Groups

What groups do we/I belong to?  What groups do we/I want to belong to?  What groups should we/I try to belong to?

I try to be very conscientious about doing what's best for my children.  Because we are a multicultural and multi-ethnic and multilingual family, I have to be intentional about which of the various relevant groups ought to be "ours", and to what degree.

The literature on the best practices for children "of color" (a politically correct phrase for non-white people, but one that my Latino husband dislikes, hence the quotation marks) talks of the importance of immersing children in groups where they can see racial mirrors, find role models, and gain a sense of identity.  And I have tried to do just that. 

For the past six years, we have tried to make friends by participating in Filipino events.  It has been frustrating, as no lasting friendships have emerged from our efforts.  I'm shy, so the effort has not come naturally to me.  My husband has never met a stranger, so it's actually surprising that his efforts haven't had better results either.  Finally I asked my good friend, whose husband is Filipino, for insights.  What a relief it was to learn that even he - a Filipino raised by Filipino parents, does not find himself regularly included in Filipino gatherings. 

Further insights from an online group I belong to pointed out that ethnic and cultural groups tend to be insular for self-preservation or just to have a safe space where they don't need to be explaining themselves to outsiders.  It now makes perfect sense why we, as outsiders, have been unable to "infiltrate" the Filipino groups that have been perfectly friendly on the surface.

It is important to try, try again.  It is equally important to know when to let it go.  I'm letting it go.  Not my intentions to keep exposing my kids to Filipino culture whenever possible, but rather my expectations of it ever getting beyond the level where we are now.  And this acceptance is freeing. 

Another aspect of raising Brown children is to ensure that they don't feel like they stick out because of their ethnicity or race.  In other words, we want to make sure we live and learn and play in areas that are diverse.  It doesn't need to be other Filipinos, but it does need to be other Brown people.  As long as the White people are used to seeing Brown people and interacting with them and befriending them, then we should not have any problems.  But we do not want our kids to be the experimental diversity in otherwise White spaces.

Here, again, I came upon a dilemma. I wanted to do right by my children and move to an area that was more diverse than not.  However, the truth of the matter is that this would come at a price.  Diversity is not the only value our family has.  Nor is it the only priority.  We must live in an area relatively close to my husband's work, and close to my parents, who are in need of more assistance as we all get older.  My children need ample space to run around, especially since we homeschool, and so our home is our base.  We grow food.  We try to spend daily time outside.  We value privacy and safety.  What all of these add up to is a certain sized yard. Fenced, with shade and sunny areas, and room to run and roll around all without worrying about nosy neighbors.  And what's more, we need to be able to afford this kind of living arrangement.  We decided not to incessantly keep up with the Joneses. We have no intention of upgrading the size of our house, or moving to more "elite" neighborhoods.  But we do want to keep a single family house with a fenced yard.  And we want to pay it off by the time my husband is ready to retire and our kids are graduated from high school.

And we're not talking about moving to a completely homogenous, secluded area where we can count on being the only mixed family in any given situation.  No, we're talking about a less diverse area, close enough to more diverse areas that we can drive there.

Finally, this is an issue for my own sanity.  I have been programmed by the anti-racist rhetoric to be very careful to avoid at all costs anything that may be interpreted as whitesplaining, ethnocentricity, or white fragility.  I worry about these things even as I am trying to guts up to putting "on paper" what thoughts are going through my mind.  See, I was brought up with judgment and comparisons being the norm.  I internalized the idea that if I am always judging others in black-or-white terms, then they are likewise judging me.  Concepts like giving someone the benefit of the doubt or not taking things excessively personally are seen as having racist undertones when applied to trying to take White experience as equal to that of people of color.  I was in an online group that taught me a lot, but at the cost of my own sense of self.  The "people of color" in my real life - Latino, Black, Native American, all thought I was in a "cult".  They simply did not experience the world in as harsh terms as the group described.  The group would retort that they weren't being honest with themselves or with me.  But that, indeed, started to sound a bit like indoctrination.

And I recently realized that I have had about enough indoctrination for one lifetime.  I am in recovery for codependence.  Through 3 years of therapy and recovery work, I've come to see how I have weak boundaries, don't trust myself, depend too heavily on the approval and validation of others, and operate from a general sense of ongoing anxiety.  With very few, specific, decisions I've made, mostly dealing with my children, I have no confidence.  I oscillate between superiority and inferiority complexes.  And so, when it comes to what's best for my children, I am again in a place where I can either take in everything I've learned and then make a decision based on my specific circumstances and those of my children, or I can once again let some "experts" make these decisions for me.

I've had enough of giving over my power.  People of color should know all too well what I mean.  Just like not all Brown people are alike, or all Black people, or all Asians, etc. the same holds true for White people.  We are not all alike.  Yes, we all share having White privilege in US society.  But aside from this, we are as different as minorities.  We have different experiences, values, priorities, intentions, goals all of which must be taken into consideration when making day-to-day decisions.  I know I won't find any popular outlet for this perspective, and I don't need it.  I only need to admit this to myself, accept myself, trust myself, and make these decisions for myself.

Returning to the initial questions of groups - what groups do we belong to?  The Catholic church.  Sunday School at OLPH.  Our area Catholic homeschooling group.  My daughter's gymnastics class.  My husband's men's group at church.  My husband's job.  Celebrate Recovery Meeting for me. Courageous Conversations (temporary group). Multilingual mixed families living in the US.  Immigrant families. College graduates.  Transracial adoptive (embryo) families.  I'm sure there's more. 

What groups do we want to belong to? Some sort of ongoing group where we can fellowship over shared values of racial, religious, and LGBTQ affirmation and understanding, as well as the pursuit of socioeconomic and environmental justice.  Homeschooling group local to our area.  A faith community where we can practice the rituals and traditions that give our spiritual journey meaning.  I'd like to return to teaching adults ESL. Honestly, I don't want to belong to any one-race/ethnicity/culture groups.  Not my Polish one, not a Filipino one, not a Latino one.  Our family is all of these and we operate best when mingling with others who understand what it's like to mix and match, to find commonalities across the differences, and not just to uphold long standing norms in an isolated environment. 

While I'm on the subject, I also need to remember that just because we are a multilingual family doesn't mean that we are aiming at 100% native fluency in all three languages.  Frankly, my Polish heritage language is the least necessary for my kids to retain.  Any language is a boon to the brain, and Polish in particular can make the learning of other Slavic languages easier if my kids ever decide to go that route.  But aside from that - their Polish relatives with whom they interact regularly are not monolingual, and we have no intentions for travel back to Poland in the near future.  I will be perfectly happy if my kids understand Polish music, movies, magazines, and can pronounce the uniquely Polish sounds if pressed to do so.

As for Spanish, this is a much more useful and ubiquitous language in our society and world.  Our kids are likely to come across many people who speak Spanish, even only Spanish, and can easily benefit from knowing the language for both economic advancement and the enjoyment of the culture.
Perhaps we should seek out Spanish-speaking playdates?

Tagalog, what I suppose could be seen as a heritage language based on the kids' Filipino heritage, is similar to Polish in necessity. Unless my kids express an interest in actively learning the language, I won't stress over it.  Since we cannot break into Filipino communities in order for the kids to be immersed in this culture anyway, I don't see how learning the language would do any good until they are grown and don't need us to facilitate.  And at that point, they can also pick up the language, having already learned other languages previously, thus making language learning as a whole much easier than if they were starting out as monolinguals.

The next entry will deal with the theme of trusting self and resisting external validation, but from the spiritual perspective.  (Both religious and secular-scientific.)