What Am I Looking For?

Fr. Joshua, the Orthodox priest I spoke with a few weeks ago, asked me this question at the end of our meeting.  At the time, I told him I wanted to "belong" and I wanted a "relationship with God".  

Since that meeting, I started a prayer and fasting rule of life.  I'm trying very hard not to get sucked into scrupulosity, and just do what I can when I can and tweak it as I go.  I believe that God is pleased with my efforts and is helping me discern what exactly I really am looking for.  I realize that converting to Orthodoxy will not guarantee me a relationship with God.  That is strictly between me and God.  It does not depend on other people.  I can use what methods and tools are available from whatever faith tradition helps get me there.

As for belonging... it seems that once my husband and children expressed a willingness to consider Orthodoxy, I started to panic.  I started to envision what that would be like.  I even had a heart-to-heart with my kids about what conversion would mean for my son's upcoming (in 2 years) First Communion.  We stayed after Divine Liturgy for lunch and met some regular Orthodox folks, and realized they were normal people like us.  I started to like the idea of joining this community.  Oscar went to a men's breakfast and talk on a Saturday morning, I started communicating with their homeschooling co-op coordinator, and we're planning to take them up on their invitation to their church open house at one of the parishoner's homes.

Then we went to our usual Catholic church so we could receive Communion.  I cried.  I thought about what it meant to become Orthodox - it meant to cease to be Catholic.  At least in theory.  

And then I remembered certain concerns I have with both churches (Orthodox and Catholic) - namely their stance against LGBTQ affirmation.  I'm expected to believe that it is the loving thing to do to expect people with same-sex attraction to live celibate lives, even if they find a suitable, available partner who would want to spend their life with them.  I'm expected to believe that two men or two women simply cannot form the sort of magical union that heterosexual marriage forms.  That if they try, it is an abomination!  That God hates that they would act on the sexual orientation that He gave them.  I look at the teachings and actions of Jesus, and I just can't seem to reconcile the churches' attitude with that of Christ.  

Even though both churches have the same official stance, the difference is that 1) there is a lot more wiggle room in Catholicism - it's precisely the sort of loosey-goosey approach that has made reverence disappear from the sanctuaries, and 2) I'm already Catholic.  There's no pulling wool over anyone, there's no faking the funk, no entering under false pretenses.  I was Catholic before I formed my opinion after much discernment.  

And so I ask myself - what AM I looking for?  Is it really to belong?  Because the cost of belonging is conformity.  And that is not what Jesus taught.  Jesus taught accountability directly to God for how we understand and apply His Great Commandment.  If what we're doing or saying does not show love for God or others, then it's not from God.  And to say that God does not want love for his gay children is just ludicrous.  It may be something individuals are called to - celibacy, or the religious life, but not entire segments of the population.  I'm not willing to conform on this one.  I don't agree with a lot of the latest developments coming from the so-called gender ideology agenda.  I do think there are issues that are encroaching on the rights of others here.  Who marries whom is none of my business.  But who shares a bathroom or lockeroom with me or my children, who competes in athletics with an unfair biological advantage, who demands that others call them by made-up pronouns when they give no reason for someone to clearly see them as they see themselves (that's only applicable to those who still abide by the gender binary)... this is ludicrious.  I'm scared to make an innocent mistake, I'm scared to suggest something isn't fair, but I digress here....

The point is, I know I have a lot to learn about transgender issues.  But when it comes to gay "issues", I'm over it.  There's nothing controversial there for me.  I'm not really willing to pretend that I oppose something I don't.  I can't break this principle just to feel like I belong.  Do I really want to belong to people who would make my gay friends and relatives feel unwelcome?  I think my sense of justice is stronger on this one than my desire to belong.

And so I ask myself, again: what am I looking for?  Why was I attracted to Orthodoxy in the first place?  It's not really the theology.  While I do think as far as church history goes, they're probably right.  The papacy was a later development and not intended by Jesus.  The filioque was indeed a later development that doesn't really do justice to the Holy Spirit.  (Maybe?)  Eucharistic Adoration is a later development and Jesus meant for us to eat His Body and Blood, not adore it.  But then, the spoon in Orthodox Communion is also a later development.  Jesus didn't spoon-feed his disciples at the Last Supper.  Jesus didn't wear vestments.  The early church didn't have an iconostasis, nor did they always have a building to worship in.  

The early church was much more casual than either the Catholic or the Orthodox church.  They gathered in each other's homes.  They formed small groups where they sacrificed for each other (voluntary communism, if you will).  They read from Scriptures, they preached about the Gospel (resurrection of Jesus and our need for repentance).  They prayed together.  They sang spiritual songs.  They broke bread (as in, they shared a meal just like Jesus did with so many of the people he taught - here I remember how the Quakers understand "Holy Communion" - it's found in the gathering of the people for a shared meal.  It's not simply the bread itself.  Rather, it's what that bread represents - a shared meal, spiritual food, and an opportunity to gather together.  In the midst of that, Jesus really is present, body and blood.)

That's about all I can discern from Acts of the Apostles.  They had bishops as far as organization is concerned.  They assigned different tasks for different people.  They shared their wealth with the poor.  They sent out people to travel and preach.  They performed miracles.  They went to their deaths rather than stay quiet about Jesus.

Those features are actually present in a lot of church denominations to varying degrees.

What I don't see is: candles, icons, incense, bells, vestments, rituals, prescribed fasts (it seems fasting was done individually, not because the calendar said it was time to fast).  Yet these are the things that attract me to Orthodoxy.  And what attracts me to Catholicism is Eucharistic Adoration and kneeling.

What am I looking for?  I guess I'm just looking for ways to feel spiritual.  To tap into that other-worldly sense of the divine that I have a hard time accessing in my ordinary mundane life.  There's nothing wrong with that.  But it's also not a good reason to convert.

I'm not looking to belong to just anything.  I'm looking to belong to God.  I want to feel as though I belong with God.  That God is on my side.  That God lives in me.  That God leads my every step.  That God cares for me, understands me, and will never leave me.  I actually don't need religion for that.  But aspects of religion do help me feel closer to God, and those are the aspects I should focus on.

What if I could have it both ways?  What if we alternate churches and do what we can in each community?  What if I mix and match in my personal prayer life?  That's really where the battles are fought - in my personal prayer life.  Not in church.  Not through a label. External validation is a wolf in sheep's clothing.  It does not validate at all if I am doing the right thing.  I must learn to discern that for myself through daily attention to my spiritual life.  Through prayer, fasting, spiritual reading, retreats, alsmgiving... There's no short cut.  Becoming Orthodox but not doing these things will not help me feel closer to God.  But doing these things even without converting will.