I have a history of being a spiritual seeker. I recently gave a talk at a women's retreat illustrating how God has worked in my life and brought me back to Himself ... twice! But already going into the retreat, I started to feel a weird sense of vague uncertainty. At the end of the retreat, and I even noted this on my feedback sheet, I felt like I was left unfulfilled. I am grateful for my current Catholic parish community for surrounding me with love and helping me come out of my postpartum depression and anxiety and back into an active belief in God's presence. I am grateful for our pastor, Fr. Eric, who recently was moved to another parish, for his example of holiness and clear leadership by example. I am grateful for the Celebrate Recovery ministry that had an active part in helping me, together with other pursuits the Lord prepared for me, to come out of my shell and claim my identity as a daughter of the King! I am grateful for the annual women's retreats that have given me that much needed time of being surrounded by constant reminders of His love and mercy.
So what's the problem? While I know it's a message that the good news has to start with, namely that we are loved by God, I am ready to move past that. Now what? I have wanted to get involved in the next stage of my faith journey for a time. This year, I started leading a small group extension of the CR ministry, but with one co-leader and currently only 2 other attendees (after over 3 months of advertising and meeting), and a cancelled Bible study I was supposed to lead, I'm thinking there's something else for me. Our parish is good about one consistent outreach ministry, feeding the homeless in our nearby city. But it isn't for everyone's talents, schedules, or current states in life.
Last year, I wanted to find out why we weren't recycling as a parish. My concerns were met with essential shrugged shoulders and a reference to the budget. Now that we have a new pastor, whose presence at Mass and elsewhere leaves something to be desired, I do hold out one bit of hope. Through my connections on staff, he will be approached in a few weeks with the idea of pursuing the Green Faith certification, which my last parish participated in. If this receives the green light, there will be something of value for me to work on at the parish that I feel will have wider implications than just our campus.
Also, I've approached a kindred spirit spiritual friend from our parish requesting mentorship. She is discerning if this is something the Holy Spirit wants her to agree to. If she does, I will also have something to cling to that will help me feel like I'm actually following Jesus, not just praising and worshiping Him and basking in His goodness to me, while ignoring the many tragedies that need attention from those who ought to be His hands and feet, as St. Therese would say.
I have been avoiding meeting again with my spiritual director lately, on one hand because her husband had a serious accident that brought back painful memories of my own dad's similar traumatic brain injury, and thus I didn't want to impose my time on her. But also, having found out on social media that our political leanings are opposed to each other, I've had to wonder if I can truly receive the kind of spiritual advice I'm looking for. After all, the truth is that following Jesus, actually following Him, IS a political action. We focus on different aspects of the gospel, however.
As these vague thoughts circled in my mind, I was at first quite confident that it was a matter of ironing out some details because, after all, I've left and returned twice. I don't expect anyone to take me seriously, myself included, if I just willy-nilly announce my subsequent departure. But thanks to the boundaries work I've been doing and realizing I need to be direct and honest with myself about my true feelings - about everything - I started to tell others and myself that the only reason I remain a faithful Catholic is the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist.
I no longer have a devotion to Mary. We pray the Rosary as a family, but I don't have any sort of warm and fuzzy feelings about it. I just use it as a tool to remember the key aspects of the Gospel. The other major "Catholic thing" that differentiates my denomination from others is the Pope. And frankly, after the most recent clergy sex abuse scandal and seeing how Pope Francis - of whom I was a fan up until this point - handled the situation, I realized I was fooling myself thinking that there was something inherently holy in obeying spiritual authority blindly. I started to realize that those who would chastise me for "going against" church teaching were in effect equating the word of the Pope(s) with the Word of God. Jesus is supposed to be the singular mediator between us and Our Creator. Jesus is supposed to be the way, the truth, and the life. Jesus is supposed to be our Good Shephard. Not Jesus and the Pope.
Interestingly, once I admitted to myself that I simply do not recognize the popes' teachings as authoritative interpretations of Jesus's teachings, doubt begin to creep in regarding Jesus's Real Presence in the Eucharist. I asked myself, be for real, why do you love the Eucharist? And here was what I came up with.
As an introvert, I love the silence available at the Adoration Chapel, especially since no one seems to respect the sanctuary before or after Mass as a time of prayer. Instead, fellowship is encouraged and praised. But feeling good over being quiet enough with my thoughts to feel the presence of God is not proof of Jesus's Real Presence in the Eucharist. In fact, on at least one occasion, I recall hesitating about whether I wanted to spend my spiritual reflection time in the Adoration Chapel, or just outside the church, on a bench in a little garden. I recalled one of the best parts of retreats was the silence and being alone regardless of location. I tested this theory the other night when I went out on our deck under the full moon and spent close to an hour pacing in the dark, praying my heart out to God. I felt His presence. I gained insights. I started to grasp the Quaker concept of the "Christ within". I carry God's presence everywhere I go. Just like I said at the end of my retreat talk, "as soon as I stop talking, stop thinking, stop planning, stop organizing, and just be.... there He is."
Yes, it's nice to have a designated place to "visit Jesus", but am I seriously going to base my actions on what feels good? That's sort of the opposite of what Jesus taught. Same with receiving Communion. I genuflect before receiving. I teach my kids to pay close attention at the Transubstantiation. We say hello and goodbye to Jesus as we enter and leave the church. All to help them have a sense of the Real Presence of Jesus. My daughter just started her two year preparation to receive her First Holy Communion. This is a big deal, a coming of age into "big kidhood". And suddenly, I'm stopped in my tracks wondering if I'm actually teaching and practicing idolatry.
The truth is this. Either the Real Presence if true, in which case it's not idolatry and I should continue as before, seeking out social justice outlets to live out my faith. Or it's not true, and I don't really have a valid, biblical reason to keep building up the falsehood.
Moment of truth. When I think of being Catholic, I think of all the things the Catholic church teaches about Jesus (and Mary, and the saints, and etc.). I think of all the things the Catholic church teaches about what's the right thing to do, what's considered virtue and what's a vice. I see the Catholic church as the filter through which the Gospel gets passed down to me. And I'm seeing that there's a problem with this. Maybe this was appropriate during the Middle Ages, before most people were literate and before the printing press. In fact, I'd say the Catholic church really capitalized on the masses' ignorance and tied them to itself. While Jesus may have hoped to have His apostles and disciples pass on the Good News to those who would come after them (after all, most people in Jesus's time were likewise illiterate), what happens when these people, tasked with such a monumentally crucial role as passing on the facts of salvation through faith in Christ, twist the message to their own advantage? After all, the masses wouldn't be any wiser for it.
The easier thing would be to just stay Catholic, keep trying to find ways to follow Jesus from the base camp that is my current faith community. It's what I know, it's what I'm comfortable with. But there's also an element of the classic Catholic guilt - what if I'm wrong? I better stay put just in case the Catholic church is right. But wait a minute... what if it's the Catholic church that is wrong?
And so, I embark on a different spiritual journey, no longer to find a "good match" to what I want out of a spirituality, but rather, in search of ... truth. The true Jesus. The true Gospel. The true Way of Jesus that His early followers embraced.
The repercussions are not lost on me. This is a journey that I must take my husband and children on, if I truly want to say, in the words of Joshua 24:15, "As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."
I must answer for myself, and then - if applicable - convince my husband, of one thing: Is it possible and wise to live out the Christian commission, the Christian lifestyle, from within the Catholic church? Most importantly, though, it isn't what I think or decide, but rather what I am led to. Is the Holy Spirit leading me to take a leap of faith and to look to the great unknown in order to follow my Savior to where He would have me? Am I willing to risk starting over at another faith community, possible over and over until I find the right one? Am I willing to cling entirely to Jesus and my personal discernment of His will for my life, trusting that He gave me my conscience not so that it would be "formed" (brainwashed?) by the filter of the Catholic church (or any other church for that matter), but so that I could commune directly with God?
It's funny. On one hand, I feel like the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, if it is true, is the most obvious way to be close to God, closer than anyone else can claim. On the other hand, if I really think about it, it's not at all the clearest path to Him. It relies entirely on the presence of the Catholic church. It depends on my access to the Catholic church. Reserving the tabernacle at the nearest Catholic church as THE place I can meet God is ignoring Him the rest of the time when I am not at church. It's putting on hold any big questions or requests until I can "be with Him" in Adoration. Yes, there is something psychologically true about the fact that when something is too common, it loses it's specialness. But there is also something to be said about what Albert Einstein once said: "You either believe that everything is a miracle, or that nothing is."
You know when I'm most in awe of God? When I ponder outer space. When I am outdoors and take in the vastness of nature. You know when I feel closest to Him, other than when outside? When I'm moved by beautiful music, or inspiring poetry, or breath-taking artwork. In other words, when I see/hear/feel God's creativity in action among His people.
I already know that I will never find a church that is a "perfect fit" for me. There are aspects of Catholic teaching and tradition that are not unbiblical and that resonate with me very much, but that are lacking in many other denominations. I am on uncharted territory here. I cannot merely "jump ship" and cling to someone else's interpretation and implementation of the Gospel. I need to depend entirely on the grace of God to move me.
I have often wondered what exactly was the good news of Jesus. I didn't get it. Clearly, something went wrong with all the Christians that have "taught" me in the past, since this should be abundantly clear. This is what I have finally come up with.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ
1. I am loved unconditionally by God, in Whose image I was made.
2. I am forgiven for my faults and shortcomings.
3. I am gifted with talents and opportunities unique to me.
4. I am called to some great mission for God.
5. The correct response to the above is gratitude and awe expressed in worship (both private and corporal).
6. I am expected to serve others as Jesus did.
7. I am expected to fellowship with other believers.
8. I am expected to study the Word of God.
9. I am expected to discern my calling through prayer and meditation.
10. I am expected to help others do likewise (aka. evangelize).
I don't know much, but I know this; if a person, resource, group, or church leaves me more confused than convicted about the message of Jesus, it cannot be the place for me.
Lord, please bless my efforts and forgive my inaccurate doubts. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment