In recent weeks, I have returned to the research of Christian Orthodoxy. My rigid thinking has constantly stood in my way of pursuing what I feel God is calling me towards. Finally, I realized that the goal, much like the title of this blog, is not perfection but holiness, and that I believe Orthodoxy can help me on that precise journey.
I once told a therapist that I could not imagine finding the will to live if I did not believe in God. I often wondered about the details of God's nature or will for me, but the idea of God's nonexistence was pretty nonsensical to me. I finally distinguished between God and religion, spirituality and religion, and started down the path of finding the best place to be in the presence of God. Previously on my spiritual journey, when I equated religion with God, I thought I was looking for "the perfect religion". Inevitably, once I got a little into the research, I would find things I saw as imperfections and abandoned my pursuit. I always defaulted back to the faith tradition of my upbringing, figuring that it was better than nothing.
But now, since I already know religions are human attempts to respond to God, and therefore are bound to have imperfections in their approach or interpretation, I'm looking for something else. I'm looking for a place to belong where I can experience God's presence, where I can be challenged to grow in virtue and become a better version of myself, and where I can experience the embodied worship that I so crave.
In the past, I found myself agreeing theologically with Quakers and Unitarian Universalists, but considering how they have no creed or dogma and are quite liberal in their theology, pretty much anyone could find themselves agreeing with them. What I found lacking in both was worship, and worship in the sense that I understand it - embodied. I do not just believe in God. That would make me a Deist, and I already tried that and found it wanting. I want to worship God. I believe that God deserves it, and that acts of worship help me position myself in a proper relationship with God, my Maker. Worship allows me to rest in the knowledge that there is Someone bigger than me who is in charge, and the weight of the world is not on my shoulders.
Long story short, I seem to have found that proper worship I so crave in the Orthodox church. Now, it's a matter of learning all I can about the different types of Orthodoxy, visiting the different Orthodox churches in my area, and finding a place where both my children, my husband, and I all feel God's presence. I want this to be a family adventure. I need to get my children into a church that they adore as much as I do, because my almost 8 year old daughter is already tepid in her faith, after finally having received her First Reconciliation and First Communion sacraments earlier this year!
Right now, my almost 5 year old son is enrolled in a very nice Sunday school at our current Catholic church, based on Motessori methods. Since it's a great chance for him to be around other children and work with Montessori works (because we homeschool, and so have to be intentional in the activities the kids participate in), we are committed to attending church at the time and place of his Sunday school.
But on the days where he doesn't have Sunday school, we are free to go where we feel led, and right now that is the Greek Orthodox church we have visited a few weeks ago. I've also gone to Vespers one Saturday at an American Orthodox church. I'm only getting my feet wet and the idea of joining the Antioch Orthodox church thrills me - Antioch is the place where the Apostles of Jesus were first called Christians! Talk about returning to the roots of the faith!
The bottom line is that I am choosing to express my faith in God according to a certain organized religion. It is not a comment on that religion's "factual truth" over all others. That is not up to me. Staying so wrapped up in my head is what got me away from God in the first place. Rather, I am choosing the religion/church/interpretation/application that resonates with ME, where I believe God is calling ME, and that is the Orthodox Church.
I feel as though leaving Catholicism behind this time will be a slow transition, but one made not in anger but rather with a sense of accomplishment. Catholicism has offered me everything it could, and I am grateful for it. I am grateful for Catholicism having instilled in me a love of liturgy, a desire for reverence, the idea of a domestic church.... but I am happy to let go of those aspects of Catholicism that I was no longer convinced about, and replace them with ideas and traditions more ancient than those in my local catholic church, but which feel more fresh and exciting to me as a newcomer. In a sense, it's like I'm returning home after a long journey. The labels have changed. A few other details, too. But all in all, I have found "the house of God" yet again.
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