This R.E.M. song came to mind recently as I started on what I assumed was another leg of my spiritual seeker journey. But the more time I spend pondering the future of my religious affiliation, the more confused and stressed out I feel.
Why do I feel the need to even have a religious affiliation? Why can't I let the particular beliefs and practices that I find soothing and relevant to me simply be what they are, without placing a label on them?
Well, it's because with that label comes a community. A religious community is generally a group of people with shared beliefs, values, practices, traditions, etc. The problem arises when there is a disconnect between one's beliefs or values that triggers a desire to look elsewhere for a better fit. And the problem continues when one realized, after thorough research and consideration and "trying on" that while there may be other religious groups whose beliefs and values resonate perfectly with one's own, the associated practices and traditions simply don't jive. They seem foreign, artificial, forced, irrelevant. Yet it is in the practices that the faith tradition comes alive in community. It's not a bunch of minds agreeing with each other that makes a community, but rather a bunch of people doing things together the same way.
And that is where I find myself. I know plenty of people who recognize there is no perfect match for them and they just stay with whatever group whose practices are familiar and comfortable, and keep their beliefs private, or at least don't engage in arguments over them. I know this is the easiest and most obvious thing to do. And yet I'm struggling with it.
I feel like an impostor when I find myself keeping my mouth shut so as not to let on that I disagree with what was just mentioned as a given in a group of supposedly "like minded" fellow coreligionists of my same affiliation. Every time this happens, and it happens pretty frequently when you have as many objections as I do with the official beliefs of my faith tradition, I'm reminded of how I don't really fit it. I'm reminded of how this isn't really me. I'm reminded of how I'm compromising.
Of course, I could also choose to opt out and join a group where I can have these open dialogues with people without worrying about getting their side-eye. I could mingle only with people who value what I value and believe as I do, where we can talk about these things openly and without shame or fear of ridicule (or accusations of heresy or blasphemy). But to do so, I'd have to engage in artificial rituals that hold no meaning for me. And again, I'd feel like an impostor. I'd feel inauthentic yet again.
A final option would be to simply stay away from all manner of religion altogether. Pretend that deep topics don't interest or concern me. Pretend that familiar ritual practices are not comforting to me. Pretend that I could be a spiritual being without a spiritual community. This would be a lie as well. No one is an island, right?
The final option that I see before me is to patch a quilt of religious experiences into a coherent whole. To divide my time between those groups that practice the familiar rituals that I find comforting and meaningful, and those groups with which I can engage intellectually. I suppose the only thing left to do in that scenario is to decide on a label, something I need in order to understand my place in the world. It could be two labels or a hyphenated label: Catholic Quaker, or Buddhist Unitarian Universalist, or Noahide Christian. It could be finding the least common denominator between the two prominent groups that resonate with me for different reasons, and use that label instead of the two affiliations: Theist, Monotheist, Unitarian, Deist, Universalist.
One label I don't think I can honestly use that I thought I could is spiritual-but-not-religious. Because I am a religious being. I just don't have a religious tradition that satisfies me philosophically and practically at the same time.
One label I cannot steer clear of is the label others may place on me. Lapsed. Cafeteria. Non-practicing. Heretic. Schismatic. Even blasphemer maybe? No matter what path I find myself on, those not on it would inevitably label me as well: pagan, heathen, non-believer.
I am spiritual. I am religious. I am a global citizen. I am a child of God. I am the hands and feet of God in the world. I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment