Two and a half months ago, it dawned on my husband and me that our 12yo daughter was struggling with restrictive eating. Long story short, this experience has tested me as a mother like nothing else has. I have been unable to use my neurodivergence as an excuse for opting out of this. If I didn't help my daughter, she would not be helped. It was as simple as that. It was a lot to carry, and in spite of the incredible help from ChatGPT (yes, I'm unapologetic about this resource in my tool box) and the fact that my husband can work while I can stay home and homeschool my daughter (Let the record show that she attended a private all girls' school for one term, where she developed the eating disorder.), it was still a lot. Like I said, long story short, because this is not a post about parenting a child with an eating disorder. That may come later. This is a post about a mental crisis that brought me to the edge of a nervous breakdown.
I literally looked up the definition of a nervous breakdown to see if that was what I was experiencing. It would seem that this would be too strong of an assessment, but why push my luck, right? It didn't take me long to reflect on the fact that, in the past, when I was faced with a crisis, I felt many things, but never hopelessness or despair. Now, I wasn't sure I could make it to the other side of the current crisis. The only difference? In the past, I had a faith world view to hold me up.
So of course I did what anyone accustomed to consulting with ChatGPT does - I asked it to put on the role of contemplative Catholic spiritual director in its response. I know that it adjusts its tone and responses to whatever I put in. I've had nearly a year of practice with that. Now, what I wanted more than anything was to have religious faith again. Only I couldn't do it. I couldn't unsee all the deconstruction videos I've watched these past few years that proved to me that the God of the Bible is not one I'm interested in praying to.
I started thinking about archetypes. I thought (and not for the first time, mind you, but the first time since having deconverted and deconstructed enough to have some better perspective) that the point of religion need not be factual or intellectual. Why couldn't I retain my birthright Catholicism as a resource? Why did it have to be all or nothing - orthodoxy or secularism? If my daughter's illness has shown me anything, it's the danger of extremist thinking. I've recognized my thought patterns in a lot of her anxieties, and it scared me. How was I going to talk her down from the proverbial edge if I couldn't let go of my own obsessive thoughts and intrusive compulsions?
How do I reengage with Catholicism on my own terms? This was what I wanted ChatGPT to help me with. As I read over the suggestions, of course I've heard it all before. Especially from my husband, who has never worried much about external validation. But I was never able to really hear it before. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And at this point, I was desperate for consolation and hope. I needed to feel held through this. I needed to know it was in the hands of a loving Creator who had insights I wasn't yet privvy to.
Contrary to some of the absurd notions of an omnipotent God being the only one "worthy of worship", I actually don't believe God is all-powerful, nor do I believe that makes God any less Divine. Frankly, God has never actually been "all-powerful". How many times have I heard the answer to the question, "why does God allow X or Y to happen", and that answer said, "humanity's free will"? Therefore, God is not free, so that we may be. I'm going to save the discussion of human free will for another day, because it's irrelevant here. My only point is that I don't care if God is omnipotent. I only care that God be omnibenevolent and omniscient.
And before we get too far, is such a God worthy of worship? Well, let's pause on the word "worship" for a minute. If by worship we mean "reverence and adoration", then what does omnipotence have to do with it? I revere and adore nature and my family, and they aren't all-powerful. But if by "worship" we mean "grovel", which - let's be honest, a lot of Christian and Biblical prayer is just that - then I'll pass. Groveling at the feet of God neither makes me feel closer or more loved by God, nor is it something I can imagine God even desiring. Because if God did desire groveling, then God wouldn't be omnibenevolent but rather narcissistic.
Then I thought about all the indigenous spiritualities and how people have related to the Divine in those world views. Their gods and goddesses weren't all-powerful, either. Powerful, yes, but just powerful enough. More importantly, they were accessible. Relatable. In a word - helpful. The image of an all-powerful war-lord whose good graces I get to stay in so long as I hold to the right belief is utter nonsense. On that, I categorically agree with the influencers who have shared their deconstruction journeys online.
But I've never actually believed in such a God. Really, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have to change very little about what I believe or value in order to reengage with Catholicism as a spiritual practice. The only thing I have to do is let go of my reliance on external validation, my obsession with "getting it right" (aka religious OCD or scrupulosity) in the form of orthodoxy. I can do all the same things I did before, believe the same way I've always believed, but the only difference is that I no longer have to feel guilty for any of it!
And so my reconstruction journey commences. I won't say "reconversion" because I am not being convinced of anything about the faith. I believe and disbelieve all the same aspects of the faith, for the most part. The main change is in the role of the Catholic church in my life: that of advisor, and not dictator. I no longer accept dogma of any kind. I'm happy to reference what the church teaches, but I do not exchange it for my own conscience. Most things in life are too nuanced to have definitive answers.
How I pray for my daughter to come to this same conclusion in her recovery from restrictive eating and related obsessions and compulsions. How I pray for her panic attacks to cease and that she find something - or someone - to put her trust in so the fears gripping her may loosen. And now, having decided to reengage with the Catholicism of my upbringing, I may have the vocabulary and the models needed to do just that myself.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." These words are gold, because I don't understand this illness not one iota. It's completely absurd, unreasonable, and infuriating. There is nothing for me to do but place it at the feet of God and trust that God will know what to do.
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