When Did We Become Protestants?

I just realized that sometime in the past 30 or so years, we have become Protestants.  By we, I mean us modern Catholics.  It totally snuck up on me, personally.  

When I arrived in the US from Poland, I was already familiar with the only Mass I knew, the Novus Ordo, but it was one where the altar railing was still a matter of course, and the Eucharist was universally received on the tongue while kneeling.  The sacred space of the church was respected by silence and proper attire.  We attended a Polish parish where I received my First Holy Communion.  But after we moved from our apartment to our first house, the commute eventually became too great for us to keep making every week, and so we started attending a local American parish.

I guess I didn't notice the change at first.  Maybe I assumed it came with the territory of it being an English-language Mass, but Communion was now being distributed in an assembly-line fashion, albeit still on the tongue.  

As an adolescent, I guess I didn't notice or it didn't matter to me if there was chitchatting going on before or after (or during!) Mass.  Part of the reason may have been that my parents seemed to like to leave immediately after receiving Communion, so perhaps I never got to see that people were "fellowshipping" after Mass was over.

Since religion in my family was culturally based, once we were removed from the greater Polish culture, it didn't take much for us to become mostly secularized.  We attended Mass on Sundays, we displayed some religious art around the home, and we celebrated religious festive days.  But we did not pray together, not even grace, and we did not read Scripture either.  

We did discuss religion, mainly my mom and I, because I had developed a special interest in all things spiritual.  Starting around age 14, when I was preparing for my Confirmation, I became very interested in the faith.  Looking back, I think this was when I subconsciously started to notice it slipping away from me and wanted to hold on to it in whatever way I knew how.  Around age 17, I became interested in Mother Theresa of Calcutta, and in becoming a religious sister.  But it was a brief interest, as it was quickly squashed by my family.  

I was told that if I were a boy and expressed an interest in becoming a priest, they would support me.  But as a girl wanting to be a nun, they didn't want to see that happen.  Looking back, I guess they were concerned with the vow of poverty and obedience.  There was definitely an element of reaction to sexism there, even reverse sexism.  I interpreted it to mean that there was injustice in the fact that I couldn't become a priest, because I wanted my family's support.  I did not see it as an injustice on the part of my family withholding their support, but rather an injustice on the part of the Church in not allowing me to be something my family would support (!).  And so the feminist in me awoke.

From my late teens on, I researched off and on all sorts of world religions, I identified as a feminist, and I set out to "prove myself".  Really, what I was doing was trying to right a wrong.  I had been blessed to have been brought up in the Catholic church, so full of mystery and wisdom and beauty and truth!  But all of that was watered down by the liturgical traditions of the American Novus Ordo parishes I attended and the lack of support or shared interest by my family.

Whenever I approached a religion seriously, with authentic consideration of conversion, it was because I thought becoming this religion's adherent would reinstate for me a sense of being set apart for God.  I saw the discipline, the virtues, the seriousness with which religionists of these various faith traditions pursued their spiritual life, and I wanted that for myself.

I had already assumed that it was impossible for me within Catholicism because when I started to look into deepening my faith, I was stopped dead in my tracks, without any redirection, without any inquiry as to my reasons, without any sort of aid in discernment.  I didn't know what I didn't know, and so I wandered aimlessly looking for something I assumed could only be found "out there". 

The Lord was good to me throughout.  Time and again He brought me back to the Catholic faith, and time and again, I settled for a time before again becoming restless.  I was essentially on the verge of pure secularism when something (Someone ;) ) made me quit reading a book about Buddhism and instead start reading a book about Jesus by a Jesuit priest.  

Prior to falling into secular apathy, my last stop on my lifelong spiritual journey had been to Eastern Orthodoxy.  And so, I immediately returned to the Antiochian parish I had attended off and on and took Intro to Orthodoxy classes.  This time, I managed to get my husband and children to join me, and soon they were all sold and feeling God's presence.  

I started to see positive changes in my daughter's attitude towards spiritual things.  She started dressing up for church without being nagged about it.  Soon, I started a daily prayer rule and after about a month of doing it myself, I started including my children in my morning and evening prayers.  On a couple of occasions, my daughter has briefly tried veiling during prayer (I started veiling for personal prayer as well as Church after being encouraged by the popularity of the practice at the Orthodox church we attended.)  Once, my daughter even chose to fast with me before church.

I was tired of looking here and there and started to understand that my spiritual quest was no longer just about me.  It wasn't just about trying to fill that God-shaped hole in my heart, though it was that, too.  It was now about finding the right environment in which to raise my children within the Christian faith.

I wanted to be sure I didn't leave any rock unturned, so I kept looking for different Catholic churches to visit before deciding to become Orthodox catechumens.  We finally attended an Eastern Rite Catholic Divine Liturgy and a Latin Mass (apparently a Low Mass, as it was silent) both on the same day.  We were not impressed with either, especially as compared to the beauty and engagement and reverence and joy we felt at the Orthodox church. 

On the way home, my husband and I discussed this and essentially agreed to go ahead and focus all of our attention on Orthodoxy.  I started to gather questions for another meeting with the Orthodox priest before requesting to start the Catechumen process.  But there was something, something quite big, actually, that first had to be decided.

My son had just officially begun his two-year process of sacramental preparation to receive his First Holy Communion at our Catholic home parish.  After several conversations, my daughter was comfortable with the idea of him receiving Communion at an earlier age than she did (since he'd be able to receive immediately upon entering the Orthodox church).  But really, we wanted to maintain dual affiliation and continue with my son's sacramental prep while simultaneously preparing to enter the Orthodox church as a family.  It didn't take long for the cognitive dissonance to kick in.

The same day, when praying in the evening, I knew I couldn't proceed as planned.  It would be dishonest to both churches.  And while I knew that my allegiance is to Christ and not either church, I also knew that I needed the context of the church (one of them, anyway) and not to go the Protestant route of being my own pope and interpreting Scriptures as I saw fit, based on my limited understanding of the context and Church Tradition.

I spoke with my son.  I felt for him.  I apologized to both my children that I hadn't found Orthodoxy sooner, and that they were unable to receive the Eucharist from birth as Catholics.  My son surprised me when I asked if he'd rather prepare for his First Communion in the Catholic or Orthodox church.  He chose Catholic, even though it meant having to wait longer to start receiving Communion.

We were back to square one.  We would continue to attend both churches, and take turns between satisfying our desire for reverence and our desire to receive Communion.  But again it didn't take long to see something was amiss with this plan.

I had been going back and forth between watching a lot of YouTube videos by both Orthodox and Catholics.  I focused my attention on Catholic content once I realized that what was at the crux of our decision was the Eucharist.

I was never attracted to the Eucharist in Orthodoxy.  While I absolutely LOVE the idea of families taking turns baking the bread used during liturgy for communion, the fact that it is distributed by spoon was a major turn off for me.  There also wasn't any Eucharistic Adoration.  I know that Jesus never asked us to adore Him, or His Real Presence in the Eucharist, but He never asked us to have the specific liturgical rites either.  That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with these developments, since they organically sprang up from the life of the church.

But then I started to remember how I was first introduced to the Eucharistic Lord - within the Catholic church, at the altar railing, kneeling, receiving a host on the tongue.  I loved the reverence of the Orthodox church, but in all the times I've attended, we've only ever kneeled once as a congregation, on Pentecost I believe.  So I took to some online Orthodox groups to inquire about it.  I wanted to know if there was any reason why I couldn't receive Communion while kneeling, once I became Orthodox.

The response I got was quite shocking.  People were offended.  I was accused of trying to "romanize" their faith tradition.  Others were less harsh and simply explained the reasoning behind their not kneeling during Divine Liturgy.  Also, when asking about the dilemma about my daughter having to stop receiving Communion after having to wait until she was 7 years old (which was just one year ago) if we started the catechumen process, some didn't mince any words when they said that our Catholic Eucharist is "invalid" and she might as well not be receiving at all!  Similarly, when asking about visiting non-Orthodox churches when traveling, to maintain the family value we have of "church on Sunday", also told me that we're better off praying at home than stepping foot in a Catholic or other non-Orthodox church.

At last, the imperfections of Orthodoxy started to come out.  And not a moment too soon.  The friendly Orthdox at my local parish warned me that they were not perfect.  But I finally got to understand what that meant.  And then I was able to extend that to their faith tradition.  The Divine Liturgy at this particular Orthodox church is sublime!  But I've been to other Orthodox churches where I have a very different experience.

Back to the Eucharist and the fork in the road for us.  As I was consuming more and more Catholic content, I started listening more and more about the Traditional Latin Mass.  Now, we had already attended two and neither compared to our Orthodox experience.  But then I had to remind myself that there's an element of specific churches that plays into it.  I was willing to give the original TLM church we attended another chance.

I joined a TLM group online, where I was quickly introduced to a documentary about Vatican 2 and the TLM, and I started to remember.

I started to remember that they were describing the Mass that was still so evident in the super reverent Novus Ordo Masses in Poland (change happened much slower initially there, presumably due to the Iron Curtain that didn't come down until after we had immigrated to the US).

I started to remember that I had had a love for our Eucharistic Lord.  I believed in His Real Presence, but it had been buried under years of irreverence by parishioners and priests alike at the various innovative Novus Ordo Masses I had attended since leaving the parish where I received my First Holy Communion.

I started to remember the commonalities that I was recognizing between the Orthodox worship style and elements from my own background.

I started to remember that the Catholic church includes a lot of different expressions of faith, including the Eastern Rite, the Novus Ordo (most common), the Traditional Latin Mass, and the "Anglicanorum Coetibus" efforts.  

I started to remember that no matter which denomination I would attend, if we recited a creed, it inevitably said "I believe in one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church."  The word "Catholic" was never lost on me.  I'd think, that's funny - we're in an Episopal/Lutheran/Orthodox church, yet here we are all professing a faith in the Catholic church!

I remembered that as a Catholic, I had the honor of being able to receive Jesus in the Eucharist every single day during daily Mass, while as an Orthodox, it was only an option during Divine Liturgy, which generally happened no more than once (sometimes twice) per week.

And so I remembered what the entire center of our Christian faith is all about: Jesus Christ, and specifically his teaching, example, sacrifice, and Real Presence in the Eucharist.

I remembered that God made me a Catholic.  I remembered that Jesus said, "seek, and ye shall find".  I remembered that what I was seeking was to be found right within Catholicism, just not under my nose.

And so I began what I hope and pray will be the final stage of my spiritual journey, a homecoming to the Traditional Latin Mass.  No conversion rites necessary, no break in reception of the Eucharist, no hopping around trying to get different needs met at different churches.  No vague looking for "reverence".  Rather, "seek first the kingdom of God, and then other things will be give ye besides."  If I seek Jesus, I will find reverence.  It may look different from the Orthodox reverence, but it will be reverence nonetheless.

Today at Novus Ordo Mass, I was observing the Mass through a critical eye.  I noticed how the general feel of the Mass was based on the style of music and the charisma of the homilist.  I noticed how my experience of prayer was directly limited by the attire and behavior of my fellow parishioners, who may see Mass as an opportunity to fellowship while I am simply looking for a chance to pray and worship the Lord.  And as I looked around and thought, "nice music, nice homily, friendly people"... I also thought.... "just like any other Mainline Protestant Church." 

What does the Catholic church have that no other church has?  It has the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist (which it shares with the Orthodox church, and while some other denominations claim it, there is absolutely nothing in their style of worship that communicates this (similarly to most Novus Ordo Masses, sadly)) AND it has the unifying principle of the Papacy, Magisterium of the Church, and the Catechism.  

I may not like a lot of what comes from the Pope.  I may not agree with certain teachings of the Church.  But my goodness, do I respect and appreciate there being clear and strong boundaries in place!  If I choose to "go rogue", at least I know that's what I'm doing, and I'm doing it at my own risk.  I can gauge how far I'm straying, and decide what's too far for my own comfort level.  Of course, this isn't the teaching of the Church.  But let's be honest.  If every Catholic believed everything the Catholic church teaches, then we wouldn't have the Protestant Novus Ordo situation, the overwhelming majority of Catholics not believing in the Real Presence, the lack of modesty and chastity, the downright secularization and relativization and compartmentalization of our faith, rather than the faith being the singular North Star of our very identity as a child of God and follower of Christ.

The Church has made some terrible doozies, and so it is wise and healthy to maintain a little bit of a skepticism when discerning how applicable certain teachings really are.  If I am wrong, that is between God and me.  But I don't think the Church should back down to accommodate me.  I should have to be willing to break with the Church when going my own way.  I should not feel completely confirmed in so doing.  There needs to be a little discomfort that forces us to actually discern, rather than blindly following our passions.  Blindly following our passions is no different than blindly following our religious authorities.  Humans make mistakes.  We must be in the habit of daily discernment, and not taking the easy route of just accepting at face value anything that looks nice.

But I digress.  The important thing is that I feel myself coming full circle, and I am hopeful about the final leg of my spiritual journey, not merely "back to Catholicism", but deep into the original, traditional Catholicism that stands out as the little taste of heaven on earth that it is meant to provide in its evangelization efforts to help us fall in love with Christ.

I Lost My Dad

I lost my dad 23 years ago to a traumatic brain injury that left him mentally disabled and in the care of my mother.  For exactly half of their marriage, she cared for him in spite of his resistance, made all decisions, paid off all debts and made due living off his disability income while still saving money for gifts for her children and grandchildren and making regular charitable donations to her favorite organization: Operation Smile. 

My dad spent the first year or so after his accident in several assisted living facilities until the latest one lost government funding and private options were simply astronomical and impossible for our family to consider.  My mother was forced to give up her business shortly after that as he attempted to "help" with the tailoring while no longer having the ability to do so successfully.  

My dad wasn't expected to walk again, but he did.  He actually wasn't expected to come out of his medically induced coma.  My mom had been contacted by people interested in doing brain research on him in the event he didn't make it.  She refused, and after a month of coma, he came to.  Many various medications tried to stabilize his moods over the years.  Some were more successful than others.  Overall, he looked fine on the outside, but the part of his brain that was most affected by the impact during his accident left him with aphasia.  He could never make intelligible conversation again, though many people assumed he was speaking his native Polish (he wasn't).

My dad didn't understand what happened to him.  He would point to the scars and wounds and evidence of surgical procedures on his body and make gestures to indicate that he thought someone tried to kill him.  He would have wild mood swings that only got worse in the last few years.

It was heartbreaking to see him and not be able to have any meaningful conversation with him.  To listen attentively without understanding a word he was saying, and then watching as he got frustrated, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, over his inability to communicate.  

My mom managed to understand a lot more of what he wanted to say.  Though she did guess a lot.  She accommodated him as much as was humanly possible.  She administered all of his medication, even diabetes testing and insulin injections in the last few years.  She adjusted their diet to try to curb his diabetes, but he refused to be an obedient patient.  He snuck in soda and candy, and then when he didn't like what he saw on the scales, he would skip meals (never a good idea for a diabetic).  

He started falling and getting hurt.  So my mom sold their house and moved to a one-level in an active adult community.  She did everything she could to make him feel comfortable and be safe.  He had his own bedroom and his own TV room.  They had a pet chihuahua (two actually; after Chichi Senior died, they got another Chichi).  My dad overfed poor Chichi and could not be reasoned with regarding the damage that was being done to her due to her obesity.

Anyway, as his diabetes progressed, since he often would refuse medication and he didn't usually eat what he was supposed to in order to manage his diabetes correctly, he started to lose feeling in his legs and started getting wounds on his legs from scratching them up getting into and out of his recliner.  He never understood where they were coming from.  My mom taped up the metal parts of the recliner that would be exposed to help protect his skin.  

One time, he went walking barefoot on asphalt in 90 degree weather.  The complications from his diabetes made him unable to feel the heat.  He suffered burns on the soles of his feet that again my mom had to tend to.  She administered first aid, wrapped and rewrapped his feet twice daily, did all she could to try to keep him off his feet, which he usually didn't obey.  All in the face of unfriendly and condescending doctors who had nothing useful to add but insisted on seeing my dad basically to collect their payments.

She was full of such out-of-the-box ideas trying to anticipate what he would need before he needed it.  Sadly, he never appreciated it.

He felt stifled, I'm assuming, by the inability to make his own decisions, to drive, to speak clearly, to go unsupervised.  My mom fought an uphill battle for 23 years.  She demonstrated true agape love, the kind we learn about in Christianity - love as a decision, a commitment to the best interest of another.  Not romance, not lust, not infatuation, nothing feel-good about it, but my God, without her love, where would my father have been all these years?

Long ago I had to admit to myself that if I were in her shoes, I couldn't have been able to take on the weight of that responsibility.  Long ago, I started to worry about meeting the same fate as my mother.  

Last year, my dad had a mini stroke.  He had some trouble with his dominant hand.  He had trouble feeding himself and again, couldn't understand why exactly he was having problems seeing out of one eye.  Again, my mom massaged his hand, pre-cut his meat, brought him back to a reasonable state of operation.

Then earlier this year my mom disclosed to me that my dad has gotten violent.  He had gotten violently angry before over the years.  A couple of years ago, he had a psychotic episode due to extremely high blood sugar.  He was bouncing off the bed, trying to jump out the window, barking, all manner of crazy stuff, my mom tells me.  She called 911 and found out there wasn't much they would do without his "willingness".  It was an uphill battle getting people to understand that she had guardianship over him. 

We tried on several different occasions to find a way to place him in a nursing facility.  Last year we finally toured one with him.  Neither he nor we were impressed.  The cost was astronomical, even for a shared room, which wouldn't have worked for him.  And there really wasn't much guarantee that he wouldn't be allowed to escape and show up unannounced at my mom's.  Not to mention, we couldn't fathom what the protocol would be to actually physically move him in against his will?

I'm sorry to say that basically my mom bore the entire burden of his care for 23 years, and I sort of squinted in hopes that much wouldn't be expected of me.  He wouldn't listen to me, I would say as an excuse.  

Once in confession I had to admit that the thought had crossed my mind that it would be a mercy for God to finally take my dad, as not only would he be restored again, reunited with his beloved mom that he cried about so frequently, but it would also be a huge burden lifted from my mother's shoulders, who had embraced the role of martyr that was not only punishing her, but also making me feel like I was somehow to blame for not being able to do what needed to be done.  

I guess my mom just needed to vent and it came across as blame, but I had my own mental issues to content with, and I couldn't carry the burden for both myself and her, even though she carried the whole family for decades. The priest was very understanding, but I still felt guilty for thinking those thoughts.

We offered to have my parents both come live with us.  That way, my mom wouldn't be alone with him, she'd have breaks, she'd have witnesses to his craziness, but we would also have a resident expert on what he needed and wanted.  But she just couldn't let go of the little bit of her own joy that she had in maintaining her own home and arranging her own daily extracurricular activities at the club house in their community.  

And so, when I finally got my mom to pick up the phone 40 minutes after our scheduled call time, I barely heard her hand the phone to someone and say in English "my daughter".  A police officer (or was it an EMT?) came on to explain that my mom called 911 and they responded to a cardiac arrest situation.  

Long story short, my dad passed away from a heart attack.  While sitting in his favorite recliner, watching one of his favorite shows (The Maury Povich show, where inevitably someone finds out who is and who isn't the baby daddy) and eating a cookie in lieu of the lunch she had prepared.

Once during counseling, my therapist made an interesting observation - namely that after my father's accident, I sort of lost him to some degree, but on the other hand, he was still there to remind me of that loss.  It has been like a 23-year goodbye.  

Now, the final grieving period can finally begin.  My father is gone.  I trust that God has restored him to his prime, that God has counted his 23 years of disability as his Purgatory time, and likewise for my mom, and that my dad can now enjoy the Beatific Vision with those who have gone before him, awaiting the rest of us to join him in our due time.

I do not worry about my dad.  I'm grateful, sooo grateful for my Catholic upbringing and faith.  I can't imagine being taught that a) his faith wasn't the right kind to save him, and/or b) there is nothing else I can do for my dad.  My Catholic faith teaches me that God continues to save us throughout our lives, and that life is eternal, and therefore, God is not incapable of continuing His saving work after a person's demise.

What's more, I believe in the Church Militant and Church Triumphant to be intimately linked to the Church Suffering, where presumably my dad is or at least is just stopping through.  And I can offer my prayers for his benefit.  Perhaps I can be a better daughter to him now that he's on the other side, now that all that is expected of me is prayers on his behalf.

I have mixed emotions about the process for my mom.  On the one hand, she's been a caretaker her entire adult life.  She married at age 21, had her first child (me) at age 23, then had two more children who were about to enter adolescence when my father had his accident, and then she cared for him even as her children grew up, moved out, started their own families.  I worry that she will not know how to fill that void without someone to micromanage.

On the other hand, I've never met anyone more capable, more independent, more can-do-attitude than my mother.  If anyone can recreate herself, it's her.  She finally has the freedom to do as she pleases without apology, without having to finagle different angles to get things done.  With time, I pray that she will open herself up to God's presence that has carried her all along.  I pray that she will let go of any resentments she may be harboring over her difficult life, the injustice of innocent suffering in general and in her life and marriage in particular, and accept the loving embrace of her Heavenly Father.  I don't think she was ever going to be able to put her guard down so long as she was responsible for my father's wellbeing.  But now, it's a whole brave new world, and I have hope that God can and will do something great in this next phase of life for my mom.

Thank you, Lord, for being there for us always.  Even when we don't recognize Your presence.  Thank you for hearing our prayers, for helping my mom and dad, for giving us those 23 difficult years during which to recognize our own limitations and weaknesses and keeping us humble.  And now thank you for freeing my dad from the prison that was his injured brain, and allowing my mom the chance to grow close to You at last.  

The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the Lord.  Amen.

Can Anyone Live Without Faith?

I don't think so.  Atheists, agnostics, secularists, humanists - they're all operating based on certain assumptions that have not been proven, just like religious folks do!  The thing with the existence of God is that you cannot disprove God's existence.  The best you can do is assume that the reason you haven't "found" God is that God doesn't exist, but that's a leap of faith right over the explanation given by religious folks: namely, that God want us to seek Him, and He will make Himself known only to those who seek Him with a sincere heart.  

Some people accept this on faith and choose to believe.  Some people accept the opposite on faith and choose not to believe.  There is no evidence to settle the matter, not in the realm within science and materialism operate.

With this understanding, I find myself at a crossroads - do I choose to believe, or do I choose to doubt?  Because either way I'm taking a leap of faith.  I'm making assumptions, I'm making a decision to follow a certain worldview.  

Personal Preference or Faith

One of my main autistic special interests is religion, which makes it extremely difficult to weed out true piety or devotion from personal preference.  

I really like silent retreats.  Waiting worship in the way of the Quakers was why I spent many months in Friends' meetinghouses awaiting the fulfillment of what I had read about the Religious Society of Friends to be all about.  It sounded great on paper, but the actual worship time severely left me wanting.  Now that I better understand what worship in spirit and in truth means, I see that we were basically meditating, not actually worshipping.

Likewise, my time spent in an Anglican church where there was a very vibrant and lively band during the service, also left me wanting.  It felt like I was going to be entertained, really.  Singing, even to God, even with hands uplifted, even with full emotion, is still not worship.  It is singing - or if the content is religious, it is prayer.  Not worship.

I hardly want to mention my visits to Unitarian Universalist services, which were basically secular lectures, perhaps with a brief mention of some vague spirit.  Again, not worship.

I was drawn to Islam for a time.  The prayer postures and women's hijab drew me in.  I sensed reverence.  Indeed, there is a lot of prayer in Islam - five times each day!  But prayer alone does not constitute worship.

Judaism left me confused and disappointed.  Essentially, they weren't interested in converts, so my interest fizzled out.  But when I did go to Synagogue... there was prayer and reading of Scripture.  There wasn't worship as I now understand it.

I turned my attention outside of monotheism for a time as well. 

As a solitary Neo-Pagan practitioner, I had spells and communion with nature.  I did not have worship.

And when I looked into Buddhism and even my to-this-day favorite: Taoism, the absence of worship of God weighed heavily on my soul.

In fact, it was the lack of worship of God in Taoism that brought me to Christian Orthodoxy.  Here, there was worship.  Here is where I actually learned what worship means.  There must be an element of sacrifice, and there must be an element of blood - the lifeforce that binds us to each other and to our Ultimate Source: God.  Hence, the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist provides that needed blood component for it to be true worship.

And so I thought I had arrived.  But Orthodoxy is similar to Catholicism in various ways, and so I was perplexed at some of the differences.  The absence of Eucharistic Adoration was one.  The spoon feeding of the communicants was another.  The nearly complete lack of kneeling a third.

The kneeling was also related to the Eucharist, as one of the reasons I had become disillusioned with Catholicism was that we had stopped receiving the Eucharist while kneeling.  We still knelt at Mass during the Consecration/Transubstantiation, and before and after receiving Holy Communion, just not at the actual moment of coming into physical contact with the Person of Christ, the path of our salvation, the very crux of the Christian faith, the spiritual food that sustains our souls and leads us to heaven.

For a time, I've gone back and forth between the two - Orthodoxy and Catholicism.  What one was missing, the other provided.  Between the two of them, I saw everything needed in a church of Christ.  But alas, the churches, in particular the Orthodox one, do not want us to stay in both.  For a time, I thought we could make do with alternating between the two churches.  Then I really thought we could make the switch into Orthodoxy.

So what stopped me?  The Eucharist.  Even though the Orthodox have a valid Eucharist, their belief that the Catholic Sacrament isn't valid, and the resulting arrogance about their faith tradition is very off-putting.  

For a time, I agreed with them about the idea that the Body and Blood of Christ is meant to be eaten at Communion, not adored in a tabernacle or monstrance.  After all, Jesus told us to eat and drink in remembrance of Him.  He never told us to adore Him.  But then again, He also never told us to worship Him either, and yet the whole of Christian faith is precisely the worship (or attempted worship) of Christ as part of the Holy Trinity of God.  Not everything has to be said outright to be true and useful and valuable.  (Brief aside: I grew up never hearing my family utter the words "I love you".  Yet I never doubted it and feel I had a wonderful childhood for the most part.  Those are just words.)

The bottom line was that if we were to only stick to what the Bible expressed as sayings or actions of Jesus, we would be Protestant, and since the Bible itself refutes the idea of sola scriptura, we obviously cannot err as they do.  But if there's another source of authoritative teaching in addition to the Bible, what is it?

The Catholics say it is the office of the Pope and the related Magisterium.  The Orthodox point to the ecumenical councils.  The only problem is that there haven't been any ecumenical councils since the great schism between East and West. Which means there is no recognition of any controversies in the faith for a thousand years.  Really?  There have been no heresies that have arisen since the schism?  No modern issues that the church needs to speak on authoritatively to help us live virtuous lives?

Of course there have been many such concerns.  Which begs the question, where do the Orthodox look for guidance?  If the Tradition of the Church ended a thousand years ago, the remainder of guidance is locally based, and there is nothing universal about the Orthodox Church, save for similarity in liturgical style.

I can't tell you how many times I've asked a question online and was directed to consult my priest.  That sort of begs the question - is there not an agreed upon opinion on this matter?  And if not, then am I seriously to base my faith on the opinion of whoever happens to be my local priest?  If he's a good and holy man, then great.  But if not?  And even if he's good and holy, he may have one opinion, and another priest another opinion.  Now we sort of have a situation reminiscent of the Protestant problem.  They have sola scriptura, which can be interpreted in countless ways.  Orthodox have the spiritual direction of a priest interpreting Scripture, which is basically just adding a layer to sola scriptura.

Catholicism, on the other hand, has the Catechism which, like it or not, at least has provided guidelines for people to follow if they so choose.  That's what resonates with me.  I don't have to like it or even agree with it, or even - dare I say - follow it, but by golly, I am happy the boundaries are there.  Even if I cross them, I am aware that I am doing so.

At first I just thought it was a matter of personal preference for me to have the Eucharist presented as a host (and blood/wine in a chalice, when available).  That it was a matter of getting used to a different expression.  But after some time it dawned on me - while the Orthodox do receive the Lord Jesus directly on the tongue (unlike in modern Novus Ordo Masses, which have almost exclusively moved to in the hand Communion), they still do so standing up.  This puzzled me.  For me, reception on the tongue goes hand in hand with reception while kneeling.  That is the ideal posture if you ask me.  Humble and grateful.

When I asked about this online, I was shocked at some of the responses I got.  Some people were downright angry that I should suggest there should be more kneeling at Liturgy.  At first, I really liked that there isn't this great focus on repentance, as I do struggle with Catholic guilt (aka autistic scrupulosity).  But I just didn't see the reason to actual go so far as to say that kneeling is FORBIDDEN on Sundays as they are mini Resurrections.  

There are a lot of things I don't like about the Catholic churches I've been to.  And there's a lot I absolutely love about the Orthodox church we go to. But since I do not believe one has "the truth" to the exclusion of the other, there is no pressing reason for me to convert.

What does remain is a way to figure out how to balance my desire to surround myself with beautiful liturgy which is reverent and edifying and encourages my children to grow closer to God, and also my desire to place myself and my children in the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist as frequently and as closely as humanly possible.  Since we cannot receive Communion at the Orthodox church, we must do so in the Catholic church.  And to do so, we must trade in our preferences for a style of liturgy.

I cannot make the Catholic Mass as beautiful as the Orthodox Divine Liturgy, at least not single handedly or by merely wishing it were so.  But I can change my attitude towards why I go to Mass, and how I can personally bring that reverence and beauty and offer it to Jesus.

I can wear my headscarf to Mass, even if most other women do not.  

I can insist on receiving Communion on the tongue and while kneeling, even if it's not at the altar railing but merely in an assembly line.

I can cross myself a lot more frequently than is customary for Catholics to do so during Mass.

I can insist on dressing up for Mass.

I can prepare for Mass by reading the readings ahead of time, and by stopping by the Adoration Chapel for a few minutes before Mass.

I can go to the church where the music ministry speaks to me the most whenever possible.  St. Lawrence actually had a very impressive trio that sang at the last Mass we participated in last time.

Speaking of participation, I can be more intentional about my own participation.  I can slow down when crossing myself with holy water upon entering and leaving the sanctuary.

I can be sure to genuflect before entering and upon leaving the pew.  

I can go to the Chapel right after Mass to get a little quiet reflection when others are fellowshipping.

I can make it a monthly habit to go to Confession and Adoration. Perhaps if I go on Fridays, I can pray the Stations of the Cross as well during this time.

I can continue to discern how my morning and evening prayer should evolve, and in how much of it should I include my children. 

I can continue to read the Bible and do Lectio Divina with the children at breakfast... perhaps even continuing it into the weekend to include Papi (and Abuela!)

I can start fasting without worrying about if it's the way other people fast or not.  

I can make it a daily habit to listen to various beautiful religious music - Gregorian Chant, Orthodox Chant, Gospel, Modern Christian, Traditional Catholic (both English and Polish) and sing my heart out every day!

I can see about wearing a little crucifix daily, and finding my children's holy medals for them to wear as daily reminders of our belonging to the Lord Jesus.  I need to let go of the superstition of my family of origin that one isn't supposed to place crosses on oneself, as there are already enough crosses for us to bear!  This is a superstition, downright harmful to the faith!

Thank You, Jesus, for helping me sort through all of this to see that all along I have been hoping to simply ride on the coattails of others.  I wanted to "be religious by association".  You're not calling me to be religious, but to follow You.  Now, it happens to be that in my case, being religious is a way for me to follow You, but I must keep You as my goal and priority, not the religious expressions.  Otherwise it's like putting the cart before the horse.  

The only question now is how to help my family to likewise fall in love with You and transition us fully back into Catholicism?  For the time being, we will continue to associate with the Orthodox church.  Please replace that community with a Catholic one if that be Your will for us.  Otherwise, we will simply embrace Orthodoxy for their community and esthetic, while dwelling firmly in Catholic theology and practice (which, incidentally, is open to embracing different traditions, including Orthodox ones!).

To God be the glory, Amen.

I Almost Jumped In

Well, we attended a Byzentine Catholic Mass and a Traditional Latin Mass both in one day, in hopes of finding a church that could compete with the Orthodox one we've all grown to love.  They both fell flat for different reasons.

So on the way home, hubby and I discussed making the switch and becoming catechumens in the Orthodox Church.  Only, we knew we weren't doing it bc we thought Orthodoxy was any more "true" than Catholicism, so we did not want to prevent our son from receiving his first reconciliation and communion at the Catholic church.

I got mixed messages from my son.  On the way up to the altar railing at the TLM, he pulled me aside and asked if he could've received Communion that morning.  (We technically could've, but it was a last minute decision and we didn't notify the priest that we were indeed Catholic, plus since they receive on the spoon like the Orthodox, and we thought we may be converting to Orthodoxy, we wanted that Communion Experience to be reserved for entry into Orthodoxy.  Plus, since we were attending two masses in one day, and we're only supposed to receive the Eucharist only once a day, we opted for reception at the TLM since reception at the altar railing was something I had been looking forward to.

Sadly, it was tarnished by my heart breaking for my son, who was clearly disappointed that yet again he couldn't receive Communion.  I disagree with the RCC on this, and I felt guilt for making my children wait when I believe Jesus meant it when He said, "Let the little children come to Me" (Matthew 19:14).

At any rate, we thought we had a plan, but quickly it started gnawing at me that we were proposing to be deceptive to both churches.  Even though I believe the two churches will one day be reunited, and intercommunion won't be an issue, they aren't now, and I didn't feel right taking it upon myself to intentionally deceive our intentions.  

Interestingly, when I shared my concerns with my son, who was eager to convert so that he could start receiving Communion sooner, he actually backpaddled and said that he'd rather wait bc he does want to receive his first communion in the Catholic church.

I was heartbroken.  I had so longed to be done with church hopping, alternating between churches, and I just wanted to immerse our family in one church's community without reservation.  But my conscience would not let me make such an important decision with such a big deception in mind.  

I took it to prayer as I did my other reservations.  I released my identity as being a Catholic.  I released my preference for the unleavened host Eucharist.  I released my desire for the familiar and comfortable.  Now I saw I had to let go of my desire for certainty, finality, and maybe even beauty.

The Orthodox Divine Liturgy is absolutely beautiful.  But beauty can be deceiving.  I cannot merely base my faith affiliation on beauty and feelings.  There has to be another factor in raising my children in the faith.

I've started to do Lectio Divina with the kids at breakfast.  I try to remember to include them for at least part of my morning and evening prayer.  Now I've told them we will begin going to Daily Mass at least once during the week, so that my daughter and I can continue to receive Communion, and so my son can still be around Jesus in the Catholic Eucharist, since that is where he wants to receive his First Communion. 

I also want to work in Eucharistic Adoration into our routine.  Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament overlaps with Confession times at our main Catholic church, so we will do both at least monthly.

In the meantime, we will continue to attend the Orthodox Divine Liturgy on Sundays, as our spirits are being fed there, and we are building Christian community there as well.

What's more, I see that there is no reason I can't incorporate Orthodox spiritual practices into my personal Christian walk.  I must again and again remind myself that my faith is in Christ, not in either of the two churches, even if they were started by Christ.  Only Christ is perfect, not even His churches can be expected to be perfect.

What's more, and this is something the Orthodox at our church warned about - I have started to notice the human icky tendencies among some Orthodox online.  Very arrogant in their claims and beliefs that their church is not only better than all others, Catholic included, but even to the point of being told by two people that Jesus is not present in the Catholic Eucharist.  Furthermore, while I appreciate not having a "Sunday obligation" imposition by the Orthodox, I don't like the idea of it being preferable to pray alone at home than to attend a so-called "heterodox" church (ie. Catholic) when traveling.  

There are a lot of things about Catholicism that leave room to grow and improve.  Lots.  But by golly, I feel like it is far more inclusive and understanding and reasonable and... dare I say... Christ-like because of it.  Maybe there's an element of my being used to being Catholic and not necessarily taking everything the RCC teaches as seriously as it is intended.  That is my bad.  

But in the end, while there definitely are liturgical abuses within the Catholic, the liturgy is actually not the be all end all of following Christ.  A life lived in imitation of Christ - that is ultimately the goal of a Christ-follower.  While a beautiful and reverent and uplifting liturgy certainly helps, and while the Eucharist is indeed the center of the Christian life, and while I do indeed believe the church's job is not merely to meet us where we are but also to lead us to constantly improve, I don't think isolation is the ideal expression.

I've been thinking lately about how choosing between Orthodoxy and Catholicism is like choosing a spouse.  You can't just pick the best looking one.  And even sometimes they can seem just perfect on paper, and even when we spend time together, but for whatever reasons something is just off, there's no chemistry, or there's only chemistry but no practical longevity.  Or, for that matter, if both churches are true in my mind, and I'm already "married" to one, then it doesn't matter if the other one could've been a great option bc I'm already committed to the first. 

Bottom line, I'm in need of making a more intentional effort with Catholic community.  I can't just throw my hands up and blame the churches.  I guess I have to make my own community, like the Orthodox church people have made it their community through their effort and my family and I have just benefited from their efforts.

Community Must be Local

The Jewish people of ancient times, before Jesus's incarnation, could not have belonged to Christ's One True Church (assuming there is such a thing this side of heaven).  Yet God did not forsake them.  In fact, He doesn't forsake anyone of any time or place without access to what other humans have decided is "the" way.  Jesus is the way and the truth and the life, not any one church representing Him.

If I live in an area where I can best follow Christ in an Orthodox church, then that's what we'll do.  If we are ever in a place where the best place for us to follow Christ is in a different church, we will discern that then.

Church affiliation is not the same thing as commitment to Christ, even though the ancient churches like to think so.  The idea that there is no salvation outside the church is a manipulative statement that does not come from Christ.  

Living in Christian community is exemplified in the New Testament... and it is locally-based.  There is communication between the churches, and the overseers visit the churches they had planted, but the church is a local phenomenon in terms of the daily lived experience of the faithful. 

My experience lately in the Catholic church has been lacking in this regard.  I am done making excuses and feeling bad for where I believe I'm being led.  I will not take advice from anonymous people online. Even what my local priest advises, I will take to prayer before following through.  I am prone to manipulation, and so I must guard myself against blind obedience to any human authority.  

God knows my heart and He knows the autistic brain He gave me.  I fear no human naysayers who would want to scare me into submission.  That's not how I "do" religion.  I do religion as an outward expression of my faith in Christ.  My faith in Christ supersedes any denominational affiliation.

Hypocrisy and Religious Identity

If my faith deconstruction has taught me anything, it is to trust the inner working of the Holy Spirit, to trust my ability to discern even when it doesn't perfectly align with any formally organized religious authority.  Jesus's ministry did not align perfectly with the religious authority of His day, either.  Yet He continued to worship in the synagogue.  He answered directly to God the Father.  

And if finding out about my autism has taught me anything, it's that I have to keep check on my scrupulosity and be true to myself.  My faith lends itself to dual affiliation.  I know that relativism is not terribly helpful, which is why I wish to align myself with a specific Christian Church and Tradition.  But I do not believe those outside of this tradition are not blessed by God, are not saved by God, are not drawing nearer to God in their own way.

All that said, I must take the Orthodox recommendation to stay away from non-Orthodox churches once becoming a Catechumen with a grain of salt.  Knowing myself, I know that if I wait until I am 100% convinced of a faith being true to the exclusion of no other, then I will never find a church home.  And I need a church home for the sake of my children's faith and morals.  That is my priority.  

Likewise, since my children are my priority, even though it's my own interest and preferences that initially led my family to Orthodoxy, now that we're here and I'm hesitating, I must acknowledge that it's actually not about my preferences but what it is the church is meant to do for us, and what we are meant to do for Christ.

I believe the church only makes sense when organized from the bottom up to a degree.  It's the only way to have true community, when people from among the community can weigh in on how we are going to express our mutual faith.  But we cannot be so grass-roots that there is no cohesion and no clear boundaries within which to operate.  Enter Orthodoxy.  The very argument against ethnic-based churches is what I like about it.  Orthodoxy in America is still in a transition phase.  The system works, given time.

Finally, my hesitation to leave the Latin Rite and Catholicism as a whole is based on... wait for it... identity!  And Catholicism itself speaks out against the identity ideology and politics that have taken over modern Westerner's sense of self.  We are told not to identify with our sexual orientation, our gender, our race, but to identify with our being children of God, followers of Christ.  Well, you know what?  Being Catholic is a cultural identity.  It's something additional or at times separate altogether from being Christian.  There's a sense of us versus them, this is how we do things.  That's an identity that replaced our being a child of God, a follower of Christ.

And so, when I hesitate and long for what I'm assuming can be found at the Traditional Latin Mass, I'm thinking back to my formative years of faith, where Catholicism and Polishness intertwined.  Kneeling at the altar railing, awaiting the communion Host, or Eucharistic Adoration in front of the Tabernacle... these are expressions of a faith that ought to, that must, go far beyond these familiarities.  Christ is not about comfort but sacrificial love.  If I am being honest, and I do want to follow Christ, He tells me I must pick up my cross and then follow Him.

What if my "cross" (and I shutter to even call it this, as it's so inconsequential in the larger scheme of things) is to let go of that Catholic familiarity, Catholic identity, Catholic Eucharist?  What if I'm being called to let go of the way I was introduced to Christ and take a leap of faith that there is something far greater waiting for me within Orthodoxy?  No, it won't be familiar.  No, it won't be like my childhood.

I've left my homeland and extended family.  I've changed my birth name.  I've distanced myself from my native culture.  I've made my peace with all of that.  It will always be a part of my past, but it does not need to hold me back from going where the Lord wants me next.  Who am I to assume that I'm supposed to be where I am merely because I was born into it?

And who am I to prevent my children from growing up in a true, authentic Christian community, where they can actually get to know everyone there, where they can be surrounded by positive role models, where they can befriend fellow homeschoolers?  Where they can get used to spiritual disciplines that will help them grow in virtue and wisdom?  Where their parents will likewise be spiritually fed and encouraged and supported by fellow Christians doing the best we can?

What if I table all expectations and just speak from the heart?  What if my family and I join the Orthodox Church, dive right in, embrace the whole of the faith?  Liturgies, daily prayers, fasting, fellowship, everything outward that we can do to identify with a community that will journey with us closer into the arms of the Father, that will journey with us in communion with Christ through His precious body and blood in the Eucharist (even if I don't immediately discern it's presence, location, or timing), that will journey with us as we discern the leadings of the Holy Spirit?

And then, if ever we are in a situation where we have opportunity to visit a Catholic church, either for a special occasion, or because we're traveling, or because we move and there isn't an Orthodox parish nearby, or because I feel moved to attend a TLM or otherwise receive Communion in a situation where my childhood fantasies can be fulfilled, then we pray on it at that point and go if we don't feel a hesitation?  What if I trust that God will take this hesitation away the moment I commit to trusting Him by joining Orthodoxy?

And also, what if we simply let the First Communion "preparation" at OLPH play itself out without making anything official on that end?  Of course it's not what the Orthodox would want.  They believe they have the fullness of truth, as do the Catholics.  But only God knows, and God is everywhere.  Christ is in His church, which knows no boundaries.  I believe the Lord scoffs at our human delineations.  He probably sees our bickering between denominations the way we might view local Catholic parishes competing for parishioners.  It just seems silly to us.  Yet once we get to the denominational line, all of a sudden, those differences are a matter of life or death. 

Our focus must be first and foremost on Christ.  Not on any secondary thing that may very well come from Christ.  Everything else has been filtered through fallen human hands, and cannot be thought to contain the whole of God's intent.  And so, what if we technically maintain "dual affiliation"?  What if we commit to weekly participation with the Orthodox church, and only plug my son in by virtue of First Communion to the Catholic side of things for the sake of lifelong convenience, since there are also mediocre Orthodox churches, and fantastic Catholic churches, but it all depends on when and where we are!  I do not want to limit him because I don't believe one of the ancient churches is superior to the other.

But I also don't want to limit any of us by stalling and not proceeding based on my scrupulous desire not to be a hypocrite.  The hypocrisy would be if I believed the Orthodox church is the ONLY true church, yet I continued to attend a different church.  And of course those who do believe this also then believe that I'm being a hypocrite by wanting to join Orthodoxy.  But I DO have a reason for wanting to join.  It's not because it's Ultimately True, but rather that the truth that is indeed found in it resonates clearly with my whole family, and I believe it will bring all of us closer to Christ and that is enough for me to leave the Latin rite and join myself to Orthodoxy.

In fact, because I truly feel drawn to both Orthodoxy (in the real world local church community) and Catholicism (in theory and my personal history with it), therefore my religious identity can be said to be dually-affiliated.  To deny this would be to be hypocritical.  I'm reminded of the couple who sponsored us for our Marriage Encounter.  They were very much involved in our Catholic parish, but they were also just as involved with a Protestant church plant.  From a Catholic perspective, I believe there's not the same objections as there would be from the Orthodox perspective, and I'm afraid the Orthodox would say this is an example of the many ways Catholicism has watered down the faith with ecumenicalism.  But I do value ecumenicalism, just not in the expression of worship.  That, I believe, ought to remain the same from generation to generation for the sake of continuity and familiarity, and plus, if it's not broken, don't fix it!  

So, Lord, this is a major leap of faith for me.  You know I desire external validation, and religious authority certainly provides that for me.  If I'm going to be Orthodox, I want to be "a good Orthodox Christian", yet that may not be what you're calling me to, as it would certainly involve a sense of pride in piety.  Maybe you're just calling me to be a mediocre Orthodox, but by so doing, a better parent than I could ever be if we remain Catholic or continue to waver back and forth?  Maybe the only external validation I can hope for is a trusting sense of acceptance from God?