooling to our official repertoire of responsibilities, but since I take a long time to adjust to anything, I'm liking the idea of slowly introducing aspects of preschool activities into our daily routine. I'm researching age-appropriate developmental milestones and how to best encourage them, and I'm trying out different ways to give Maya the opportunity to explore the world around her in new and interesting ways. My biggest challenge will be to establish some sort of regular contact with other children, but that is on my horizon, along with daily (at least every other day!) time in the great outdoors.
GREEN LIVING
I feel as though we've fallen off the wagon a little in our time living in an apartment, but that's mainly because we aren't currently composting. We still always have more recycling than trash to take out, and we always consider reusing what we already have before purchasing something new. This also works well with our minimalist aspirations. But more than that, I absolutely love line-drying our laundry, as it brings back lovely memories of my own childhood and gives Maya a way to help me out, even at such a young age of 13 months! Next on my agenda is completely eliminating store-bought cleaning supplies and focusing on baking soda, vinegar, and whatever other natural ingredients I can use to make my own concoctions. I'm not there yet. What's even more urgent is starting to grow some of our own edibles. I've never had a green thumb, and as much as I hate to waste (both money, time, and stuff), I don't like to take risks with growing something I'm afraid will only end up in the garbage. But it's on my list.
RECONNECTING WITH HUBBY
Our marriage has taken a back seat since the birth of Maya. Yet to Alex's credit, he has never once held it against me or complained about coming second in my life. He understands that this is a phase of life, and that he had 15 years of just me-and-him time, and once Maya is a little more independent and will enjoy spending time alone or with friends, we'll have our time back. It takes a real secure man to be able to put his own needs on hold while his daughter is getting her needs met. This is only a testament to my good taste ;) But seriously, when I look to the future, I see us together, as Alex said on our first date at the Post Exchange, "Just you and me, babe, on top of the world!" Only now we'll also have our little Maya the bee to bring smiles to our faces.
So, how do I envision this authentic life that I'm working towards?
For starters, we need to move. We need to live somewhere where the cost of living is drastically lower, and the pace of life is much slower. While we are blessed that Alex no longer has to work more than the usual 40 hour week in order to support our lifestyle, it is still not ideal. And that's what I'm talking about here - the ideal. I feel best after a nice weekend spent just the three of us, and truly, what I want for us is to be able to bring that level of closeness and togetherness to at least 50% of our weekly life. Perhaps an online business or if I ever get around to selling my books (and writing more), or better yet, passive income in the form of real estate. There is no reason that only those who are currently rich should be the only ones to enjoy the time that affords them with their loved ones and pursuing their passions. But the truth is that it takes money to make money, and so we find ourselves in that stage of the planning.
For the longest time, we've talked about "early retirement", but that was only because we couldn't imagine working at our jobs forever. But what if the activities for which we get paid aren't drudgery at all? Then there's no reason to stop and "retire"! So with that definition in mind, we have just over 10 years to get all of our ducks in a row and get to a place where we can be living the life we've dreamed of.
That life includes travel, or perhaps just living abroad where we feel we're on vacation! A Mediterranean climate is a must for that to happen! This is why homeschooling is a no-brainer for us. Well, it's one of the reasons. We are not going to be slaves to the school system's schedule for living our lives. There's only that pesky question of income sufficient to support our lifestyle (which by no means is to be extravagant. We don't want a big house - we actually are having a real hard time finding something as small as we'd prefer! We don't care about the latest electronic gadgets (well, maybe Alex a little, but even he is reasonable in that department). And while I know I mentioned travel as an ideal, I also realize that this takes money, which is why I suggested settling in a vacation-like destination. (No, not Florida, btw!)
That authentic life that I envision involves lots of nature, but still close to civilization. A moderate climate with four seasons is fine, but a year-round summer would be ok too if it didn't involve excessive humidity. Being able to not only have wonderful, breathtaking views, both from our windows and just from a short distance down the street, but also being able to actually be in that nature, to feel a part of it, to touch the natural world without taking anything but photographs and leaving nothing but footprints! Listening to the silence, or the waves crashing against the shore, or the wind in the branches, birds singing. A life conducive to meditation would be ideal for me.
For Alex, a social life would be ideal. The ability to have shops and bars and restaurants just a short drive - if not walk! - from home. Being able to enjoy the nightlife - not in the form of late-night drunken fests, but by watching a town come alive when the sun goes down. You meet different people at different times of the day, and we like to keep it diverse!
To be honest, as I'm writing this, Andalucia, Spain comes to mind. We only visited there once, for our honeymoon a decade ago, and yet.... either Spain or a place just like it!
The ideal way we envision getting to our dream is by first establishing passive income from a rental property, which would ease our worries over finding work at our destination right away. To get there, we must first be completely in the black in our finances. We still have my student loans to pay off, and we're about to take on paying for Alex's going back to college. The latter is a must to open up opportunities for him to be able to find work similar to what he's doing now but outside the government. So while he's in school, we won't be able to pay off my loans completely.
We were hoping to get into a mortgage with a monthly payment that is several hundred dollars per month less than what we're paying in rent at our apartment, but alas, this isn't looking as promising as we had hoped. The homes that are newly renovated, or even just simply move-in ready, tend to be in really crappy neighborhoods - dirty, with shady characters loitering on the streets, bars in people's windows also tell me crime is a concern. On the other hand, the good neighborhoods are full of homes that need a lot of work - read money - before they can really be considered livable. And I watch House Hunters - we are not being too picky. We don't care about the color of the paint on the walls or if the kitchen appliances are outdated. We do care about water damage or lead paint though!
That is, if we strictly stick to the budget we set out for ourselves, which would allow us $300+ monthly savings, leading to a quick (6-7 years) pay off of my student loans. But as I said, alas, it is not meant to be. We have to make a lateral move if we are going to get the ball rolling on that rental property. It makes no sense to be throwing money away by renting if we could be working - albeit slowly - towards paying down a mortgage.
In the meantime, we will be able to truly make our surroundings our own. I miss the color walls we had in our house. I hate the popcorn ceiling AND WALLS that we have now! And while I absolutely love our one-level living and specifically the layout here, it's a pain to go for a walk down the stairs with a stroller (so I almost always wear Maya in a carrier, but there have been times when my back wouldn't allow it, or we were walking to the farmer's market and I needed the stroller to do the heavy lifting of the groceries). Even when driving for groceries, carrying them and Maya at the same time up a flight of stairs is getting old. Yet would I really want to live in a ground-level unit, where there's so much traffic from cars parking and people walking that I'd never be able to have my window shades open? No privacy and I wouldn't feel very safe either.
And so, our journey must start even under less than ideal circumstances. We are working to pay off all of our debt (like I said, we only have my student loans at this time, and we'll be adding a mortgage), so that we can begin to live in a way that will feel like living, not just surviving from day to day. And - this is very important - as our parents enabled for us by the sacrifices they made, so too we must continue to pass on economic wisdom to Maya to make sure she doesn't make the mistakes we made in our early adulthood by incurring unnecessary debt. (I consider most of my student loans as unnecessary debt as well. But that's another topic.)
I'm looking forward to this change. I think it will be in the right direction.
I'm no exception. I dare say, however, that I'm a lot closer to fulfilling that longing than many, at least in the Western world. Now, to say that I'm closer simply means that I have a vague idea of what it would take for me to be fully at peace and content with my life, not that I've already arrived at such a state of mind.
For starters, I realize that it's a state of mind. Happiness is something I have to make up my mind to be. I have some ideas as to where I see myself in 5-10 years, but while I'm working on that plan, I have to be satisfied with good enough for the time being.
Here's how the following are playing into my leading a fulfilling life.
DEISM
I recently embraced the fact that when it comes to my spiritual-religious beliefs, I'm a deist. I believe in a creator-God, and I believe in some form of life after death. I am content with this minimal level of knowledge and belief. It gives me great pleasure and satisfaction to think of worship as anything that involves being in awe of God's great masterpieces, both in nature and via human ingenuity (which comes from God, imho). I no longer worry about doing things to please religious "authority" figures, or even others who walk around holier-than-thou. I do the best I can, and when I stumble, I pick myself up and drive on. I no longer feel the incessant need to try to figure out the inner workings of the universe, and it's soooo freeing!
MINIMALISM
I see this as a work in progress, but boy have we gotten to a point where I'm really starting to see the potential, which is only motivating me to keep it going. I've pared down my wardrobe, donated hundreds of books, and have had an ongoing plastic bin that we keep filling with various items from around the house that we decide are not essential to our joy. With every trip to Goodwill (and recently even a few items sold on Craigslist!), I can actually feel my home environment expanding to bring to the surface further items that need not be collecting dust any longer. I hope to be in a place of maintenance by the time we get settled in our new home, which we expect to be sometime in the next year.
ATTACHMENT PARENTING
It has given me great pleasure and fulfillment to focus so intensely on my relationship with my daughter over the past year and some change. Now that she's a toddler, it's a bit challenging to juggle her continued need - and my continued desire - to keep our attachment to each other strong and secure, and to help her along the way of independence, as is my role as her mother. We are moving ever so slowly towards gentle discipline (as in instructing and guiding, NOT punishment), while still enjoying the AP basics of breastfeeding, cosleeping, and baby-wearing.
HOMESCHOOLING
We technically have several more years of parenting before we add homeschooling to our official repertoire of responsibilities, but since I take a long time to adjust to anything, I'm liking the idea of slowly introducing aspects of preschool activities into our daily routine. I'm researching age-appropriate developmental milestones and how to best encourage them, and I'm trying out different ways to give Maya the opportunity to explore the world around her in new and interesting ways. My biggest challenge will be to establish some sort of regular contact with other children, but that is on my horizon, along with daily (at least every other day!) time in the great outdoors.
GREEN LIVING
I feel as though we've fallen off the wagon a little in our time living in an apartment, but that's mainly because we aren't currently composting. We still always have more recycling than trash to take out, and we always consider reusing what we already have before purchasing something new. This also works well with our minimalist aspirations. But more than that, I absolutely love line-drying our laundry, as it brings back lovely memories of my own childhood and gives Maya a way to help me out, even at such a young age of 13 months! Next on my agenda is completely eliminating store-bought cleaning supplies and focusing on baking soda, vinegar, and whatever other natural ingredients I can use to make my own concoctions. I'm not there yet. What's even more urgent is starting to grow some of our own edibles. I've never had a green thumb, and as much as I hate to waste (both money, time, and stuff), I don't like to take risks with growing something I'm afraid will only end up in the garbage. But it's on my list.
RECONNECTING WITH HUBBY
Our marriage has taken a back seat since the birth of Maya. Yet to Alex's credit, he has never once held it against me or complained about coming second in my life. He understands that this is a phase of life, and that he had 15 years of just me-and-him time, and once Maya is a little more independent and will enjoy spending time alone or with friends, we'll have our time back. It takes a real secure man to be able to put his own needs on hold while his daughter is getting her needs met. This is only a testament to my good taste ;) But seriously, when I look to the future, I see us together, as Alex said on our first date at the Post Exchange, "Just you and me, babe, on top of the world!" Only now we'll also have our little Maya the bee to bring smiles to our faces.
So, how do I envision this authentic life that I'm working towards?
For starters, we need to move. We need to live somewhere where the cost of living is drastically lower, and the pace of life is much slower. While we are blessed that Alex no longer has to work more than the usual 40 hour week in order to support our lifestyle, it is still not ideal. And that's what I'm talking about here - the ideal. I feel best after a nice weekend spent just the three of us, and truly, what I want for us is to be able to bring that level of closeness and togetherness to at least 50% of our weekly life. Perhaps an online business or if I ever get around to selling my books (and writing more), or better yet, passive income in the form of real estate. There is no reason that only those who are currently rich should be the only ones to enjoy the time that affords them with their loved ones and pursuing their passions. But the truth is that it takes money to make money, and so we find ourselves in that stage of the planning.
For the longest time, we've talked about "early retirement", but that was only because we couldn't imagine working at our jobs forever. But what if the activities for which we get paid aren't drudgery at all? Then there's no reason to stop and "retire"! So with that definition in mind, we have just over 10 years to get all of our ducks in a row and get to a place where we can be living the life we've dreamed of.
That life includes travel, or perhaps just living abroad where we feel we're on vacation! A Mediterranean climate is a must for that to happen! This is why homeschooling is a no-brainer for us. Well, it's one of the reasons. We are not going to be slaves to the school system's schedule for living our lives. There's only that pesky question of income sufficient to support our lifestyle (which by no means is to be extravagant. We don't want a big house - we actually are having a real hard time finding something as small as we'd prefer! We don't care about the latest electronic gadgets (well, maybe Alex a little, but even he is reasonable in that department). And while I know I mentioned travel as an ideal, I also realize that this takes money, which is why I suggested settling in a vacation-like destination. (No, not Florida, btw!)
That authentic life that I envision involves lots of nature, but still close to civilization. A moderate climate with four seasons is fine, but a year-round summer would be ok too if it didn't involve excessive humidity. Being able to not only have wonderful, breathtaking views, both from our windows and just from a short distance down the street, but also being able to actually be in that nature, to feel a part of it, to touch the natural world without taking anything but photographs and leaving nothing but footprints! Listening to the silence, or the waves crashing against the shore, or the wind in the branches, birds singing. A life conducive to meditation would be ideal for me.
For Alex, a social life would be ideal. The ability to have shops and bars and restaurants just a short drive - if not walk! - from home. Being able to enjoy the nightlife - not in the form of late-night drunken fests, but by watching a town come alive when the sun goes down. You meet different people at different times of the day, and we like to keep it diverse!
To be honest, as I'm writing this, Andalucia, Spain comes to mind. We only visited there once, for our honeymoon a decade ago, and yet.... either Spain or a place just like it!
The ideal way we envision getting to our dream is by first establishing passive income from a rental property, which would ease our worries over finding work at our destination right away. To get there, we must first be completely in the black in our finances. We still have my student loans to pay off, and we're about to take on paying for Alex's going back to college. The latter is a must to open up opportunities for him to be able to find work similar to what he's doing now but outside the government. So while he's in school, we won't be able to pay off my loans completely.
We were hoping to get into a mortgage with a monthly payment that is several hundred dollars per month less than what we're paying in rent at our apartment, but alas, this isn't looking as promising as we had hoped. The homes that are newly renovated, or even just simply move-in ready, tend to be in really crappy neighborhoods - dirty, with shady characters loitering on the streets, bars in people's windows also tell me crime is a concern. On the other hand, the good neighborhoods are full of homes that need a lot of work - read money - before they can really be considered livable. And I watch House Hunters - we are not being too picky. We don't care about the color of the paint on the walls or if the kitchen appliances are outdated. We do care about water damage or lead paint though!
That is, if we strictly stick to the budget we set out for ourselves, which would allow us $300+ monthly savings, leading to a quick (6-7 years) pay off of my student loans. But as I said, alas, it is not meant to be. We have to make a lateral move if we are going to get the ball rolling on that rental property. It makes no sense to be throwing money away by renting if we could be working - albeit slowly - towards paying down a mortgage.
In the meantime, we will be able to truly make our surroundings our own. I miss the color walls we had in our house. I hate the popcorn ceiling AND WALLS that we have now! And while I absolutely love our one-level living and specifically the layout here, it's a pain to go for a walk down the stairs with a stroller (so I almost always wear Maya in a carrier, but there have been times when my back wouldn't allow it, or we were walking to the farmer's market and I needed the stroller to do the heavy lifting of the groceries). Even when driving for groceries, carrying them and Maya at the same time up a flight of stairs is getting old. Yet would I really want to live in a ground-level unit, where there's so much traffic from cars parking and people walking that I'd never be able to have my window shades open? No privacy and I wouldn't feel very safe either.
And so, our journey must start even under less than ideal circumstances. We are working to pay off all of our debt (like I said, we only have my student loans at this time, and we'll be adding a mortgage), so that we can begin to live in a way that will feel like living, not just surviving from day to day. And - this is very important - as our parents enabled for us by the sacrifices they made, so too we must continue to pass on economic wisdom to Maya to make sure she doesn't make the mistakes we made in our early adulthood by incurring unnecessary debt. (I consider most of my student loans as unnecessary debt as well. But that's another topic.)
I'm looking forward to this change. I think it will be in the right direction.
Staying at Home to Parent Full-Time
Let me cut straight to the chase. The number one reason I wanted to stay home with Maya was because, after 10 years of marriage and our long struggle to become parents, I couldn't imagine doing all of that, going through all we went through, so that I could be a part-time mom. I understand that this isn't a choice for some people, but when we looked at our circumstances, it did make financial sense in addition to my desire to give my all to my baby, 24/7. The idea that I should continue to work outside the home so that I could then turn around and give my entire income to child care providers who would be raising my daughter while I was working, well, it just sounded ludicrous. I wanted to be a mom. I did not want a child for the sake of having an accessory. I'm sorry, but I see too much of that everywhere I turn. People having kids just because that's what you "do" at a certain age or stage in your life, or worse, in an attempt to make yourself feel grown-up (for teen moms) or to try to coerce a man (the baby's daddy) to stay with you.
Ok, so I actually wanted - and still do - to spend my time with Maya. I have chosen to put my other interests aside to make room for Maya in my life. I strongly disagree with the parenting advice that states that we ought to try to make the baby fit into our life, since the baby is the newcomer. Um, that's like saying to newlyweds that they need to get their spouse to fit into their bachelor/ette life. No, when you get married, your life changes. It's supposed to. And when you become a parent, your life changes, and it's supposed to. If your career is more important than family life, then don't have kids. It's that simple. Nowadays, this is a valid choice. If you're not going to give parenting your all, then don't do it half-ass. Your child deserves better.
Now, I'm not saying that I am the perfect mother, because that's insane. It's impossible to do everything right all the time. However, I am saying that my priority at this point in my life is my daughter and not myself. To that end, I am doing everything in my power, to the best of my abilities, to give her the best start in life. That's not to say that other parents don't have the same mindset while going about it completely differently. Again, everyone's circumstances are different. But for me, staying home full time is how I'm trying to provide the best start in life for my daughter.
For one thing, attachment is the foundation of all of her future relationships. During her critical infant and toddler years, she needs to develop a secure attachment to her primary caretakers (her dad and me), so that she can learn to trust, and so that she can learn what a healthy relationship is all about. She cannot have a strong attachment to someone who doesn't spend significant time with her.
Also, we are raising Maya in a multilingual household. Especially with Polish, it would be very difficult for her to have sufficient exposure to the language if she didn't hear it from me all day long.
Finally, there are various values that Alex and I hope to pass on to her that we know are not shared by the mainstream. It would be very difficult to find child care providers who were equally passionate about the environment, for a start. I know of none that would be willing to cloth diaper or practice elimination communication with her.
And so, with Maya's best interest in mind, Alex and I decided for me to stay home full time while we moved across the state line and downsized our townhome to a one bedroom with den apartment. This way, Alex's commute time is drastically cut, and he is able to spend significant time with Maya every day after work. He also changed positions so that he wouldn't be required to travel regularly the way he used to. This choice came at a price. We are not near our families. It's a big hassle to go see them, and they rarely if ever come to see us. Still, with all due respect, it was more important for Maya to have her parents available than to see her extended family on a regular basis. I wish she'd have been able to get the benefit of both, but our circumstances did not allow that.
After over a year of staying home full time with Maya, the fog of postpartum anxiety finally having lifted, I'm starting to see our arrangement in a more balanced way. In other words, there are pros and cons. Just the same, it doesn't change my mind about us having made the best decision for our family. It does, however, prompt me to consider ways to address the cons so that they don't interfere with the overall pros. But that's for another time.
Ok, so I actually wanted - and still do - to spend my time with Maya. I have chosen to put my other interests aside to make room for Maya in my life. I strongly disagree with the parenting advice that states that we ought to try to make the baby fit into our life, since the baby is the newcomer. Um, that's like saying to newlyweds that they need to get their spouse to fit into their bachelor/ette life. No, when you get married, your life changes. It's supposed to. And when you become a parent, your life changes, and it's supposed to. If your career is more important than family life, then don't have kids. It's that simple. Nowadays, this is a valid choice. If you're not going to give parenting your all, then don't do it half-ass. Your child deserves better.
Now, I'm not saying that I am the perfect mother, because that's insane. It's impossible to do everything right all the time. However, I am saying that my priority at this point in my life is my daughter and not myself. To that end, I am doing everything in my power, to the best of my abilities, to give her the best start in life. That's not to say that other parents don't have the same mindset while going about it completely differently. Again, everyone's circumstances are different. But for me, staying home full time is how I'm trying to provide the best start in life for my daughter.
For one thing, attachment is the foundation of all of her future relationships. During her critical infant and toddler years, she needs to develop a secure attachment to her primary caretakers (her dad and me), so that she can learn to trust, and so that she can learn what a healthy relationship is all about. She cannot have a strong attachment to someone who doesn't spend significant time with her.
Also, we are raising Maya in a multilingual household. Especially with Polish, it would be very difficult for her to have sufficient exposure to the language if she didn't hear it from me all day long.
Finally, there are various values that Alex and I hope to pass on to her that we know are not shared by the mainstream. It would be very difficult to find child care providers who were equally passionate about the environment, for a start. I know of none that would be willing to cloth diaper or practice elimination communication with her.
And so, with Maya's best interest in mind, Alex and I decided for me to stay home full time while we moved across the state line and downsized our townhome to a one bedroom with den apartment. This way, Alex's commute time is drastically cut, and he is able to spend significant time with Maya every day after work. He also changed positions so that he wouldn't be required to travel regularly the way he used to. This choice came at a price. We are not near our families. It's a big hassle to go see them, and they rarely if ever come to see us. Still, with all due respect, it was more important for Maya to have her parents available than to see her extended family on a regular basis. I wish she'd have been able to get the benefit of both, but our circumstances did not allow that.
After over a year of staying home full time with Maya, the fog of postpartum anxiety finally having lifted, I'm starting to see our arrangement in a more balanced way. In other words, there are pros and cons. Just the same, it doesn't change my mind about us having made the best decision for our family. It does, however, prompt me to consider ways to address the cons so that they don't interfere with the overall pros. But that's for another time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)