Christian in the Catholic church

For various reasons, I am taking it slowly as far as acting on my recent convictions about following Jesus and where He may be calling me.  What strikes me is that this is much different than the two previous times I have left the Catholic church.

The first time I left the version of Catholicism that I grew up with, the cultural Catholic church, if you will.  I spent time in Paganism, Quakerism, Anglicanism (which I thought was an Episopalian church), and visited or pondered Unitarian Universalism and Islam.  I was looking for a good fit, not the truth. 

The second time I left, it was not on purpose.  Postpartum anxiety and depression contributed to my faith leaving me.  I wasn't nourishing it, and so it atrophied. When I tried to regain it, I considered Reform Judaism and spent time "being" a Deist.  I started to try to reason my way back to faith.

This time, while I hesitate to jump to conclusions and announce that I am leaving the Catholic church for the third time, I don't really feel like I'm lost this time.  Rather, I feel like I'm trying to follow Jesus more closely.  This time, I'm trying to discern the truth and follow wherever it may lead.  At first glance, it is looking like it will be outside the Catholic church.  However, I want to first see if I can actually be both, Christian and Catholic.

Don't get me wrong.  I believe there are lots of Catholics who are Christians at heart and have a relationship with Jesus and seek to do God's will.  But what makes it difficult to maintain that spiritual connection in the Catholic church is that fellowship generally includes Catholics who are not really Christians at their core.  There's cafeteria Catholics, much as I once was.  Or cultural Catholics, ditto.  There are those who like the pomp and circumstance of the religious trappings of Catholicism but don't actually buy the Gospel at all (my mom?) There are the Catholics who would likely be a much better fit in a mainline Protestant denomination based on their faith, but they stay Catholic because it's what they're used to.  I guess these would also be Christian Catholics, like those who truly believe all that the Catholic church teaches, without compromising what Jesus taught.

Although... that is where I'm at now - is it actually possible to follow everything the Catholic church teaches AND everything Jesus taught?  And even if it is, I feel like it would be a lot of unnecessary work to do so. Work that takes time and effort away from truly plunging into the Scriptures and God's will.

I want to be cautious about basing my decisions on emotion, but then again, without emotion, there isn't much left of a relationship, is there?  Yes, love is a commitment.  Applied to marriage, it's not good enough to say you fell out of love and divorce your spouse.  But to have a vibrant marriage - any relationship - there must be an element of emotion.  Otherwise, you're left with obligation, blind obedience, going through the motions, and a dry ... faith, if you even want to call it that.

 I didn't receive communion today.  I was at a Polish cathedral and went up with my dad so he could receive.  Everyone still kneels on kneelers at the altar and waits their turn to receive.  In the past, I would've jumped at the chance to "receive the Lord in the proper posture of reverence".  But today, at the last minute, I walked up and then walked away.  I believe that when Jesus talked about the need to "eat His body and drink His blood", He was referring to the Gospel and speaking metaphorically.  I think there's potential in communion bringing out that truth, but when it has crossed over into literal interpretation, it really does straddle idolatry, even if unintentionally.

I wondered these last few years if I'd ever have a devotion to Mary again.  I haven't felt particularly drawn to her since leaving Paganism and feminism, and I feared falling back into those world views if I gave Mary the level of devotion that is encouraged in Catholicism.  Yesterday, I thought of this comparison; I think the Catholic church has done to Mary what the secular West has done to Saint Nicholas.  Both were historical figures, good and kind and noble figures that ought to inspire faith and love of God.  Both have been caricatured into legendary figures that are so far removed from their actual origins that they no longer emit what the actual persons stood for.

There have been layers upon layers of importance placed on Mary, all the while claiming that each additional layer somehow makes Jesus more prominent.  Mary points us to Jesus, the Catholic church says.  Ok, but if I already know where to find Jesus, why stop to ask for directions?

The plan of action right now is as follows.  I will continue to worship at our regular Catholic church with my family for the duration of the school year (until June of next year).  For one, our kids are getting ready to start a Sunday school program based on the Montessori method, and the educator in me really wants them to experience Montessori without having to invest in the materials or private school.  I also have made a commitment to lead the tiny group step study affiliated with our parish's Celebrate Recovery ministry.  Also, I just asked my good spiritual friend if she'd consider mentoring me, and she has taken that to prayer, so I want to wait and see what the Holy Spirit does there. There also may be an introduction of the Green Faith certification at our parish that I have been hoping and pushing for, so if it does come to our parish, I'll want to be involved in that in whatever capacity I am needed. Finally, in the interest of taking it slowly and actually discerning and following God's promptings, I've signed up for year-long weekly meetings designed to walk me through the Ignatian exercises, something I kept starting with my spiritual director and not finishing. 

In the meantime, there are a couple of Catholic teachings that are currently giving me pause that I think it's best to put a hold on.  One is the reception of communion.  Another is any prayers that glorify Mary at the expense of Jesus.  I also would like to explore the possibility of other churches and I hope my husband will humor and join me.  Once a month, our kids don't have Sunday school, so perhaps we can worship at non-Catholic churches on those Sundays.  Finally, I intend to spend a lot of time reading both Catholic and non-Catholic Christian sources, as well as of course meditating on God's presence in expectation of His promptings.

The reason I feel it is important for me to take this current crisis of faith, if you want to call it such, seriously is that I can't point to anything overtly anti-Catholic nor fervently Protestant that would've sparked this desire.  It's almost as if the time has come for me to take my faith to the next level.

Lord Jesus, I pray that You lead my thoughts, words, and actions over the coming months, put people in my life who will straighten out what is crooked, clarify what is muddled, and bring me that much closer to You.  Amen.