I don't particularly care that the Catholic church isn't the original church of the apostles like I had been led to believe.
What I do care about is my personal experience within the Catholic church. It's stale. There's a lack of reverence in the New Order Masses, and a depressing atmosphere in the Tridentine Latin Mass. The Eastern Catholics may be "in communion" with the Pope, but so what? The Pope is not the head of the Christian church - Jesus Christ is. So if the Eastern Catholic Masses more closely resemble Eastern Orthodox Liturgies, might as well go with Orthodoxy, which at least doesn't seem to contradict itself.
But it's still awkward. I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I need to, I know. There's so much I love about Orthodoxy, and I'm afraid of it not living up to my expectations. I'm risk-averse, and it will take a conscious effort for me to jump in even as I worry and doubt.
Will I be able to balance an Orthodox spirituality and secular libertarian politics?
Will I be able to see myself as a faithful Orthodox if I still support civil rights of LGBTQ folks?
I used to think I wanted a church where my children could see women in positions of leadership. But to be honest, I don't think everyone can do everyone else's job. Secularly speaking, absolutely I think women should have all the same opportunities and compensation as men. I just don't want to be expected to do traditionally masculine work, like the military or police work, nor have my daughter be expected to do these unless she want to. I worry that too much focus on egalitarianism will mean this.
Also, women bring a different aura to whatever they do, so like our language demonstrates, to be feminine is to be human and then some.... there's an additional quality to being a female human. It's not neutral. Hence, we speak of "man" to refer to both men and women, but only "woman" can refer to "women". (Except today, now that gender is being completely obliterated by extreme liberals who simply want no guardrails in life at all and think a free-for-all is equivalent to freedom.)
But I digress. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to somehow transition quickly to Orthodoxy. I need to stop and pace myself.
Rule of life: morning and evening prayer of 20 minutes each.
Meatless Wednesdays and Fridays (and no sweets on Fridays?).
Weekly attendance at Divine Liturgy? We'll have to figure out a schedule for DL and Mass to help prepare Antonio for his First Communion.
Which brings me to another question: is there any hope of reconciling with Catholicism? Since I'm not actually seeking for "truth" as most converts, I feel much more comfortable holding my own views and interpretations and values up and against the standard Catholic view, because this view has been changing a lot lately and I guess I just don't respect it much anymore. Orthodoxy, on the other hand - even if I disagree with something, I can't argue that the church is trying to be consistent and live out the Apostolic Faith.
I guess the question is, do I want to be part of a faith tradition that I respect, if I'm not going to see eye to eye with it on interpretation?
I can't really argue with that notion. Why wouldn't I want to respect the faith tradition I belong to?
I liken it to marriage in a way. Of course, neither I as a spouse nor my spouse are perfect. But we check off enough boxes to have made a lifetime commitment something worth holding onto.
My relationship with Catholicism is pretty much like an arranged marriage. I did not choose to grow up with it. I was submerged in it such that it has been difficult to shake the impact it has had on my life.
Here's Orthodoxy offering me a familiar side-step - a way to keep many of the best things that I remember about Catholicism (which sadly no longer apply) while at the same time offering a more compelling theology, more available mysticism, and a more intimate community.
Right now, I have realized that I cannot simply be deciding if I want to convert and join the Orthodox church or not. What I need to do first - and this is actually something I realized about the Orthodox church that initially made me step back - is to establish my relationship with Christ. Perhaps it won't be a personal relationship in the way that Evangelical Protestants like to talk about.
Especially as an autistic, it may be unrealistic for me to have the kind of relationship that neurotypicals have with Jesus. But through the liturgy, sacraments, ascetic practices, and yes - the bells and whistles of beauty that come with that - I can feel like I am at least participating in the relationship with God, instead of just sort of hoping and waiting for feelings of consolation.
Marriage is not romance. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It's based on love, which is a decision. A daily, ongoing decision to do what's best for the other person. I think the same applies to spirituality/religion/faith/our relationship with God. We decide to do certain things on a regular basis as a way to demonstrate our love to God, and through those very things, God makes room in our hearts and minds and souls for Himself.
Catholicism used to be like this. If it is still like this in Tridentine Latin Masses, I don't know. I don't remember being impressed the few times I've attended. It's certainly formal and conducive to prayer, but it's also got something I could do without - a sense of Catholic guilt. That doesn't go away with the form of worship. That's ingrained in our theology. I'm ready for a theology of healing over a theology of penitence.
Today I had a glimpse of hope. It was while my daughter was reading on my lap. I thought about the rule of life I have been trying to establish this week, and how I may miss morning prayers and simply turn to God asking for mercy and fully knowing He will grant it. Because I am asking for healing, not pardon for a crime. And no loving father will opt not to heal their child, especially when they request it, if it is in their power to do so. I can't explain it, but I smiled, feeling like I think I may have grasped the ticket to avoiding scrupulosity while nonetheless not giving up on the daily intention of living up to the ideal of my rule of life.
It's actually quite simple, but I had to intentionally have it presented and mull it over before I realized, ah, yes. God treats me the way I treat my children, only a world better! I do not see my children as any less when they make a mistake or even do something to disappoint me. The moment they show their repentance, I know they've learned their lesson and I'm more than happy to hug it out and move on with our day.
Because my Catholic prayer and worship is associated with guilt, Orthodox prayer and worship may be just what the Good Doctor ordered ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment