Pro-Life but Not Celebrating

I consider myself Pro-Life, but I would not use the word "celebrate" to describe how I feel about the recent SCOTUS decision.

Some of these babies that were going to be aborted will now be born to resentful mothers who didn't want to give birth to them in the first place. Consider for one moment what that does to the mother-child relationship!

I've heard people say absentmindedly, "you wanted to have sex, now deal with the consequences." Well, we can say the same thing to pro-lifers. "You wanted less abortions, now go help those mothers in every way you can."

I support a small government, and I expect that the more locally-based our laws are, the more motivated people should get about voting.

And while I detest the thought of ending human life in the womb, I also cannot ignore the fact that this is a situation that pits two people's interests against each other. There cannot always be a clear and obvious winner.

Strangely, when I heard the news, I was overwhelmed with emotion that made me feel like now was the time to walk the walk. It's not enough to be "against abortion". Abortions will still take place. If not in one state, in another. And if not legally, then illegally. It's far more crucial to be "for all life".

Are we supposed to merely be satisfied with unborn babies being born? Regardless of the circumstances into which they are born? Regardless if they will then go on to be neglected or abused because their parents had no business becoming parents? Regardless of the toll it takes on their mother's bodies, mental health, and ability to feed the rest of the family?

If we are truly "Pro-Life", then we need to put our money where our mouths are. We need to step up and donate to, or volunteer with, crisis pregnancy centers. We need to provide what many women facing difficult pregnancies lack. First and foremost, they need our compassion, followed closely by material support.

Neonatal care, maternity clothes, often a place to live (because sadly a lot of "pro-lifers" are also part of the "purity culture" where they'd rather shame their unwed teenaged daughter for getting pregnant than support her through it) and a source of income. The cost of childbirth is astronomical if you have to pay out of pocket.

Then comes all the costs associated with caring for a baby. Many of these costs can be averted or minimized by utilizing "old-school" methods. I'm thinking here of breastfeeding on cue and cloth diapers and elimination communication. But most of the women facing unplanned pregnancies do not have the luxury of staying home to care for her child. In that case, not only will she need to pay for formula and disposable diapers, but also for daycare.

So for every time you think of yourself as a "pro-lifer", ask yourself; what have I done lately to support a woman facing a difficult pregnancy?

As much as I believe in the power of prayer, prayer alone is not enough. Prayer is meant to move us to action. It is meant as a tool of discernment so we can open ourselves up to God leading us to be Christ's hands and feet in the world. By all means, pray your heart our for these babies and these women. But then, make a donation, or set up a recurring donation. Or go volunteer.

We can celebrate when all women feel supported through their pregnancies, when all women can avoid getting pregnant unintentionally, and when we stop pitting one group of people against another.

May the Lord guide us, protect us, and empower us to do the next right thing. Amen.

Jesus Asks Us To...

Deny ourselves, pick up our cross daily, and follow Him.

Serve Him.

Walk in the light of life.

Follow His example/imitate Him.

Be holy.

Do the will of the Father.

Seek God's reign and righteousness through tribulation.

Live and walk by the Spirit.

Rest in Him/His peace and not the world's.

Learn from Him.

Hear His voice.

Keep His commandments.

Do not love the world.

Be like Him/my teacher.

Worship in Spirit and Truth.

Let our light shine.

Feed on His flesh and blood.

endure to the end.

Abide in Him.

Know that we will be hated by all for His sake.

Know that we will be persecuted for the desire to live a godly life in Christ.

Know that He will make us a new version of ourselves.

Sell our wealth and distribute to the poor.

Love one another.

Bear good fruit.

Be saved through faith and works.

Autistic Spirituality

1. The rigorous black-or-white thinking of my autistic brain means that I am at risk for scrupulosity. It means I cannot readily pick out the nuances of rules, and so I try to stick to them at all costs.

2. My sense of justice means that I will find every instance of injustice and unfairness everywhere I look, and as a result, I will conclude that there is no perfect church, denomination, or faith tradition that truly expresses my understanding of God. 

3. It will also make it very difficult for me to trust imperfect people who presume to tell me how to live my life, including religious authorities.

4. My hypersensitivity means that I easily pick up on oversights, discrepancies, and hypocrisy.  I cannot look past it to appreciate the bigger picture.

5. It also means that I am drawn to beauty, including in worship services.  I will gravitate towards more esthetically beautiful worship services and fail to get much out of more mundane services.

6. My noise sensitivity in particular means that I'm not going to want to be in loud, crowded places.  I would much rather be alone and in silence.

7. Because socialization does not come naturally to me, I find myself most comfortable in a highly scripted, liturgical setting, where I can "be with people" without having to really think about what to say or do around those people.

8. Also because I prefer to be alone and ponder ideas rather than interact with others, I find it difficult to find ways to serve in the community, to fellowship, and even to develop a relationship with God.  

9. The anxiety I get around socialization also prevents me from certain service and fellowship opportunities, which in turn often incite guilt in me (due to #1 scrupulosity), which keeps me pretty busy worrying about how I'm falling short instead of focusing on how I can serve and worship God.

Maybe It's Not About the Religion Afterall

 What does it mean for me to "follow Jesus" for real? 

Does it mean membership in a particular denomination?  An adherence to the official teachings of that denomination?  Participation in the rites and rituals of that denomination?

Does it mean holding fast to a certain creed that sums up what all followers of Jesus are supposedly supposed to believe?  Does it mean idolizing the Bible as the single most important (or even only?!) source of God's communication with me? Does it mean either being literate and knowledgeable enough to make sense of what I read therein, or acquiescing my ability to interpret Scripture to someone else, like a church authority figure in a particular denomination?

Or does it mean trying to learn as much as I can about the person of Jesus and then trying best I can to model my life on His example and teachings?  Does it mean then that I trust the Holy Spirit to lead me to the interpretation that is most relevant for me at a particular point in time? 

Is following Jesus a nuanced endeavor?  Or a clear-cut path?  Is it going to look similar for all followers of Jesus, or will it differ wildly in some (maybe even most) cases?

Have I been assuming others know better than me what God wants from me?  Have I been so attached to external validation that I cannot find the spiritual freedom that is my birthright as a child of God?  I can follow Jesus WITHIN the denomination that speaks to me for other reasons.  Or I can follow Jesus in a DIFFERENT denomination that perhaps may someday better resonate with me.  Or I can follow Jesus OUTSIDE of any denomination at all.  

What if the whole world were my church denomination?  What if all of humanity were my fellowship team?  What if human and civil rights were my creed?  What if nature were my sanctuary? What if my prayers, whatever they are, however they manifest, whenever they bubble up to the surface, were just what God wants to hear from me at that moment?  What if God has been telling me all along that GOD DOES NOT NEED RELIGION?!  And if it isn't God's requirement, can anything religion says be a requirement of me just because that's what it says?  No!  

I will make mistakes as I try to discern what God wants from me and for me.  So has everyone else, Church Fathers and Mothers included, theologians and clergy included, saints and skeptics included.  Why should I succumb to their mistakes instead of making my own and through these growing closer to God?

How Do I Worship God?

 Worship:

1. to praise God, especially in song

2. to stand in awe of something, especially God

3. to be humble in front of God

4. to offer oneself to God

5. devotion, reverence

6. any act that is intended to express one of these

I've often wanted to "belong" to a group of like-minded believers so we can worship God together.  But inevitably, something is lacking.

Either we're not like-minded enough for my idealistic expectations...

Or we don't feel the need to express our sense of worship to God in the same way...

Or generally - both.

I've been chasing a dream all of my life.  I've wanted my proverbial cake and I wanted to eat it too, which let's be honest, is a dumb saying.  What else would you want cake for, if not to eat it?  But I digress.

Reverent feelings for me are attained in silence, stillness, and nature.  Also, by candlelight, with chimes or bells, incense, chanting or emotional singing, or instrumental music.  I feel worshipful when I take on certain postures and make certain gestures.  It helps to embody my thoughts and feelings and intentions.

The like-mindedness for me is just as elusive in politics, which I think is basically what we're talking about.  How would we arrange the world if it were up to us?  I believe I'm pro-life.  I hate abortion.  And war.  And a meat diet.  And gang violence.  And human trafficking.  And sexual assault. And the death penalty.  And the poisoning of our environment.  And the dehumanization and profiling of minorities (especially sexual, ethnic, or religious minorities).  Most pro-lifers I know don't recognize the life at stake in some of these issues.

I also hate waste - natural resources, money, time, talent.  I mean, I have a visceral reaction to waste.  It's a very strong value for me.  Right under right to life, I think.  I don't really know anyone with as strong of a sense of conservation as mine.  That's not to say that my actions always reflect this.  It's very hard, especially because most of the time it's an uphill battle.

Finally, I love both diversity and tradition.  I don't particularly care for mixing the two, as then both get diluted.  But going back and forth between the two, if needed, fills different areas of my soul.  Beauty comes into play in both of these aspects.  There's beauty in certain traditions that are meaningful for me.  There's beauty in other traditions that I'm not personally acquainted with.

It is these things I have been trying to find in a faith community, but I don't know why I ever thought that I could.  These are my unique priorities.  To build a faith around it, a world-view, would require proselytizing, which goes against my appreciation of diversity, since the goal of proselytizing is to make people conform to a single idea.

You'll notice I'm not using faith language here.  I am both spiritual and religious, but my spirituality and religiosity are neither dependent on each other, nor are they based entirely on any one organized faith tradition.  I know a lot of people in similar unique spiritualities find fulfilment in Quaker or UU fellowship, but the thing with these two faith organizations is that they are quite political, and across the board left-leaning.  I used to align much more with them than I do now.  

They both support abortion, and they also seem to support whatever the latest demands are for transgender people.  On the other hand, they do not seem to value premarital chastity or modesty in the least bit.

Anyway, the question of the moment is this: How shall I worship God?

If it's true worship, then it can't merely be doing things that make me feel good.  There's a place for that - perhaps in the arena of spiritual self-care.  But I can't equate my personal worship preferences with "true worship".  

It only becomes "true worship" when it is oriented towards the object of my worship, namely God.  

How do I humble myself before the Lord?  

How do I stand in awe of God?

How do I offer my life in service to God?

I can probably easily figure out how to praise God in song, through reverence and devotion.  But this is only the beginning.  It must necessarily spill into the rest of my daily life.  

What Am I Looking For?

Fr. Joshua, the Orthodox priest I spoke with a few weeks ago, asked me this question at the end of our meeting.  At the time, I told him I wanted to "belong" and I wanted a "relationship with God".  

Since that meeting, I started a prayer and fasting rule of life.  I'm trying very hard not to get sucked into scrupulosity, and just do what I can when I can and tweak it as I go.  I believe that God is pleased with my efforts and is helping me discern what exactly I really am looking for.  I realize that converting to Orthodoxy will not guarantee me a relationship with God.  That is strictly between me and God.  It does not depend on other people.  I can use what methods and tools are available from whatever faith tradition helps get me there.

As for belonging... it seems that once my husband and children expressed a willingness to consider Orthodoxy, I started to panic.  I started to envision what that would be like.  I even had a heart-to-heart with my kids about what conversion would mean for my son's upcoming (in 2 years) First Communion.  We stayed after Divine Liturgy for lunch and met some regular Orthodox folks, and realized they were normal people like us.  I started to like the idea of joining this community.  Oscar went to a men's breakfast and talk on a Saturday morning, I started communicating with their homeschooling co-op coordinator, and we're planning to take them up on their invitation to their church open house at one of the parishoner's homes.

Then we went to our usual Catholic church so we could receive Communion.  I cried.  I thought about what it meant to become Orthodox - it meant to cease to be Catholic.  At least in theory.  

And then I remembered certain concerns I have with both churches (Orthodox and Catholic) - namely their stance against LGBTQ affirmation.  I'm expected to believe that it is the loving thing to do to expect people with same-sex attraction to live celibate lives, even if they find a suitable, available partner who would want to spend their life with them.  I'm expected to believe that two men or two women simply cannot form the sort of magical union that heterosexual marriage forms.  That if they try, it is an abomination!  That God hates that they would act on the sexual orientation that He gave them.  I look at the teachings and actions of Jesus, and I just can't seem to reconcile the churches' attitude with that of Christ.  

Even though both churches have the same official stance, the difference is that 1) there is a lot more wiggle room in Catholicism - it's precisely the sort of loosey-goosey approach that has made reverence disappear from the sanctuaries, and 2) I'm already Catholic.  There's no pulling wool over anyone, there's no faking the funk, no entering under false pretenses.  I was Catholic before I formed my opinion after much discernment.  

And so I ask myself - what AM I looking for?  Is it really to belong?  Because the cost of belonging is conformity.  And that is not what Jesus taught.  Jesus taught accountability directly to God for how we understand and apply His Great Commandment.  If what we're doing or saying does not show love for God or others, then it's not from God.  And to say that God does not want love for his gay children is just ludicrous.  It may be something individuals are called to - celibacy, or the religious life, but not entire segments of the population.  I'm not willing to conform on this one.  I don't agree with a lot of the latest developments coming from the so-called gender ideology agenda.  I do think there are issues that are encroaching on the rights of others here.  Who marries whom is none of my business.  But who shares a bathroom or lockeroom with me or my children, who competes in athletics with an unfair biological advantage, who demands that others call them by made-up pronouns when they give no reason for someone to clearly see them as they see themselves (that's only applicable to those who still abide by the gender binary)... this is ludicrious.  I'm scared to make an innocent mistake, I'm scared to suggest something isn't fair, but I digress here....

The point is, I know I have a lot to learn about transgender issues.  But when it comes to gay "issues", I'm over it.  There's nothing controversial there for me.  I'm not really willing to pretend that I oppose something I don't.  I can't break this principle just to feel like I belong.  Do I really want to belong to people who would make my gay friends and relatives feel unwelcome?  I think my sense of justice is stronger on this one than my desire to belong.

And so I ask myself, again: what am I looking for?  Why was I attracted to Orthodoxy in the first place?  It's not really the theology.  While I do think as far as church history goes, they're probably right.  The papacy was a later development and not intended by Jesus.  The filioque was indeed a later development that doesn't really do justice to the Holy Spirit.  (Maybe?)  Eucharistic Adoration is a later development and Jesus meant for us to eat His Body and Blood, not adore it.  But then, the spoon in Orthodox Communion is also a later development.  Jesus didn't spoon-feed his disciples at the Last Supper.  Jesus didn't wear vestments.  The early church didn't have an iconostasis, nor did they always have a building to worship in.  

The early church was much more casual than either the Catholic or the Orthodox church.  They gathered in each other's homes.  They formed small groups where they sacrificed for each other (voluntary communism, if you will).  They read from Scriptures, they preached about the Gospel (resurrection of Jesus and our need for repentance).  They prayed together.  They sang spiritual songs.  They broke bread (as in, they shared a meal just like Jesus did with so many of the people he taught - here I remember how the Quakers understand "Holy Communion" - it's found in the gathering of the people for a shared meal.  It's not simply the bread itself.  Rather, it's what that bread represents - a shared meal, spiritual food, and an opportunity to gather together.  In the midst of that, Jesus really is present, body and blood.)

That's about all I can discern from Acts of the Apostles.  They had bishops as far as organization is concerned.  They assigned different tasks for different people.  They shared their wealth with the poor.  They sent out people to travel and preach.  They performed miracles.  They went to their deaths rather than stay quiet about Jesus.

Those features are actually present in a lot of church denominations to varying degrees.

What I don't see is: candles, icons, incense, bells, vestments, rituals, prescribed fasts (it seems fasting was done individually, not because the calendar said it was time to fast).  Yet these are the things that attract me to Orthodoxy.  And what attracts me to Catholicism is Eucharistic Adoration and kneeling.

What am I looking for?  I guess I'm just looking for ways to feel spiritual.  To tap into that other-worldly sense of the divine that I have a hard time accessing in my ordinary mundane life.  There's nothing wrong with that.  But it's also not a good reason to convert.

I'm not looking to belong to just anything.  I'm looking to belong to God.  I want to feel as though I belong with God.  That God is on my side.  That God lives in me.  That God leads my every step.  That God cares for me, understands me, and will never leave me.  I actually don't need religion for that.  But aspects of religion do help me feel closer to God, and those are the aspects I should focus on.

What if I could have it both ways?  What if we alternate churches and do what we can in each community?  What if I mix and match in my personal prayer life?  That's really where the battles are fought - in my personal prayer life.  Not in church.  Not through a label. External validation is a wolf in sheep's clothing.  It does not validate at all if I am doing the right thing.  I must learn to discern that for myself through daily attention to my spiritual life.  Through prayer, fasting, spiritual reading, retreats, alsmgiving... There's no short cut.  Becoming Orthodox but not doing these things will not help me feel closer to God.  But doing these things even without converting will.

Hesitations and Considerations

Perhaps it's because I'm rushing it.  Or maybe I just haven't given myself enough time to actually become part of the community yet.  Or I'm realizing that conversion is serious business, a lifestyle and lifetime commitment that not only impacts me but my immediate family as well.  

Maybe I know that I'm not converting with the same literal intention that most other converts do, and this worries me.  I believe God is everywhere and we can all reach God without going through the church.  I happen to like the Orthodox church as it is a convenient concentration of time, place, people, and practices that can guide me on my spiritual path.  Do I believe Orthodoxy is "the" concentration of Truth with a capital T over and above what all other worldviews offer?  Let's just say I have no desire to proselytize anyone.  I don't worry about the state of anyone's soul in eternity because they aren't Orthodox.  Or even Christian.  Or even believers in one God.  

No, Orthodoxy for me is entirely a choice, a preference, something that speaks to me and resonates with me.  It offers me ways to get in touch with the Divine in a way that helps me - yes, I'm going to play the autism card - and my autistic brain.  

Even though I don't believe the church's limits and rules are "necessary", I do believe they are helpful, at least to me.  Am I still going to have to take things with a grain of salt?  Yes.  Am I still going to have to watch how I express some of my beliefs?  Yes.  Am I going to have to watch myself so I don't fall back into scrupulosity?  Yes.  

Will it give me a sense of belonging?  I think and hope so.  Will it give me a place and time I can regularly place myself in the presence of the Divine?  Yes. Will it challenge me to stay on the straight and narrow?  Yes.  Am I likely to grow in wisdom and virtue by following the Orthodox path?  I think and hope so.  

How do I reconcile my strong affinity to Orthodoxy with my disappointment at there not being a visible place of leadership for women within the life of the church?  Or am I not understanding all that goes into it yet, and still associating priesthood with leadership when in fact there are many different gifts that come together to make the community function?  What about same-sex marriage?  In my heart of hearts, I believe love is love, and I support two consenting adults building a life together, with or without children.  I do not see it as scandalous or in any way contrary to God's law.  Yes, God made us female and male, but that just means our species must have both of these to continue.  It doesn't mean every female must be matched to a male, and then they must reproduce.  Life just doesn't work that way.  There's monasticism.  There's infertility.  One's a choice, the other is not.  

I guess I continue to think of "sin" as doing something wrong.  For something to be wrong, it has to interfere with someone's wellness.  And here we can get into a lot of trouble, because we do not control how others perceive us.  People can be offended by a woman in pants and with short hair - that doesn't make the way she chooses to present herself a "sin".  Other people can be offended by a woman without a paid career and a large number of children.  That also doesn't make her private choices in any way sinful.

And if we are all sinful no matter what we do, why pick on gay people and make them feel as though their "missing the mark" (of the supposed "ideal" of heterosexuality) is in some way worse than the missed mark in any other area of life?  And really, the idea that there is anything not ideal about loving someone who is not otherwise unavailable and mutually interested?

I guess I just don't understand why gay love is supposed to be "wrong".  

What if this is one of those crosses the Lord is asking me to carry?  This sense of empathy for my gay sisters and brothers who can't simply keep their opinions to themselves and carry on within the faith, unless they stay single. I not only want to join Orthodoxy, I want my immediate family - my husband and children - to join with me.  We want to join as a family.  To think that someone may want the same thing but cannot do it, would not be seen as a valid family, it just breaks my heart.  

There's a place for Orthodoxy, for being slow to change, for tradition.  I don't think we should be jumping on every new bandwagon that comes our way.  But gay rights have been embraced as civil rights for decades now.  Several generations have been raised now with increasing sympathy to marriage equity.  I know that often people are afraid of change because they think one thing will lead to another... and this is often the case.  Often in secular society, this exact thing happens.  But there is no discernment in secular society.  People just make demands based on what they want, without pondering if it's actually in their best interest, or for the greater good.  There's a fine balance to be walked.  

What if my desire to join Orthodoxy is just as much about making a clean break with Catholicism as it is about embracing a new faith and community?  I shouldn't join Orthodoxy just to leave Catholicism.  

Or maybe all of this may be true, but I should proceed anyway, trusting that God will carry me through.

Conversion Ponderings

I don't particularly care that the Catholic church isn't the original church of the apostles like I had been led to believe.  

What I do care about is my personal experience within the Catholic church.  It's stale.  There's a lack of reverence in the New Order Masses, and a depressing atmosphere in the Tridentine Latin Mass.  The Eastern Catholics may be "in communion" with the Pope, but so what?  The Pope is not the head of the Christian church - Jesus Christ is.  So if the Eastern Catholic Masses more closely resemble Eastern Orthodox Liturgies, might as well go with Orthodoxy, which at least doesn't seem to contradict itself.

But it's still awkward.  I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I need to, I know.  There's so much I love about Orthodoxy, and I'm afraid of it not living up to my expectations.  I'm risk-averse, and it will take a conscious effort for me to jump in even as I worry and doubt.

Will I be able to balance an Orthodox spirituality and secular libertarian politics?

Will I be able to see myself as a faithful Orthodox if I still support civil rights of LGBTQ folks?

I used to think I wanted a church where my children could see women in positions of leadership.  But to be honest, I don't think everyone can do everyone else's job.  Secularly speaking, absolutely I think women should have all the same opportunities and compensation as men.  I just don't want to be expected to do traditionally masculine work, like the military or police work, nor have my daughter be expected to do these unless she want to.  I worry that too much focus on egalitarianism will mean this.

Also, women bring a different aura to whatever they do, so like our language demonstrates, to be feminine is to be human and then some.... there's an additional quality to being a female human.  It's not neutral.  Hence, we speak of "man" to refer to both men and women, but only "woman" can refer to "women".  (Except today, now that gender is being completely obliterated by extreme liberals who simply want no guardrails in life at all and think a free-for-all is equivalent to freedom.)

But I digress.  I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to somehow transition quickly to Orthodoxy. I need to stop and pace myself.

Rule of life: morning and evening prayer of 20 minutes each.

Meatless Wednesdays and Fridays (and no sweets on Fridays?).

Weekly attendance at Divine Liturgy?  We'll have to figure out a schedule for DL and Mass to help prepare Antonio for his First Communion.

Which brings me to another question: is there any hope of reconciling with Catholicism?  Since I'm not actually seeking for "truth" as most converts, I feel much more comfortable holding my own views and interpretations and values up and against the standard Catholic view, because this view has been changing a lot lately and I guess I just don't respect it much anymore.  Orthodoxy, on the other hand - even if I disagree with something, I can't argue that the church is trying to be consistent and live out the Apostolic Faith.

I guess the question is, do I want to be part of a faith tradition that I respect, if I'm not going to see eye to eye with it on interpretation?

I can't really argue with that notion.  Why wouldn't I want to respect the faith tradition I belong to?  

I liken it to marriage in a way.  Of course, neither I as a spouse nor my spouse are perfect.  But we check off enough boxes to have made a lifetime commitment something worth holding onto.  

My relationship with Catholicism is pretty much like an arranged marriage.  I did not choose to grow up with it.  I was submerged in it such that it has been difficult to shake the impact it has had on my life.

Here's Orthodoxy offering me a familiar side-step - a way to keep many of the best things that I remember about Catholicism (which sadly no longer apply) while at the same time offering a more compelling theology, more available mysticism, and a more intimate community.  

Right now, I have realized that I cannot simply be deciding if I want to convert and join the Orthodox church or not.  What I need to do first - and this is actually something I realized about the Orthodox church that initially made me step back - is to establish my relationship with Christ.  Perhaps it won't be a personal relationship in the way that Evangelical Protestants like to talk about.  

Especially as an autistic, it may be unrealistic for me to have the kind of relationship that neurotypicals have with Jesus.  But through the liturgy, sacraments, ascetic practices, and yes - the bells and whistles of beauty that come with that - I can feel like I am at least participating in the relationship with God, instead of just sort of hoping and waiting for feelings of consolation.  

Marriage is not romance.  Marriage is a lifetime commitment.  It's based on love, which is a decision.  A daily, ongoing decision to do what's best for the other person.  I think the same applies to spirituality/religion/faith/our relationship with God.  We decide to do certain things on a regular basis as a way to demonstrate our love to God, and through those very things, God makes room in our hearts and minds and souls for Himself.

Catholicism used to be like this.  If it is still like this in Tridentine Latin Masses, I don't know. I don't remember being impressed the few times I've attended.  It's certainly formal and conducive to prayer, but it's also got something I could do without - a sense of Catholic guilt.  That doesn't go away with the form of worship.  That's ingrained in our theology.  I'm ready for a theology of healing over a theology of penitence.

Today I had a glimpse of hope.  It was while my daughter was reading on my lap.  I thought about the rule of life I have been trying to establish this week, and how I may miss morning prayers and simply turn to God asking for mercy and fully knowing He will grant it.  Because I am asking for healing, not pardon for a crime.  And no loving father will opt not to heal their child, especially when they request it, if it is in their power to do so.  I can't explain it, but I smiled, feeling like I think I may have grasped the ticket to avoiding scrupulosity while nonetheless not giving up on the daily intention of living up to the ideal of my rule of life.  

It's actually quite simple, but I had to intentionally have it presented and mull it over before I realized, ah, yes.  God treats me the way I treat my children, only a world better!  I do not see my children as any less when they make a mistake or even do something to disappoint me.  The moment they show their repentance, I know they've learned their lesson and I'm more than happy to hug it out and move on with our day.

Because my Catholic prayer and worship is associated with guilt, Orthodox prayer and worship may be just what the Good Doctor ordered ;)

After the Talk

My appointment with Fr. Joshua went swimmingly.  Not only was he his usual, friendly and reassuring self, but he also validated for me several questions I had that were giving me pause.  I have very esoteric understandings of spiritual things, but most people I meet online do not.  It is sort of like speaking past each other, except I tend to forget that they are in no way more knowledgeable than me just because they parrot back what their favorite spiritual authors have said.

Faith will take a nuanced approach.  It will not be black-or-white, even though many would like me to believe that you either believe X or you don't, and only one of the beliefs is correct.  No, faith is fluid.  Faith is "yes, and".  

One of my main concerns was the literal interpretation of scripture.  I was focusing on the OT/Hebrew Bible, especially the Adam and Eve story.  Fr. Joshua surprised me with a rendition of Jesus's Ascension that was very refreshing and reassuring.  

And with that open mindedness, I started to see that if we can get past the "giftwrap" of the myth's language, we can receive the gift of the message contained therein.  

Fr. Joshua and I compared notes on our understanding of the Holy Trinity, which was super rewarding.  He likened the Father to the sun, and Christ and the Holy Spirit to the light and heat that comes from the sun (the Source).  I likened the Father to reality and Jesus and the Spirit to matter and energy - something I recently read from a scientific point of view that can be seen as one and the same.  If matter and energy are interchangeable at their core, yet we experience them differently, and they both emanate from (for lack of a better word) Ultimate Reality, and we experience Reality only thanks to matter and energy, then are the three not one and the same?  A trinity yet unity? And isn't what we do with one automatically influencial over the other two?

In the same light, I got my answer to why we worship Christ and not the Father.  First, the Father is a personification of that Source aspect of God.  God the Father is not embodied, and therefore not gendered.  Rather, it's the personification of the Tao which allows us to more easily relate to it/Him.  When we worship Christ, we worship God.  There's only the one God, so there is nothing to get jealous over; there's no idolatry, as Jews and Muslims would accuse us of. 

Further, when we say "worship", Fr. Joshua gave me a new way of looking at the meaning of the word: self-offering.  How do we offer ourselves to an abstract ideal?  We only know what we live, and we live embodied lives, and we can only relate to other embodied people.  Therefore, we know what it means to be humble in relation to another human being, but we cannot possibly compare ourselves to the Cosmos at large!  We cannot worship the Cosmos, Reality, the Source, because we cannot define it nor contain it in language or our mind.  But God emptied Himself in the Incarnation, and made Himself available to us in the form of a human, Jesus, precisely so that we could worship in spirit and in truth.  So we can now worship God by worshipping God's Incarnation.  We can offer ourselves to God.  And if we think about it, we have nothing to offer God but what God has given us, and if we know what's good for us, we empty ourselves of our egos and replace them with Christ and the Holy Spirit, and then we offer back to God... God Himself!

I like also that ecological concerns in burial practices are on the radar at least at this church.  I like that there's no objections to organ donation.  I like that while cremation does not lend itself to an Orthodox funeral, it does not imply anything about our eternal salvation.

I like that due to this sense that God can still save us after death, we pray for our deceased loved ones.  And therefore, we can hold out hope for our non-Christian sisters and brothers as well.

I like that it seems I can bring all of my concerns and beliefs and values, so long as I also bring my humility and willingness to learn and be corrected.

I know that I cannot expect perfection, not from myself and not from the Orthodox Church, either.  But I can expect to grow and deepen my faith.

I was even reassured that Fr. Joshua doesn't often experience this "relationship with Jesus" that is the cornerstone of Protestant faith. 

Learning to Trust God

On the one hand, Orthodoxy is supposed to be more nuanced, less legalistic than Western religion.

On the other hand, Orthodoxy maintains it is The One True Church (don't they all, though?) and therefore, Orthodox are not supposed to worship with heterodox Christians and certainly never with non-Christians.  

I find this problematic.  I do not believe God can only be found in one church or tradition.  I believe God is way bigger than that.  But I don't think that's really what's in question here.

I don't think we're not supposed to worship with heterodox believers because God isn't there.  Rather, I think we're not supposed to worship in heterodox ways because it waters down our own Orthodox tradition and leads to relativism and doubt.

I have to take notice here, because I am certainly in danger of relativism and doubt!  That is in fact the story of my life!  Perhaps Orthodoxy is just what I need at this stage of my journey?  It's not that God isn't elsewhere, but if I'm constantly looking around, when am I ever going to go deep enough to actually find God?  After all, while God is indeed everywhere in His creation, to really sense His presence, we have to get beyond the superficial and go deeper.  And the only way to go deeper is to sacrifice going wider.  

I have to come to a place where I trust that God will meet everyone wherever they are, and I do not need to worry about their salvation, other than staying on my proverbial side of the street and doing my best to make room for God in my life, so that I can possibly draw others to Christ through my example.  

Perhaps God does indeed have a plan B for non-Christians, non-Orthodox, non-believers.  That does not mean that He doesn't also have a solid, valid plan of salvation laid out in the tradition of the Orthodox Church.  And since I am a particular individual, born into certain circumstances that would make my relating to God much more plausible within the boundaries of Holy Orthodoxy, then that is where I should claim my spot and make my home.  

I am drawn to it for a reason.  Yes, there's been some truth in all the different religions I've researched - how can there not be if God is Creator of it all?  But that isn't sufficient.  If my goal is theosis, or emptying myself enough to be ready to live face-to-face with God upon my death, then it is not enough to simply say "God is here".  What of it?  God is in the forest.  God is in the cosmos.  God is in the inhale of my breath right this moment.  But if I can't become cognizant of it, it will not change me from the inside.  If I am not aware of it, I will miss making space for God in my soul.

Perhaps the reason I haven't been able to settle into any one religion, even the religion of my upbringing, is that feelings of comfort are not enough.  Perhaps I know that feeling comfortable will not get the job done.  I need to trade comfort and "happiness" for joy and conentment and eventually - inner peace.

What if God needs to take everyone through a certain spiritual journey before they are ready to embrace Christ in all His glory?

What if it is true afterall that Satan - the personfication of evil - is indeed at work to keep us as confused and doubtful as possible so that we keep from going deeper in relationship with God?  What if Satan indeed is using the very things that I hold dear - open mindedness, compassion, sense of justice - and turning them against me?  Certainly I know from the Tao Te Ching that there is a seed of evil in goodness - and so this must be it!  

And the inverse is true, too.  There is a seed of goodness in evil as well.  Narrowmindedness may seem "bad" on the surface, but it's precisely that sort of one-track mind that helps autistics (and others) to accomplish great things.  To go deeper, you must stay narrow.  There is no other way.  You can cast a wide net over shallow water, or you can go down in a submarine and see sights that net could never phathom.

I have to stop priding myself on my reasoning abilities, logic.  I have to stop letting my ego get the best of me.  I have to start trusting God and pick this one faith tradition, the one that speaks to me the most out of all of them, the one that feels most like home, the one that is closest to what I already know and love, the one where I've already found friendly people and a beautiful liturgy, and put down my baggage of fears over naivete, put down my baggage of critical thinking, and yes, put down my baggage of "fear of missing out", and put down roots in the Orthodox church.

I have to trust that God has got me.  God know what to do with me as soon as I let go and turn over the reigns to Him, my Maker, Who knows me better than I know myself. 

Of course Satan would want to tempt me with pride.  Of course Satan would want me to think of my image before people.  But whose opinion is more important?  Only God's.  And I need God back in my life.  Like nobody's business.

Just like I made a conscious choice to let go of the illusion theory of Buddhism because it was not bringing me inner joy and peace, so too I need to make a conscious choice  to let go of the idea that the church I belong to must be perfect.  Only God Whom we serve needs to be perfect.  Only He even CAN be perfect.  

Enough worrying about things that have no eternal conseqences, and on with the business of trusting in God for my life!

Beliefs and Unbelief and Faith

I do not believe that Adam and Eve were historical people.  I do believe that Adam and Eve represent humanity as a whole, and that the story of the Garden of Eden, temptation, dissatisfaction with what God has given us and the resulting shame and expulsion from Paradise are all alegorical of what happens to the individual when we turn away from God in our ego-driven desire to "be" somebody.  I think the eternal truth of this story is to be content with what God has given, to be humble and honest, and to trust that God has already given us all we need for peace, joy, and love.  I also believe this story points to Jesus in how His incarnation, teaching, death, and resurrection represent our rebirth into paradise.  He showed us the way: die to self in order to be born to eternal life.  Kill the ego, and you can again live forever with God in paradise.  The way to do so is through following Jesus's teachings and example.

I do not believe that it only took God 6 days to create everything.  First of all, we have science not so we can ignore its findings, but so that it can help us better understand the wonderful works of God.  Second of all, time did not exist before God's creation of everything, and the way we measure time is based on our planet's revolving around the sun.  Until those two things were created and put into motion, time had not yet begun.  Finally, the point of the story is not how long it took, but that it was all orchestrated by God.  We are intentionally created in love.  

I believe that human evolution is a likely possibility, but that it in no way changes the meaning of the story of creation.  God created all manner of animals before finally creating humanity.  God made Adam out of clay but he didn't become a man until God breathed life into him.  God didn't breathe life into any of the other animals, yet they were still alive.  This must point to a different type of life - eternal life of the soul.  Humanity could've been evolving as God waited for the opportune moment in our evolution to breathe life into us, as it were.  I see it akin to God's breathing life into the embryo at some point in early development.  I know the official stance of the Church is that human life begins at conception, but seeing as a fertilized egg can split into identical twins (or more!) or two separate blastocysts can fuse into one embryo, it is hard to reconcile that there isn't some magical time period slightly after conception when God decides if this will be one person, two, or none at all.  But I digress.

I believe that Noah literally built an arc and gathered two of every wild animal onto it during the Great Flood.   Again, I believe the symbolism here is great.  Noah trusts God in the face of unlikely circumstances and when confronted with ridicule.  We should do likewise, when discerning God's will.  Trust God and do not question.  But actual discernment is key.  Not merely following a stock assumption.  Two of every kind of animal symbolizes God's concern not only for humanity but for all animal life.  The flood is symbolic of cleansing, as well as how something life-giving can also be life-destroying when not held withing proper bounds.

I believe Jesus was born to Mary and Joseph.  I don't think it matters where Mary got the sperm to conceive Jesus, or if he was conceived without sperm.  Spontaneous reproduction is possible in some other species, opening the conceivability of it in humans, even if only this one time.  But even if Joseph is the biological father, or if Mary was assaulted prior to her marriage, the point is only that Mary said yes to God, trusted in God, gave birth to Jesus and raised Him in such a way that He came to understand His mission and role in life.  The miracles surrounding Jesus's birth I think are symbolic.  I don't think it takes anything away from Jesus's divinity to say that he had a biological father.  Mystery is mystery, and Jesus is fully human and fully God.  I don't think it is our place to split hairs and try to describe or define how exactly that happened or what exactly that means.  

In the end, Christian Orthodoxy is about Christ.  Everything the Bible has to say must somehow inform Who Christ is and what our proper response ought to be to Christ.  How we get there is a matter of contention among people of various denominations and even within denominations.  The Tao Te Ching says "those who are good do not debate, those who debate are not good".  In other words, the point is not to squabble over technicalitites, as this only seeks to lift one over someone else, proving one is worthy.  The goal of the Christian life is to empty oneself of egotistic pride to make room for Christ.  We are to be the temples for the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.  The more time we focus on trying to understand things that are beyond our understanding, the less time we can devote to making room for God to live in us and through us.

Yesterday I learned this and that sin = darkness, emptiness, non-being - the very things I had been reading about as the goal (!) in Buddhist meditation.  Salvation is the dispelling of darkness with Christ's light, turning a dead person (non-beig) into a person alive in Christ!  In the universe, there is darkness.  Mostly darkness.  Darkness has to make room for the light to shine through.  The light would be imperceptible without the darkness.  The Tao Te Ching says that "being and non-being produce each other".  I have been denying Satan for a long time now.  In fact, I believe Satan was the first Christian teaching that I abandoned long before everything else started unraveling for me.  But as I think about the Orthodox view of salvation as healing, bringing back from spiritual death, and making room for God via emptying the self of sin through ascetic practices (not because these are in themselves good, but because they help us draw closer to God), it makes sense that Satan is the personification of all those things that lead to anihilism, the things that are actually pursued as the end goal by Buddhists!  The things that are accepted by secularists.  

Not me.  I believe life is eternal.  I always have.  When I started to try to figure out the proofs for it, that's when I started to get farther and farther away from God.  The way to God is not through reason.  Reason is one of the many faculties God has given us to help us on the spiritual journey, but it is not the boss.  Frankly, even Buddhists will agree to this!  If all there is of me after I die is that my body decomposes and serves as composted food for other living organisms, and my spirit dissolves into the ethersphere and rejoins energy as a whole (like a wave back into the ocean), then that is in no way any better than ceasing to exist altogethe at death.  And frankly, that just doesn't sound right to me, and I cannot deny my intution even if others want to call it illusions.  I'd rather live a peaceful, joyful life of illusion than parade around like a brick, stuck in my role of holding up a house and not seeing beyond my own reasoning abilities.  

If the study of science teaches us anything, it's that "there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreampt of in your philosophy."  Even the Bard can weigh in on this.  See, truth is everywhere, not just in science, but in literature, and art, and poetry, and yes, religion.

I also learned yesterday that the Orthodox prioritize the truth, goodness, and beauty of God in a way that really resonates with me and is contrary to the secular West's perspective.  Orthodoxy starts with beauty, then moves to goodness, and ends up in truth.  Morality is kind of a non-issue.  We do good things not to earn God's love, but make room for God.  So whenever we fail, we just dust ourselves off and try again.  We all sin, so we do not judge others.  At least, that's the ideal.  And that's the point of religion, to give us an ideal, something to work towards, not a goal per se.  It's not about reaching that goal but about constantly working towards it.  

I started out worrying that without a literal understanding of Orthodoxy, I would not be welcomed in.  Now I am starting to see that the only person that can keep me from entering the Orthodox Church is myself!   "I believe, help my unbelief!" Mark 9:24

I am quite excited about reengaging with Jesus within the Orthodox church.  Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy! Amen.

Thoughts about Conversion

I hadn't gotten as far as family conversion in my thought process, surprisingly enough.  I am only beginning to think in terms of "conversion" for myself.  

But when I brought up to my kids next week's appointment with Fr. Joshua at the Orthodox church, since they're coming with me as it will be midday, I mentioned the purpose of our meeting: that I am thinking about joining that church.

Interestingly, my daughter immediately asked if I was going to get "dunked" (baptised by immersion).  I mentioned that I might, if I'm "unable" to deliver a certificate of baptism to the priest.  She immediately lit up and announced that she also wanted to get dunked.  (My son, by the way, does not.)

Speaking of dunking, if my daughter and I joined together, she wants to get dunked, so we could just not have baptismal certificates for either of us.  If later the boys join the church, they can present their baptismal certificates and not get dunked (since Antonio does not want to get dunked).  I know it's a little bit of playing fast and loose, but I want to make the process meaningful for my kids.  I've been struggling to engage them in religion for a long time.  If being dunked for my daughter helps make the transition meaningful and helps her feel like something big is happeneing, then I want that for her!  And if not getting dunked for my son will help him feel comfortable about joining us, then I want that for him.  

One thing led to another, and we started talking about how some families convert en masse, and how everyone - children included - immediately become eligible to receive Communion.  

One of the two reasons I have been mentally "waiting" with thoughts of conversion is that my son is about to enter the 2 year preparation period before receiving his first confession and first communion.... in the Catholic church.  The reason we have lingered in the Catholic church is because my daughter did not start receiving Communion until she was 7, and she longed for it for a long time beforehand, and so she doesn't think it's fair that her younger brother should be able to receive at a younger age than her.  

Curiously, both she and I seem to have had the same thought - that if a formal coversion process takes about 2 years, even if children are able to approach for communion right away, in 2 years time, my son will be the "magical" age anyway, and all will be well with the world.

I assumed I had to wait until after his first communion to take any formal steps to leave the Catholic church or join the Orthodox church.  But this is a fascinating monkeywrench....

Then again, Receiving First Communion in the Catholic church is pretty much the last Polish religious traditional milestone that I wanted for both of my children.  Communion in the Catholic church and Communion in the Orthodox church is, well, different.  

Catholic communion is "a wafer" (with possible wine offered separately at some Masses pre-COVID), generally received on the hand nowadays.  It is mass-produced, albeit supposedly in convents or monasteries, and bought en masse and transported long distances to each church.

Orthodox communion is a spoonfull of a wine-soaked morsel of actual bread, baked by one of the parish families specifically for the occasion.

At first, I wasn't interested in conversion to Orthodoxy in part because their communion is so different from ours.  I had grown up on "the wafer", albeit I received on the tongue while kneeling at the altar railing growing up.  Nowadays, the only church where I can still get that sort of experience of "communing with God" (after all, it is called "communion" for a reason!) is either at a Latin Mass church (which in all other ways is depressing and downright creepy in my experience) or at the Polish churches, but even this was pre-pandemic.  Since then, the assembly line is now universal.

Even though there may be said of the Orthodox communion that there's likewise "an assemblyline" since people do walk up in a line and receive standing, the whole experience is so unlike anything done elsewhere in the mundane, secular world, that it warrants comment.  We are literally spoon-fed!  Talk about humility! And symbolism!  We do not "take" communion (which is the general sense when you "receive" in the hand and then help yourself); we "receive" it quite literally. 

What's more, while Catholics used to receive on the tongue from a priest, an altar server would hold a communion plate underneath each communicant's mouth in the event that the host fell, so as to catch it and try again.  No more.  No more communion plate.  No more reception on the tongue.  Half the time, no more priest distributing.  I have seen multiple times eucharistic ministers (or even the priest) drop a host and just casually pick it up as if nothing happened.  I remember hearing stories from my great-grandmother's time that when such a thing happened, the priest would lay prostrate on the ground to repent or pray it back into the chalice or whatnot.  Now, I know it sounds superstitious now, but if we're going to call it the body and blood of our lord, then we should act like it.  That's all.

Orthodox communicants receive from the priest, directly in the mouth, and an assistant or two hold up a red cloth under the chin to catch any drops.  The basic premise is still there - respect communion; it is special.

Another way it's special is that the pre-communion fast in the Orthodox church is no food or drink other than water from midnight on.  While there used to be a noteable pre-communion fast in the Catholic church, it is now a meager "one hour before", which for most people means don't eat anything en route to church, so that by the time communion comes around, it's been an hour since you last ate.  Multiple masses throughout the day also make it tricky.

Then again, apparently sometimes there is a divine liturgy later in the day, though generally it's one on Sunday, as it goes for about 2.5 hours.  When it's in the evening, the fasting suggested is from noon.  Maybe it all comes down to individual devotion.  But most Catholics nowadays are just going through the motions.  I don't know enough Orthodox to know if that's true for them, too.  But at least from my limited experience, and at least at the church I'm looking at, the parish is small enough that the priest knows everyone by name - including me, a mere inquirer!  

I digressed here.  The point was to bring up the idea of my kids potentially converting with me if I do get the green light.  And the timing for that.  I hesitate because of the whole Polish tradition thing, but really, Natalia's first communion was not like mine.  It was luckily outdoors, but she didn't receive kneeling, though she did receive on the tongue. And I have a picture of that.  I know the Orthodox don't encourage photos of such momentous occasions, so I'd be a little disappointed about that.  (But then again, I was disappointed when I couldn't see the doctor loading up my embabies under the microscope, like I did with the first two attempts.  Still, while not how I had hoped, they turned out to be ideal, since they are here with me as my children, and those embies I did see under the microscope are not.)

We can pose for photos in fancy outfits just the same.  Though it won't be a special "Antonio" moment per se if we were to convert together.  It would be a "family" moment, and I think that would take something away from Antonio.