When I arrived in the US from Poland, I was already familiar with the only Mass I knew, the Novus Ordo, but it was one where the altar railing was still a matter of course, and the Eucharist was universally received on the tongue while kneeling. The sacred space of the church was respected by silence and proper attire. We attended a Polish parish where I received my First Holy Communion. But after we moved from our apartment to our first house, the commute eventually became too great for us to keep making every week, and so we started attending a local American parish.
I guess I didn't notice the change at first. Maybe I assumed it came with the territory of it being an English-language Mass, but Communion was now being distributed in an assembly-line fashion, albeit still on the tongue.
As an adolescent, I guess I didn't notice or it didn't matter to me if there was chitchatting going on before or after (or during!) Mass. Part of the reason may have been that my parents seemed to like to leave immediately after receiving Communion, so perhaps I never got to see that people were "fellowshipping" after Mass was over.
Since religion in my family was culturally based, once we were removed from the greater Polish culture, it didn't take much for us to become mostly secularized. We attended Mass on Sundays, we displayed some religious art around the home, and we celebrated religious festive days. But we did not pray together, not even grace, and we did not read Scripture either.
We did discuss religion, mainly my mom and I, because I had developed a special interest in all things spiritual. Starting around age 14, when I was preparing for my Confirmation, I became very interested in the faith. Looking back, I think this was when I subconsciously started to notice it slipping away from me and wanted to hold on to it in whatever way I knew how. Around age 17, I became interested in Mother Theresa of Calcutta, and in becoming a religious sister. But it was a brief interest, as it was quickly squashed by my family.
I was told that if I were a boy and expressed an interest in becoming a priest, they would support me. But as a girl wanting to be a nun, they didn't want to see that happen. Looking back, I guess they were concerned with the vow of poverty and obedience. There was definitely an element of reaction to sexism there, even reverse sexism. I interpreted it to mean that there was injustice in the fact that I couldn't become a priest, because I wanted my family's support. I did not see it as an injustice on the part of my family withholding their support, but rather an injustice on the part of the Church in not allowing me to be something my family would support (!). And so the feminist in me awoke.
From my late teens on, I researched off and on all sorts of world religions, I identified as a feminist, and I set out to "prove myself". Really, what I was doing was trying to right a wrong. I had been blessed to have been brought up in the Catholic church, so full of mystery and wisdom and beauty and truth! But all of that was watered down by the liturgical traditions of the American Novus Ordo parishes I attended and the lack of support or shared interest by my family.
Whenever I approached a religion seriously, with authentic consideration of conversion, it was because I thought becoming this religion's adherent would reinstate for me a sense of being set apart for God. I saw the discipline, the virtues, the seriousness with which religionists of these various faith traditions pursued their spiritual life, and I wanted that for myself.
I had already assumed that it was impossible for me within Catholicism because when I started to look into deepening my faith, I was stopped dead in my tracks, without any redirection, without any inquiry as to my reasons, without any sort of aid in discernment. I didn't know what I didn't know, and so I wandered aimlessly looking for something I assumed could only be found "out there".
The Lord was good to me throughout. Time and again He brought me back to the Catholic faith, and time and again, I settled for a time before again becoming restless. I was essentially on the verge of pure secularism when something (Someone ;) ) made me quit reading a book about Buddhism and instead start reading a book about Jesus by a Jesuit priest.
Prior to falling into secular apathy, my last stop on my lifelong spiritual journey had been to Eastern Orthodoxy. And so, I immediately returned to the Antiochian parish I had attended off and on and took Intro to Orthodoxy classes. This time, I managed to get my husband and children to join me, and soon they were all sold and feeling God's presence.
I started to see positive changes in my daughter's attitude towards spiritual things. She started dressing up for church without being nagged about it. Soon, I started a daily prayer rule and after about a month of doing it myself, I started including my children in my morning and evening prayers. On a couple of occasions, my daughter has briefly tried veiling during prayer (I started veiling for personal prayer as well as Church after being encouraged by the popularity of the practice at the Orthodox church we attended.) Once, my daughter even chose to fast with me before church.
I was tired of looking here and there and started to understand that my spiritual quest was no longer just about me. It wasn't just about trying to fill that God-shaped hole in my heart, though it was that, too. It was now about finding the right environment in which to raise my children within the Christian faith.
I wanted to be sure I didn't leave any rock unturned, so I kept looking for different Catholic churches to visit before deciding to become Orthodox catechumens. We finally attended an Eastern Rite Catholic Divine Liturgy and a Latin Mass (apparently a Low Mass, as it was silent) both on the same day. We were not impressed with either, especially as compared to the beauty and engagement and reverence and joy we felt at the Orthodox church.
On the way home, my husband and I discussed this and essentially agreed to go ahead and focus all of our attention on Orthodoxy. I started to gather questions for another meeting with the Orthodox priest before requesting to start the Catechumen process. But there was something, something quite big, actually, that first had to be decided.
My son had just officially begun his two-year process of sacramental preparation to receive his First Holy Communion at our Catholic home parish. After several conversations, my daughter was comfortable with the idea of him receiving Communion at an earlier age than she did (since he'd be able to receive immediately upon entering the Orthodox church). But really, we wanted to maintain dual affiliation and continue with my son's sacramental prep while simultaneously preparing to enter the Orthodox church as a family. It didn't take long for the cognitive dissonance to kick in.
The same day, when praying in the evening, I knew I couldn't proceed as planned. It would be dishonest to both churches. And while I knew that my allegiance is to Christ and not either church, I also knew that I needed the context of the church (one of them, anyway) and not to go the Protestant route of being my own pope and interpreting Scriptures as I saw fit, based on my limited understanding of the context and Church Tradition.
I spoke with my son. I felt for him. I apologized to both my children that I hadn't found Orthodoxy sooner, and that they were unable to receive the Eucharist from birth as Catholics. My son surprised me when I asked if he'd rather prepare for his First Communion in the Catholic or Orthodox church. He chose Catholic, even though it meant having to wait longer to start receiving Communion.
We were back to square one. We would continue to attend both churches, and take turns between satisfying our desire for reverence and our desire to receive Communion. But again it didn't take long to see something was amiss with this plan.
I had been going back and forth between watching a lot of YouTube videos by both Orthodox and Catholics. I focused my attention on Catholic content once I realized that what was at the crux of our decision was the Eucharist.
I was never attracted to the Eucharist in Orthodoxy. While I absolutely LOVE the idea of families taking turns baking the bread used during liturgy for communion, the fact that it is distributed by spoon was a major turn off for me. There also wasn't any Eucharistic Adoration. I know that Jesus never asked us to adore Him, or His Real Presence in the Eucharist, but He never asked us to have the specific liturgical rites either. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with these developments, since they organically sprang up from the life of the church.
But then I started to remember how I was first introduced to the Eucharistic Lord - within the Catholic church, at the altar railing, kneeling, receiving a host on the tongue. I loved the reverence of the Orthodox church, but in all the times I've attended, we've only ever kneeled once as a congregation, on Pentecost I believe. So I took to some online Orthodox groups to inquire about it. I wanted to know if there was any reason why I couldn't receive Communion while kneeling, once I became Orthodox.
The response I got was quite shocking. People were offended. I was accused of trying to "romanize" their faith tradition. Others were less harsh and simply explained the reasoning behind their not kneeling during Divine Liturgy. Also, when asking about the dilemma about my daughter having to stop receiving Communion after having to wait until she was 7 years old (which was just one year ago) if we started the catechumen process, some didn't mince any words when they said that our Catholic Eucharist is "invalid" and she might as well not be receiving at all! Similarly, when asking about visiting non-Orthodox churches when traveling, to maintain the family value we have of "church on Sunday", also told me that we're better off praying at home than stepping foot in a Catholic or other non-Orthodox church.
At last, the imperfections of Orthodoxy started to come out. And not a moment too soon. The friendly Orthdox at my local parish warned me that they were not perfect. But I finally got to understand what that meant. And then I was able to extend that to their faith tradition. The Divine Liturgy at this particular Orthodox church is sublime! But I've been to other Orthodox churches where I have a very different experience.
Back to the Eucharist and the fork in the road for us. As I was consuming more and more Catholic content, I started listening more and more about the Traditional Latin Mass. Now, we had already attended two and neither compared to our Orthodox experience. But then I had to remind myself that there's an element of specific churches that plays into it. I was willing to give the original TLM church we attended another chance.
I joined a TLM group online, where I was quickly introduced to a documentary about Vatican 2 and the TLM, and I started to remember.
I started to remember that they were describing the Mass that was still so evident in the super reverent Novus Ordo Masses in Poland (change happened much slower initially there, presumably due to the Iron Curtain that didn't come down until after we had immigrated to the US).
I started to remember that I had had a love for our Eucharistic Lord. I believed in His Real Presence, but it had been buried under years of irreverence by parishioners and priests alike at the various innovative Novus Ordo Masses I had attended since leaving the parish where I received my First Holy Communion.
I started to remember the commonalities that I was recognizing between the Orthodox worship style and elements from my own background.
I started to remember that the Catholic church includes a lot of different expressions of faith, including the Eastern Rite, the Novus Ordo (most common), the Traditional Latin Mass, and the "Anglicanorum Coetibus" efforts.
I started to remember that no matter which denomination I would attend, if we recited a creed, it inevitably said "I believe in one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church." The word "Catholic" was never lost on me. I'd think, that's funny - we're in an Episopal/Lutheran/Orthodox church, yet here we are all professing a faith in the Catholic church!
I remembered that as a Catholic, I had the honor of being able to receive Jesus in the Eucharist every single day during daily Mass, while as an Orthodox, it was only an option during Divine Liturgy, which generally happened no more than once (sometimes twice) per week.
And so I remembered what the entire center of our Christian faith is all about: Jesus Christ, and specifically his teaching, example, sacrifice, and Real Presence in the Eucharist.
I remembered that God made me a Catholic. I remembered that Jesus said, "seek, and ye shall find". I remembered that what I was seeking was to be found right within Catholicism, just not under my nose.
And so I began what I hope and pray will be the final stage of my spiritual journey, a homecoming to the Traditional Latin Mass. No conversion rites necessary, no break in reception of the Eucharist, no hopping around trying to get different needs met at different churches. No vague looking for "reverence". Rather, "seek first the kingdom of God, and then other things will be give ye besides." If I seek Jesus, I will find reverence. It may look different from the Orthodox reverence, but it will be reverence nonetheless.
Today at Novus Ordo Mass, I was observing the Mass through a critical eye. I noticed how the general feel of the Mass was based on the style of music and the charisma of the homilist. I noticed how my experience of prayer was directly limited by the attire and behavior of my fellow parishioners, who may see Mass as an opportunity to fellowship while I am simply looking for a chance to pray and worship the Lord. And as I looked around and thought, "nice music, nice homily, friendly people"... I also thought.... "just like any other Mainline Protestant Church."
What does the Catholic church have that no other church has? It has the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist (which it shares with the Orthodox church, and while some other denominations claim it, there is absolutely nothing in their style of worship that communicates this (similarly to most Novus Ordo Masses, sadly)) AND it has the unifying principle of the Papacy, Magisterium of the Church, and the Catechism.
I may not like a lot of what comes from the Pope. I may not agree with certain teachings of the Church. But my goodness, do I respect and appreciate there being clear and strong boundaries in place! If I choose to "go rogue", at least I know that's what I'm doing, and I'm doing it at my own risk. I can gauge how far I'm straying, and decide what's too far for my own comfort level. Of course, this isn't the teaching of the Church. But let's be honest. If every Catholic believed everything the Catholic church teaches, then we wouldn't have the Protestant Novus Ordo situation, the overwhelming majority of Catholics not believing in the Real Presence, the lack of modesty and chastity, the downright secularization and relativization and compartmentalization of our faith, rather than the faith being the singular North Star of our very identity as a child of God and follower of Christ.
The Church has made some terrible doozies, and so it is wise and healthy to maintain a little bit of a skepticism when discerning how applicable certain teachings really are. If I am wrong, that is between God and me. But I don't think the Church should back down to accommodate me. I should have to be willing to break with the Church when going my own way. I should not feel completely confirmed in so doing. There needs to be a little discomfort that forces us to actually discern, rather than blindly following our passions. Blindly following our passions is no different than blindly following our religious authorities. Humans make mistakes. We must be in the habit of daily discernment, and not taking the easy route of just accepting at face value anything that looks nice.
But I digress. The important thing is that I feel myself coming full circle, and I am hopeful about the final leg of my spiritual journey, not merely "back to Catholicism", but deep into the original, traditional Catholicism that stands out as the little taste of heaven on earth that it is meant to provide in its evangelization efforts to help us fall in love with Christ.
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