Learning to Trust God

On the one hand, Orthodoxy is supposed to be more nuanced, less legalistic than Western religion.

On the other hand, Orthodoxy maintains it is The One True Church (don't they all, though?) and therefore, Orthodox are not supposed to worship with heterodox Christians and certainly never with non-Christians.  

I find this problematic.  I do not believe God can only be found in one church or tradition.  I believe God is way bigger than that.  But I don't think that's really what's in question here.

I don't think we're not supposed to worship with heterodox believers because God isn't there.  Rather, I think we're not supposed to worship in heterodox ways because it waters down our own Orthodox tradition and leads to relativism and doubt.

I have to take notice here, because I am certainly in danger of relativism and doubt!  That is in fact the story of my life!  Perhaps Orthodoxy is just what I need at this stage of my journey?  It's not that God isn't elsewhere, but if I'm constantly looking around, when am I ever going to go deep enough to actually find God?  After all, while God is indeed everywhere in His creation, to really sense His presence, we have to get beyond the superficial and go deeper.  And the only way to go deeper is to sacrifice going wider.  

I have to come to a place where I trust that God will meet everyone wherever they are, and I do not need to worry about their salvation, other than staying on my proverbial side of the street and doing my best to make room for God in my life, so that I can possibly draw others to Christ through my example.  

Perhaps God does indeed have a plan B for non-Christians, non-Orthodox, non-believers.  That does not mean that He doesn't also have a solid, valid plan of salvation laid out in the tradition of the Orthodox Church.  And since I am a particular individual, born into certain circumstances that would make my relating to God much more plausible within the boundaries of Holy Orthodoxy, then that is where I should claim my spot and make my home.  

I am drawn to it for a reason.  Yes, there's been some truth in all the different religions I've researched - how can there not be if God is Creator of it all?  But that isn't sufficient.  If my goal is theosis, or emptying myself enough to be ready to live face-to-face with God upon my death, then it is not enough to simply say "God is here".  What of it?  God is in the forest.  God is in the cosmos.  God is in the inhale of my breath right this moment.  But if I can't become cognizant of it, it will not change me from the inside.  If I am not aware of it, I will miss making space for God in my soul.

Perhaps the reason I haven't been able to settle into any one religion, even the religion of my upbringing, is that feelings of comfort are not enough.  Perhaps I know that feeling comfortable will not get the job done.  I need to trade comfort and "happiness" for joy and conentment and eventually - inner peace.

What if God needs to take everyone through a certain spiritual journey before they are ready to embrace Christ in all His glory?

What if it is true afterall that Satan - the personfication of evil - is indeed at work to keep us as confused and doubtful as possible so that we keep from going deeper in relationship with God?  What if Satan indeed is using the very things that I hold dear - open mindedness, compassion, sense of justice - and turning them against me?  Certainly I know from the Tao Te Ching that there is a seed of evil in goodness - and so this must be it!  

And the inverse is true, too.  There is a seed of goodness in evil as well.  Narrowmindedness may seem "bad" on the surface, but it's precisely that sort of one-track mind that helps autistics (and others) to accomplish great things.  To go deeper, you must stay narrow.  There is no other way.  You can cast a wide net over shallow water, or you can go down in a submarine and see sights that net could never phathom.

I have to stop priding myself on my reasoning abilities, logic.  I have to stop letting my ego get the best of me.  I have to start trusting God and pick this one faith tradition, the one that speaks to me the most out of all of them, the one that feels most like home, the one that is closest to what I already know and love, the one where I've already found friendly people and a beautiful liturgy, and put down my baggage of fears over naivete, put down my baggage of critical thinking, and yes, put down my baggage of "fear of missing out", and put down roots in the Orthodox church.

I have to trust that God has got me.  God know what to do with me as soon as I let go and turn over the reigns to Him, my Maker, Who knows me better than I know myself. 

Of course Satan would want to tempt me with pride.  Of course Satan would want me to think of my image before people.  But whose opinion is more important?  Only God's.  And I need God back in my life.  Like nobody's business.

Just like I made a conscious choice to let go of the illusion theory of Buddhism because it was not bringing me inner joy and peace, so too I need to make a conscious choice  to let go of the idea that the church I belong to must be perfect.  Only God Whom we serve needs to be perfect.  Only He even CAN be perfect.  

Enough worrying about things that have no eternal conseqences, and on with the business of trusting in God for my life!