And if finding out about my autism has taught me anything, it's that I have to keep check on my scrupulosity and be true to myself. My faith lends itself to dual affiliation. I know that relativism is not terribly helpful, which is why I wish to align myself with a specific Christian Church and Tradition. But I do not believe those outside of this tradition are not blessed by God, are not saved by God, are not drawing nearer to God in their own way.
All that said, I must take the Orthodox recommendation to stay away from non-Orthodox churches once becoming a Catechumen with a grain of salt. Knowing myself, I know that if I wait until I am 100% convinced of a faith being true to the exclusion of no other, then I will never find a church home. And I need a church home for the sake of my children's faith and morals. That is my priority.
Likewise, since my children are my priority, even though it's my own interest and preferences that initially led my family to Orthodoxy, now that we're here and I'm hesitating, I must acknowledge that it's actually not about my preferences but what it is the church is meant to do for us, and what we are meant to do for Christ.
I believe the church only makes sense when organized from the bottom up to a degree. It's the only way to have true community, when people from among the community can weigh in on how we are going to express our mutual faith. But we cannot be so grass-roots that there is no cohesion and no clear boundaries within which to operate. Enter Orthodoxy. The very argument against ethnic-based churches is what I like about it. Orthodoxy in America is still in a transition phase. The system works, given time.
Finally, my hesitation to leave the Latin Rite and Catholicism as a whole is based on... wait for it... identity! And Catholicism itself speaks out against the identity ideology and politics that have taken over modern Westerner's sense of self. We are told not to identify with our sexual orientation, our gender, our race, but to identify with our being children of God, followers of Christ. Well, you know what? Being Catholic is a cultural identity. It's something additional or at times separate altogether from being Christian. There's a sense of us versus them, this is how we do things. That's an identity that replaced our being a child of God, a follower of Christ.
And so, when I hesitate and long for what I'm assuming can be found at the Traditional Latin Mass, I'm thinking back to my formative years of faith, where Catholicism and Polishness intertwined. Kneeling at the altar railing, awaiting the communion Host, or Eucharistic Adoration in front of the Tabernacle... these are expressions of a faith that ought to, that must, go far beyond these familiarities. Christ is not about comfort but sacrificial love. If I am being honest, and I do want to follow Christ, He tells me I must pick up my cross and then follow Him.
What if my "cross" (and I shutter to even call it this, as it's so inconsequential in the larger scheme of things) is to let go of that Catholic familiarity, Catholic identity, Catholic Eucharist? What if I'm being called to let go of the way I was introduced to Christ and take a leap of faith that there is something far greater waiting for me within Orthodoxy? No, it won't be familiar. No, it won't be like my childhood.
I've left my homeland and extended family. I've changed my birth name. I've distanced myself from my native culture. I've made my peace with all of that. It will always be a part of my past, but it does not need to hold me back from going where the Lord wants me next. Who am I to assume that I'm supposed to be where I am merely because I was born into it?
And who am I to prevent my children from growing up in a true, authentic Christian community, where they can actually get to know everyone there, where they can be surrounded by positive role models, where they can befriend fellow homeschoolers? Where they can get used to spiritual disciplines that will help them grow in virtue and wisdom? Where their parents will likewise be spiritually fed and encouraged and supported by fellow Christians doing the best we can?
What if I table all expectations and just speak from the heart? What if my family and I join the Orthodox Church, dive right in, embrace the whole of the faith? Liturgies, daily prayers, fasting, fellowship, everything outward that we can do to identify with a community that will journey with us closer into the arms of the Father, that will journey with us in communion with Christ through His precious body and blood in the Eucharist (even if I don't immediately discern it's presence, location, or timing), that will journey with us as we discern the leadings of the Holy Spirit?
And then, if ever we are in a situation where we have opportunity to visit a Catholic church, either for a special occasion, or because we're traveling, or because we move and there isn't an Orthodox parish nearby, or because I feel moved to attend a TLM or otherwise receive Communion in a situation where my childhood fantasies can be fulfilled, then we pray on it at that point and go if we don't feel a hesitation? What if I trust that God will take this hesitation away the moment I commit to trusting Him by joining Orthodoxy?
And also, what if we simply let the First Communion "preparation" at OLPH play itself out without making anything official on that end? Of course it's not what the Orthodox would want. They believe they have the fullness of truth, as do the Catholics. But only God knows, and God is everywhere. Christ is in His church, which knows no boundaries. I believe the Lord scoffs at our human delineations. He probably sees our bickering between denominations the way we might view local Catholic parishes competing for parishioners. It just seems silly to us. Yet once we get to the denominational line, all of a sudden, those differences are a matter of life or death.
Our focus must be first and foremost on Christ. Not on any secondary thing that may very well come from Christ. Everything else has been filtered through fallen human hands, and cannot be thought to contain the whole of God's intent. And so, what if we technically maintain "dual affiliation"? What if we commit to weekly participation with the Orthodox church, and only plug my son in by virtue of First Communion to the Catholic side of things for the sake of lifelong convenience, since there are also mediocre Orthodox churches, and fantastic Catholic churches, but it all depends on when and where we are! I do not want to limit him because I don't believe one of the ancient churches is superior to the other.
But I also don't want to limit any of us by stalling and not proceeding based on my scrupulous desire not to be a hypocrite. The hypocrisy would be if I believed the Orthodox church is the ONLY true church, yet I continued to attend a different church. And of course those who do believe this also then believe that I'm being a hypocrite by wanting to join Orthodoxy. But I DO have a reason for wanting to join. It's not because it's Ultimately True, but rather that the truth that is indeed found in it resonates clearly with my whole family, and I believe it will bring all of us closer to Christ and that is enough for me to leave the Latin rite and join myself to Orthodoxy.
In fact, because I truly feel drawn to both Orthodoxy (in the real world local church community) and Catholicism (in theory and my personal history with it), therefore my religious identity can be said to be dually-affiliated. To deny this would be to be hypocritical. I'm reminded of the couple who sponsored us for our Marriage Encounter. They were very much involved in our Catholic parish, but they were also just as involved with a Protestant church plant. From a Catholic perspective, I believe there's not the same objections as there would be from the Orthodox perspective, and I'm afraid the Orthodox would say this is an example of the many ways Catholicism has watered down the faith with ecumenicalism. But I do value ecumenicalism, just not in the expression of worship. That, I believe, ought to remain the same from generation to generation for the sake of continuity and familiarity, and plus, if it's not broken, don't fix it!
So, Lord, this is a major leap of faith for me. You know I desire external validation, and religious authority certainly provides that for me. If I'm going to be Orthodox, I want to be "a good Orthodox Christian", yet that may not be what you're calling me to, as it would certainly involve a sense of pride in piety. Maybe you're just calling me to be a mediocre Orthodox, but by so doing, a better parent than I could ever be if we remain Catholic or continue to waver back and forth? Maybe the only external validation I can hope for is a trusting sense of acceptance from God?
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