Well, we attended a Byzentine Catholic Mass and a Traditional Latin Mass both in one day, in hopes of finding a church that could compete with the Orthodox one we've all grown to love. They both fell flat for different reasons.
So on the way home, hubby and I discussed making the switch and becoming catechumens in the Orthodox Church. Only, we knew we weren't doing it bc we thought Orthodoxy was any more "true" than Catholicism, so we did not want to prevent our son from receiving his first reconciliation and communion at the Catholic church.
I got mixed messages from my son. On the way up to the altar railing at the TLM, he pulled me aside and asked if he could've received Communion that morning. (We technically could've, but it was a last minute decision and we didn't notify the priest that we were indeed Catholic, plus since they receive on the spoon like the Orthodox, and we thought we may be converting to Orthodoxy, we wanted that Communion Experience to be reserved for entry into Orthodoxy. Plus, since we were attending two masses in one day, and we're only supposed to receive the Eucharist only once a day, we opted for reception at the TLM since reception at the altar railing was something I had been looking forward to.
Sadly, it was tarnished by my heart breaking for my son, who was clearly disappointed that yet again he couldn't receive Communion. I disagree with the RCC on this, and I felt guilt for making my children wait when I believe Jesus meant it when He said, "Let the little children come to Me" (Matthew 19:14).
At any rate, we thought we had a plan, but quickly it started gnawing at me that we were proposing to be deceptive to both churches. Even though I believe the two churches will one day be reunited, and intercommunion won't be an issue, they aren't now, and I didn't feel right taking it upon myself to intentionally deceive our intentions.
Interestingly, when I shared my concerns with my son, who was eager to convert so that he could start receiving Communion sooner, he actually backpaddled and said that he'd rather wait bc he does want to receive his first communion in the Catholic church.
I was heartbroken. I had so longed to be done with church hopping, alternating between churches, and I just wanted to immerse our family in one church's community without reservation. But my conscience would not let me make such an important decision with such a big deception in mind.
I took it to prayer as I did my other reservations. I released my identity as being a Catholic. I released my preference for the unleavened host Eucharist. I released my desire for the familiar and comfortable. Now I saw I had to let go of my desire for certainty, finality, and maybe even beauty.
The Orthodox Divine Liturgy is absolutely beautiful. But beauty can be deceiving. I cannot merely base my faith affiliation on beauty and feelings. There has to be another factor in raising my children in the faith.
I've started to do Lectio Divina with the kids at breakfast. I try to remember to include them for at least part of my morning and evening prayer. Now I've told them we will begin going to Daily Mass at least once during the week, so that my daughter and I can continue to receive Communion, and so my son can still be around Jesus in the Catholic Eucharist, since that is where he wants to receive his First Communion.
I also want to work in Eucharistic Adoration into our routine. Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament overlaps with Confession times at our main Catholic church, so we will do both at least monthly.
In the meantime, we will continue to attend the Orthodox Divine Liturgy on Sundays, as our spirits are being fed there, and we are building Christian community there as well.
What's more, I see that there is no reason I can't incorporate Orthodox spiritual practices into my personal Christian walk. I must again and again remind myself that my faith is in Christ, not in either of the two churches, even if they were started by Christ. Only Christ is perfect, not even His churches can be expected to be perfect.
What's more, and this is something the Orthodox at our church warned about - I have started to notice the human icky tendencies among some Orthodox online. Very arrogant in their claims and beliefs that their church is not only better than all others, Catholic included, but even to the point of being told by two people that Jesus is not present in the Catholic Eucharist. Furthermore, while I appreciate not having a "Sunday obligation" imposition by the Orthodox, I don't like the idea of it being preferable to pray alone at home than to attend a so-called "heterodox" church (ie. Catholic) when traveling.
There are a lot of things about Catholicism that leave room to grow and improve. Lots. But by golly, I feel like it is far more inclusive and understanding and reasonable and... dare I say... Christ-like because of it. Maybe there's an element of my being used to being Catholic and not necessarily taking everything the RCC teaches as seriously as it is intended. That is my bad.
But in the end, while there definitely are liturgical abuses within the Catholic, the liturgy is actually not the be all end all of following Christ. A life lived in imitation of Christ - that is ultimately the goal of a Christ-follower. While a beautiful and reverent and uplifting liturgy certainly helps, and while the Eucharist is indeed the center of the Christian life, and while I do indeed believe the church's job is not merely to meet us where we are but also to lead us to constantly improve, I don't think isolation is the ideal expression.
I've been thinking lately about how choosing between Orthodoxy and Catholicism is like choosing a spouse. You can't just pick the best looking one. And even sometimes they can seem just perfect on paper, and even when we spend time together, but for whatever reasons something is just off, there's no chemistry, or there's only chemistry but no practical longevity. Or, for that matter, if both churches are true in my mind, and I'm already "married" to one, then it doesn't matter if the other one could've been a great option bc I'm already committed to the first.
Bottom line, I'm in need of making a more intentional effort with Catholic community. I can't just throw my hands up and blame the churches. I guess I have to make my own community, like the Orthodox church people have made it their community through their effort and my family and I have just benefited from their efforts.
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