Here is what my campaign would look like. This is a draft. I do not have the finances worked out. ;) I also recognize, through this exercise, that it is simply impossible to please all people, especially when trying to represent huge numbers of people from very divergent walks of life.
I would like to base my candidacy, campaign, and presidency on two underlying principles:
1. To make intentional decisions based on sound principles of what's best for the common good, and not based on the special interests of the wealthy and powerful at the top, who pull the purse strings according to whether their interests are met or not.
2. To uphold the separation of church and state by preventing any religious belief system from exerting excessive and unbalanced influence on public policy, while at the same time allowing and encouraging everyone to openly share and celebrate whatever their beliefs and traditions are, both religious and spiritual, without trying to stifle them in an effort to "not offend". We need more dialogue and understanding, not more avoidance and pretending that our faith (for those of us who adhere to a religious or spiritual faith or practice) does not effect the whole of our lives.
With these two underlying principles in mind, I would like to share what I would propose if it were actually up to me to make decisions on the following issues. The areas of concern are of course not exhaustive.
CRIME & JUSTICE
1. The punishment must fit the crime. Simple drug possession offenses need not waste taxpayer money on incarceration. Rather, community service and/or fines should be imposed instead. Incarceration should only be utilized for people whose crimes indicate a threat to society. The death penalty should only be reserved for the most heinous of crimes. At the same time, jail or prison should not resemble a sort of retreat, with free education, gym membership, and access to media. Rather, it should be a productive time of working towards repentance - counseling, community service, and the earning of any educational degrees in exchange for actual work that contributes to the upkeep of the facility and/or the community.
2. Native American First Nations should have priority in decision making that in any way effects their traditional land, regardless of the bottom line.
3. The age of consent must be taken into consideration in instances of statutory rape. If we as a society openly encourage adolescents as young as 11 to have access to free birth control on their public school campuses, then we must also assume that this is an appropriate age for a child to give consent to sexual activity. If this seems unacceptable, we need to stop sending mixed messages to our youth. And we must stop treating "older boyfriends" the same as violent criminals based only on the age of their partner and not on the circumstances of the encounter (ie. was there or wasn't there consent?)
ECONOMY & TAXES
1. No income tax on annual incomes at or below the national poverty line, adjusted for number of dependents. A 25% income tax on incomes at or above $1,000,000, adjusted for number of dependents. Current rate of income tax on incomes between these two extremes. No income tax on incidental, part-time, or person-to-person exchanges of money for goods or services (like babysitting, or any arrangement without the benefit of business incorporation).
2. Retirement should be set permanently at 65 years old.
3. Business taxes should take into consideration the actual income brought it, and not be taxed beyond what the business owner actually benefits from merely because they are incorporated.
EDUCATION
1. Schooling for children should not be mandatory before the age of 7.
2. Home education should be widely encouraged to help lower teacher-student class ratios for the students who remain in an institutional school setting, and to allow for more relevant educational opportunities for the students who are homeschooled. Homeschooled children should have access to all the same educational resources public-school children in their county do, such as being able to participate in extracurricular activities and competitions, attending school functions like proms and sports games, etc. Alternately, individuals without children in the public school system ought to not be taxed for supporting a school system they do not participate in.
3. Children should only be advanced to the next level based on mastery of any given subject. There is no excuse for a high school graduate being functionally illiterate.
4. High school graduation should take place once the student has reached the educational equivalent of an average Associate's Degree. Alternately, dual enrollment and vocational schooling ought to be available and accessible to all high school students.
5. Decisions having to do with any changes in the curriculum, discipline, or atmosphere of the public school should be put to a vote by the parents (and children, when appropriate) once these have had a chance to educate themselves on what is being voted on and the resulting consequences.
6. Simple dress codes (but not uniforms) should be mandatory for all students, and should allow at least two alternatives for each student.
7. All students, teachers, and staff should feel free to share and celebrate their religious beliefs without forcing anyone else to participate, and as long as these beliefs do not in some clear way discriminate others. Anyone should feel free to silently pray at any time in public without fear of harassment.
ELECTIONS
1. Presidential elections should include ALL third party candidates.
2. Felons who have completed their sentence should be allowed to vote.
3. Everyone should be allowed to vote by absentee ballot for any reason.
4. The Electoral College needs revision. There must be a way for *every citizen's vote* to count.
5. Elections should be based on well-publicized debates and possible meet-and-greet tours funded privately by the candidates. There should be no media advertisements endorsing any candidate.
ENERGY
1. There needs to be an immediate shift towards all manner of renewable natural resources as sources of energy. The quicker we embrace the future, the quicker we will be able to finance it and prevent further problems down the road.
2. No one should be coerced by their circumstances to engage in dangerous work like coal mining.
FOREIGN POLICY
1. The United States needs to withdraw from playing Big Brother and meddling in other countries' business. Unless directly asked for help, in which case it behooves us to help - according to that country's requests, so long as these are acceptable to us - in order to help stave off ongoing refugee crises around the world.
GUNS/2ND AMENDMENT
1. The second amendment should not be used as a carte blanc that allows mentally unstable criminally-minded individuals easy access to assault rifles or other weapons. Yes, every American ought to be allowed to carry a gun, but with the following criteria met: a background check to ensure no violent criminal record, a psychiatric evaluation indicating a stable mental state, a maximum number of working weapons allowed to be kept on private premises (with case-by-case consideration for hunters and others who use weapons in their line of work or , a minimum age requirement, a shooting and safety course and/or assessment, and a waiting period between the application for a gun permit and the reception of the gun.
2. Gun safety courses should be incorporated into public schools, with the option of any student to waive. These should teach both safe handling of guns, being able to assess potentially dangerous situations, and first aid for gun shot wounds.
HEALTHCARE, ABORTION & END OF LIFE
1. Abortion should not be criminalized.
2. There should be neutral referral clinics that neither perform abortions nor are religiously-sponsored that could then refer women either to a pro-life or a pro-choice clinic for further care.
3. Planned Parenthood should be defunded and abortion should stop bringing in the money that it currently does.
4. Abortion in the first trimester, including the morning-after pill, should be available on the spot to all women.
5. Abortion after the first trimester should require a wait period of at least 24 hours, during which time the woman would be provided with alternative counseling. There should be no pressure exerted either way on the woman during this period. Overnight housing for women who have had to travel long distances should be included in the cost of the procedure.
6. An ultrasound/sonogram should be mandatory before a woman can be expected to make an informed decision on what she is preparing to do.
7. Minors should not be required to get parental permission before undergoing the procedure.
8. Any abortion recommended for reasons dealing with the "health of the fetus or mother" should require a second opinion by a different doctor, either same day but in a different facility, or same facility but on a different calendar day.
9. Birth control should be accessible and affordable for all women.
10. Vaccines should not be mandatory, but should be highly encouraged.
11. The decision to end one's life "with dignity" should remain between the patient and the doctor.
12. All people, regardless of citizenship status, should have access to basic health care. This access should be affordable for all, and no one should be penalized for not having health insurance if there is no free insurance available.
IMMIGRATION
1. The federal government should not pursue raids to try to enforce immigration laws. This creates fear among both undocumented immigrants and citizens who false sense there's some danger from the former.
2. The border should be secure, but not via a wall. No one should be shot at or otherwise face death merely for illegally crossing the border.
3. Families arrested together should remain together. No child should be removed from his or her parents' care, unless the parent agrees for the child to return to a relative or friend they list by name.
4. Undocumented immigrants who have established themselves as law-abiding and tax-paying residents should be allowed to file for permanent resident status after a period of 5 years.
5. Native American First Nations should be consulted on all matters of immigration and refugees coming into the United States, and their opinion should be followed as far as possible.
LABOR & WAGES
1. The federal government should guarantee paid family and medical leave for all full-time employees.
2. The minimum wage should increase according to inflation rates
MARIJUANA & ALCOHOL
1. An individual that is deemed old enough to vote, serve in the military, marry, establish a household, etc. should also be treated like an adult in all other ways, including the ability to purchase and consume alcoholic beverages and rent a car, among others.
2. Marijuana should be treated no differently than nicotine - legal and regulated, for both medicinal and recreational use.
MILITARY & WAR ON TERROR
1. If the president is to retain the role of "Commander in Chief", he or she must have served honorably in the military.
2. The United States should withdraw all military troops from foreign lands, except where expressly requested to remain by the host country, and only as long as the host country desires it.
3. The United States should divert some of its military budget to creating dialogue between conflicting nations and groups, in an effort to become a leader in world peace talks.
4. There should be a mandatory period of civil or military duty (at least one year, not more than four years) for all citizens, but each citizen should be able to choose civil over military without having to prove some objective "conscientious objector" status.
5. All military personnel should have equal access to all jobs, and have equal expectations in terms of performance, regardless of sex, gender, etc.
RACE
1. Colleges and Universities, as well as employers, should utilize "blind" selection criteria where the selection committee is not aware of the applicant's race/ethnicity or sex.
2. There is a clear correlation between race and the prison population. The Black Lives Matter movement serves to point out that while we would like to believe that everyone in the United States is treated equally, that is in fact not the case. Therefore, those who have been marginalized deserve recognition for their unique struggles.
SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT
1. We must take it upon ourselves to be much better stewards of the natural resources at our disposal. We must lead by example, and not drag our feet complaining about costs.
2. Genetically modified foods should be labeled as such.
3. Everyone should be allowed and encouraged to grow their own vegetable garden.
SEX & GENDER
1. Marriage equity between two consenting adults is a civil right.
2. Businesses that claim religious opposition to LGBTQ rights should at the very least be required to advertise their stance with a recognizable sticker (say, a rainbow behind a red "do not enter" crossed out circle) on their website and front door, so that prospective customers save themselves the embarrassment of being denied goods and services. This would also allow those who agree with the business owner to support them, while those who disagree to take their business elsewhere.
3. Transgender people should be allowed to use the bathroom of their choice. In fact, public restrooms need to be reconfigured to allow easier access to the next available stall. This would also drastically assist cisgender women who currently dare not enter a stall marked for "men" even when there is no line for it. There should also be more family restrooms that allow for easier management of multiple children with or without diapers.
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Monday, December 9, 2019
5 Social lessons every child needs to learn (Nicholeen Peck's talk during HECOA's 2015 Not Back to School Summit
1. Roles. Person must know her or his role in life. 1828 Webster's dictionary didn't have this word. Child is a learner. Associate with adults, mentor children to expose them to additional adult role models.
2. Know the difference between Truths and Traps. Eg: "Sameness disease" - everybody's doing it so it must be true; low self-esteem; "feeling drawn to something" vs addiction. No, I cannot trust my still-developing child to problem solve on their own YET. Courage develops bit by bit by learning the four basic skills (follow instructions, disagree appropriately, accept no answers/criticisms, accept consequences)
3. Understand others and what they want. Disagreeing appropriately is the gateway to this. If a person doesn't have a skill, they revert to a habit.
4. Know how to communicate. "Master your mother tongue and you will make a mark upon the world that will be noticed."
5. Problem-solving. To teach this, we must constantly be pre-teaching.
2. Know the difference between Truths and Traps. Eg: "Sameness disease" - everybody's doing it so it must be true; low self-esteem; "feeling drawn to something" vs addiction. No, I cannot trust my still-developing child to problem solve on their own YET. Courage develops bit by bit by learning the four basic skills (follow instructions, disagree appropriately, accept no answers/criticisms, accept consequences)
3. Understand others and what they want. Disagreeing appropriately is the gateway to this. If a person doesn't have a skill, they revert to a habit.
4. Know how to communicate. "Master your mother tongue and you will make a mark upon the world that will be noticed."
5. Problem-solving. To teach this, we must constantly be pre-teaching.
What God is calling me to...
1. simplify by minimizing material possessions
2. build self-sufficient life-skills
3. spend time in nature for reflection
4. live within our means, pay off debt
5. serve community using our gifts
6. do the above as a family
2. build self-sufficient life-skills
3. spend time in nature for reflection
4. live within our means, pay off debt
5. serve community using our gifts
6. do the above as a family
Notes on Codependence
Signs of codependence
1. excessive "helpfulness"
2. giving unsolicited advice
3. discomfort being around those who disagree with us
4. manipulation via shaming
5. "parent-child" like relationships
Core problems of codependence
1. self-esteem (seek others' approval and validation)
2. boundaries (try to control others, let them control us)
3. dependence (over reliance on others' behavior, not self-sufficient enough)
4. reality (try to match my perceptions to others)
5. moderation (ask for help but don't assume it)
1. excessive "helpfulness"
2. giving unsolicited advice
3. discomfort being around those who disagree with us
4. manipulation via shaming
5. "parent-child" like relationships
Core problems of codependence
1. self-esteem (seek others' approval and validation)
2. boundaries (try to control others, let them control us)
3. dependence (over reliance on others' behavior, not self-sufficient enough)
4. reality (try to match my perceptions to others)
5. moderation (ask for help but don't assume it)
Why I follow Jesus
1. He loves me unconditionally
2. He leads me to the Father, my Creator
3. He teaches with great wisdom
4. He models a perfectly virtuous, holy life
5. He roots for the underdog
6. He makes me feel good about myself
7. I like spending time with Him
2. He leads me to the Father, my Creator
3. He teaches with great wisdom
4. He models a perfectly virtuous, holy life
5. He roots for the underdog
6. He makes me feel good about myself
7. I like spending time with Him
Friday, November 22, 2019
What if...
What if I could get the pope's very own permission to follow my conscience and believe what resonated with me about God? Would I then finally be able to breathe a sigh of relief and just be in the presence of God among fellow Catholics? Or would I still find a reason to seek and search and feel inadequate?
There are people who hold the same views as I do about God and all the various related theology. They're called Reform Jews, Quakers, Unitarians... But there is a different group of people who worship in a way that is already meaningful to me out of tradition, indoctrination, whatever you want to call it. They're called Catholics. There are subsets of both with whom I agree about issues of personal morality and social justice, which of course means there are people in both groups (Catholic and non-Catholic) with whom I disagree.
I'm codependent. One of the signs of codependence is discomfort being around those who disagree with me. What needs to happen is for my self-worth to grow and branch out beyond what my well-meaning Catholic role models try to tell me. Yes, I'm made in God's image. Yes, I'm a precious daughter of the King (God). Yes, He meets me where I am. Yes, He loves me unconditionally.
But I also hear that while it's ok if I happen to be doubting or questioning or disagreeing, it is not ok for me to stay that way. "I believe, help my unbelief" I'm to pray. Am I really supposed to spend my entire life trying to believe something I don't? Aren't there better ways for me to use not only my time but also my talents?
What I'd like to see happen is that when an issue comes up, I would feel safe saying "I have a different perspective" without feeling the pitying eyes of more orthodox Catholics trying to shower me with God's grace through their gaze. I don't want to feel like a pariah when I disagree. I don't want to feel like I'm at risk of being asked to leave or be quiet if I disagree. I don't want to feel guilty for coming to different conclusions than others who have thought through the same set of evidence.
Currently, I don't feel safe speaking up. When I'm in a meeting or class and the issue of the historicity of a person purported to have lived 4 thousand years ago comes up, I want to be able to focus on the metaphorical, allegorical, symbolic meaning of a story rather than getting into a debate about weather it is historically true or not, which frankly I think is usually beside the point.
What if Catholics actually thought Jesuits were fully Catholic? (Or is this only a problem at my parish? And no, it's not a traditional latin mass parish.)
There are people who hold the same views as I do about God and all the various related theology. They're called Reform Jews, Quakers, Unitarians... But there is a different group of people who worship in a way that is already meaningful to me out of tradition, indoctrination, whatever you want to call it. They're called Catholics. There are subsets of both with whom I agree about issues of personal morality and social justice, which of course means there are people in both groups (Catholic and non-Catholic) with whom I disagree.
I'm codependent. One of the signs of codependence is discomfort being around those who disagree with me. What needs to happen is for my self-worth to grow and branch out beyond what my well-meaning Catholic role models try to tell me. Yes, I'm made in God's image. Yes, I'm a precious daughter of the King (God). Yes, He meets me where I am. Yes, He loves me unconditionally.
But I also hear that while it's ok if I happen to be doubting or questioning or disagreeing, it is not ok for me to stay that way. "I believe, help my unbelief" I'm to pray. Am I really supposed to spend my entire life trying to believe something I don't? Aren't there better ways for me to use not only my time but also my talents?
What I'd like to see happen is that when an issue comes up, I would feel safe saying "I have a different perspective" without feeling the pitying eyes of more orthodox Catholics trying to shower me with God's grace through their gaze. I don't want to feel like a pariah when I disagree. I don't want to feel like I'm at risk of being asked to leave or be quiet if I disagree. I don't want to feel guilty for coming to different conclusions than others who have thought through the same set of evidence.
Currently, I don't feel safe speaking up. When I'm in a meeting or class and the issue of the historicity of a person purported to have lived 4 thousand years ago comes up, I want to be able to focus on the metaphorical, allegorical, symbolic meaning of a story rather than getting into a debate about weather it is historically true or not, which frankly I think is usually beside the point.
What if Catholics actually thought Jesuits were fully Catholic? (Or is this only a problem at my parish? And no, it's not a traditional latin mass parish.)
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
The Seeking Bug is Back
I'm almost embarrassed to have to admit that only a few weeks after I thought I was done with my latest faith seeking journey, turns out I was wrong. I have to trust that God is using my innate spiritual curiosity to further hone in on what the meaning of my life ought to be and where I ought to worship and serve Him.
After much deliberating, I realize that I am looking for the following four aspects in a faith community:
1. praise, worship, and reverence for God during weekly communal prayer
2. acceptance of free thinking without shaming, guilt-tripping, or fear-tactics
3. focus on study of both Scripture and the world at large
4. encouragement of personal virtue
In my current Catholic faith community, I feel only the first and fourth of the above are present. Whenever I or even Jesuit Catholic thinkers express an interpretation just off-center from orthodoxy, the more conservative Catholics start with the shaming, guilt-tripping, or (less so) fear tactics. Free thinkers are shamed for daring to think anything other than what has been accepted as orthodox Christian belief and practice for millenia. I had a hard time even bringing myself to realizing on a conscious level my doubts about who Jesus is thought to be because of guilt-tripping present among Christians who say, if Jesus died an unfair death on the cross and it wasn't to save our souls, then he died in vain, and how dare I even suggest such a thing? But what about all the other innocent people who have died over the course of time? Should each of them also be granted a divine following because otherwise they died in vain? I don't think anyone's death or suffering is in vain. God is all-powerful and can bring something good out of the worst of circumstances, even if we cannot perceive it. And while this isn't as prevalent in my Catholic parish, there are plenty of Protestant and Catholic believers who dangle damnation in hell over anyone who dares to question the gospel about Jesus Christ. (Notice I said "about" and not "of". Few Christians are actually interested in the radical self-giving that Jesus proposed.) Catholic: yes - 1 & 4; no - 2 & 3
In my years of spiritual seeking I've come across many different alternatives. The ones that most resonated with me included Deism, Quakers, Unitarian Universalists, and Reform Judaism.
Deism seems very simple and to the point on the surface - it strokes the ego of anyone who prides themself on their intellect (myself being among them). But when it comes down to it, there are two huge black holes in the Deist system. At least for me. 1) God is distant and uninterested in human affairs. I disagree with this whole-heartedly. I believe that God not only created me, but that He loves me and has a plan for my life and is willing to guide me along my path. 2) Even if that wasn't a deal-breaker, there is no communal worship of God by Deists. I have found that I need that sense of belonging. I cannot go rogue and just do my own thing. This is the reason I'm constantly searching. I cannot do like my husband or mom, neither of who actually believes most of the official Catholic teachings, yet they are happy as clams to go to Mass every week and aren't bothered by the disconnect between their actual beliefs and what they are assumed and expected to believe. I need greater integrity than that. Deism: yes - 2 & (sort of) 3; no - 1 & 4
Quakers are likewise nice and simple. Too simple, in fact. Their communal worship is more like a group meditation. There is no praise and worship of God, no official education taking place, nothing other than fellowship with an occasional insight from one of the gathered Friends. In spite of their very good track record in social justice, and the simplicity of their main testimonies of peace, equality, simplicity, community, and environmentalism, Quakers lack two important qualities of communal worship that I crave: 1) an educational component, ideally from Scriptures, applying God's wisdom to everyday life, and 2) a joint praising and worshipping of God in song, music, communal prayer recitations.Quakers: yes - 2 & (sort of )4; no - 1 & 3
Unitarian Universalists sound good on paper. There's a communal worship program with music and Scriptures (at least most of the time, from what I understand). But because they are open to any and all walks of life, there isn't a clear standard of personal piety nor even the general direction of belief. It's a hodgepodge of people who want to be accepted for who they are and don't mind it if others in their group don't actually believe or value the same things they do. I actually do believe in certain standards and I don't mind being held accountable to them. I just don't want to be held accountable in areas I never assented to. UU: yes - 1, 2, & (sort of)3; no - 4
What remains is Reform Judaism. I am very specific here about the flavor of Judaism, because there is a huge difference between the opposite extremes (I'm thinking here of say, Reconstructionist Judaism, which focuses on Jewish culture without God! versus Orthodox Judaism, which is very literal in their upholding of the Torah laws. Neither of these works for me.) Reform Judaism sounds like it focuses on all the right things: serious study of Scripture, with an openness to different interpretations and applications (for instance, circumcision and kosher dietary laws are not required). And because there is a clear, uniformly agreed-upon idea of Who G-d is, there is also a somewhat systematic notion of what this G-d expects of us in terms of personal virtue and social justice and charity. And while I have only ever been to one Jewish religious service and don't have a firm remembrance of it (plus, it was on a college campus, so it was surely a mix of Jewish flavors), from what I've gathered, weekly gathering for communal prayer involves praise and worship of God. Reform Judaism: yes - 1, 2, 3, & 4... I think. I'm going to be interested in confirming this one way or the other. At least knowing what specifically I'm looking for will help me to know if I've found it or not.
But wait! You may say. Reform Judaism is sort of leaving out a pretty important feature, is it not? Where is Jesus in Reform Judaism?
This is the #2 thought process I alluded to above that I couldn't even bring myself to admit that just because there is a creed that I recite every week with other Catholics doesn't actually mean I believe it. The truth is, I wanted to believe what the Catholic church taught about Jesus. I wanted to be as happy as a clam just going along with the whole kit and kaboodle of pre-packaged religious beliefs and practices that I was used to and comfortable with. But one tiny objection kept eating away at me. I wasn't being fully honest with myself or others. I wasn't actually bringing my integral whole self to the altar at Mass. I was checking my doubts, questions, and interpretations at the door, thereby never being fully present in the presence of God. I wasn't fooling God, of course. And I think this is why He has continued to tweak at my heart, hoping that I've learned enough about myself (and Him, and unscrupulous people who would use religion to gain control over others) to start thinking clearly about what He wants from me.
I know, this only points to a disconnect with the Catholic church, not with Christianity as a whole. But the alternatives are Orthodoxy, Mainline Protestants, and Fundamentalists. I have never ascribed to the Fundamentalist idea that God will judge us based on belief but not actions. I believe in a very different God. A loving, merciful God. Orthodoxy was on my short list most recently, when I actually thought that perhaps there was a Christian denomination that was "closest to the truth" (something I had previously believed was impossible to know), but it fell apart when I noticed the discrepancies in the Orthodox teachings on divorce and marriage, as well as celibacy for bishops but not priests, among some others. Realizing the imperfection of Orthodox Christianity, I realized I had no reason to make a lateral move from one imperfect church to another, swapping out one set of problems for another set. Mainline Protestants were vaguely on my short list as well, especially Episcopalians and Evangelical Lutherans, but using my now streamlined number system of what I'm looking for in a religious home community, I would label them accordingly: ECLA & Episcopalians: Yes - 1 & 3; no - 2 & 4. The Orthodox Christians: yes - 1, 3, 4; no - 2. Fundamentalists: yes - 1 & 3; no - 2 & 4.
This still doesn't answer the question: what about Jesus? I love Jesus. I love that He loves me. I love that He died on the cross rather than go back on what He believed to be right and true and good. I love His teachings. I love His example of a virtuous life and a courageous standing up to social injustice. I'm not sure if elevating him to the status of God is actually beneficial to my faith experience.
First of all, I believe in universal salvation. I don't think I have to be Christian to "go to heaven". I once reasoned that nonetheless, it was Jesus who "opened the gates of heaven" for all to be able to now enter, believer or not, when beforehand the gate was simply closed. But the idea of God accepting the innocent suffering of one person for the guilty sin of others doesn't sit right with me, actually. Of course, if Jesus is "the unique Son of God", then it's not a matter of God the Father sending Jesus to die on the cross as it is Jesus willingly volunteering to go. But that still leaves the Father allowing such a thing. He is God, is He not? Surely there could've been another way to get people to do the right thing? Oh, wait. The problem is that even Jesus's death and resurrection (more on that later) didn't lead to all Christian believers always doing the right thing. And curiously, lots of non-Christians are perfectly capable of selfless acts of justice and mercy.
Truth is, there are a lot of presuppositions that one must first accept as a given before even getting to the point of claiming Jesus as Savior. What if, humor me here for a minute, the story of Adam and Eve is not at all about our eternal separation from God. What if, rather, it's an allegorical story of what every human being experiences and why. Namely, we don't trust God to provide all that we want, so we try to do it ourselves, which leads us to experience separation from God. The consequence is the difficult life separate from God, but the mercy of God is in the exile from Eden - we do not eat of the fruit of the tree of life, and so we eventually die and pass into eternal existence back with God. The consequence is that we have to put up with imperfection in this life. In this scenario, there is no need for a sacrificial offering.
Perhaps I can learn more about this from studying Judaism, since Christian theology and Catholic liturgy is largely based on Jewish foundations. Maybe after gaining a better perspective from "within" Judaism, I'll be better able to commit to a continued life as a Catholic Christian? I'm not saying it's not possible. I actually hope something like this will happen because I'm truly tired of the spiritual seeking. But regardless, this is the path I must trod in order to follow God's prompting.
I am daring to trust that God Almighty - whether He is Jesus or not - will forgive my questioning and doubting, and instead appreciate my desire to draw ever closer to Him, with no preconceived notions of how that ought to look. Codependent no more ;)
After much deliberating, I realize that I am looking for the following four aspects in a faith community:
1. praise, worship, and reverence for God during weekly communal prayer
2. acceptance of free thinking without shaming, guilt-tripping, or fear-tactics
3. focus on study of both Scripture and the world at large
4. encouragement of personal virtue
In my current Catholic faith community, I feel only the first and fourth of the above are present. Whenever I or even Jesuit Catholic thinkers express an interpretation just off-center from orthodoxy, the more conservative Catholics start with the shaming, guilt-tripping, or (less so) fear tactics. Free thinkers are shamed for daring to think anything other than what has been accepted as orthodox Christian belief and practice for millenia. I had a hard time even bringing myself to realizing on a conscious level my doubts about who Jesus is thought to be because of guilt-tripping present among Christians who say, if Jesus died an unfair death on the cross and it wasn't to save our souls, then he died in vain, and how dare I even suggest such a thing? But what about all the other innocent people who have died over the course of time? Should each of them also be granted a divine following because otherwise they died in vain? I don't think anyone's death or suffering is in vain. God is all-powerful and can bring something good out of the worst of circumstances, even if we cannot perceive it. And while this isn't as prevalent in my Catholic parish, there are plenty of Protestant and Catholic believers who dangle damnation in hell over anyone who dares to question the gospel about Jesus Christ. (Notice I said "about" and not "of". Few Christians are actually interested in the radical self-giving that Jesus proposed.) Catholic: yes - 1 & 4; no - 2 & 3
In my years of spiritual seeking I've come across many different alternatives. The ones that most resonated with me included Deism, Quakers, Unitarian Universalists, and Reform Judaism.
Deism seems very simple and to the point on the surface - it strokes the ego of anyone who prides themself on their intellect (myself being among them). But when it comes down to it, there are two huge black holes in the Deist system. At least for me. 1) God is distant and uninterested in human affairs. I disagree with this whole-heartedly. I believe that God not only created me, but that He loves me and has a plan for my life and is willing to guide me along my path. 2) Even if that wasn't a deal-breaker, there is no communal worship of God by Deists. I have found that I need that sense of belonging. I cannot go rogue and just do my own thing. This is the reason I'm constantly searching. I cannot do like my husband or mom, neither of who actually believes most of the official Catholic teachings, yet they are happy as clams to go to Mass every week and aren't bothered by the disconnect between their actual beliefs and what they are assumed and expected to believe. I need greater integrity than that. Deism: yes - 2 & (sort of) 3; no - 1 & 4
Quakers are likewise nice and simple. Too simple, in fact. Their communal worship is more like a group meditation. There is no praise and worship of God, no official education taking place, nothing other than fellowship with an occasional insight from one of the gathered Friends. In spite of their very good track record in social justice, and the simplicity of their main testimonies of peace, equality, simplicity, community, and environmentalism, Quakers lack two important qualities of communal worship that I crave: 1) an educational component, ideally from Scriptures, applying God's wisdom to everyday life, and 2) a joint praising and worshipping of God in song, music, communal prayer recitations.Quakers: yes - 2 & (sort of )4; no - 1 & 3
Unitarian Universalists sound good on paper. There's a communal worship program with music and Scriptures (at least most of the time, from what I understand). But because they are open to any and all walks of life, there isn't a clear standard of personal piety nor even the general direction of belief. It's a hodgepodge of people who want to be accepted for who they are and don't mind it if others in their group don't actually believe or value the same things they do. I actually do believe in certain standards and I don't mind being held accountable to them. I just don't want to be held accountable in areas I never assented to. UU: yes - 1, 2, & (sort of)3; no - 4
What remains is Reform Judaism. I am very specific here about the flavor of Judaism, because there is a huge difference between the opposite extremes (I'm thinking here of say, Reconstructionist Judaism, which focuses on Jewish culture without God! versus Orthodox Judaism, which is very literal in their upholding of the Torah laws. Neither of these works for me.) Reform Judaism sounds like it focuses on all the right things: serious study of Scripture, with an openness to different interpretations and applications (for instance, circumcision and kosher dietary laws are not required). And because there is a clear, uniformly agreed-upon idea of Who G-d is, there is also a somewhat systematic notion of what this G-d expects of us in terms of personal virtue and social justice and charity. And while I have only ever been to one Jewish religious service and don't have a firm remembrance of it (plus, it was on a college campus, so it was surely a mix of Jewish flavors), from what I've gathered, weekly gathering for communal prayer involves praise and worship of God. Reform Judaism: yes - 1, 2, 3, & 4... I think. I'm going to be interested in confirming this one way or the other. At least knowing what specifically I'm looking for will help me to know if I've found it or not.
But wait! You may say. Reform Judaism is sort of leaving out a pretty important feature, is it not? Where is Jesus in Reform Judaism?
This is the #2 thought process I alluded to above that I couldn't even bring myself to admit that just because there is a creed that I recite every week with other Catholics doesn't actually mean I believe it. The truth is, I wanted to believe what the Catholic church taught about Jesus. I wanted to be as happy as a clam just going along with the whole kit and kaboodle of pre-packaged religious beliefs and practices that I was used to and comfortable with. But one tiny objection kept eating away at me. I wasn't being fully honest with myself or others. I wasn't actually bringing my integral whole self to the altar at Mass. I was checking my doubts, questions, and interpretations at the door, thereby never being fully present in the presence of God. I wasn't fooling God, of course. And I think this is why He has continued to tweak at my heart, hoping that I've learned enough about myself (and Him, and unscrupulous people who would use religion to gain control over others) to start thinking clearly about what He wants from me.
I know, this only points to a disconnect with the Catholic church, not with Christianity as a whole. But the alternatives are Orthodoxy, Mainline Protestants, and Fundamentalists. I have never ascribed to the Fundamentalist idea that God will judge us based on belief but not actions. I believe in a very different God. A loving, merciful God. Orthodoxy was on my short list most recently, when I actually thought that perhaps there was a Christian denomination that was "closest to the truth" (something I had previously believed was impossible to know), but it fell apart when I noticed the discrepancies in the Orthodox teachings on divorce and marriage, as well as celibacy for bishops but not priests, among some others. Realizing the imperfection of Orthodox Christianity, I realized I had no reason to make a lateral move from one imperfect church to another, swapping out one set of problems for another set. Mainline Protestants were vaguely on my short list as well, especially Episcopalians and Evangelical Lutherans, but using my now streamlined number system of what I'm looking for in a religious home community, I would label them accordingly: ECLA & Episcopalians: Yes - 1 & 3; no - 2 & 4. The Orthodox Christians: yes - 1, 3, 4; no - 2. Fundamentalists: yes - 1 & 3; no - 2 & 4.
This still doesn't answer the question: what about Jesus? I love Jesus. I love that He loves me. I love that He died on the cross rather than go back on what He believed to be right and true and good. I love His teachings. I love His example of a virtuous life and a courageous standing up to social injustice. I'm not sure if elevating him to the status of God is actually beneficial to my faith experience.
First of all, I believe in universal salvation. I don't think I have to be Christian to "go to heaven". I once reasoned that nonetheless, it was Jesus who "opened the gates of heaven" for all to be able to now enter, believer or not, when beforehand the gate was simply closed. But the idea of God accepting the innocent suffering of one person for the guilty sin of others doesn't sit right with me, actually. Of course, if Jesus is "the unique Son of God", then it's not a matter of God the Father sending Jesus to die on the cross as it is Jesus willingly volunteering to go. But that still leaves the Father allowing such a thing. He is God, is He not? Surely there could've been another way to get people to do the right thing? Oh, wait. The problem is that even Jesus's death and resurrection (more on that later) didn't lead to all Christian believers always doing the right thing. And curiously, lots of non-Christians are perfectly capable of selfless acts of justice and mercy.
Truth is, there are a lot of presuppositions that one must first accept as a given before even getting to the point of claiming Jesus as Savior. What if, humor me here for a minute, the story of Adam and Eve is not at all about our eternal separation from God. What if, rather, it's an allegorical story of what every human being experiences and why. Namely, we don't trust God to provide all that we want, so we try to do it ourselves, which leads us to experience separation from God. The consequence is the difficult life separate from God, but the mercy of God is in the exile from Eden - we do not eat of the fruit of the tree of life, and so we eventually die and pass into eternal existence back with God. The consequence is that we have to put up with imperfection in this life. In this scenario, there is no need for a sacrificial offering.
Perhaps I can learn more about this from studying Judaism, since Christian theology and Catholic liturgy is largely based on Jewish foundations. Maybe after gaining a better perspective from "within" Judaism, I'll be better able to commit to a continued life as a Catholic Christian? I'm not saying it's not possible. I actually hope something like this will happen because I'm truly tired of the spiritual seeking. But regardless, this is the path I must trod in order to follow God's prompting.
I am daring to trust that God Almighty - whether He is Jesus or not - will forgive my questioning and doubting, and instead appreciate my desire to draw ever closer to Him, with no preconceived notions of how that ought to look. Codependent no more ;)
Monday, November 4, 2019
Just a Little Bit Polish
Just a little bit Polish
That’s enough for me.
Just enough to be Polish
That’s all I can be.
My background,
Upbringing,
Ethnicity,
My family of origin
But not my identity.
Polish-yes, but American now.
Married to a Latino.
Mother to Filipinos.
Global citizen and child of God.
In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me
And at the door
They don’t check ID.
Let go of the labels, child.
Let go and just be.
Don’t be proud to be Polish.
Don’t be proud, you see?
Be content, be grateful
Be at peace, be free.
Just a little bit Polish
That’s enough for me.
29 October 2019
Monday, October 28, 2019
Serve God by Serving People
In my retreat in daily life a la Ignatius of Loyola, I am currently studying his Principle and Foundation, which summarizes the point of a Christian's life. The bottom line is this: we are created to praise, reverence, and serve God, and everything that exists can either help us to do so or hinder us from doing so. Therefore, we are to be discerning about how we use the things and opportunities in our lives, so that we are continuously moving closer to God, and not turning away from God.
I have begun baby steps in the direction of listening to God's small, still voice this year by answering His call to speak publicly on several occasions about different ways God has worked in my life. Recently, I went through a bit of a faith confusion, thinking that God was calling me out of my Catholic denomination and into a different Christian denomination. Ultimately, I realized what I had previously come to know, but this time I understand it a bit better: all of Christianity is Christ's church. There is only the one Christianity. Church is not a building nor a denomination. However, the different denominations - just like different parishes within denominations - differ in what of the Gospel they focus on. None of it is wrong per se; just one focus resonates more with me than another focus.
And so, I am learning to shed my dependence on denominational affiliation as the guidepost for how to follow Jesus, and use my denominational tradition - much like St. Ignatius states in his Principle and Foundation - to the extent that it brings me closer to God, but not if it starts to interfere with my relationship with God.
Now, I know some Catholics would argue that there is nothing about Catholicism that isn't of God, but I would beg to differ and point to various events in history, both from long ago and even recently, that prove otherwise. Catholicism is not merely a set of dogma. Just like God is not merely the Commandment-Giver. For me, for instance, Eucharistic Adoration became a hindrance to my faith. I tend to be quite literal, and while I know the church does teach the Real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, for me it crossed a line into idolatry.
How? Well, I began to be unable to sense or appreciate God's omnipresence anywhere but in the physical vicinity of a tabernacle. I became confused as I would pass first the chapel and then the main sanctuary in my church, since "Jesus was in two places" there. There were times I felt guilty for wanting to "be still and know that [He is] God" in the little garden outside my church, thinking I ought to be inside the adoration chapel instead. And with my feminist neo-pagan background, it was very difficult to find the right place for Mary in my spiritual life. I longed for Jesus and wanted nothing to take any of my attention or time away from Him. Yes, I know that Mary always points us to Jesus, but I just didn't see the reason for the extra step.
Anyway, I decided to stay. Again. But I am now aware of the dangers of trying to be "a good Catholic". Instead, I am striving to follow Jesus, and not looking to any human being or human institution to define for me what that should look like.
Which brings me to the topic of service. The other thing I realized from my recent trial of faith was that I was being called to "do more". Rather than blaming my church (parish or denomination) for lack of service opportunities, I realized service was entirely my obligation as a follower of Jesus.
I realized that God put on my heart certain issues for a reason, and that there was going to be an element of stretching me past my comfort level. I need to stay open to opportunities to serve God's people. I had a strong interest in the LGBTQ community, but after a recent event I attended, I see this is mostly a matter of the church staying out of secular law and letting civil rights be handled by all the people, not just people in our church. The other issue of course is the judgment that is so common from many Christians quick to point out the speck in their gay or trans neighbor's eye, while ignoring the log drenched in the sweat, tears, and blood of victims of ruthless capitalism that is found in their own eye.
So I can speak out and act according to my conscience in spite of opposition from other Catholics, without letting myself be bullied out of the Catholic church where they'd rather not have to deal with uncomfortable, challenging issues.
Which only means I'm staying Catholic. It does not answer the question - how do I serve God?
My idea of service goes to the saints of social activism, the heroes of missionary work, the role models of perfect selflessness. Perhaps it should, but it also is limiting and debilitating.
As a mother to two young children, I know my first priority is to them. I am not outsourcing their care or education. But I also know that I cannot make their entire upbringing about them, because that is precisely how I will raise adults who believe the world revolves around them. Instead, I want to make sure that when they are grown, they will in turn feel the drive that I feel to serve others as well, and that this desire to follow Jesus by serving others will spread and multiply.
And so this is what I'm trying to figure out as we contemplate making the move into the countryside. We want to find a couple of acres of cleared land near a friendly small town, and learn various skills of self-sufficiency. I see many benefits to making such a transition. Physical and mental health. Stronger values. Useful life skills. An even more close-knit family unit. Drawing closer to God through the beauty of God's creation. Becoming part of a small community where we can learn all about interdependence.
But what about service? Of course, we aren't talking about living isolated in the wilderness; we hope to have neighbors, albeit a nice long stretch of land away from us on either side. But the other thing that comes to mind as I think about small towns in the United States is a lack of ethnic diversity, which up to this point has always been very important to us and still is. What comes with a lack of ethnic diversity is also no immigrants, and with no immigrants, no need for ESL classes or translation services. I'm trying to think - what do small towns generally need, and how can we meet those needs? Well, there's always a need for healthcare, but we are not equipped for this. There's a need for security and policing, but that's not us either. There's education of the children, but we don't do well with other people's kids. There's mechanical and technical services needed, but again, that's not us.
And how would we "plug in" to the causes that are near and dear to us? Immigration, LGBTQ, the environment. It's true, I actually don't know much of anything about small town living. I do know there tends to be a close-knit sense of community, but that comes at a price of homogeneity. If I want people from all different walks of life, then I need the city, not the country. If I want a drive into town to feel like a trip to an international airport, then I need the city, not the country. If I want to hear different languages spoken, see different religions practiced, and different lifestyles all trying to get along, then I need the city, not the country. And yet, I don't want the city life.
What are my gifts that could actually be useful in a small town? What can I teach or write about? What can I plan and organize? How can my talents not lay dormant as we retreat to country living?
The internet comes to mind. I can write online and by way of doing so, "teach". I can vote. I can give to charitable organizations that address the needs of people far away from my future small town home, while I focus my time and talents on local needs. What if God wants me to help small town white people? I know that sounds silly, but I pride myself on rooting for the underdog and in the United States, white people - what with white privilege and everything - are anything but "the underdog." Perhaps the key is actually my pride. Maybe it's time to set aside my pride and go where I am called. Maybe I need to stop letting the secular rhetoric dictate what issues I'm passionate about. Because to God, all people are equally important. Even the privileged ones.
I have begun baby steps in the direction of listening to God's small, still voice this year by answering His call to speak publicly on several occasions about different ways God has worked in my life. Recently, I went through a bit of a faith confusion, thinking that God was calling me out of my Catholic denomination and into a different Christian denomination. Ultimately, I realized what I had previously come to know, but this time I understand it a bit better: all of Christianity is Christ's church. There is only the one Christianity. Church is not a building nor a denomination. However, the different denominations - just like different parishes within denominations - differ in what of the Gospel they focus on. None of it is wrong per se; just one focus resonates more with me than another focus.
And so, I am learning to shed my dependence on denominational affiliation as the guidepost for how to follow Jesus, and use my denominational tradition - much like St. Ignatius states in his Principle and Foundation - to the extent that it brings me closer to God, but not if it starts to interfere with my relationship with God.
Now, I know some Catholics would argue that there is nothing about Catholicism that isn't of God, but I would beg to differ and point to various events in history, both from long ago and even recently, that prove otherwise. Catholicism is not merely a set of dogma. Just like God is not merely the Commandment-Giver. For me, for instance, Eucharistic Adoration became a hindrance to my faith. I tend to be quite literal, and while I know the church does teach the Real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, for me it crossed a line into idolatry.
How? Well, I began to be unable to sense or appreciate God's omnipresence anywhere but in the physical vicinity of a tabernacle. I became confused as I would pass first the chapel and then the main sanctuary in my church, since "Jesus was in two places" there. There were times I felt guilty for wanting to "be still and know that [He is] God" in the little garden outside my church, thinking I ought to be inside the adoration chapel instead. And with my feminist neo-pagan background, it was very difficult to find the right place for Mary in my spiritual life. I longed for Jesus and wanted nothing to take any of my attention or time away from Him. Yes, I know that Mary always points us to Jesus, but I just didn't see the reason for the extra step.
Anyway, I decided to stay. Again. But I am now aware of the dangers of trying to be "a good Catholic". Instead, I am striving to follow Jesus, and not looking to any human being or human institution to define for me what that should look like.
Which brings me to the topic of service. The other thing I realized from my recent trial of faith was that I was being called to "do more". Rather than blaming my church (parish or denomination) for lack of service opportunities, I realized service was entirely my obligation as a follower of Jesus.
I realized that God put on my heart certain issues for a reason, and that there was going to be an element of stretching me past my comfort level. I need to stay open to opportunities to serve God's people. I had a strong interest in the LGBTQ community, but after a recent event I attended, I see this is mostly a matter of the church staying out of secular law and letting civil rights be handled by all the people, not just people in our church. The other issue of course is the judgment that is so common from many Christians quick to point out the speck in their gay or trans neighbor's eye, while ignoring the log drenched in the sweat, tears, and blood of victims of ruthless capitalism that is found in their own eye.
So I can speak out and act according to my conscience in spite of opposition from other Catholics, without letting myself be bullied out of the Catholic church where they'd rather not have to deal with uncomfortable, challenging issues.
Which only means I'm staying Catholic. It does not answer the question - how do I serve God?
My idea of service goes to the saints of social activism, the heroes of missionary work, the role models of perfect selflessness. Perhaps it should, but it also is limiting and debilitating.
As a mother to two young children, I know my first priority is to them. I am not outsourcing their care or education. But I also know that I cannot make their entire upbringing about them, because that is precisely how I will raise adults who believe the world revolves around them. Instead, I want to make sure that when they are grown, they will in turn feel the drive that I feel to serve others as well, and that this desire to follow Jesus by serving others will spread and multiply.
And so this is what I'm trying to figure out as we contemplate making the move into the countryside. We want to find a couple of acres of cleared land near a friendly small town, and learn various skills of self-sufficiency. I see many benefits to making such a transition. Physical and mental health. Stronger values. Useful life skills. An even more close-knit family unit. Drawing closer to God through the beauty of God's creation. Becoming part of a small community where we can learn all about interdependence.
But what about service? Of course, we aren't talking about living isolated in the wilderness; we hope to have neighbors, albeit a nice long stretch of land away from us on either side. But the other thing that comes to mind as I think about small towns in the United States is a lack of ethnic diversity, which up to this point has always been very important to us and still is. What comes with a lack of ethnic diversity is also no immigrants, and with no immigrants, no need for ESL classes or translation services. I'm trying to think - what do small towns generally need, and how can we meet those needs? Well, there's always a need for healthcare, but we are not equipped for this. There's a need for security and policing, but that's not us either. There's education of the children, but we don't do well with other people's kids. There's mechanical and technical services needed, but again, that's not us.
And how would we "plug in" to the causes that are near and dear to us? Immigration, LGBTQ, the environment. It's true, I actually don't know much of anything about small town living. I do know there tends to be a close-knit sense of community, but that comes at a price of homogeneity. If I want people from all different walks of life, then I need the city, not the country. If I want a drive into town to feel like a trip to an international airport, then I need the city, not the country. If I want to hear different languages spoken, see different religions practiced, and different lifestyles all trying to get along, then I need the city, not the country. And yet, I don't want the city life.
What are my gifts that could actually be useful in a small town? What can I teach or write about? What can I plan and organize? How can my talents not lay dormant as we retreat to country living?
The internet comes to mind. I can write online and by way of doing so, "teach". I can vote. I can give to charitable organizations that address the needs of people far away from my future small town home, while I focus my time and talents on local needs. What if God wants me to help small town white people? I know that sounds silly, but I pride myself on rooting for the underdog and in the United States, white people - what with white privilege and everything - are anything but "the underdog." Perhaps the key is actually my pride. Maybe it's time to set aside my pride and go where I am called. Maybe I need to stop letting the secular rhetoric dictate what issues I'm passionate about. Because to God, all people are equally important. Even the privileged ones.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Redefining Virtue
The development of doctrine was one of the critiques of the Catholic church by the Orthodox that I have actually come to think is necessary for a faith that is alive... At the same time, if I accept this idea, it opens up the possibility of all Protestantism being right and true. Good thing I finally understand the "one, holy, catholic [universal], and apostolic church" to refer to all of Christianity as a whole. Various denominations seem to focus on different aspects of the Christian faith, and no single one seems to be "the" true faith of Jesus.
And if the development of doctrine is right, then who gets to decide what does and doesn't fall under the umbrella of acceptable Christian belief and practice? Catholics of course would say the Pope and the Magisterium. But I just don't see how a bunch of celibate men can make proclamations that affect the rest of humanity. Based on what lived experience? And don't tell me it's the Holy Spirit speaking through them, because the Holy Spirit never required an intermediary in the Bible, why start now?
I'm at an infinite impasse, it seems. I rejected the Protestant churches I looked at previously because they didn't have the reverence, piety, holiness that I expected from a church. I found it in Orthodoxy, but then realized for all their holiness, it never seemed to transfer into a lived faith beyond the boundaries of their own denomination. I boomeranged back to Catholicism yet again, but it was short lived.
The piety and reverence and holiness present in the Catholic church... I am wondering if it is actually of God, of it is a recipe for self-righteousness. "Look at all the outward signs of holiness we're doing, see? We're right with God. Therefore, you should do what we say." I am scared to think of the alternative, but I think I must.
The religious establishment of Jesus's day was likewise all about piety, reverence, and outward appearances of holiness. To the point of excluding those who didn't measure up. Same story today, just with different outcasts. And Jesus spoke out against it. He didn't say, "don't be holy". In fact, He said quite the opposite: "be perfect like your Father in heaven is perfect" (Matthew 5:48) and "be holy for I am holy" (1 Peter 1:16).
But of course none of us ever fully lives up to this ideal: "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). The idea to on the one hand have expectations of outward piety and reverence and on the other hand an expectation to regularly confess how we fail for any of that to actually lead to a changed life is disturbing.
I hesitate to state this next wondering. One of the virtues that repeatedly seems to draw me back to the Catholic church is chastity. Very few Christian churches actually uphold chastity according to the definition I grew up with and believe: all sex is for marriage only. What flows from this then is no adultery, obviously (though how do you explain adultery to the Old Testament patriarchs who are considered founders of our faith yet had multiple wives and concubines?), but also no premarital sex, no pornography, no prostitution, and no allowing lustful desires of any kind to overcome our emotions. The Catholic church also includes under chastity no same-sex marriage, no birth control, no artificial reproductive technologies, and if I'm not mistaken, even within the bonds of marriage - certain sexual positions and acts.
I hate to say it, but it almost seems like the whole system is set up so that the faithful inevitably fail and then have to bring these "sins" to the confessional. Now that I think about it, it's rather creepy. And considering the recent church scandals, it does not bode well for the church. It appears that some clergy may be living vicariously through the sins of the people. I mean, if we're not supposed to entertain lustful thoughts, why intentionally bring them up to a priest, thereby exposing him to what otherwise may not have entered his psyche?
But the alternative, the rhetoric that claims that the purity culture of traditional Christianity has done a lot of damage to people, doesn't yet sit well with me. They don't just do away with the Catholic teachings that I disagree with (because, you know, I'm the litmus test of what should and shouldn't be church dogma ;)), but likewise premarital sex. I suppose I agree that all other restrictions can be done away with, other than fidelity within marriage. But for some reason, the idea of allowing non-marital sex doesn't sound like holiness to me. Then again, the point is not to judge those who don't live up to the ideal, but to at least have that ideal in theory something to aspire towards. Protestant churches that have redefined chastity have lowered the bar to where it doesn't actually take any effort at all to "be chaste".
One definition I've read of the new chastity is "good stewardship of one's body, and the bodies of those we come in contact with". This is taken straight from the secular culture at large, not from any body of religious writing. The thinking seems to go, since most people are ignoring the old definition of chastity, we may as well redefine it to help people not feel shamed and judged.
Except that what happens when you start to lower the bar is that it continues to go down. I've hear that in some Protestant denominations there's even a push for non-violent pornography to be acceptable within the scope of chastity. I'm sorry, but what the what?!?!
Are we then doomed to have a moving target for our moral standards? If the bar is set too low, it keeps slipping into seriously questionable territory. If on the other hand the bar is set too high, there develops a group of self-righteous who lord it over those who don't equally live up to their definition of chastity, resulting in the shaming and judging that of course Jesus warned against. ("You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:5).)
It almost seems that what is needed is what is preached by the fundamentalists - a focus on the Bible as the sole source of authority. But of course, this doesn't make sense either, since the early church had only oral tradition to base their faith on, then both oral tradition and scripture. What is needed is a system of checks and balances. There is always going to be an interpretation of Scripture. Always. Anyone who claims they "let the Bible speak for Itself" is fooling themselves. The Bible cannot be "taken literally" any more than it can be taken as purely anecdotal. It is nuanced and a respectful approach to the Bible necessitates correct interpretation. Someone or some group of people will interpret it, as they must. The question is - who and how?
I may really need to revisit the Episcopalian church...
And if the development of doctrine is right, then who gets to decide what does and doesn't fall under the umbrella of acceptable Christian belief and practice? Catholics of course would say the Pope and the Magisterium. But I just don't see how a bunch of celibate men can make proclamations that affect the rest of humanity. Based on what lived experience? And don't tell me it's the Holy Spirit speaking through them, because the Holy Spirit never required an intermediary in the Bible, why start now?
I'm at an infinite impasse, it seems. I rejected the Protestant churches I looked at previously because they didn't have the reverence, piety, holiness that I expected from a church. I found it in Orthodoxy, but then realized for all their holiness, it never seemed to transfer into a lived faith beyond the boundaries of their own denomination. I boomeranged back to Catholicism yet again, but it was short lived.
The piety and reverence and holiness present in the Catholic church... I am wondering if it is actually of God, of it is a recipe for self-righteousness. "Look at all the outward signs of holiness we're doing, see? We're right with God. Therefore, you should do what we say." I am scared to think of the alternative, but I think I must.
The religious establishment of Jesus's day was likewise all about piety, reverence, and outward appearances of holiness. To the point of excluding those who didn't measure up. Same story today, just with different outcasts. And Jesus spoke out against it. He didn't say, "don't be holy". In fact, He said quite the opposite: "be perfect like your Father in heaven is perfect" (Matthew 5:48) and "be holy for I am holy" (1 Peter 1:16).
But of course none of us ever fully lives up to this ideal: "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). The idea to on the one hand have expectations of outward piety and reverence and on the other hand an expectation to regularly confess how we fail for any of that to actually lead to a changed life is disturbing.
I hesitate to state this next wondering. One of the virtues that repeatedly seems to draw me back to the Catholic church is chastity. Very few Christian churches actually uphold chastity according to the definition I grew up with and believe: all sex is for marriage only. What flows from this then is no adultery, obviously (though how do you explain adultery to the Old Testament patriarchs who are considered founders of our faith yet had multiple wives and concubines?), but also no premarital sex, no pornography, no prostitution, and no allowing lustful desires of any kind to overcome our emotions. The Catholic church also includes under chastity no same-sex marriage, no birth control, no artificial reproductive technologies, and if I'm not mistaken, even within the bonds of marriage - certain sexual positions and acts.
I hate to say it, but it almost seems like the whole system is set up so that the faithful inevitably fail and then have to bring these "sins" to the confessional. Now that I think about it, it's rather creepy. And considering the recent church scandals, it does not bode well for the church. It appears that some clergy may be living vicariously through the sins of the people. I mean, if we're not supposed to entertain lustful thoughts, why intentionally bring them up to a priest, thereby exposing him to what otherwise may not have entered his psyche?
But the alternative, the rhetoric that claims that the purity culture of traditional Christianity has done a lot of damage to people, doesn't yet sit well with me. They don't just do away with the Catholic teachings that I disagree with (because, you know, I'm the litmus test of what should and shouldn't be church dogma ;)), but likewise premarital sex. I suppose I agree that all other restrictions can be done away with, other than fidelity within marriage. But for some reason, the idea of allowing non-marital sex doesn't sound like holiness to me. Then again, the point is not to judge those who don't live up to the ideal, but to at least have that ideal in theory something to aspire towards. Protestant churches that have redefined chastity have lowered the bar to where it doesn't actually take any effort at all to "be chaste".
One definition I've read of the new chastity is "good stewardship of one's body, and the bodies of those we come in contact with". This is taken straight from the secular culture at large, not from any body of religious writing. The thinking seems to go, since most people are ignoring the old definition of chastity, we may as well redefine it to help people not feel shamed and judged.
Except that what happens when you start to lower the bar is that it continues to go down. I've hear that in some Protestant denominations there's even a push for non-violent pornography to be acceptable within the scope of chastity. I'm sorry, but what the what?!?!
Are we then doomed to have a moving target for our moral standards? If the bar is set too low, it keeps slipping into seriously questionable territory. If on the other hand the bar is set too high, there develops a group of self-righteous who lord it over those who don't equally live up to their definition of chastity, resulting in the shaming and judging that of course Jesus warned against. ("You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:5).)
It almost seems that what is needed is what is preached by the fundamentalists - a focus on the Bible as the sole source of authority. But of course, this doesn't make sense either, since the early church had only oral tradition to base their faith on, then both oral tradition and scripture. What is needed is a system of checks and balances. There is always going to be an interpretation of Scripture. Always. Anyone who claims they "let the Bible speak for Itself" is fooling themselves. The Bible cannot be "taken literally" any more than it can be taken as purely anecdotal. It is nuanced and a respectful approach to the Bible necessitates correct interpretation. Someone or some group of people will interpret it, as they must. The question is - who and how?
I may really need to revisit the Episcopalian church...
Saturday, October 12, 2019
Leadings...
What is church for? I find myself trying to answer this question as I go through my current existential crisis.
For me, I see it as a place to come together with other Jesus-followers to worship the One True God. It's a place I want to hear the Word of God proclaimed and explained and applied to my life. It's a time set aside for gratitude to God for His many blessings. It's a sense of belonging in a community of believers. It's a place to be challenged to strive to love God more deeply, to follow Him more closely, and to serve Him more intentionally. It's a place that stands counter-cultural to the society at large, where God's eternal truths are proclaimed unapologetically, and where the message of Christ is not shied away from for fear of upsetting those who see church merely as a cultural club, a place to be reminded of God's love for them without them actually having to do anything in return.
When I think of church, I think of worship. And when I think of worship, I think of reverence, sanctity, holiness, praise.
When asked to boil down His message into a nutshell, Jesus said: "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' 'This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' 'On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 22:37-40)
Lately, I have been discouraged by the disconnect between what the secular society preaches as the gospel of social justice, and the often silent or even contrary-seeming stance presented in the gospel preached at church. I have found that some churches seem better at the "love your neighbor" part of Jesus's command, and other churches seem better at the "love the Lord your God" commandment. And before you go there, let me point out that there is a reason Jesus didn't just say "love your neighbor, and thus you will show your love for God". These are related but separate actions.
God Almighty deserves direct praise and worship from us, not merely mitigated through good works towards our neighbor through various social betterment programs. This is the holiness of the gospel of Jesus that I so crave but find wanting at so many of the churches I have visited. We as Catholics claim to believe in the real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, yet in the past few decades, we have removed many of the traditional markers of reverence for His presence. We no longer line up kneeling at the altar. We dare to take the Host into our own hands to self-commune. We can't really say we fast even if we observe the meager one-hour pre-Communion "fast" because really, that's how long it takes us to go from the breakfast table to our cars to church and by the time Communion time arrives, we haven't eaten in an hour. (Where's the sacrifice in that?) Everyone is expected to go up for Communion regardless of the last time one has received Sacramental Reconciliation.
No amount of talking or writing about the real presence of Jesus is going to convince people that He is in our midst if we don't actually show this by our actions. We are a liturgical church. We expect ritual, so what is our excuse for removing the most important rituals we had surrounding the Eucharist?
But on the other hand, our church is not quite where I would envision it ought to be when it comes to loving our neighbor. Are Catholics generally very good about serving at soup kitchens, helping the homeless, and assisting with Pro-Life issues? You bet! The only problem is that there are a lot of other groups of people that get left out in the dirt. Members of the LGBTQ community are only welcome in theory, but being gay or transgender is considered a dirty word to be avoided in Catholic circles. The same applies to issues of race and equality, especially when it comes to calling out the white privilege that many of us enjoy at the expense of our Black and Brown siblings-in-Christ. Lately, too, nationalism and patriotism have risen to the level of virtue, leading to isolation of the immigrant and refuge in our midst.
And so here I am, a twice-over revert to Catholicism, desperately wanting to follow Jesus with fellow believers who are committed to leading lives of virtue, holiness, and holding each other accountable, while at the same time refraining from judgment when it comes to the perceived virtue or holiness of others. I remember Jesus saying something about specks and logs in eyes that seems relevant here (see Matthew 7:5).
And so I embark on what promises to be a long, arduous, and trying spiritual journey not to find God, as I have done in the past, but to better serve Him. My desire for holiness pulls me in one direction; my desire for justice pulls me in opposite directions. One place I'm pretty sure I cannot remain is where I am. The Lord is either calling me deeper into my Catholic faith (secular Franciscan? Traditional Latin Mass?), or out of Catholicism and into Eastern Orthodoxy. Perhaps there is a third option, for I believe in an omnipotent God, and I also know that His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts (see Isaiah 55:8-9).
Only time will tell where the Holy Spirit leads. I trust the process.
For me, I see it as a place to come together with other Jesus-followers to worship the One True God. It's a place I want to hear the Word of God proclaimed and explained and applied to my life. It's a time set aside for gratitude to God for His many blessings. It's a sense of belonging in a community of believers. It's a place to be challenged to strive to love God more deeply, to follow Him more closely, and to serve Him more intentionally. It's a place that stands counter-cultural to the society at large, where God's eternal truths are proclaimed unapologetically, and where the message of Christ is not shied away from for fear of upsetting those who see church merely as a cultural club, a place to be reminded of God's love for them without them actually having to do anything in return.
When I think of church, I think of worship. And when I think of worship, I think of reverence, sanctity, holiness, praise.
When asked to boil down His message into a nutshell, Jesus said: "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.' 'This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' 'On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 22:37-40)
Lately, I have been discouraged by the disconnect between what the secular society preaches as the gospel of social justice, and the often silent or even contrary-seeming stance presented in the gospel preached at church. I have found that some churches seem better at the "love your neighbor" part of Jesus's command, and other churches seem better at the "love the Lord your God" commandment. And before you go there, let me point out that there is a reason Jesus didn't just say "love your neighbor, and thus you will show your love for God". These are related but separate actions.
God Almighty deserves direct praise and worship from us, not merely mitigated through good works towards our neighbor through various social betterment programs. This is the holiness of the gospel of Jesus that I so crave but find wanting at so many of the churches I have visited. We as Catholics claim to believe in the real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, yet in the past few decades, we have removed many of the traditional markers of reverence for His presence. We no longer line up kneeling at the altar. We dare to take the Host into our own hands to self-commune. We can't really say we fast even if we observe the meager one-hour pre-Communion "fast" because really, that's how long it takes us to go from the breakfast table to our cars to church and by the time Communion time arrives, we haven't eaten in an hour. (Where's the sacrifice in that?) Everyone is expected to go up for Communion regardless of the last time one has received Sacramental Reconciliation.
No amount of talking or writing about the real presence of Jesus is going to convince people that He is in our midst if we don't actually show this by our actions. We are a liturgical church. We expect ritual, so what is our excuse for removing the most important rituals we had surrounding the Eucharist?
But on the other hand, our church is not quite where I would envision it ought to be when it comes to loving our neighbor. Are Catholics generally very good about serving at soup kitchens, helping the homeless, and assisting with Pro-Life issues? You bet! The only problem is that there are a lot of other groups of people that get left out in the dirt. Members of the LGBTQ community are only welcome in theory, but being gay or transgender is considered a dirty word to be avoided in Catholic circles. The same applies to issues of race and equality, especially when it comes to calling out the white privilege that many of us enjoy at the expense of our Black and Brown siblings-in-Christ. Lately, too, nationalism and patriotism have risen to the level of virtue, leading to isolation of the immigrant and refuge in our midst.
And so here I am, a twice-over revert to Catholicism, desperately wanting to follow Jesus with fellow believers who are committed to leading lives of virtue, holiness, and holding each other accountable, while at the same time refraining from judgment when it comes to the perceived virtue or holiness of others. I remember Jesus saying something about specks and logs in eyes that seems relevant here (see Matthew 7:5).
And so I embark on what promises to be a long, arduous, and trying spiritual journey not to find God, as I have done in the past, but to better serve Him. My desire for holiness pulls me in one direction; my desire for justice pulls me in opposite directions. One place I'm pretty sure I cannot remain is where I am. The Lord is either calling me deeper into my Catholic faith (secular Franciscan? Traditional Latin Mass?), or out of Catholicism and into Eastern Orthodoxy. Perhaps there is a third option, for I believe in an omnipotent God, and I also know that His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts (see Isaiah 55:8-9).
Only time will tell where the Holy Spirit leads. I trust the process.
Celebrate Recovery Mass Invitation
My name is Karolina, I'm a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, and I struggle with codependence, boundary and control issues, and people pleasing.
This is how I generally introduce myself at Celebrate Recovery meetings, held every Thursday evening at the Parish Office.
Two years ago, I heard the announcement at Mass that there was a new ministry starting at OLPH called Celebrate Recovery, and even though it was made clear that this new ministry was relevant for anyone with any sort of "hurt, habit, or hang-up", I automatically assumed that any 12-step program must deal with addiction, and since this didn't describe me, I ignored it.
Meanwhile, I was meeting with a counselor to work on some relationship issues that had been holding me back and preventing me from truly living for Christ without understanding why. My counselor suggested I read a certain book, and when the book, which spoke very clearly to my condition, recommended Celebrate Recovery, I couldn't believe my luck.
When I attended my first Celebrate Recovery meeting, I remember thinking that this is what being in a Christian community is all about. Nearly two years later, I still say I've never met a group of more nonjudgmental, honest people of integrity.
Working the 12 steps of Celebrate Recovery has helped me identify and overcome many of my hurts, habits, and hang-ups. I was hung up on what people thought of me, which of course is bound to end in heartache. I had a bad habit of trying to control other people in an effort to feel good about myself. And I uncovered hurts I hadn't realized needed to be dealt with but were the source of much angst in my life.
You may be where I found myself two years ago. Maybe nothing majorly earth-shattering seems to be interfering in your life, in your walk with Christ. But if you wouldn't call yourself a Saint just yet, Celebrate Recovery can help.
Maybe you are dealing with something very difficult, something hard to articulate even, that is preventing you from being a better version of yourself, as the Catholic author Matthew Kelley likes to say. Celebrate Recovery can help.
Maybe you see the world from a victim perspective, and maybe you truly have been the victim of unfortunate, even terrible, circumstances. There is hope in Christ, and Celebrate Recovery can help.
But don't take my word for it. Join us every Thursday evening at the Parish Office. We gather for informal fellowship and dinner at 6:30, followed by a little praise and worship and a testimony or teaching, and finally we break into women's and men's small groups to openly share our struggles and successes with each other, or just sit in silence, offering a safe space for others to share.
There is no commitment and no obligation. Come as you are, when you can. Come late, leave early, but don't let this amazing opportunity to grow in Christ pass you by, like I almost did.
Thank you for letting me share.
This is how I generally introduce myself at Celebrate Recovery meetings, held every Thursday evening at the Parish Office.
Two years ago, I heard the announcement at Mass that there was a new ministry starting at OLPH called Celebrate Recovery, and even though it was made clear that this new ministry was relevant for anyone with any sort of "hurt, habit, or hang-up", I automatically assumed that any 12-step program must deal with addiction, and since this didn't describe me, I ignored it.
Meanwhile, I was meeting with a counselor to work on some relationship issues that had been holding me back and preventing me from truly living for Christ without understanding why. My counselor suggested I read a certain book, and when the book, which spoke very clearly to my condition, recommended Celebrate Recovery, I couldn't believe my luck.
When I attended my first Celebrate Recovery meeting, I remember thinking that this is what being in a Christian community is all about. Nearly two years later, I still say I've never met a group of more nonjudgmental, honest people of integrity.
Working the 12 steps of Celebrate Recovery has helped me identify and overcome many of my hurts, habits, and hang-ups. I was hung up on what people thought of me, which of course is bound to end in heartache. I had a bad habit of trying to control other people in an effort to feel good about myself. And I uncovered hurts I hadn't realized needed to be dealt with but were the source of much angst in my life.
You may be where I found myself two years ago. Maybe nothing majorly earth-shattering seems to be interfering in your life, in your walk with Christ. But if you wouldn't call yourself a Saint just yet, Celebrate Recovery can help.
Maybe you are dealing with something very difficult, something hard to articulate even, that is preventing you from being a better version of yourself, as the Catholic author Matthew Kelley likes to say. Celebrate Recovery can help.
Maybe you see the world from a victim perspective, and maybe you truly have been the victim of unfortunate, even terrible, circumstances. There is hope in Christ, and Celebrate Recovery can help.
But don't take my word for it. Join us every Thursday evening at the Parish Office. We gather for informal fellowship and dinner at 6:30, followed by a little praise and worship and a testimony or teaching, and finally we break into women's and men's small groups to openly share our struggles and successes with each other, or just sit in silence, offering a safe space for others to share.
There is no commitment and no obligation. Come as you are, when you can. Come late, leave early, but don't let this amazing opportunity to grow in Christ pass you by, like I almost did.
Thank you for letting me share.
Notes from Evolving Faith Conference 2019
*"The Bible is not the fourth member of the Trinity."
Following Jesus made one speaker a feminist. For me, following Jesus nullified my feminist identity.
There is a strong critique of the "purity culture". Yes, Jesus dined with sex workers, but He also said "sin no more".
"Religion" means "ligament, rediscover our wholeness.
The Garden of Eden is the womb of our childhood, idyllic, but we were meant to "leave home" and till the soil. So it wasn't a punishment to be kicked out.
*"My view of God is not the same as God."
Systems keep you from having to think for yourself.
Seminary teaches us to objectify God.
*"Evolving doesn't always require an exodus. Sometimes it just requires an exfoliation."
A people with holy imagination who didn't throw away the Bible though it was used to keep them in bondage. They didn't throw away Jesus, even though crosses were burned in their yard. (re: African-Americans)
*"What the Lord requires also requires the Lord."
"White supremacy is the inaccurate retelling of history."
Decolonialization... this keeps coming up. How do I do it? When teaching history in our homeschool, the first thing I must keep in mind is to try to avoid excessive Euro/White-centrism. The Greeks were not actually the oldest democracy but rather Native American nations. And the US was not merely built on the freedom of religion (that was only true for most of the White settlers), but on forced labor (African slaves did not come here for freedom!) and on cultural genocide and resettlement (Native American peoples did not "come here", they were here first). It matters to tell all of the narratives. But outside of this teaching of history, how else do I decolonize?
If it's not good news for women, for people of color, for members of the LGBTQ community, for the disabled, for immigrants, for the poor... then it is not good news.
Luke 1, written by Brown, colonized people: "In the days of King Herod, in the days of a despot, in the days of a man who loved to build tall buildings and put his name on it, in those days...God broke into the world."
Brown Jesus, indigenous Jesus, colonized Jesus is here to set the image of God free.
If God is love and the Holy Trinity is relationship, then sin is anything that breaks relationships.
Following Jesus made one speaker a feminist. For me, following Jesus nullified my feminist identity.
There is a strong critique of the "purity culture". Yes, Jesus dined with sex workers, but He also said "sin no more".
"Religion" means "ligament, rediscover our wholeness.
The Garden of Eden is the womb of our childhood, idyllic, but we were meant to "leave home" and till the soil. So it wasn't a punishment to be kicked out.
*"My view of God is not the same as God."
Systems keep you from having to think for yourself.
Seminary teaches us to objectify God.
*"Evolving doesn't always require an exodus. Sometimes it just requires an exfoliation."
A people with holy imagination who didn't throw away the Bible though it was used to keep them in bondage. They didn't throw away Jesus, even though crosses were burned in their yard. (re: African-Americans)
*"What the Lord requires also requires the Lord."
"White supremacy is the inaccurate retelling of history."
Decolonialization... this keeps coming up. How do I do it? When teaching history in our homeschool, the first thing I must keep in mind is to try to avoid excessive Euro/White-centrism. The Greeks were not actually the oldest democracy but rather Native American nations. And the US was not merely built on the freedom of religion (that was only true for most of the White settlers), but on forced labor (African slaves did not come here for freedom!) and on cultural genocide and resettlement (Native American peoples did not "come here", they were here first). It matters to tell all of the narratives. But outside of this teaching of history, how else do I decolonize?
If it's not good news for women, for people of color, for members of the LGBTQ community, for the disabled, for immigrants, for the poor... then it is not good news.
Luke 1, written by Brown, colonized people: "In the days of King Herod, in the days of a despot, in the days of a man who loved to build tall buildings and put his name on it, in those days...God broke into the world."
Brown Jesus, indigenous Jesus, colonized Jesus is here to set the image of God free.
If God is love and the Holy Trinity is relationship, then sin is anything that breaks relationships.
Sunday, September 22, 2019
How to Follow Jesus (in 10 not-so-easy steps)
1. Read the Bible daily.
2. Meditate, contemplate, journal, discern - often in nature.
3. Pray and praise God in song.
4. Worship with two different denominational churches for perspective.
5. Include Jesus in all aspects of life decisions, such as appearance, home stuff, parenting, homeschooling, entertainment, etc...
6. Give of my time and talent to others.
7. Tithe and share and give freely to worthy causes and individuals in need.
8. Get involved in civic duties.
9. Respect God's creation.
10. Talk openly about Jesus with others.
2. Meditate, contemplate, journal, discern - often in nature.
3. Pray and praise God in song.
4. Worship with two different denominational churches for perspective.
5. Include Jesus in all aspects of life decisions, such as appearance, home stuff, parenting, homeschooling, entertainment, etc...
6. Give of my time and talent to others.
7. Tithe and share and give freely to worthy causes and individuals in need.
8. Get involved in civic duties.
9. Respect God's creation.
10. Talk openly about Jesus with others.
Sunday, September 15, 2019
Two Dreams and Facing the Truth
I am trying to pay more attention to my dreams as I begin to discern where Jesus is leading me.
The first dream, I was in our church's chapel. There was a children's rosary going on, they called it the alphabet rosary, and there were pastel-colored tokens all over that supposedly were supposed to help the kids understand the mysteries. At the altar was the monstrance, and behind it was a young man (?) and several others next to him. The youth directly behind the monstrance was wearing a wide, red blindfold. I walked up to him and untied the blindfold.
Red is my favorite color, but also the color of the Holy Spirit and love. The fact that I untied it leads me to believe that I have been blind to Jesus's true presence permeating everything everywhere, and not being held hostage in the tabernacles of Catholic churches. Also, the sense of clutter all around in an attempt to "help" the kids pray the rosary also strikes me as the various additions and elaborations the Catholic church has laid on top of Scriptures, presumably in an effort to clarify and explain the Word of God to the faithful.
The second dream, there was some sort of retreat or even going on. Lots of movement. People gathering for pictures, eating at the table, etc. There were three different people in the dream who were moving around on their hands because their legs were missing. One was a white lady, there was an Asian young man who presumably was the white lady's son, and later a Black man, that I though was a comedian. The Black man was climbing a rope ladder.
Also, I peaked into a church to see a couple getting married. The lady was wearing a dirty white gown and what looked like a red apron or sash. They were exchanging vows into microphones. She was trying to hang up her microphone when she was done, but there wasn't anywhere for her mic to go. She then lifted her dress inappropriately high as she tried to step over the high threshold, exposing the crotch area of her pantyhose.
The three people walking around without legs seem to be telling me these are people operating with only half of what they need. The different races seem to suggest the universality of the Catholic church. Scriptures make up only half of the Catholic faith - the other half is Tradition. It seems that these people represent the Catholic walk in Christ. They do have the Scriptures, but it only makes up half of their faith, and as a result, their walk is wobbly and slow, and unnecessarily difficult to get around.
Then, the bride stepping over the threshold (with her legs) again highlights the importance of legs in this dream. I couldn't see the legs of the three people, and I didn't want to see the top of the legs (the crotch) of the bride. I didn't want to see her stepping away. She tried to speak into the mic but when that frustrated her, she stepped out. In the stepping out, she revealed something unseemly. Is she revealing something problematic about herself, or about the situation she's leaving? Is the act of leaving highlighting the problems I'm realizing about the Catholic church?
It's hard to tell at this point if I want to stay in the Catholic church or if I want to leave, and therefore I don't know if I'm reading into the dreams based on my presuppositions. Would it be easier if I could resolve whatever this crisis of faith is and remain in the Catholic church? Yes. A lot easier. For one, we wouldn't have to look for another faith community, which would include deciding on a denominational affiliation (nondenominational is still a denomination in my book). For another thing, we could continue as planned with my daughter's sacramental preparation (and my son's three years later). Also, I wouldn't have to weigh every religious practice I'm used to and determine whether or not it is unbiblical or rather worse, anti-biblical. Finally, I wouldn't have to worry about convincing my husband to join me on this journey.
But there is something compelling me not to take the easy road this time. There is something tugging on my heart that tells me there really is ultimate Truth, and that I want to find it. Up until now, Truth has been evasive and unknowable as far as I can tell. The idea of non-Christians not being saved really troubles my inner sense of justice. What of the countless people who died before Jesus was born? Before His message could reach them? What about those who have only been exposed to watered down or misguided interpretations of the Gospel, making it completely unappealing? Can God really blame a person for rejecting what they really never knew? Because even hearing "of" Jesus doesn't mean they were really presented with the Gospel as it ought to be presented. And what about those who really were evangelized properly, but their background presents a psychological obstacle to accepting the premises of Christianity? And how much of this worry is just my inner codependent?
I believe in a merciful God. I believe that even at the moment of death (immediately after?) a person can repent. But is this belief what God has revealed in His Word? Should I really worry so much about other people? Of course I want their good, that's the basic command of the Christian. But it has been an impediment to my own faith. If I admit that without accepting Jesus's free gift on the cross, I am lost and remain in my sin, what about those I love who also haven't accepted Jesus? And so I shy away from admitting that this is what the Bible calls me to.
What if I just worry about my side of the street? "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15)
The first dream, I was in our church's chapel. There was a children's rosary going on, they called it the alphabet rosary, and there were pastel-colored tokens all over that supposedly were supposed to help the kids understand the mysteries. At the altar was the monstrance, and behind it was a young man (?) and several others next to him. The youth directly behind the monstrance was wearing a wide, red blindfold. I walked up to him and untied the blindfold.
Red is my favorite color, but also the color of the Holy Spirit and love. The fact that I untied it leads me to believe that I have been blind to Jesus's true presence permeating everything everywhere, and not being held hostage in the tabernacles of Catholic churches. Also, the sense of clutter all around in an attempt to "help" the kids pray the rosary also strikes me as the various additions and elaborations the Catholic church has laid on top of Scriptures, presumably in an effort to clarify and explain the Word of God to the faithful.
The second dream, there was some sort of retreat or even going on. Lots of movement. People gathering for pictures, eating at the table, etc. There were three different people in the dream who were moving around on their hands because their legs were missing. One was a white lady, there was an Asian young man who presumably was the white lady's son, and later a Black man, that I though was a comedian. The Black man was climbing a rope ladder.
Also, I peaked into a church to see a couple getting married. The lady was wearing a dirty white gown and what looked like a red apron or sash. They were exchanging vows into microphones. She was trying to hang up her microphone when she was done, but there wasn't anywhere for her mic to go. She then lifted her dress inappropriately high as she tried to step over the high threshold, exposing the crotch area of her pantyhose.
The three people walking around without legs seem to be telling me these are people operating with only half of what they need. The different races seem to suggest the universality of the Catholic church. Scriptures make up only half of the Catholic faith - the other half is Tradition. It seems that these people represent the Catholic walk in Christ. They do have the Scriptures, but it only makes up half of their faith, and as a result, their walk is wobbly and slow, and unnecessarily difficult to get around.
Then, the bride stepping over the threshold (with her legs) again highlights the importance of legs in this dream. I couldn't see the legs of the three people, and I didn't want to see the top of the legs (the crotch) of the bride. I didn't want to see her stepping away. She tried to speak into the mic but when that frustrated her, she stepped out. In the stepping out, she revealed something unseemly. Is she revealing something problematic about herself, or about the situation she's leaving? Is the act of leaving highlighting the problems I'm realizing about the Catholic church?
It's hard to tell at this point if I want to stay in the Catholic church or if I want to leave, and therefore I don't know if I'm reading into the dreams based on my presuppositions. Would it be easier if I could resolve whatever this crisis of faith is and remain in the Catholic church? Yes. A lot easier. For one, we wouldn't have to look for another faith community, which would include deciding on a denominational affiliation (nondenominational is still a denomination in my book). For another thing, we could continue as planned with my daughter's sacramental preparation (and my son's three years later). Also, I wouldn't have to weigh every religious practice I'm used to and determine whether or not it is unbiblical or rather worse, anti-biblical. Finally, I wouldn't have to worry about convincing my husband to join me on this journey.
But there is something compelling me not to take the easy road this time. There is something tugging on my heart that tells me there really is ultimate Truth, and that I want to find it. Up until now, Truth has been evasive and unknowable as far as I can tell. The idea of non-Christians not being saved really troubles my inner sense of justice. What of the countless people who died before Jesus was born? Before His message could reach them? What about those who have only been exposed to watered down or misguided interpretations of the Gospel, making it completely unappealing? Can God really blame a person for rejecting what they really never knew? Because even hearing "of" Jesus doesn't mean they were really presented with the Gospel as it ought to be presented. And what about those who really were evangelized properly, but their background presents a psychological obstacle to accepting the premises of Christianity? And how much of this worry is just my inner codependent?
I believe in a merciful God. I believe that even at the moment of death (immediately after?) a person can repent. But is this belief what God has revealed in His Word? Should I really worry so much about other people? Of course I want their good, that's the basic command of the Christian. But it has been an impediment to my own faith. If I admit that without accepting Jesus's free gift on the cross, I am lost and remain in my sin, what about those I love who also haven't accepted Jesus? And so I shy away from admitting that this is what the Bible calls me to.
What if I just worry about my side of the street? "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15)
Christian in the Catholic church
For various reasons, I am taking it slowly as far as acting on my recent convictions about following Jesus and where He may be calling me. What strikes me is that this is much different than the two previous times I have left the Catholic church.
The first time I left the version of Catholicism that I grew up with, the cultural Catholic church, if you will. I spent time in Paganism, Quakerism, Anglicanism (which I thought was an Episopalian church), and visited or pondered Unitarian Universalism and Islam. I was looking for a good fit, not the truth.
The second time I left, it was not on purpose. Postpartum anxiety and depression contributed to my faith leaving me. I wasn't nourishing it, and so it atrophied. When I tried to regain it, I considered Reform Judaism and spent time "being" a Deist. I started to try to reason my way back to faith.
This time, while I hesitate to jump to conclusions and announce that I am leaving the Catholic church for the third time, I don't really feel like I'm lost this time. Rather, I feel like I'm trying to follow Jesus more closely. This time, I'm trying to discern the truth and follow wherever it may lead. At first glance, it is looking like it will be outside the Catholic church. However, I want to first see if I can actually be both, Christian and Catholic.
Don't get me wrong. I believe there are lots of Catholics who are Christians at heart and have a relationship with Jesus and seek to do God's will. But what makes it difficult to maintain that spiritual connection in the Catholic church is that fellowship generally includes Catholics who are not really Christians at their core. There's cafeteria Catholics, much as I once was. Or cultural Catholics, ditto. There are those who like the pomp and circumstance of the religious trappings of Catholicism but don't actually buy the Gospel at all (my mom?) There are the Catholics who would likely be a much better fit in a mainline Protestant denomination based on their faith, but they stay Catholic because it's what they're used to. I guess these would also be Christian Catholics, like those who truly believe all that the Catholic church teaches, without compromising what Jesus taught.
Although... that is where I'm at now - is it actually possible to follow everything the Catholic church teaches AND everything Jesus taught? And even if it is, I feel like it would be a lot of unnecessary work to do so. Work that takes time and effort away from truly plunging into the Scriptures and God's will.
I want to be cautious about basing my decisions on emotion, but then again, without emotion, there isn't much left of a relationship, is there? Yes, love is a commitment. Applied to marriage, it's not good enough to say you fell out of love and divorce your spouse. But to have a vibrant marriage - any relationship - there must be an element of emotion. Otherwise, you're left with obligation, blind obedience, going through the motions, and a dry ... faith, if you even want to call it that.
I didn't receive communion today. I was at a Polish cathedral and went up with my dad so he could receive. Everyone still kneels on kneelers at the altar and waits their turn to receive. In the past, I would've jumped at the chance to "receive the Lord in the proper posture of reverence". But today, at the last minute, I walked up and then walked away. I believe that when Jesus talked about the need to "eat His body and drink His blood", He was referring to the Gospel and speaking metaphorically. I think there's potential in communion bringing out that truth, but when it has crossed over into literal interpretation, it really does straddle idolatry, even if unintentionally.
I wondered these last few years if I'd ever have a devotion to Mary again. I haven't felt particularly drawn to her since leaving Paganism and feminism, and I feared falling back into those world views if I gave Mary the level of devotion that is encouraged in Catholicism. Yesterday, I thought of this comparison; I think the Catholic church has done to Mary what the secular West has done to Saint Nicholas. Both were historical figures, good and kind and noble figures that ought to inspire faith and love of God. Both have been caricatured into legendary figures that are so far removed from their actual origins that they no longer emit what the actual persons stood for.
There have been layers upon layers of importance placed on Mary, all the while claiming that each additional layer somehow makes Jesus more prominent. Mary points us to Jesus, the Catholic church says. Ok, but if I already know where to find Jesus, why stop to ask for directions?
The plan of action right now is as follows. I will continue to worship at our regular Catholic church with my family for the duration of the school year (until June of next year). For one, our kids are getting ready to start a Sunday school program based on the Montessori method, and the educator in me really wants them to experience Montessori without having to invest in the materials or private school. I also have made a commitment to lead the tiny group step study affiliated with our parish's Celebrate Recovery ministry. Also, I just asked my good spiritual friend if she'd consider mentoring me, and she has taken that to prayer, so I want to wait and see what the Holy Spirit does there. There also may be an introduction of the Green Faith certification at our parish that I have been hoping and pushing for, so if it does come to our parish, I'll want to be involved in that in whatever capacity I am needed. Finally, in the interest of taking it slowly and actually discerning and following God's promptings, I've signed up for year-long weekly meetings designed to walk me through the Ignatian exercises, something I kept starting with my spiritual director and not finishing.
In the meantime, there are a couple of Catholic teachings that are currently giving me pause that I think it's best to put a hold on. One is the reception of communion. Another is any prayers that glorify Mary at the expense of Jesus. I also would like to explore the possibility of other churches and I hope my husband will humor and join me. Once a month, our kids don't have Sunday school, so perhaps we can worship at non-Catholic churches on those Sundays. Finally, I intend to spend a lot of time reading both Catholic and non-Catholic Christian sources, as well as of course meditating on God's presence in expectation of His promptings.
The reason I feel it is important for me to take this current crisis of faith, if you want to call it such, seriously is that I can't point to anything overtly anti-Catholic nor fervently Protestant that would've sparked this desire. It's almost as if the time has come for me to take my faith to the next level.
Lord Jesus, I pray that You lead my thoughts, words, and actions over the coming months, put people in my life who will straighten out what is crooked, clarify what is muddled, and bring me that much closer to You. Amen.
The first time I left the version of Catholicism that I grew up with, the cultural Catholic church, if you will. I spent time in Paganism, Quakerism, Anglicanism (which I thought was an Episopalian church), and visited or pondered Unitarian Universalism and Islam. I was looking for a good fit, not the truth.
The second time I left, it was not on purpose. Postpartum anxiety and depression contributed to my faith leaving me. I wasn't nourishing it, and so it atrophied. When I tried to regain it, I considered Reform Judaism and spent time "being" a Deist. I started to try to reason my way back to faith.
This time, while I hesitate to jump to conclusions and announce that I am leaving the Catholic church for the third time, I don't really feel like I'm lost this time. Rather, I feel like I'm trying to follow Jesus more closely. This time, I'm trying to discern the truth and follow wherever it may lead. At first glance, it is looking like it will be outside the Catholic church. However, I want to first see if I can actually be both, Christian and Catholic.
Don't get me wrong. I believe there are lots of Catholics who are Christians at heart and have a relationship with Jesus and seek to do God's will. But what makes it difficult to maintain that spiritual connection in the Catholic church is that fellowship generally includes Catholics who are not really Christians at their core. There's cafeteria Catholics, much as I once was. Or cultural Catholics, ditto. There are those who like the pomp and circumstance of the religious trappings of Catholicism but don't actually buy the Gospel at all (my mom?) There are the Catholics who would likely be a much better fit in a mainline Protestant denomination based on their faith, but they stay Catholic because it's what they're used to. I guess these would also be Christian Catholics, like those who truly believe all that the Catholic church teaches, without compromising what Jesus taught.
Although... that is where I'm at now - is it actually possible to follow everything the Catholic church teaches AND everything Jesus taught? And even if it is, I feel like it would be a lot of unnecessary work to do so. Work that takes time and effort away from truly plunging into the Scriptures and God's will.
I want to be cautious about basing my decisions on emotion, but then again, without emotion, there isn't much left of a relationship, is there? Yes, love is a commitment. Applied to marriage, it's not good enough to say you fell out of love and divorce your spouse. But to have a vibrant marriage - any relationship - there must be an element of emotion. Otherwise, you're left with obligation, blind obedience, going through the motions, and a dry ... faith, if you even want to call it that.
I didn't receive communion today. I was at a Polish cathedral and went up with my dad so he could receive. Everyone still kneels on kneelers at the altar and waits their turn to receive. In the past, I would've jumped at the chance to "receive the Lord in the proper posture of reverence". But today, at the last minute, I walked up and then walked away. I believe that when Jesus talked about the need to "eat His body and drink His blood", He was referring to the Gospel and speaking metaphorically. I think there's potential in communion bringing out that truth, but when it has crossed over into literal interpretation, it really does straddle idolatry, even if unintentionally.
I wondered these last few years if I'd ever have a devotion to Mary again. I haven't felt particularly drawn to her since leaving Paganism and feminism, and I feared falling back into those world views if I gave Mary the level of devotion that is encouraged in Catholicism. Yesterday, I thought of this comparison; I think the Catholic church has done to Mary what the secular West has done to Saint Nicholas. Both were historical figures, good and kind and noble figures that ought to inspire faith and love of God. Both have been caricatured into legendary figures that are so far removed from their actual origins that they no longer emit what the actual persons stood for.
There have been layers upon layers of importance placed on Mary, all the while claiming that each additional layer somehow makes Jesus more prominent. Mary points us to Jesus, the Catholic church says. Ok, but if I already know where to find Jesus, why stop to ask for directions?
The plan of action right now is as follows. I will continue to worship at our regular Catholic church with my family for the duration of the school year (until June of next year). For one, our kids are getting ready to start a Sunday school program based on the Montessori method, and the educator in me really wants them to experience Montessori without having to invest in the materials or private school. I also have made a commitment to lead the tiny group step study affiliated with our parish's Celebrate Recovery ministry. Also, I just asked my good spiritual friend if she'd consider mentoring me, and she has taken that to prayer, so I want to wait and see what the Holy Spirit does there. There also may be an introduction of the Green Faith certification at our parish that I have been hoping and pushing for, so if it does come to our parish, I'll want to be involved in that in whatever capacity I am needed. Finally, in the interest of taking it slowly and actually discerning and following God's promptings, I've signed up for year-long weekly meetings designed to walk me through the Ignatian exercises, something I kept starting with my spiritual director and not finishing.
In the meantime, there are a couple of Catholic teachings that are currently giving me pause that I think it's best to put a hold on. One is the reception of communion. Another is any prayers that glorify Mary at the expense of Jesus. I also would like to explore the possibility of other churches and I hope my husband will humor and join me. Once a month, our kids don't have Sunday school, so perhaps we can worship at non-Catholic churches on those Sundays. Finally, I intend to spend a lot of time reading both Catholic and non-Catholic Christian sources, as well as of course meditating on God's presence in expectation of His promptings.
The reason I feel it is important for me to take this current crisis of faith, if you want to call it such, seriously is that I can't point to anything overtly anti-Catholic nor fervently Protestant that would've sparked this desire. It's almost as if the time has come for me to take my faith to the next level.
Lord Jesus, I pray that You lead my thoughts, words, and actions over the coming months, put people in my life who will straighten out what is crooked, clarify what is muddled, and bring me that much closer to You. Amen.
Thursday, September 12, 2019
Christian Catholic?
I have a history of being a spiritual seeker. I recently gave a talk at a women's retreat illustrating how God has worked in my life and brought me back to Himself ... twice! But already going into the retreat, I started to feel a weird sense of vague uncertainty. At the end of the retreat, and I even noted this on my feedback sheet, I felt like I was left unfulfilled. I am grateful for my current Catholic parish community for surrounding me with love and helping me come out of my postpartum depression and anxiety and back into an active belief in God's presence. I am grateful for our pastor, Fr. Eric, who recently was moved to another parish, for his example of holiness and clear leadership by example. I am grateful for the Celebrate Recovery ministry that had an active part in helping me, together with other pursuits the Lord prepared for me, to come out of my shell and claim my identity as a daughter of the King! I am grateful for the annual women's retreats that have given me that much needed time of being surrounded by constant reminders of His love and mercy.
So what's the problem? While I know it's a message that the good news has to start with, namely that we are loved by God, I am ready to move past that. Now what? I have wanted to get involved in the next stage of my faith journey for a time. This year, I started leading a small group extension of the CR ministry, but with one co-leader and currently only 2 other attendees (after over 3 months of advertising and meeting), and a cancelled Bible study I was supposed to lead, I'm thinking there's something else for me. Our parish is good about one consistent outreach ministry, feeding the homeless in our nearby city. But it isn't for everyone's talents, schedules, or current states in life.
Last year, I wanted to find out why we weren't recycling as a parish. My concerns were met with essential shrugged shoulders and a reference to the budget. Now that we have a new pastor, whose presence at Mass and elsewhere leaves something to be desired, I do hold out one bit of hope. Through my connections on staff, he will be approached in a few weeks with the idea of pursuing the Green Faith certification, which my last parish participated in. If this receives the green light, there will be something of value for me to work on at the parish that I feel will have wider implications than just our campus.
Also, I've approached a kindred spirit spiritual friend from our parish requesting mentorship. She is discerning if this is something the Holy Spirit wants her to agree to. If she does, I will also have something to cling to that will help me feel like I'm actually following Jesus, not just praising and worshiping Him and basking in His goodness to me, while ignoring the many tragedies that need attention from those who ought to be His hands and feet, as St. Therese would say.
I have been avoiding meeting again with my spiritual director lately, on one hand because her husband had a serious accident that brought back painful memories of my own dad's similar traumatic brain injury, and thus I didn't want to impose my time on her. But also, having found out on social media that our political leanings are opposed to each other, I've had to wonder if I can truly receive the kind of spiritual advice I'm looking for. After all, the truth is that following Jesus, actually following Him, IS a political action. We focus on different aspects of the gospel, however.
As these vague thoughts circled in my mind, I was at first quite confident that it was a matter of ironing out some details because, after all, I've left and returned twice. I don't expect anyone to take me seriously, myself included, if I just willy-nilly announce my subsequent departure. But thanks to the boundaries work I've been doing and realizing I need to be direct and honest with myself about my true feelings - about everything - I started to tell others and myself that the only reason I remain a faithful Catholic is the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist.
I no longer have a devotion to Mary. We pray the Rosary as a family, but I don't have any sort of warm and fuzzy feelings about it. I just use it as a tool to remember the key aspects of the Gospel. The other major "Catholic thing" that differentiates my denomination from others is the Pope. And frankly, after the most recent clergy sex abuse scandal and seeing how Pope Francis - of whom I was a fan up until this point - handled the situation, I realized I was fooling myself thinking that there was something inherently holy in obeying spiritual authority blindly. I started to realize that those who would chastise me for "going against" church teaching were in effect equating the word of the Pope(s) with the Word of God. Jesus is supposed to be the singular mediator between us and Our Creator. Jesus is supposed to be the way, the truth, and the life. Jesus is supposed to be our Good Shephard. Not Jesus and the Pope.
Interestingly, once I admitted to myself that I simply do not recognize the popes' teachings as authoritative interpretations of Jesus's teachings, doubt begin to creep in regarding Jesus's Real Presence in the Eucharist. I asked myself, be for real, why do you love the Eucharist? And here was what I came up with.
As an introvert, I love the silence available at the Adoration Chapel, especially since no one seems to respect the sanctuary before or after Mass as a time of prayer. Instead, fellowship is encouraged and praised. But feeling good over being quiet enough with my thoughts to feel the presence of God is not proof of Jesus's Real Presence in the Eucharist. In fact, on at least one occasion, I recall hesitating about whether I wanted to spend my spiritual reflection time in the Adoration Chapel, or just outside the church, on a bench in a little garden. I recalled one of the best parts of retreats was the silence and being alone regardless of location. I tested this theory the other night when I went out on our deck under the full moon and spent close to an hour pacing in the dark, praying my heart out to God. I felt His presence. I gained insights. I started to grasp the Quaker concept of the "Christ within". I carry God's presence everywhere I go. Just like I said at the end of my retreat talk, "as soon as I stop talking, stop thinking, stop planning, stop organizing, and just be.... there He is."
Yes, it's nice to have a designated place to "visit Jesus", but am I seriously going to base my actions on what feels good? That's sort of the opposite of what Jesus taught. Same with receiving Communion. I genuflect before receiving. I teach my kids to pay close attention at the Transubstantiation. We say hello and goodbye to Jesus as we enter and leave the church. All to help them have a sense of the Real Presence of Jesus. My daughter just started her two year preparation to receive her First Holy Communion. This is a big deal, a coming of age into "big kidhood". And suddenly, I'm stopped in my tracks wondering if I'm actually teaching and practicing idolatry.
The truth is this. Either the Real Presence if true, in which case it's not idolatry and I should continue as before, seeking out social justice outlets to live out my faith. Or it's not true, and I don't really have a valid, biblical reason to keep building up the falsehood.
Moment of truth. When I think of being Catholic, I think of all the things the Catholic church teaches about Jesus (and Mary, and the saints, and etc.). I think of all the things the Catholic church teaches about what's the right thing to do, what's considered virtue and what's a vice. I see the Catholic church as the filter through which the Gospel gets passed down to me. And I'm seeing that there's a problem with this. Maybe this was appropriate during the Middle Ages, before most people were literate and before the printing press. In fact, I'd say the Catholic church really capitalized on the masses' ignorance and tied them to itself. While Jesus may have hoped to have His apostles and disciples pass on the Good News to those who would come after them (after all, most people in Jesus's time were likewise illiterate), what happens when these people, tasked with such a monumentally crucial role as passing on the facts of salvation through faith in Christ, twist the message to their own advantage? After all, the masses wouldn't be any wiser for it.
The easier thing would be to just stay Catholic, keep trying to find ways to follow Jesus from the base camp that is my current faith community. It's what I know, it's what I'm comfortable with. But there's also an element of the classic Catholic guilt - what if I'm wrong? I better stay put just in case the Catholic church is right. But wait a minute... what if it's the Catholic church that is wrong?
And so, I embark on a different spiritual journey, no longer to find a "good match" to what I want out of a spirituality, but rather, in search of ... truth. The true Jesus. The true Gospel. The true Way of Jesus that His early followers embraced.
The repercussions are not lost on me. This is a journey that I must take my husband and children on, if I truly want to say, in the words of Joshua 24:15, "As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."
I must answer for myself, and then - if applicable - convince my husband, of one thing: Is it possible and wise to live out the Christian commission, the Christian lifestyle, from within the Catholic church? Most importantly, though, it isn't what I think or decide, but rather what I am led to. Is the Holy Spirit leading me to take a leap of faith and to look to the great unknown in order to follow my Savior to where He would have me? Am I willing to risk starting over at another faith community, possible over and over until I find the right one? Am I willing to cling entirely to Jesus and my personal discernment of His will for my life, trusting that He gave me my conscience not so that it would be "formed" (brainwashed?) by the filter of the Catholic church (or any other church for that matter), but so that I could commune directly with God?
It's funny. On one hand, I feel like the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, if it is true, is the most obvious way to be close to God, closer than anyone else can claim. On the other hand, if I really think about it, it's not at all the clearest path to Him. It relies entirely on the presence of the Catholic church. It depends on my access to the Catholic church. Reserving the tabernacle at the nearest Catholic church as THE place I can meet God is ignoring Him the rest of the time when I am not at church. It's putting on hold any big questions or requests until I can "be with Him" in Adoration. Yes, there is something psychologically true about the fact that when something is too common, it loses it's specialness. But there is also something to be said about what Albert Einstein once said: "You either believe that everything is a miracle, or that nothing is."
You know when I'm most in awe of God? When I ponder outer space. When I am outdoors and take in the vastness of nature. You know when I feel closest to Him, other than when outside? When I'm moved by beautiful music, or inspiring poetry, or breath-taking artwork. In other words, when I see/hear/feel God's creativity in action among His people.
I already know that I will never find a church that is a "perfect fit" for me. There are aspects of Catholic teaching and tradition that are not unbiblical and that resonate with me very much, but that are lacking in many other denominations. I am on uncharted territory here. I cannot merely "jump ship" and cling to someone else's interpretation and implementation of the Gospel. I need to depend entirely on the grace of God to move me.
I have often wondered what exactly was the good news of Jesus. I didn't get it. Clearly, something went wrong with all the Christians that have "taught" me in the past, since this should be abundantly clear. This is what I have finally come up with.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ
1. I am loved unconditionally by God, in Whose image I was made.
2. I am forgiven for my faults and shortcomings.
3. I am gifted with talents and opportunities unique to me.
4. I am called to some great mission for God.
5. The correct response to the above is gratitude and awe expressed in worship (both private and corporal).
6. I am expected to serve others as Jesus did.
7. I am expected to fellowship with other believers.
8. I am expected to study the Word of God.
9. I am expected to discern my calling through prayer and meditation.
10. I am expected to help others do likewise (aka. evangelize).
I don't know much, but I know this; if a person, resource, group, or church leaves me more confused than convicted about the message of Jesus, it cannot be the place for me.
Lord, please bless my efforts and forgive my inaccurate doubts. Amen.
So what's the problem? While I know it's a message that the good news has to start with, namely that we are loved by God, I am ready to move past that. Now what? I have wanted to get involved in the next stage of my faith journey for a time. This year, I started leading a small group extension of the CR ministry, but with one co-leader and currently only 2 other attendees (after over 3 months of advertising and meeting), and a cancelled Bible study I was supposed to lead, I'm thinking there's something else for me. Our parish is good about one consistent outreach ministry, feeding the homeless in our nearby city. But it isn't for everyone's talents, schedules, or current states in life.
Last year, I wanted to find out why we weren't recycling as a parish. My concerns were met with essential shrugged shoulders and a reference to the budget. Now that we have a new pastor, whose presence at Mass and elsewhere leaves something to be desired, I do hold out one bit of hope. Through my connections on staff, he will be approached in a few weeks with the idea of pursuing the Green Faith certification, which my last parish participated in. If this receives the green light, there will be something of value for me to work on at the parish that I feel will have wider implications than just our campus.
Also, I've approached a kindred spirit spiritual friend from our parish requesting mentorship. She is discerning if this is something the Holy Spirit wants her to agree to. If she does, I will also have something to cling to that will help me feel like I'm actually following Jesus, not just praising and worshiping Him and basking in His goodness to me, while ignoring the many tragedies that need attention from those who ought to be His hands and feet, as St. Therese would say.
I have been avoiding meeting again with my spiritual director lately, on one hand because her husband had a serious accident that brought back painful memories of my own dad's similar traumatic brain injury, and thus I didn't want to impose my time on her. But also, having found out on social media that our political leanings are opposed to each other, I've had to wonder if I can truly receive the kind of spiritual advice I'm looking for. After all, the truth is that following Jesus, actually following Him, IS a political action. We focus on different aspects of the gospel, however.
As these vague thoughts circled in my mind, I was at first quite confident that it was a matter of ironing out some details because, after all, I've left and returned twice. I don't expect anyone to take me seriously, myself included, if I just willy-nilly announce my subsequent departure. But thanks to the boundaries work I've been doing and realizing I need to be direct and honest with myself about my true feelings - about everything - I started to tell others and myself that the only reason I remain a faithful Catholic is the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist.
I no longer have a devotion to Mary. We pray the Rosary as a family, but I don't have any sort of warm and fuzzy feelings about it. I just use it as a tool to remember the key aspects of the Gospel. The other major "Catholic thing" that differentiates my denomination from others is the Pope. And frankly, after the most recent clergy sex abuse scandal and seeing how Pope Francis - of whom I was a fan up until this point - handled the situation, I realized I was fooling myself thinking that there was something inherently holy in obeying spiritual authority blindly. I started to realize that those who would chastise me for "going against" church teaching were in effect equating the word of the Pope(s) with the Word of God. Jesus is supposed to be the singular mediator between us and Our Creator. Jesus is supposed to be the way, the truth, and the life. Jesus is supposed to be our Good Shephard. Not Jesus and the Pope.
Interestingly, once I admitted to myself that I simply do not recognize the popes' teachings as authoritative interpretations of Jesus's teachings, doubt begin to creep in regarding Jesus's Real Presence in the Eucharist. I asked myself, be for real, why do you love the Eucharist? And here was what I came up with.
As an introvert, I love the silence available at the Adoration Chapel, especially since no one seems to respect the sanctuary before or after Mass as a time of prayer. Instead, fellowship is encouraged and praised. But feeling good over being quiet enough with my thoughts to feel the presence of God is not proof of Jesus's Real Presence in the Eucharist. In fact, on at least one occasion, I recall hesitating about whether I wanted to spend my spiritual reflection time in the Adoration Chapel, or just outside the church, on a bench in a little garden. I recalled one of the best parts of retreats was the silence and being alone regardless of location. I tested this theory the other night when I went out on our deck under the full moon and spent close to an hour pacing in the dark, praying my heart out to God. I felt His presence. I gained insights. I started to grasp the Quaker concept of the "Christ within". I carry God's presence everywhere I go. Just like I said at the end of my retreat talk, "as soon as I stop talking, stop thinking, stop planning, stop organizing, and just be.... there He is."
Yes, it's nice to have a designated place to "visit Jesus", but am I seriously going to base my actions on what feels good? That's sort of the opposite of what Jesus taught. Same with receiving Communion. I genuflect before receiving. I teach my kids to pay close attention at the Transubstantiation. We say hello and goodbye to Jesus as we enter and leave the church. All to help them have a sense of the Real Presence of Jesus. My daughter just started her two year preparation to receive her First Holy Communion. This is a big deal, a coming of age into "big kidhood". And suddenly, I'm stopped in my tracks wondering if I'm actually teaching and practicing idolatry.
The truth is this. Either the Real Presence if true, in which case it's not idolatry and I should continue as before, seeking out social justice outlets to live out my faith. Or it's not true, and I don't really have a valid, biblical reason to keep building up the falsehood.
Moment of truth. When I think of being Catholic, I think of all the things the Catholic church teaches about Jesus (and Mary, and the saints, and etc.). I think of all the things the Catholic church teaches about what's the right thing to do, what's considered virtue and what's a vice. I see the Catholic church as the filter through which the Gospel gets passed down to me. And I'm seeing that there's a problem with this. Maybe this was appropriate during the Middle Ages, before most people were literate and before the printing press. In fact, I'd say the Catholic church really capitalized on the masses' ignorance and tied them to itself. While Jesus may have hoped to have His apostles and disciples pass on the Good News to those who would come after them (after all, most people in Jesus's time were likewise illiterate), what happens when these people, tasked with such a monumentally crucial role as passing on the facts of salvation through faith in Christ, twist the message to their own advantage? After all, the masses wouldn't be any wiser for it.
The easier thing would be to just stay Catholic, keep trying to find ways to follow Jesus from the base camp that is my current faith community. It's what I know, it's what I'm comfortable with. But there's also an element of the classic Catholic guilt - what if I'm wrong? I better stay put just in case the Catholic church is right. But wait a minute... what if it's the Catholic church that is wrong?
And so, I embark on a different spiritual journey, no longer to find a "good match" to what I want out of a spirituality, but rather, in search of ... truth. The true Jesus. The true Gospel. The true Way of Jesus that His early followers embraced.
The repercussions are not lost on me. This is a journey that I must take my husband and children on, if I truly want to say, in the words of Joshua 24:15, "As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."
I must answer for myself, and then - if applicable - convince my husband, of one thing: Is it possible and wise to live out the Christian commission, the Christian lifestyle, from within the Catholic church? Most importantly, though, it isn't what I think or decide, but rather what I am led to. Is the Holy Spirit leading me to take a leap of faith and to look to the great unknown in order to follow my Savior to where He would have me? Am I willing to risk starting over at another faith community, possible over and over until I find the right one? Am I willing to cling entirely to Jesus and my personal discernment of His will for my life, trusting that He gave me my conscience not so that it would be "formed" (brainwashed?) by the filter of the Catholic church (or any other church for that matter), but so that I could commune directly with God?
It's funny. On one hand, I feel like the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, if it is true, is the most obvious way to be close to God, closer than anyone else can claim. On the other hand, if I really think about it, it's not at all the clearest path to Him. It relies entirely on the presence of the Catholic church. It depends on my access to the Catholic church. Reserving the tabernacle at the nearest Catholic church as THE place I can meet God is ignoring Him the rest of the time when I am not at church. It's putting on hold any big questions or requests until I can "be with Him" in Adoration. Yes, there is something psychologically true about the fact that when something is too common, it loses it's specialness. But there is also something to be said about what Albert Einstein once said: "You either believe that everything is a miracle, or that nothing is."
You know when I'm most in awe of God? When I ponder outer space. When I am outdoors and take in the vastness of nature. You know when I feel closest to Him, other than when outside? When I'm moved by beautiful music, or inspiring poetry, or breath-taking artwork. In other words, when I see/hear/feel God's creativity in action among His people.
I already know that I will never find a church that is a "perfect fit" for me. There are aspects of Catholic teaching and tradition that are not unbiblical and that resonate with me very much, but that are lacking in many other denominations. I am on uncharted territory here. I cannot merely "jump ship" and cling to someone else's interpretation and implementation of the Gospel. I need to depend entirely on the grace of God to move me.
I have often wondered what exactly was the good news of Jesus. I didn't get it. Clearly, something went wrong with all the Christians that have "taught" me in the past, since this should be abundantly clear. This is what I have finally come up with.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ
1. I am loved unconditionally by God, in Whose image I was made.
2. I am forgiven for my faults and shortcomings.
3. I am gifted with talents and opportunities unique to me.
4. I am called to some great mission for God.
5. The correct response to the above is gratitude and awe expressed in worship (both private and corporal).
6. I am expected to serve others as Jesus did.
7. I am expected to fellowship with other believers.
8. I am expected to study the Word of God.
9. I am expected to discern my calling through prayer and meditation.
10. I am expected to help others do likewise (aka. evangelize).
I don't know much, but I know this; if a person, resource, group, or church leaves me more confused than convicted about the message of Jesus, it cannot be the place for me.
Lord, please bless my efforts and forgive my inaccurate doubts. Amen.
Thursday, September 5, 2019
Why I Didn't Convert to These Religions
Various faith traditions over the millenia have made efforts
to try to explain the unexplainable and make sense of the universe, to find our
purpose in life and look towards something beyond the material. Over the years, I’ve researched many of these
traditions, and having decided to stick with the religious tradition of my upbringing,
I note below why these other faith traditions didn’t convince me to convert (although
many came very close).
Hinduism is probably the farthest removed from a helpful
explanation of the human condition, for it merely recognizes the unfortunate inequality
between people and, rather than being motivated to reach beyond oneself to help
others, it simply places blame on them so as to relieve oneself of any
obligation to serve others. Hindus fear
becoming like the less fortunate in a future life, and this fear motivates them
to attempt to earn a better social standing.
Yet somehow this motivation does not actually do much to help those
already in lesser position.
Native American and many other indigenous spiritualities
often recognize the importance of creation and our responsibility towards it,
but they merge that which was created with Who created it. Polytheism is an attempt to reach for an
origin to what we see, yet somehow the idea of a single Source is lost on those
who believe in various gods and goddesses.
For a long time I have been fascinated with eastern philosophies
of Taoism and Buddhism. Taoism focuses
on the balance of everything in nature, which is absolutely true and beautiful
to reflect on. What it fails to recognize
a loving Creator God behind the very principles that the philosophy
observes. Buddhism recognizes the
inevitability of suffering in this world and acknowledges that it is desire
that is behind suffering, yet it fails to recognize that our desires are not in
themselves somehow wrong or misplaced, and therefore the premise of Buddhism’s
attempt to snuff out desire is ill-placed.
The desire is placed their by our Creator God, and it points to an
eternal existence that cannot be realized in our earthly realm. It is not bad to want good things for oneself. It only becomes bad when a person becomes a
slave to the desire and fails to look beyond it. Certain desires are certainly to be overcome
with grace and discipline, but other desires point us to the very real human
need to fill a void that can only be filled by God Himself.
Shintoism focuses on ancestors, believing that there is a
divination process that takes place upon death, and one’s ancestors become gods
who must then be worshipped. Of course,
one’s elders ought to be respected, and there’s truth in the belief of life
after death. But what’s missing is the
Creator God.
Islam and Judaism, in my view, are two sides of the same
coin. Both recognize a single Creator
God and the need to “do good”. It would
seem the reason Islam came into being is because of political reasons. People longed for the one true God but couldn’t
imagine “joining” the already existing Judaism (or Christianity, for that
matter). This is of course a simplistic
observation of a mere amateur bystander.
Christianity, at its core, incorporates all of these
aspects. It recognizes the problem of
inequality among people, the interconnectedness of everyone and creation, the
existence of opposites in all aspects of life, the value of those who have come
before us, and the recognition that we all it all to a single Creator God. What distinguishes Christianity from Judaism
and Islam is the level of control that we actually have over it all. Judaism and Islam indicate that enough “good
works” will satisfy God and grant us access to Him in the afterlife. Christianity realizes the futility of this approach
and instead notes that while we are indeed called to “good works”, these are
not what “get us into heaven”. Rather,
it is simply God’s grace, a free gift of self-giving love, that enables us to
be saved from our own downfall. He loved
us enough to take the blame for our sins.
No amount of penance would ever completely erase the wrongs of our
erroneous thoughts, words, deeds, and omissions over the course of a
lifetime. Yet though He’s a just God, more
than that He is a loving and therefore forgiving God.
The difference between a Christian’s good works and those of a
Muslim or Jew is that the Christian, if truly living according to the Gospel,
does the good deeds out of a sense of gratitude to God for having been saved, not
out of a sense of obligation or fear or in the hopes of manipulating God to
favor her or him in the afterlife. In other
words, the Christian is motivated by love.
Except that many in-name-only Christians misrepresent Jesus
and what He calls us to. They prioritize
the incidentals and minimize the crucial gospel-living behavior. They worship in churches on Sundays (or Saturdays),
they speak openly about their love of Jesus, they quickly point out the
wrongdoing of others and quote relevant Scriptures to back up their judgment
calls, they claim to love the unbelievers and want nothing more than to see
them in heaven… All while they ignore the marginalized of society, focus only
on the in-group (Americans are in no way immune to ethnocentricity, even if
there isn’t a single ethnicity that defines Americans), and selectively point
to Scriptures excusing them from help. Luke
11:42 speaks to this phenomenon: “But woe to you Pharisees! For you pay tithe of mint and rue and every
kind of garden herb, and yet disregard justice and the love of God; but these
are the things you should have done without neglecting the others.”
Yes, it is
important to keep the Sabbath holy, dress modestly, and share the gospel with
unbelievers… but not without also helping the immigrant, visiting the ill and
prisoner, reaching out to the unwanted, speaking truth to power. It’s not an either-or scenario. Doing the outward, obvious, and – dare I say –
easy part does not exempt one from the Christian responsibility to put oneself
out there, risk ridicule and ostracism along with our brothers and sisters whom
we are to help, serve, and thereby lead to Christ.
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