I'm not the kind of Catholic you want me to be. I'm Catholic by virtue of the location of my birth, the religion of my family, and the reception of the Sacraments when I was a child. I cannot opt out of being Catholic, according to the Catholic church, yet fellow Catholics who pride (sic) themselves on being pious, by the book Catholics, argue that I'm not a real Catholic if I don't fully believe in everything the Catholic church teaches. Well, which is it? Am I in or am I out? Because this one foot in and one foot out business is not working for me. Either let me sever my ties, or leave my conscience between God and me. But do not forever tell me that I have to be Catholic because I already am, and at the same time, that I'm not a good enough Catholic because I don't actually ascribe to everything that comes with that label. I am a cradle Catholic, not a convert, which means that I am Catholic by default. I did not seek out Catholicism, and so there is no reason why I should be held to the standards of Catholics by choice. Interestingly, this is why I recently realized I couldn't convert to Christian Orthodoxy. Because if I convert, I knowingly take on the faith as a whole, even if I may not fully understand it, but I at least desire to make the faith my own of my own free will. Anything less than that would be dishonest, and that goes against my personal ethic, which does not depend on a religion telling me what is integrity, since that has been written directly on my heart, directly by God.
So in a way, I'm the kind of Catholic that has the best of both worlds. I can claim Catholicism as my identity without feeling pressured or shamed into accepting everything taught by the Vatican, precisely because I did not ask to be Catholic, and there isn't a way for me to withdraw my membership. Sort of like being a secular Jew. Except Jews as a whole don't tend to bully each other about their personal beliefs. First, because they acknowledge this idea that being Jewish is about more than just a religion. Second, because their religion is about more doing and less believing. It's about peoplehood and community. And apparently, this very reason is why I ended up not converting to Judaism when I began to think about it. To do so would imply that I am joining a group that sets itself apart from the rest. Jews vs Gentiles. I would continue to be an ethnic gentile, but a religious Jew. Essentially, I would not be fully either any more.
Interestingly, Muslims believe everyone is born a Muslim, so any converts are more like reverts. But this is in theory. In practice, Islam is so interwoven with culture (as most religions are), that unless one grows up with it, marries into it, or otherwise is able to move into an immersion experience of it, one will feel like "being Muslim" is something one "does" rather than "is". Well, I can only speak for myself, really. This is how I would feel.
The Bahai seem to be on to something by leaning towards omnism, but they nonetheless have a prophet and do not accept same sex relationships on an equal footing with heterosexual couples. I've often run into this sort of dilemma. Many religions seem to "progress" in the very areas I would leave well enough alone, while holding fast to tradition precisely where I think progress is needed. The Second Vatican Council of the Catholic church is an example. The beauty and mystery of the Mass was done away with, while the priesthood remains closed to women, and marriage remains off the table for same sex couples. I'd much rather see a woman at the altar and families with two moms or two dads, but with all the pomp and circumstance of the ancient aesthetics that the Eastern Orthodox church has retained.
Then again, there have been modern off-shoots of both Catholic and Orthodox churches where they do just this - keep the external rituals but open up ministry to everyone. And my upbringing doesn't allow me to feel fully comfortable in that setting. I know it's illogical. I'm not even comfortable with a woman priest, much less openly nonbinary ministers.
Like I said, no matter who you are, I am no the kind of Catholic you want me to be. I don't even know if I'd want to shed that identity if I could. I feel like I'd need to replace it with something else. I've tried on "Jesus follower" in the past, but I think that was more hype. I don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, and the stock "apologetics" I hear from supposedly well-meaning evangelicals wanting to "save my soul" are nothing if not off-putting.
You know what my ideal worship space would look like? A group of Tao cultivators who openly personify the Tao with "God" and direct some of their energy to this God. No moralizing, no creeds or dogmas, but also no denial of God's existence, no avoidance of expressing gratitude to Our Maker. Perhaps these Tao cultivators could travel as a group to different places of worship to experience spirituality with others, and gather afterwards to discuss their experiences from the point of view of Taoism?
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