I love the Orthodox Church we've been going to. The priest, the community, the interior decoration, the chanting, the beauty, the reverence, the more appropriate dress of the faithful, the presence of a large number of homeschooled children, the fact that both my husband and my daughter likewise enjoy this church and prefer it to others, the sense of God's presence.
God's presence. There's something strange going on here that is giving me pause. I blame my autistic brain, but anyway. It seems that God is present in this church *when there is a worship service going on*. I feel a sense of timelessness, a sense of getting a preview of heaven. But then when the church is empty, when the people have gone... I don't know.
I don't really feel a need to linger. And maybe that's fine and the way it's meant to be. After all, Jesus said that where 2 or 3 are gathered, there He will be (Matthew 18:20). He didn't say, as Evangelicals like to insist, that He wants a personal 1:1 relationship with us as individuals.
The way I remember church (Catholic) is that there was this reverence, singing of meaningful songs that I knew and liked, people dressed appropriately, interior looked like a church, etc... AND front and center - the tabernacle that housed the Eucharist. The little red light signaled Jesus's presence. Even if no one else was in the church but me, as I entered, I dipped my fingers in the holy water font, made the sign of the cross, genuflected before the tabernacle, and greeted the Lord.
On retreats, I've spent time on my knees in the dark just praying next to the Tabernacle. In Adoration, I've sat in silence when others likewise sat in silence, and I communed with God. During Mass, I would take my place at the altar railing and wait my turn for the priest to bring me the Eucharistic Host and place it directly on my tongue, after having reminded me that it was "the Body of Christ".
Once I learn something a certain way, it is very difficult for me to expand that understanding to include other expressions. I guess religious matters are no different. I never really made the connection between the Eucharistic Host and the word "bread", or the fact that Jesus used actual bread, much more closely related to the bread used in Orthodox Liturgy.
Having the physical presence of the Eucharistic Jesus remain there for me to ponder, to return to, to gaze upon, to consider as I process His Real Presence... that is not something I find in the Orthodox church. It is the one thing that is lacking in Orthodoxy for me.
But I can't just think about myself anymore. My priority is to raise my children to love the Lord. If they don't feel engaged at TLM, but they do feel engaged at Divine Liturgy, then I cannot ignore that. If we say we want community with fellow believers and followers of Christ, so that our children can be surrounded by positive role models, and the atmosphere at the TLM is somber and cold, then we cannot pretend it will magically bare the fruits that the Orthodox experience is baring.
For the time being, I remain as Jesus without a place to lay my head (see Matthew 8:20). I will continue to alternate between Orthodoxy and Catholicism, but I see that I need to focus all of my attention on TLM. Going to an Eastern Rite Mass will be no different for me than going to an Orthodox Divine Liturgy, from the perspective of the Eucharist.
I don't care about alignment with the pope. I don't believe one of these churches is somehow more authentic than the other. I believe they're two lungs of the Church of Christ started 2k years ago. What a travesty that they remain in schism, and what a travesty that the Latin rite has gone so far to assimilate itself to its Protestant Western competition. It's pretty much unrecognizable unless you know exactly what to look for, and even then; Orthodoxy is way closer to my Catholic formation than Novus Ordo Masses.
Maybe, like in the prayer of Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (Patient Trust), I need to heed this advice: "Give our Lord the benefit of believing that His hand is leading you, and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete."
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