Perhaps it's because I'm rushing it. Or maybe I just haven't given myself enough time to actually become part of the community yet. Or I'm realizing that conversion is serious business, a lifestyle and lifetime commitment that not only impacts me but my immediate family as well.
Maybe I know that I'm not converting with the same literal intention that most other converts do, and this worries me. I believe God is everywhere and we can all reach God without going through the church. I happen to like the Orthodox church as it is a convenient concentration of time, place, people, and practices that can guide me on my spiritual path. Do I believe Orthodoxy is "the" concentration of Truth with a capital T over and above what all other worldviews offer? Let's just say I have no desire to proselytize anyone. I don't worry about the state of anyone's soul in eternity because they aren't Orthodox. Or even Christian. Or even believers in one God.
No, Orthodoxy for me is entirely a choice, a preference, something that speaks to me and resonates with me. It offers me ways to get in touch with the Divine in a way that helps me - yes, I'm going to play the autism card - and my autistic brain.
Even though I don't believe the church's limits and rules are "necessary", I do believe they are helpful, at least to me. Am I still going to have to take things with a grain of salt? Yes. Am I still going to have to watch how I express some of my beliefs? Yes. Am I going to have to watch myself so I don't fall back into scrupulosity? Yes.
Will it give me a sense of belonging? I think and hope so. Will it give me a place and time I can regularly place myself in the presence of the Divine? Yes. Will it challenge me to stay on the straight and narrow? Yes. Am I likely to grow in wisdom and virtue by following the Orthodox path? I think and hope so.
How do I reconcile my strong affinity to Orthodoxy with my disappointment at there not being a visible place of leadership for women within the life of the church? Or am I not understanding all that goes into it yet, and still associating priesthood with leadership when in fact there are many different gifts that come together to make the community function? What about same-sex marriage? In my heart of hearts, I believe love is love, and I support two consenting adults building a life together, with or without children. I do not see it as scandalous or in any way contrary to God's law. Yes, God made us female and male, but that just means our species must have both of these to continue. It doesn't mean every female must be matched to a male, and then they must reproduce. Life just doesn't work that way. There's monasticism. There's infertility. One's a choice, the other is not.
I guess I continue to think of "sin" as doing something wrong. For something to be wrong, it has to interfere with someone's wellness. And here we can get into a lot of trouble, because we do not control how others perceive us. People can be offended by a woman in pants and with short hair - that doesn't make the way she chooses to present herself a "sin". Other people can be offended by a woman without a paid career and a large number of children. That also doesn't make her private choices in any way sinful.
And if we are all sinful no matter what we do, why pick on gay people and make them feel as though their "missing the mark" (of the supposed "ideal" of heterosexuality) is in some way worse than the missed mark in any other area of life? And really, the idea that there is anything not ideal about loving someone who is not otherwise unavailable and mutually interested?
I guess I just don't understand why gay love is supposed to be "wrong".
What if this is one of those crosses the Lord is asking me to carry? This sense of empathy for my gay sisters and brothers who can't simply keep their opinions to themselves and carry on within the faith, unless they stay single. I not only want to join Orthodoxy, I want my immediate family - my husband and children - to join with me. We want to join as a family. To think that someone may want the same thing but cannot do it, would not be seen as a valid family, it just breaks my heart.
There's a place for Orthodoxy, for being slow to change, for tradition. I don't think we should be jumping on every new bandwagon that comes our way. But gay rights have been embraced as civil rights for decades now. Several generations have been raised now with increasing sympathy to marriage equity. I know that often people are afraid of change because they think one thing will lead to another... and this is often the case. Often in secular society, this exact thing happens. But there is no discernment in secular society. People just make demands based on what they want, without pondering if it's actually in their best interest, or for the greater good. There's a fine balance to be walked.
What if my desire to join Orthodoxy is just as much about making a clean break with Catholicism as it is about embracing a new faith and community? I shouldn't join Orthodoxy just to leave Catholicism.
Or maybe all of this may be true, but I should proceed anyway, trusting that God will carry me through.
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