If there were such a thing as "coming out" as autistic, I would probably say that is what this post is all about. I have been suspecting ASD for several years now, off and on. Most recently, it came to the point where I finally decided to get evaluated and as I waited for my evaluation, I joined an online group for autistic women and mothers of autistic girls. I learned so much through that group and the various resources they referred me to! Chief among the things I learned was that there are so many different ways to "present" as autistic!
[Reminds me of the gender conversation being had in society today; there are many different ways to be a woman or a man. Even outside of transgender/nonbinary presentation. There are so many different ways that cis women, for instance, present their femininity to the world. Some are stereotypical based on the culture under whose influence they live. Others are more androgenous to varying degrees. Women come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, personalities, with different talents, interests, and struggles in life. What's another dimension (in the form of transwomen)? But I digress.]
The line I kept reading about finally got internalized: "if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person." What this means to me today is that I cannot compare myself to other autistics in an effort to gauge if I am somehow "autistic enough" to warrant the label.
Somene in my online group broke it down for me like this: "Lack of eye contact, anxiety based stimming, speech difficulties are not 'traits' of autism. They are symptoms of autistics who are overwhelmed." Whoa!
What this means is that while yes, for some autistics, they will visibly struggle with eye contact, anxiety, communication, etc, this isn't what makes them autistic. There is something underneath, the way their brains are wired, that leads to this manner of expression when the person is under excessive stress. Now, excessive stress is a relative term, and different people have different thresholds for stress, so it would be too simplistic to simply say that if we remove all possible stressors from an autistic's life, they will no longer present with the more stereotypical behaviors that we associate with autism. Rather, it means that we need to look beyond the external presentation and acknowledge that there is a differen neurology going on that will in effect have different results from those of a neurotypical brain. For better or for worse.
So, what does it mean to have an autistically wired brain? Not, "what does it look like", but "what does it mean"? It means that we experience the world through a different lense than those with a neurotypical wiring. And our inner experiences are going to manifest in external behaviors in one way or another, some more socially acceptable than others.
For instance, we all experience pain through our various senses. However, what is considered a painful trigger will differ between a neurotypical person and a neurodivergent person. Neurotypical people would respond to a stimuli as painful if it were something the majority of people accept as "obviously" painful - a blow with a hard item, or a cut of the skin, or boiling hot water, etc. We would not, however, describe more "mundane" experiences as painful: an annoying tag in a t-shirt, the thudding of bass from a neighbor's radio, a puff of air from the covers being pulled down quickly around one's face. But for those of us with hypersensitivities, these can be experienced in the same way (painfully) as the more obvious stimulii.
Likewise, we all go through moments of insecurity, self-consciousness, or anxiety. Maybe when we're handing the keys to the car to our teenager for the first time, or before doing kareoke on a dare, or after a questionable haircut. But generally speaking, neurotypical people can get through it, and even laugh about it afterwards. Neurodivergent people, on the other hand, may go straight into panic mode if a random stranger asks them for the time at the bus stop, or if they have to make a phone call to inquire about something, or when a well-meaning group wants to welcome you as the newcomer by asking you to stand up and introduce yourself. We may feel like we're about to jump off a cliff, and freeze, unable to think, much less say anything.
We all have days when we feel like we have "two left feet" or like we "woke up on the wrong side of the bed". We want a do-over because things aren't going as planned. For neurotypical people, they are generally able to do just that - hit the metaphorical reset button, and try again. But for a neurodivergent person, realizing that they can't figure out how to combine the ingredients in their refrigerator, freezer, and pantry into a meal can bring them to tears. Being forced to work a new update on their email address can feel like the world is out to get them and they "can't do anything right."
No one likes to be disappointed when they were looking forward to something. Neurotypical people may sigh, roll their eyes, and make a sarcastic comment as they recalibrate what they were doing to accomodate the change. Neurodivergent people may completely lose their train of thought and be unable to pick up where they left off without starting all over again, if at all.
Neurotypical people often tap their pencil on the desk during a test, or shake their leg when they're sitting waiting for something. Neurodivergent people may flap their hands or rock instead.
I could go on but will stop here. If it's a matter of describing the quirky ways that my brain is wired, then there isn't a better explanation than this: I must be autistic.
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