I must be autistic!

If there were such a thing as "coming out" as autistic, I would probably say that is what this post is all about.  I have been suspecting ASD for several years now, off and on.  Most recently, it came to the point where I finally decided to get evaluated and as I waited for my evaluation, I joined an online group for autistic women and mothers of autistic girls.  I learned so much through that group and the various resources they referred me to! Chief among the things I learned was that there are so many different ways to "present" as autistic!  

[Reminds me of the gender conversation being had in society today; there are many different ways to be a woman or a man.  Even outside of transgender/nonbinary presentation.  There are so many different ways that cis women, for instance, present their femininity to the world.  Some are stereotypical based on the culture under whose influence they live.  Others are more androgenous to varying degrees.  Women come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, personalities, with different talents, interests, and struggles in life.  What's another dimension (in the form of transwomen)?  But I digress.]

The line I kept reading about finally got internalized: "if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person."  What this means to me today is that I cannot compare myself to other autistics in an effort to gauge if I am somehow "autistic enough" to warrant the label.  

Somene in my online group broke it down for me like this: "Lack of eye contact, anxiety based stimming, speech difficulties are not 'traits' of autism.  They are symptoms of autistics who are overwhelmed." Whoa!  

What this means is that while yes, for some autistics, they will visibly struggle with eye contact, anxiety, communication, etc, this isn't what makes them autistic.  There is something underneath, the way their brains are wired, that leads to this manner of expression when the person is under excessive stress.  Now, excessive stress is a relative term, and different people have different thresholds for stress, so it would be too simplistic to simply say that if we remove all possible stressors from an autistic's life, they will no longer present with the more stereotypical behaviors that we associate with autism.  Rather, it means that we need to look beyond the external presentation and acknowledge that there is a differen neurology going on that will in effect have different results from those of a neurotypical brain.  For better or for worse.

So, what does it mean to have an autistically wired brain?  Not, "what does it look like", but "what does it mean"?  It means that we experience the world through a different lense than those with a neurotypical wiring.  And our inner experiences are going to manifest in external behaviors in one way or another, some more socially acceptable than others.  

For instance, we all experience pain through our various senses.  However, what is considered a painful trigger will differ between a neurotypical person and a neurodivergent person.  Neurotypical people would respond to a stimuli as painful if it were something the majority of people accept as "obviously" painful - a blow with a hard item, or a cut of the skin, or boiling hot water, etc.  We would not, however, describe more "mundane" experiences as painful: an annoying tag in a t-shirt, the thudding of bass from a neighbor's radio, a puff of air from the covers being pulled down quickly around one's face.  But for those of us with hypersensitivities, these can be experienced in the same way (painfully) as the more obvious stimulii. 

Likewise, we all go through moments of insecurity, self-consciousness, or anxiety.  Maybe when we're handing the keys to the car to our teenager for the first time, or before doing kareoke on a dare, or after a questionable haircut.  But generally speaking, neurotypical people can get through it, and even laugh about it afterwards.  Neurodivergent people, on the other hand, may go straight into panic mode if a random stranger asks them for the time at the bus stop, or if they have to make a phone call to inquire about something, or when a well-meaning group wants to welcome you as the newcomer by asking you to stand up and introduce yourself.  We may feel like we're about to jump off a cliff, and freeze, unable to think, much less say anything.

We all have days when we feel like we have "two left feet" or like we "woke up on the wrong side of the bed".  We want a do-over because things aren't going as planned.  For neurotypical people, they are generally able to do just that - hit the metaphorical reset button, and try again.  But for a neurodivergent person, realizing that they can't figure out how to combine the ingredients in their refrigerator, freezer, and pantry into a meal can bring them to tears.  Being forced to work a new update on their email address can feel like the world is out to get them and they "can't do anything right."  

No one likes to be disappointed when they were looking forward to something.  Neurotypical people may sigh, roll their eyes, and make a sarcastic comment as they recalibrate what they were doing to accomodate the change.  Neurodivergent people may completely lose their train of thought and be unable to pick up where they left off without starting all over again, if at all.

Neurotypical people often tap their pencil on the desk during a test, or shake their leg when they're sitting waiting for something.  Neurodivergent people may flap their hands or rock instead.

I could go on but will stop here.  If it's a matter of describing the quirky ways that my brain is wired, then there isn't a better explanation than this: I must be autistic.

How I Experience God

How I Experience God

1. doing good/making a difference in the world (causes: environment, immigration, poverty, health, education)

2. singing/music

3. being surrounded by Creation in nature

4. being inspired or motivated to grow and become a better version of myself (cultivating virtues, self-help with healthy boundaries and self-esteem, working on my body via exercise and nutrition)

5. learning about the world around us (science, history, anthropology, languages...)

6. feeling a sense of connection to people in other times and places (tradition and ritual, though my two homebirths did the same thing)

It seems that the only one of the above that I would need conventional organized religion for is #6.  And since I have experienced that sense most acutely outside of the context of religion (by giving birth at home and having a keen sense of connection to the countless women who likewise gave birth before me and who continue to give birth around the world), then there must be other ways that I can find a sense of connection to other people.  Perhaps through tradition and ritual that isn't tied to religion.  National traditions? Universally human "traditions"? (What do most people tend to do?  What have they tended to do throughout history?  Romantic love, parental love, coming of age, experiencing beauty, practicing goodness via altruism, challenging ourselves physically/mentally, laughter, pursuit of truth/knowledge/wisdom...)

What would my own religion look like?

 If I were to start my own alternative-to-religion group, what would it look like?

For starters, while it would be an alternative to religion, it wouldn't be an alternative to "belief-in-Godism."  We wouldn't demand a belief in God, but we would not try to hide it, either.  We would assume God's existence, and this would come across in some of the wording of our talks and songs, perhaps.

We would include music.  Classical, chant, drumming, select Gospel and Christian rock, global folk music, etc.

We would read from Wisdom books for inspiration.  Wisdom books would include selections such as the Psalms and Proverbs and Isaiah from the Hebrew Bible, selections from the New Testament, the Tao Te Ching, the Bhagavad Gita, the Greco-Roman clasical literature, great thinkers of the Renaisance, Indigenous Lore, etc.

We would pick a theme and focus our reading, music, and talk on it.  We would tie the theme to some practical application in our daily lives. Sometimes these applications would focus on self-improvement, other times they would focus on serving the community.

We would break into small groups based on more specific interests and goals.  Perhaps there is a need for a group that brings prolifers and prochoicers together to struggle in a spirit of wanting to reach a common goal - decreasing the number of abortions being saught.

I have to stop here and point out that as I was writing the above paragraphs, the ideas started to sound familiar and then I realized there already exists a place like this, and it's called the Unitarian Universalist Church!

I've struggled with UU because they are quite liberal in their approach to social justice, and I am much more moderate.  I especially struggle with the issue of abortion.  I have never been able to bring myself to join a place that officially supports abortion on demand, no questions asked.  But below are the UU principles (as opposed to a creed) that serve to unify UUs.

1st Principle: The inherent worth and dignity of every person;

2nd Principle: Justice, equity and compassion in human relations; 

3rd Principle: Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;

4th Principle: A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;

5th Principle: The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;  (*I imagine this is where the abortion issue breaks down for me.  I'm still struggling here, because I know it's not as simple as "make it illegal" and voila! The problem goes away.  I'd have to say the problem isn't abortion.  The problem is unplanned and difficult pregnancies. I think there's some common ground that can be had here between prolifers and prochoicers, but so far I see the two sides yelling past each other.)u

6th Principle: The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;

7th Principle: Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Right now, the liberal left is pro-BLM and pro-choice in abortion without limitations, as well as pro-transgender umbrella issues, which are varied in themselves.  So I worry about the perfect fit, but I think I'm ready to try something different, bc my current situation in a Catholic environment isn't a perfect fit either.  And while I may disagree with them on the literal nature of our common Scriptures, various church laws that limit personal freedom (all male celibate priesthood, no birth control, divorce frowned upon, etc.), I do seem to agree that chastity has a place in a healthy society.  However, even that I'm currently trying to unpack.  (See post on Chastity and Modesty, forthcoming.)

But when I think about which environment I'd prefer to raise my children in.... I want my kids to see women in positions of leadership, including the priesthood/pastorship.  I want them to see same sex couples with children, people who do not conform to gendered stereotypes, people from various walks of life.  In a Catholic setting, that diversity would most likely be in the form of ethnicity and income, if just the right church is found.  In a UU setting, most likely that diversity would instead come in the form of a variety of though and belief, and alternative lifestyles.  We'll probably need to alternate Sundays to get the full effect of what I'm going for here.  A piece-meal effort, in a way.  A hodgepodge approach.  Certainly no such thing as a one-size-fits-all.