Personal Preference or Faith

One of my main autistic special interests is religion, which makes it extremely difficult to weed out true piety or devotion from personal preference.  

I really like silent retreats.  Waiting worship in the way of the Quakers was why I spent many months in Friends' meetinghouses awaiting the fulfillment of what I had read about the Religious Society of Friends to be all about.  It sounded great on paper, but the actual worship time severely left me wanting.  Now that I better understand what worship in spirit and in truth means, I see that we were basically meditating, not actually worshipping.

Likewise, my time spent in an Anglican church where there was a very vibrant and lively band during the service, also left me wanting.  It felt like I was going to be entertained, really.  Singing, even to God, even with hands uplifted, even with full emotion, is still not worship.  It is singing - or if the content is religious, it is prayer.  Not worship.

I hardly want to mention my visits to Unitarian Universalist services, which were basically secular lectures, perhaps with a brief mention of some vague spirit.  Again, not worship.

I was drawn to Islam for a time.  The prayer postures and women's hijab drew me in.  I sensed reverence.  Indeed, there is a lot of prayer in Islam - five times each day!  But prayer alone does not constitute worship.

Judaism left me confused and disappointed.  Essentially, they weren't interested in converts, so my interest fizzled out.  But when I did go to Synagogue... there was prayer and reading of Scripture.  There wasn't worship as I now understand it.

I turned my attention outside of monotheism for a time as well. 

As a solitary Neo-Pagan practitioner, I had spells and communion with nature.  I did not have worship.

And when I looked into Buddhism and even my to-this-day favorite: Taoism, the absence of worship of God weighed heavily on my soul.

In fact, it was the lack of worship of God in Taoism that brought me to Christian Orthodoxy.  Here, there was worship.  Here is where I actually learned what worship means.  There must be an element of sacrifice, and there must be an element of blood - the lifeforce that binds us to each other and to our Ultimate Source: God.  Hence, the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist provides that needed blood component for it to be true worship.

And so I thought I had arrived.  But Orthodoxy is similar to Catholicism in various ways, and so I was perplexed at some of the differences.  The absence of Eucharistic Adoration was one.  The spoon feeding of the communicants was another.  The nearly complete lack of kneeling a third.

The kneeling was also related to the Eucharist, as one of the reasons I had become disillusioned with Catholicism was that we had stopped receiving the Eucharist while kneeling.  We still knelt at Mass during the Consecration/Transubstantiation, and before and after receiving Holy Communion, just not at the actual moment of coming into physical contact with the Person of Christ, the path of our salvation, the very crux of the Christian faith, the spiritual food that sustains our souls and leads us to heaven.

For a time, I've gone back and forth between the two - Orthodoxy and Catholicism.  What one was missing, the other provided.  Between the two of them, I saw everything needed in a church of Christ.  But alas, the churches, in particular the Orthodox one, do not want us to stay in both.  For a time, I thought we could make do with alternating between the two churches.  Then I really thought we could make the switch into Orthodoxy.

So what stopped me?  The Eucharist.  Even though the Orthodox have a valid Eucharist, their belief that the Catholic Sacrament isn't valid, and the resulting arrogance about their faith tradition is very off-putting.  

For a time, I agreed with them about the idea that the Body and Blood of Christ is meant to be eaten at Communion, not adored in a tabernacle or monstrance.  After all, Jesus told us to eat and drink in remembrance of Him.  He never told us to adore Him.  But then again, He also never told us to worship Him either, and yet the whole of Christian faith is precisely the worship (or attempted worship) of Christ as part of the Holy Trinity of God.  Not everything has to be said outright to be true and useful and valuable.  (Brief aside: I grew up never hearing my family utter the words "I love you".  Yet I never doubted it and feel I had a wonderful childhood for the most part.  Those are just words.)

The bottom line was that if we were to only stick to what the Bible expressed as sayings or actions of Jesus, we would be Protestant, and since the Bible itself refutes the idea of sola scriptura, we obviously cannot err as they do.  But if there's another source of authoritative teaching in addition to the Bible, what is it?

The Catholics say it is the office of the Pope and the related Magisterium.  The Orthodox point to the ecumenical councils.  The only problem is that there haven't been any ecumenical councils since the great schism between East and West. Which means there is no recognition of any controversies in the faith for a thousand years.  Really?  There have been no heresies that have arisen since the schism?  No modern issues that the church needs to speak on authoritatively to help us live virtuous lives?

Of course there have been many such concerns.  Which begs the question, where do the Orthodox look for guidance?  If the Tradition of the Church ended a thousand years ago, the remainder of guidance is locally based, and there is nothing universal about the Orthodox Church, save for similarity in liturgical style.

I can't tell you how many times I've asked a question online and was directed to consult my priest.  That sort of begs the question - is there not an agreed upon opinion on this matter?  And if not, then am I seriously to base my faith on the opinion of whoever happens to be my local priest?  If he's a good and holy man, then great.  But if not?  And even if he's good and holy, he may have one opinion, and another priest another opinion.  Now we sort of have a situation reminiscent of the Protestant problem.  They have sola scriptura, which can be interpreted in countless ways.  Orthodox have the spiritual direction of a priest interpreting Scripture, which is basically just adding a layer to sola scriptura.

Catholicism, on the other hand, has the Catechism which, like it or not, at least has provided guidelines for people to follow if they so choose.  That's what resonates with me.  I don't have to like it or even agree with it, or even - dare I say - follow it, but by golly, I am happy the boundaries are there.  Even if I cross them, I am aware that I am doing so.

At first I just thought it was a matter of personal preference for me to have the Eucharist presented as a host (and blood/wine in a chalice, when available).  That it was a matter of getting used to a different expression.  But after some time it dawned on me - while the Orthodox do receive the Lord Jesus directly on the tongue (unlike in modern Novus Ordo Masses, which have almost exclusively moved to in the hand Communion), they still do so standing up.  This puzzled me.  For me, reception on the tongue goes hand in hand with reception while kneeling.  That is the ideal posture if you ask me.  Humble and grateful.

When I asked about this online, I was shocked at some of the responses I got.  Some people were downright angry that I should suggest there should be more kneeling at Liturgy.  At first, I really liked that there isn't this great focus on repentance, as I do struggle with Catholic guilt (aka autistic scrupulosity).  But I just didn't see the reason to actual go so far as to say that kneeling is FORBIDDEN on Sundays as they are mini Resurrections.  

There are a lot of things I don't like about the Catholic churches I've been to.  And there's a lot I absolutely love about the Orthodox church we go to. But since I do not believe one has "the truth" to the exclusion of the other, there is no pressing reason for me to convert.

What does remain is a way to figure out how to balance my desire to surround myself with beautiful liturgy which is reverent and edifying and encourages my children to grow closer to God, and also my desire to place myself and my children in the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist as frequently and as closely as humanly possible.  Since we cannot receive Communion at the Orthodox church, we must do so in the Catholic church.  And to do so, we must trade in our preferences for a style of liturgy.

I cannot make the Catholic Mass as beautiful as the Orthodox Divine Liturgy, at least not single handedly or by merely wishing it were so.  But I can change my attitude towards why I go to Mass, and how I can personally bring that reverence and beauty and offer it to Jesus.

I can wear my headscarf to Mass, even if most other women do not.  

I can insist on receiving Communion on the tongue and while kneeling, even if it's not at the altar railing but merely in an assembly line.

I can cross myself a lot more frequently than is customary for Catholics to do so during Mass.

I can insist on dressing up for Mass.

I can prepare for Mass by reading the readings ahead of time, and by stopping by the Adoration Chapel for a few minutes before Mass.

I can go to the church where the music ministry speaks to me the most whenever possible.  St. Lawrence actually had a very impressive trio that sang at the last Mass we participated in last time.

Speaking of participation, I can be more intentional about my own participation.  I can slow down when crossing myself with holy water upon entering and leaving the sanctuary.

I can be sure to genuflect before entering and upon leaving the pew.  

I can go to the Chapel right after Mass to get a little quiet reflection when others are fellowshipping.

I can make it a monthly habit to go to Confession and Adoration. Perhaps if I go on Fridays, I can pray the Stations of the Cross as well during this time.

I can continue to discern how my morning and evening prayer should evolve, and in how much of it should I include my children. 

I can continue to read the Bible and do Lectio Divina with the children at breakfast... perhaps even continuing it into the weekend to include Papi (and Abuela!)

I can start fasting without worrying about if it's the way other people fast or not.  

I can make it a daily habit to listen to various beautiful religious music - Gregorian Chant, Orthodox Chant, Gospel, Modern Christian, Traditional Catholic (both English and Polish) and sing my heart out every day!

I can see about wearing a little crucifix daily, and finding my children's holy medals for them to wear as daily reminders of our belonging to the Lord Jesus.  I need to let go of the superstition of my family of origin that one isn't supposed to place crosses on oneself, as there are already enough crosses for us to bear!  This is a superstition, downright harmful to the faith!

Thank You, Jesus, for helping me sort through all of this to see that all along I have been hoping to simply ride on the coattails of others.  I wanted to "be religious by association".  You're not calling me to be religious, but to follow You.  Now, it happens to be that in my case, being religious is a way for me to follow You, but I must keep You as my goal and priority, not the religious expressions.  Otherwise it's like putting the cart before the horse.  

The only question now is how to help my family to likewise fall in love with You and transition us fully back into Catholicism?  For the time being, we will continue to associate with the Orthodox church.  Please replace that community with a Catholic one if that be Your will for us.  Otherwise, we will simply embrace Orthodoxy for their community and esthetic, while dwelling firmly in Catholic theology and practice (which, incidentally, is open to embracing different traditions, including Orthodox ones!).

To God be the glory, Amen.