Pro-Life but Not Celebrating

I consider myself Pro-Life, but I would not use the word "celebrate" to describe how I feel about the recent SCOTUS decision.

Some of these babies that were going to be aborted will now be born to resentful mothers who didn't want to give birth to them in the first place. Consider for one moment what that does to the mother-child relationship!

I've heard people say absentmindedly, "you wanted to have sex, now deal with the consequences." Well, we can say the same thing to pro-lifers. "You wanted less abortions, now go help those mothers in every way you can."

I support a small government, and I expect that the more locally-based our laws are, the more motivated people should get about voting.

And while I detest the thought of ending human life in the womb, I also cannot ignore the fact that this is a situation that pits two people's interests against each other. There cannot always be a clear and obvious winner.

Strangely, when I heard the news, I was overwhelmed with emotion that made me feel like now was the time to walk the walk. It's not enough to be "against abortion". Abortions will still take place. If not in one state, in another. And if not legally, then illegally. It's far more crucial to be "for all life".

Are we supposed to merely be satisfied with unborn babies being born? Regardless of the circumstances into which they are born? Regardless if they will then go on to be neglected or abused because their parents had no business becoming parents? Regardless of the toll it takes on their mother's bodies, mental health, and ability to feed the rest of the family?

If we are truly "Pro-Life", then we need to put our money where our mouths are. We need to step up and donate to, or volunteer with, crisis pregnancy centers. We need to provide what many women facing difficult pregnancies lack. First and foremost, they need our compassion, followed closely by material support.

Neonatal care, maternity clothes, often a place to live (because sadly a lot of "pro-lifers" are also part of the "purity culture" where they'd rather shame their unwed teenaged daughter for getting pregnant than support her through it) and a source of income. The cost of childbirth is astronomical if you have to pay out of pocket.

Then comes all the costs associated with caring for a baby. Many of these costs can be averted or minimized by utilizing "old-school" methods. I'm thinking here of breastfeeding on cue and cloth diapers and elimination communication. But most of the women facing unplanned pregnancies do not have the luxury of staying home to care for her child. In that case, not only will she need to pay for formula and disposable diapers, but also for daycare.

So for every time you think of yourself as a "pro-lifer", ask yourself; what have I done lately to support a woman facing a difficult pregnancy?

As much as I believe in the power of prayer, prayer alone is not enough. Prayer is meant to move us to action. It is meant as a tool of discernment so we can open ourselves up to God leading us to be Christ's hands and feet in the world. By all means, pray your heart our for these babies and these women. But then, make a donation, or set up a recurring donation. Or go volunteer.

We can celebrate when all women feel supported through their pregnancies, when all women can avoid getting pregnant unintentionally, and when we stop pitting one group of people against another.

May the Lord guide us, protect us, and empower us to do the next right thing. Amen.

Jesus Asks Us To...

Deny ourselves, pick up our cross daily, and follow Him.

Serve Him.

Walk in the light of life.

Follow His example/imitate Him.

Be holy.

Do the will of the Father.

Seek God's reign and righteousness through tribulation.

Live and walk by the Spirit.

Rest in Him/His peace and not the world's.

Learn from Him.

Hear His voice.

Keep His commandments.

Do not love the world.

Be like Him/my teacher.

Worship in Spirit and Truth.

Let our light shine.

Feed on His flesh and blood.

endure to the end.

Abide in Him.

Know that we will be hated by all for His sake.

Know that we will be persecuted for the desire to live a godly life in Christ.

Know that He will make us a new version of ourselves.

Sell our wealth and distribute to the poor.

Love one another.

Bear good fruit.

Be saved through faith and works.

Autistic Spirituality

1. The rigorous black-or-white thinking of my autistic brain means that I am at risk for scrupulosity. It means I cannot readily pick out the nuances of rules, and so I try to stick to them at all costs.

2. My sense of justice means that I will find every instance of injustice and unfairness everywhere I look, and as a result, I will conclude that there is no perfect church, denomination, or faith tradition that truly expresses my understanding of God. 

3. It will also make it very difficult for me to trust imperfect people who presume to tell me how to live my life, including religious authorities.

4. My hypersensitivity means that I easily pick up on oversights, discrepancies, and hypocrisy.  I cannot look past it to appreciate the bigger picture.

5. It also means that I am drawn to beauty, including in worship services.  I will gravitate towards more esthetically beautiful worship services and fail to get much out of more mundane services.

6. My noise sensitivity in particular means that I'm not going to want to be in loud, crowded places.  I would much rather be alone and in silence.

7. Because socialization does not come naturally to me, I find myself most comfortable in a highly scripted, liturgical setting, where I can "be with people" without having to really think about what to say or do around those people.

8. Also because I prefer to be alone and ponder ideas rather than interact with others, I find it difficult to find ways to serve in the community, to fellowship, and even to develop a relationship with God.  

9. The anxiety I get around socialization also prevents me from certain service and fellowship opportunities, which in turn often incite guilt in me (due to #1 scrupulosity), which keeps me pretty busy worrying about how I'm falling short instead of focusing on how I can serve and worship God.

Maybe It's Not About the Religion Afterall

 What does it mean for me to "follow Jesus" for real? 

Does it mean membership in a particular denomination?  An adherence to the official teachings of that denomination?  Participation in the rites and rituals of that denomination?

Does it mean holding fast to a certain creed that sums up what all followers of Jesus are supposedly supposed to believe?  Does it mean idolizing the Bible as the single most important (or even only?!) source of God's communication with me? Does it mean either being literate and knowledgeable enough to make sense of what I read therein, or acquiescing my ability to interpret Scripture to someone else, like a church authority figure in a particular denomination?

Or does it mean trying to learn as much as I can about the person of Jesus and then trying best I can to model my life on His example and teachings?  Does it mean then that I trust the Holy Spirit to lead me to the interpretation that is most relevant for me at a particular point in time? 

Is following Jesus a nuanced endeavor?  Or a clear-cut path?  Is it going to look similar for all followers of Jesus, or will it differ wildly in some (maybe even most) cases?

Have I been assuming others know better than me what God wants from me?  Have I been so attached to external validation that I cannot find the spiritual freedom that is my birthright as a child of God?  I can follow Jesus WITHIN the denomination that speaks to me for other reasons.  Or I can follow Jesus in a DIFFERENT denomination that perhaps may someday better resonate with me.  Or I can follow Jesus OUTSIDE of any denomination at all.  

What if the whole world were my church denomination?  What if all of humanity were my fellowship team?  What if human and civil rights were my creed?  What if nature were my sanctuary? What if my prayers, whatever they are, however they manifest, whenever they bubble up to the surface, were just what God wants to hear from me at that moment?  What if God has been telling me all along that GOD DOES NOT NEED RELIGION?!  And if it isn't God's requirement, can anything religion says be a requirement of me just because that's what it says?  No!  

I will make mistakes as I try to discern what God wants from me and for me.  So has everyone else, Church Fathers and Mothers included, theologians and clergy included, saints and skeptics included.  Why should I succumb to their mistakes instead of making my own and through these growing closer to God?

How Do I Worship God?

 Worship:

1. to praise God, especially in song

2. to stand in awe of something, especially God

3. to be humble in front of God

4. to offer oneself to God

5. devotion, reverence

6. any act that is intended to express one of these

I've often wanted to "belong" to a group of like-minded believers so we can worship God together.  But inevitably, something is lacking.

Either we're not like-minded enough for my idealistic expectations...

Or we don't feel the need to express our sense of worship to God in the same way...

Or generally - both.

I've been chasing a dream all of my life.  I've wanted my proverbial cake and I wanted to eat it too, which let's be honest, is a dumb saying.  What else would you want cake for, if not to eat it?  But I digress.

Reverent feelings for me are attained in silence, stillness, and nature.  Also, by candlelight, with chimes or bells, incense, chanting or emotional singing, or instrumental music.  I feel worshipful when I take on certain postures and make certain gestures.  It helps to embody my thoughts and feelings and intentions.

The like-mindedness for me is just as elusive in politics, which I think is basically what we're talking about.  How would we arrange the world if it were up to us?  I believe I'm pro-life.  I hate abortion.  And war.  And a meat diet.  And gang violence.  And human trafficking.  And sexual assault. And the death penalty.  And the poisoning of our environment.  And the dehumanization and profiling of minorities (especially sexual, ethnic, or religious minorities).  Most pro-lifers I know don't recognize the life at stake in some of these issues.

I also hate waste - natural resources, money, time, talent.  I mean, I have a visceral reaction to waste.  It's a very strong value for me.  Right under right to life, I think.  I don't really know anyone with as strong of a sense of conservation as mine.  That's not to say that my actions always reflect this.  It's very hard, especially because most of the time it's an uphill battle.

Finally, I love both diversity and tradition.  I don't particularly care for mixing the two, as then both get diluted.  But going back and forth between the two, if needed, fills different areas of my soul.  Beauty comes into play in both of these aspects.  There's beauty in certain traditions that are meaningful for me.  There's beauty in other traditions that I'm not personally acquainted with.

It is these things I have been trying to find in a faith community, but I don't know why I ever thought that I could.  These are my unique priorities.  To build a faith around it, a world-view, would require proselytizing, which goes against my appreciation of diversity, since the goal of proselytizing is to make people conform to a single idea.

You'll notice I'm not using faith language here.  I am both spiritual and religious, but my spirituality and religiosity are neither dependent on each other, nor are they based entirely on any one organized faith tradition.  I know a lot of people in similar unique spiritualities find fulfilment in Quaker or UU fellowship, but the thing with these two faith organizations is that they are quite political, and across the board left-leaning.  I used to align much more with them than I do now.  

They both support abortion, and they also seem to support whatever the latest demands are for transgender people.  On the other hand, they do not seem to value premarital chastity or modesty in the least bit.

Anyway, the question of the moment is this: How shall I worship God?

If it's true worship, then it can't merely be doing things that make me feel good.  There's a place for that - perhaps in the arena of spiritual self-care.  But I can't equate my personal worship preferences with "true worship".  

It only becomes "true worship" when it is oriented towards the object of my worship, namely God.  

How do I humble myself before the Lord?  

How do I stand in awe of God?

How do I offer my life in service to God?

I can probably easily figure out how to praise God in song, through reverence and devotion.  But this is only the beginning.  It must necessarily spill into the rest of my daily life.  

What Am I Looking For?

Fr. Joshua, the Orthodox priest I spoke with a few weeks ago, asked me this question at the end of our meeting.  At the time, I told him I wanted to "belong" and I wanted a "relationship with God".  

Since that meeting, I started a prayer and fasting rule of life.  I'm trying very hard not to get sucked into scrupulosity, and just do what I can when I can and tweak it as I go.  I believe that God is pleased with my efforts and is helping me discern what exactly I really am looking for.  I realize that converting to Orthodoxy will not guarantee me a relationship with God.  That is strictly between me and God.  It does not depend on other people.  I can use what methods and tools are available from whatever faith tradition helps get me there.

As for belonging... it seems that once my husband and children expressed a willingness to consider Orthodoxy, I started to panic.  I started to envision what that would be like.  I even had a heart-to-heart with my kids about what conversion would mean for my son's upcoming (in 2 years) First Communion.  We stayed after Divine Liturgy for lunch and met some regular Orthodox folks, and realized they were normal people like us.  I started to like the idea of joining this community.  Oscar went to a men's breakfast and talk on a Saturday morning, I started communicating with their homeschooling co-op coordinator, and we're planning to take them up on their invitation to their church open house at one of the parishoner's homes.

Then we went to our usual Catholic church so we could receive Communion.  I cried.  I thought about what it meant to become Orthodox - it meant to cease to be Catholic.  At least in theory.  

And then I remembered certain concerns I have with both churches (Orthodox and Catholic) - namely their stance against LGBTQ affirmation.  I'm expected to believe that it is the loving thing to do to expect people with same-sex attraction to live celibate lives, even if they find a suitable, available partner who would want to spend their life with them.  I'm expected to believe that two men or two women simply cannot form the sort of magical union that heterosexual marriage forms.  That if they try, it is an abomination!  That God hates that they would act on the sexual orientation that He gave them.  I look at the teachings and actions of Jesus, and I just can't seem to reconcile the churches' attitude with that of Christ.  

Even though both churches have the same official stance, the difference is that 1) there is a lot more wiggle room in Catholicism - it's precisely the sort of loosey-goosey approach that has made reverence disappear from the sanctuaries, and 2) I'm already Catholic.  There's no pulling wool over anyone, there's no faking the funk, no entering under false pretenses.  I was Catholic before I formed my opinion after much discernment.  

And so I ask myself - what AM I looking for?  Is it really to belong?  Because the cost of belonging is conformity.  And that is not what Jesus taught.  Jesus taught accountability directly to God for how we understand and apply His Great Commandment.  If what we're doing or saying does not show love for God or others, then it's not from God.  And to say that God does not want love for his gay children is just ludicrous.  It may be something individuals are called to - celibacy, or the religious life, but not entire segments of the population.  I'm not willing to conform on this one.  I don't agree with a lot of the latest developments coming from the so-called gender ideology agenda.  I do think there are issues that are encroaching on the rights of others here.  Who marries whom is none of my business.  But who shares a bathroom or lockeroom with me or my children, who competes in athletics with an unfair biological advantage, who demands that others call them by made-up pronouns when they give no reason for someone to clearly see them as they see themselves (that's only applicable to those who still abide by the gender binary)... this is ludicrious.  I'm scared to make an innocent mistake, I'm scared to suggest something isn't fair, but I digress here....

The point is, I know I have a lot to learn about transgender issues.  But when it comes to gay "issues", I'm over it.  There's nothing controversial there for me.  I'm not really willing to pretend that I oppose something I don't.  I can't break this principle just to feel like I belong.  Do I really want to belong to people who would make my gay friends and relatives feel unwelcome?  I think my sense of justice is stronger on this one than my desire to belong.

And so I ask myself, again: what am I looking for?  Why was I attracted to Orthodoxy in the first place?  It's not really the theology.  While I do think as far as church history goes, they're probably right.  The papacy was a later development and not intended by Jesus.  The filioque was indeed a later development that doesn't really do justice to the Holy Spirit.  (Maybe?)  Eucharistic Adoration is a later development and Jesus meant for us to eat His Body and Blood, not adore it.  But then, the spoon in Orthodox Communion is also a later development.  Jesus didn't spoon-feed his disciples at the Last Supper.  Jesus didn't wear vestments.  The early church didn't have an iconostasis, nor did they always have a building to worship in.  

The early church was much more casual than either the Catholic or the Orthodox church.  They gathered in each other's homes.  They formed small groups where they sacrificed for each other (voluntary communism, if you will).  They read from Scriptures, they preached about the Gospel (resurrection of Jesus and our need for repentance).  They prayed together.  They sang spiritual songs.  They broke bread (as in, they shared a meal just like Jesus did with so many of the people he taught - here I remember how the Quakers understand "Holy Communion" - it's found in the gathering of the people for a shared meal.  It's not simply the bread itself.  Rather, it's what that bread represents - a shared meal, spiritual food, and an opportunity to gather together.  In the midst of that, Jesus really is present, body and blood.)

That's about all I can discern from Acts of the Apostles.  They had bishops as far as organization is concerned.  They assigned different tasks for different people.  They shared their wealth with the poor.  They sent out people to travel and preach.  They performed miracles.  They went to their deaths rather than stay quiet about Jesus.

Those features are actually present in a lot of church denominations to varying degrees.

What I don't see is: candles, icons, incense, bells, vestments, rituals, prescribed fasts (it seems fasting was done individually, not because the calendar said it was time to fast).  Yet these are the things that attract me to Orthodoxy.  And what attracts me to Catholicism is Eucharistic Adoration and kneeling.

What am I looking for?  I guess I'm just looking for ways to feel spiritual.  To tap into that other-worldly sense of the divine that I have a hard time accessing in my ordinary mundane life.  There's nothing wrong with that.  But it's also not a good reason to convert.

I'm not looking to belong to just anything.  I'm looking to belong to God.  I want to feel as though I belong with God.  That God is on my side.  That God lives in me.  That God leads my every step.  That God cares for me, understands me, and will never leave me.  I actually don't need religion for that.  But aspects of religion do help me feel closer to God, and those are the aspects I should focus on.

What if I could have it both ways?  What if we alternate churches and do what we can in each community?  What if I mix and match in my personal prayer life?  That's really where the battles are fought - in my personal prayer life.  Not in church.  Not through a label. External validation is a wolf in sheep's clothing.  It does not validate at all if I am doing the right thing.  I must learn to discern that for myself through daily attention to my spiritual life.  Through prayer, fasting, spiritual reading, retreats, alsmgiving... There's no short cut.  Becoming Orthodox but not doing these things will not help me feel closer to God.  But doing these things even without converting will.

Hesitations and Considerations

Perhaps it's because I'm rushing it.  Or maybe I just haven't given myself enough time to actually become part of the community yet.  Or I'm realizing that conversion is serious business, a lifestyle and lifetime commitment that not only impacts me but my immediate family as well.  

Maybe I know that I'm not converting with the same literal intention that most other converts do, and this worries me.  I believe God is everywhere and we can all reach God without going through the church.  I happen to like the Orthodox church as it is a convenient concentration of time, place, people, and practices that can guide me on my spiritual path.  Do I believe Orthodoxy is "the" concentration of Truth with a capital T over and above what all other worldviews offer?  Let's just say I have no desire to proselytize anyone.  I don't worry about the state of anyone's soul in eternity because they aren't Orthodox.  Or even Christian.  Or even believers in one God.  

No, Orthodoxy for me is entirely a choice, a preference, something that speaks to me and resonates with me.  It offers me ways to get in touch with the Divine in a way that helps me - yes, I'm going to play the autism card - and my autistic brain.  

Even though I don't believe the church's limits and rules are "necessary", I do believe they are helpful, at least to me.  Am I still going to have to take things with a grain of salt?  Yes.  Am I still going to have to watch how I express some of my beliefs?  Yes.  Am I going to have to watch myself so I don't fall back into scrupulosity?  Yes.  

Will it give me a sense of belonging?  I think and hope so.  Will it give me a place and time I can regularly place myself in the presence of the Divine?  Yes. Will it challenge me to stay on the straight and narrow?  Yes.  Am I likely to grow in wisdom and virtue by following the Orthodox path?  I think and hope so.  

How do I reconcile my strong affinity to Orthodoxy with my disappointment at there not being a visible place of leadership for women within the life of the church?  Or am I not understanding all that goes into it yet, and still associating priesthood with leadership when in fact there are many different gifts that come together to make the community function?  What about same-sex marriage?  In my heart of hearts, I believe love is love, and I support two consenting adults building a life together, with or without children.  I do not see it as scandalous or in any way contrary to God's law.  Yes, God made us female and male, but that just means our species must have both of these to continue.  It doesn't mean every female must be matched to a male, and then they must reproduce.  Life just doesn't work that way.  There's monasticism.  There's infertility.  One's a choice, the other is not.  

I guess I continue to think of "sin" as doing something wrong.  For something to be wrong, it has to interfere with someone's wellness.  And here we can get into a lot of trouble, because we do not control how others perceive us.  People can be offended by a woman in pants and with short hair - that doesn't make the way she chooses to present herself a "sin".  Other people can be offended by a woman without a paid career and a large number of children.  That also doesn't make her private choices in any way sinful.

And if we are all sinful no matter what we do, why pick on gay people and make them feel as though their "missing the mark" (of the supposed "ideal" of heterosexuality) is in some way worse than the missed mark in any other area of life?  And really, the idea that there is anything not ideal about loving someone who is not otherwise unavailable and mutually interested?

I guess I just don't understand why gay love is supposed to be "wrong".  

What if this is one of those crosses the Lord is asking me to carry?  This sense of empathy for my gay sisters and brothers who can't simply keep their opinions to themselves and carry on within the faith, unless they stay single. I not only want to join Orthodoxy, I want my immediate family - my husband and children - to join with me.  We want to join as a family.  To think that someone may want the same thing but cannot do it, would not be seen as a valid family, it just breaks my heart.  

There's a place for Orthodoxy, for being slow to change, for tradition.  I don't think we should be jumping on every new bandwagon that comes our way.  But gay rights have been embraced as civil rights for decades now.  Several generations have been raised now with increasing sympathy to marriage equity.  I know that often people are afraid of change because they think one thing will lead to another... and this is often the case.  Often in secular society, this exact thing happens.  But there is no discernment in secular society.  People just make demands based on what they want, without pondering if it's actually in their best interest, or for the greater good.  There's a fine balance to be walked.  

What if my desire to join Orthodoxy is just as much about making a clean break with Catholicism as it is about embracing a new faith and community?  I shouldn't join Orthodoxy just to leave Catholicism.  

Or maybe all of this may be true, but I should proceed anyway, trusting that God will carry me through.